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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

626 replies

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:19

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

OP posts:
SalviaOfficinalis · 15/09/2022 15:42

YANBU.
But also I don’t think you should be funding bills 50/50.
You dropping a day’s work has saved the family pot a day of childcare expenses - so DH should be paying you half of what is saved. Or your contribution to the family pot reduced.

MangoBiscuit · 15/09/2022 15:42

Your DH can't do it, and neither can you, without scrapping the reason you dropped to 4 days in the first place. If you have to bookend your days out with the school run, then you're looking at 10-2 max for any activity.

Perhaps you could tell your DH that you're happy to help out on days you don't have any plans, but you can't commit to every week. If he expects you to, that's pretty cheeky.

Mxyzptlk · 15/09/2022 15:43

I wonder if ex asked DH about it , before she took the job, but he didn't say anything to you until it was definite.
If so, it's even more DH's responsibility .

tamamycat · 15/09/2022 15:45

I must've missed this part, but why can't she change the day she needs you to look after dss??

picklemewalnuts · 15/09/2022 15:46

"No, if I can't spend my DS day the way I want, I'll go back to work so I can progress my own career."

Newusername21 · 15/09/2022 15:46

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I think - to a certain extent - when you are in a relationship with someone who has existing children - you kind of have to anticipate those other children becoming part of your life too. So that includes looking after them.
It sounds like on the other days the SS is with you - his Dad does step up and do the school runs etc etc - but on this particular day thats not going to be possible.
I don't see the issue with having to do the school run on one day per week - you're helping your whole family unit.
You can always make it crystal clear that you're happy to do this providing it doesn't start sliding into you doing extra on the others days SS was already with you.
Your stepson is part of your family and should feel as included and as welcome as your new baby.

Sistanotcista · 15/09/2022 15:46

You took a financial hit for a specific reason, to build your relationship with your child. It sounds as though you have a similar income, so I don't see the impediment to your DH taking a financial hit and being at home on this particular day. Otherwise, as other posters suggested, they will have to pay for childcare and split the costs. Either way, not your issue! I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in saying no.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 15/09/2022 15:49

Not your child, not your problem. Don’t let them usurp your special time with DS. You’ve spent 1/5 of your wage on it - not so you could be an unpaid childminder for their kid.

TokyoTen · 15/09/2022 15:50

YANBU it's up to her and your DH to sort childcare for DSS. I'be be pretty pissed off at giving up 20% of of my earning to spend with my child - only to spend it being locked down to school hours for DSS. It's her job that caused it- he and she need to make childcare arrangements.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 15/09/2022 15:50

How old is the SS? I agree the school run does limit what you would be able to do so I would decline but say you would be willing to look after him occasionally in an emergency.

viques · 15/09/2022 15:51

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:38

as a matter of interest did the ex wife work when your SS was a year old, and if so how did they organise child care?

No she didn't. She then went back to study and was a student for a while then worked part time and this is now the first job she's been offered in the subject she got her degree in.

so having had a lot of time to enjoy her own young child and watch his development she thinks it is ok to ask that you give up your ONE day a week to do the same.
hmmm.

UmbrellaLegs · 15/09/2022 15:52

You are 100% correct to want your day to do with as you want without time constraints. The EX W needs to get childcare.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 15/09/2022 15:53

I think - to a certain extent - when you are in a relationship with someone who has existing children - you kind of have to anticipate those other children becoming part of your life too. So that includes looking after them.

Well I think - to a certain extent - that when you make the decision to have children you need to accept it might limit your career choices if you can't arrange childcare to suit.

toomuchlaundry · 15/09/2022 15:55

How old is DSS?

FeelinSpendy · 15/09/2022 15:55

Before I even opened the thread I knew this would be about a man expecting his wife to pick up his childcare responsibilities.
You’ve taken the hit to your wage but still pay for your half of the bills so it’s a massive cheek for him to ask you and it’s absolutely not your problem. He can cut down his working days and take the hit to his finances if he is so keen to assist his ex wife in furthering her career.
if you were minded to look after his son, you should charge him/the ex-wife for childcare to offset the drop to your wages.

user1471538283 · 15/09/2022 15:55

I would absolutely not do this. You are not childcare for your DSS. If his DF is happy with the arrangement he can do it. Or they can find childcare.

Say no and let them get on with it. Not your circus.

MuggleMe · 15/09/2022 15:56

Personally I'd compromise by agreeing to do school drop off, you'll be free from 9 to do whatever you like.

LakieLady · 15/09/2022 15:58

YANBU. You didn't take a financial hit so that you could provide free wraparound care for your DSS and do the school run for him.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 15/09/2022 15:58

Why are you paying 50:50 into the joint account?

It should be adjusted further re the childcare saving for your own child and if you decide to also look after stepchildren, it should be decreased again.

I think it's completely unreasonable for him to expect to you do but there's probably a compromise which can be reached. I also assume he will be having his maintenance payment to his ex reduced- only fair given petrol,food etc

xogossipgirlxo · 15/09/2022 15:58

If he's going to spend another day at yours, your husband ex can pay you maintenance money and your husband can drop this day off work to look after his son. But seriously now, leave it to your husband. His ex made the decision and now you're forced to accommodate step son. I normally am against all mumsnet posts about stepchildren, because many many users think of them as some kind of hot potato (even though they knew the deal when they married a man with child from previous relationship), but in your case I would stick to your guns.

abovedecknotbelow · 15/09/2022 16:01

Fuck that. you are not there as free childcare. So often dismissed on here about separate accounts but I don't but into that 'family money' pot line.

HandbagsnGladrags · 15/09/2022 16:01

Absolutely no way, it's not your problem. Yet another man who expects his new wife to parent a child who isn't hers. The ex is a cheeky fucker to expect you to do it, and so is your husband.

EL8888 · 15/09/2022 16:02

No. Just no. Ex and DH seem like having it both ways, you don’t appear to have that luxury. I wouldn’t give it a moments thought and leave it to them to sort out

loveireland · 15/09/2022 16:03

Obviously it's not your problem at all but I can't imagine not wanting to help my husband out. Maybe arrange wraparound care but you will help him in the holidays?

Shinyandnew1 · 15/09/2022 16:04

This is taking the piss-why should your time and career be affected by hers??! Did she ask him to do it or ask him to ask you to do it.

I would say absolutely no way!

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