To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

She essential wants you to spend your precious day off doing childcare unpaid for her child so she can earn more! I’d rather go back to work full time, and earn the money for my own household

Yeah, this is one for your DH to sort out. If he wants to facilitate his ex's new job by having his son days instead of three, he needs to sort something with his own working hours, not yours.

Also, if your DSS is going to be at your house four days and his mum's three days, I'd also have your DH point out to her that this would mean a change in maintenance arrangements and he'd be living with you the majority of the time, not her.

Your husband has a bloody cheek.

Your finances are separate, your career and be personal spending have taken a hit so that you can have a day with your child.

DH is more than welcome to reduce or flex his hours so that he can work around his own child, or he can renegotiate drop-offs and pickups with his ex.

He will need to go into breakfast club and after school club etc, and your husband will need to drop/pick him up (if you’re having the extra night with him). During holidays he’ll have to do holiday clubs and his parents take the odd day off, with perhaps you doing the odd day, like any other kid.

Whle I agree it is infuriating that your dh is making it into your problem to sort out, a lot of these replies are very transactional tbh - how much who contributes, who's benefiting from whom. Your dss is getting a bit lost in this - it seems quite hard on him to have to go to both breakfast club and ASC when he doesn't like it and when he knows you're at home at least some of the time. I think if this were me and it weren't possible for your dh to change or extend his WFH days (that should be the first thing he explores - or working a long day one day and shorter hours on this day to enable school runs, if commuting distance is realistic), I would suggest he goes to either breakfast club or ASC and you'll do the other school run. That still limits you, but not as much. I would also be wanting at least some use of holiday clubs in the holidays.

She essential wants you to spend your precious day off doing childcare unpaid for her child so she can earn more! I’d rather go back to work full time, and earn the money for my own household

This!
I'd be really disappointed in DH in thinking this is acceptable. I hope he sees sense, as he is at risk of causing huge resentment by disrespecting you, your time, your money, your career, your precious time with baby etc OP.

In a good co parenting relationship it’s up to both parents to manage childcare and what’s best for their kids. Her getting a better job with better money facilitates this and your husband is rightly supportive. However it doesn’t mean you need to give up what is a very special few years with your son. I’d suggest between them they pay for after school club for a day, it’s hardly torture!

I can totally understand that you want to cherish your time with your child, especially having been through difficulties to have him. Don’t bend to fit in with others, you won’t get this time back.

Yanbu op. This is your day. You've spent time organising it so it works for you and your family. The exwife needs to sort her own childcare out. You aren't there to be a free babysitter for her.

Is she assuming DH/you will have DSS though? Or is she asking, and if you can't then he'll have to go to wrap around care?

It's reasonable for her to ask. I think your DH's reaction is more of a problem tbh.

Stand your ground lovely. Enjoy the time with your child that you've taken the hit for.

I'm just about to have the school day to myself once a week and actually when you consider drop off and pick up it's quite restricting. Plus the school holidays.

Ex and your DH will have to do what most other parents would in these circumstances and pay for the extra child care.

Ideally children wouldn't be viewed as hot potatoes to be bounced around to the lowest common denominator, but this is how it goes. Its not her career advancement versus yours, bring in that element and it gets petty. You're a group of adults who have children to look after in the best way possible.

Did you genuinely stand at the altar when you married and believe that childcare would always be "fair" and that his DC wouldn't ever impinge upon your plans? Because that's not life, especially when trying to ensure kids feel like a priorty rather than an option.

Having said that, if you don't want to and can't do it with the right mindset then you say no thankyou and there are two choices. Either she turns down the job offer, or your DP drops a day at work.

Totally on your side, that day is precious and you won't have it forever, definitely don't give in on this one xx

Has your DH explored a flexible working request to allow him to be present for his DS on that day? Or just come straight to you?

What happens now during school holidays on the days your DSS is with your DH?

I can't get my head around the mentality of some men who volunteer their wife's/partner's time childcare without their express agreement and then try to guilt them with the 'unreasonable' card when they refuse. It's very common on here, absolutely entitled attitude and a complete lack of respect! Like others have said, this issue belongs between the parents of the child to sort out.

Oh my, SS goes to afterschool club, sorted!

Stick to your guns OP.

If DSS is getting lost in this, it’s because neither of his parents are taking responsibility for his care.

I see replies like yours on here all the time. The parents create a situation where their child is in need of looking after by a third party and when it’s assumed that the step mum will be that third party, she is blamed when she doesn’t drop everything to remedy a situation she hand no hand in creating and no one ever consulted her on.

This is one of the things that’s most destructive and unpleasant about parents and step-parents dynamic. The step mum is guilted into doing things because ‘fahhhhmily” and ‘think of the poor children’, but the net effect is that she is being treated as a resource to be tapped by both parents. It’s a horrible position to be in. And it pulls the step mum into the personal arrangements of the ex, which is also not fair and very uncomfortable for the step mum, who no doubt would prefer to have a much stronger boundary in place but is guilted into not enforcing it.

As others have said you are obviously not BU. However I also feel your financial arrangement is a bit odd now that you have a child, and you have disadvantaged yourself paying 50/50.

Oh this makes me so angry on your behalf.

Please say no. 'D'H needs to watch his own child, not browbeat you into it.

He can drop a day like you have.

YANBU.

YANBU but I think it was inevitable that you would come up against this kind of dilemma when you married a man with an existing child.

Good luck.

How will your dad's manage his childcare on her days?
It would make sense to perhaps have one solution for the week, minder/after school clubs or whatever that both parents can utilize.

I agree. Does he earn more?

The ex needs to sort out childcare.