Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

626 replies

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:19

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2022 17:38

Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 17:26

I used to love going to school pick up with my 1 year old. Broke up the day and they loved seeing all the activity.

i reckon your 1 year old would love having his bro around, and might give you a chance to sit down at end of the day and have a cuppa and mumsnet peruse!

So? OP likes her days as they are. And as if she’ll get a chance to relax leaving a baby in the care of a 7 year old.

Mrsmuggles · 15/09/2022 17:41

Yanbu, I have a 6 and 3 year old and work 4 days so I can spend 1 weekday with my youngest.

I did the same with my eldest. Having to do the school run when I’m out somewhere with the little one is a right pain, I’m always watching the clock, checking the traffics ok. And they are my children.

Flossie2shoes · 15/09/2022 17:42

Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 17:26

I used to love going to school pick up with my 1 year old. Broke up the day and they loved seeing all the activity.

i reckon your 1 year old would love having his bro around, and might give you a chance to sit down at end of the day and have a cuppa and mumsnet peruse!

You've missed the point of Op's day to herself and her son haven't you.

Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 17:43

Flossie2shoes · 15/09/2022 17:42

You've missed the point of Op's day to herself and her son haven't you.

Show quote history

But she will have the entire day? And with a 1 year old… there really is only so much you can do!

Look, I think the Denis anyway to expecting this and if the op says no - then he should accept no questions asked.

but in her shoes… if I liked / loved the DS and my 1 year old loves being with him… then I’d do it

Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 17:44

Denis should read DH!!

”I think the DH is being a twat”. Is what I meant to write!

CG1991 · 15/09/2022 17:44

Yanbu. At all.

Thehonestbadger · 15/09/2022 17:44

This thread has me daydreaming about leaving DH so he can go obligate some unwitting woman into actually help me raise our two toddlers whilst he works 60+ hours a week.

God a step mum would significantly lighten my load. I didn’t realise they were expected to do so much!

chickenwings22 · 15/09/2022 18:00

lickenchugget · 15/09/2022 16:09

Kids come first in my eyes

Yep, to their own parents. DS comes first to OP so why should he be pushed back to second.

Re-read my post. I said it wasn't a dig at the op and it's not her responsibility. Still doesn't make it any less sad for the kid though.

Elerandooo · 15/09/2022 18:03

OriginalUsername3 · 15/09/2022 15:33

She'll have to sort childcare. It's not even about him. It's his ex wife's time and she's expecting you to look after her kid so she can earn more off your reduced income.

No way. If he wants to help her that's his business but it all has fuck all to do with you.

This.

Perfectly put. I’d say exactly this to your husband.

newyearsresolurion · 15/09/2022 18:09

Definitely say no

Dixiechickonhols · 15/09/2022 18:09

She won’t have an entire day has to be back for 3pm so no day out at zoo, farm, toddler class in afternoon etc. SS is only 7 so it will be for next few years. I loved my days off with dc before she went to school. We did all sorts - shows, museums, lazy mornings. That’s the point of being off to do as you please. Kids under 3 are free on train and lots of places - I used my zoo membership lots as she was free.

Badger1970 · 15/09/2022 18:11

I think your DH sounds like he's living a charmed life OP with his ex and current wife both working their arses off to support themselves.........

Just a word of caution - DD had this with her stepson. Within months he was living with them full time as the ex was in a new relationship and having a child to raise was spoiling her fun Sad

Sparkletastic · 15/09/2022 18:11

DSS will have to get used to wraparound childcare at school and holiday clubs. Absolutely not something you should accede to.

jadedspark · 15/09/2022 18:12

She might not be expecting anything unless I'm missing something? She's asked which I don't think there's anything wrong with, if you say no then she has to sort out child care for 1 day for a school aged child, it's hardly the end of the world.

YANBU BTW.

diddl · 15/09/2022 18:13

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day.

Has he even looked into it?

What drop offs could the ex do?

Could your ss go in early so that your husband could get to work early & be home for pick up?

Hopefullysoon2022 · 15/09/2022 18:14

@Peeeko what do they do for the rest of the week regarding childcare.

Catfordthefifth · 15/09/2022 18:19

Yanbu at all. Not even slightly. This is entirely her problem

Jaxhog · 15/09/2022 18:22

Did she know about your day off before taking the job? If not, how did she think your DH was going to make this work?

They both need to take some responsibility for this situation, not put it all on you

Buildingthefuture · 15/09/2022 18:23

God, I think most of the responses on here are awful! Have any of you actually ever been a step child?

Notreallyhappy · 15/09/2022 18:24

When I married my husband he had a son from his previous relationship and I have a son from a previous relationship.
We signed up with each other as already part of a team.. him & his ds and me with my ds...now its a big team.. my OH took charge of the school run and visa versa.
You may not be 100% happy but your helping out your hubby not the ex-w .

whumpthereitis · 15/09/2022 18:26

Notreallyhappy · 15/09/2022 18:24

When I married my husband he had a son from his previous relationship and I have a son from a previous relationship.
We signed up with each other as already part of a team.. him & his ds and me with my ds...now its a big team.. my OH took charge of the school run and visa versa.
You may not be 100% happy but your helping out your hubby not the ex-w .

Why does she have to run her family in the same way you do yours?

and no, she isn’t. She’s told him no, quite reasonably. It’s not her problem to take on.

Goldshelfie · 15/09/2022 18:29

They are taking the piss to make this your problem. And what happens when you want to go back full time?

bringbackveronicamars · 15/09/2022 18:29

TokyoTen · 15/09/2022 15:50

YANBU it's up to her and your DH to sort childcare for DSS. I'be be pretty pissed off at giving up 20% of of my earning to spend with my child - only to spend it being locked down to school hours for DSS. It's her job that caused it- he and she need to make childcare arrangements.

This.

It's not why you've taken a financial hit for these precious years.

Discovereads · 15/09/2022 18:30

I know I’m in a minority here, but my concept of family fully includes step children.

I think that OP can say no, but imho it’s sending a message to a 7yr old step son, that he’s not “your son” and your convenience trumps his needs and that your bio son is vastly more important to you than he is, such that he can’t share space with you both.

I agree his bio mum and dad are the ones with the most responsibility, but I don’t think it is wrong of them to ask you, the step parent, to help out in this situation.

The reasons given on this thread, that you only want to be with “your son” and not spoil it by having “some other woman’s child” around…or refusing to help out when it comes to a step child, because “not my child, not my problem”.

Well, it sounds all righteous and firm boundary like, but I think when we have real children with real emotions, they’re really quite hurtful reasons and decisions to make.

I agree with not being a doormat and raising the child completely on your own or doing the bulk of childcare…but there’s a big spectrum between helping out one day a week and replacing his bio mum. I would consider some sort of compromise that makes it work for you logistically, your DH should be able to do one of the school runs…perhaps the morning is best so you’re only doing pick up and a few hours in the afternoon. The entire day is still yours to be with your bio son.

I would also seriously have a discussion with your DH about the maintenance she is offering to pay…it’s for that 1 day and if you’re doing that 1 day, perhaps it should end up going in your account. Add that to child benefit for your child, and you could amass a nice little savings pot for your child…so your child does benefit from his half brother sharing a few hours that extra day with the two of you. It also means you have a child minder type way to offset the financial loss to you of taking that 1 day off work.

I think there’s a win-win solution here. Perhaps think on it a bit more. Saying a flat no is the easy route but it will hurt your DH and step son, offering a compromise that’s fair on you would negate that hurt even if it ends up not happening because it shows you care, you seriously considered it at least tried to find a workable solution.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 15/09/2022 18:32

Thehonestbadger · 15/09/2022 17:44

This thread has me daydreaming about leaving DH so he can go obligate some unwitting woman into actually help me raise our two toddlers whilst he works 60+ hours a week.

God a step mum would significantly lighten my load. I didn’t realise they were expected to do so much!

😂😂😂
Its ridiculous isn't it. Imagine a sex reverse, step dad even taking the day off let alone being willing to share it!

Swipe left for the next trending thread