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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DH is not speaking to me because I'm an unsupportive wife

136 replies

Luckyloubypink · 15/09/2022 13:14

DH and I have been together for 20 years and throughout that time I have always supported him in whatever his latest hobby is, no matter how ridiculous, how inconvenient, how financially costly it is, even at times when I know full well the answer should have been a firm no.

Today DH comes to me with an idea that he wants to do tomorrow, which involves being gone the whole day, travelling very far, for something that could have been done at home.

I said, I can see why he would like to go but it was impractical due to me working and having school runs, etc. He said it was his time and he should be allowed to do what he wants. He said he knew I would say no and ridicule him for his idea, and I was never supportive what he wants to do. He should be allowed to do what he wants to do (shouldn't we all, eh?).

Now he isn't speaking to me and I'm wondering if just to let him go to keep the peace. I do feel rubbish though, after all I do for him. He behaves like he hasn't a care in the world whilst I have no time and feel like a single parent.

OP posts:
Crumblierthanfeta · 15/09/2022 13:16

How did you end up married to a man child?

iwantasandwich · 15/09/2022 13:17

Has he always acted like an entitled 4 year old?

blockpavingismynightmare · 15/09/2022 13:18

He behaves like this because you allow him to OP

TibetanTerrah · 15/09/2022 13:18

I'm wondering if just to let him go to keep the peace

Yeah great. Until next time, then what happens? You live your life being walked over, he continues doing what he wants and ignoring his responsibilities.

IamnotSethRogan · 15/09/2022 13:19

Does him not being there negatively affect you? Like is it him who would be doing the school run so you'd have to change your schedule ?

Chikapu · 15/09/2022 13:21

I half expected you to say 'and then he threw himself on the floor shouting it's not fair' waaaaaaaaaaahhh!

RatherBeRiding · 15/09/2022 13:21

So if he wasn't going on his jaunt, would he be doing school runs seeing as you're working?

Thedogscollar · 15/09/2022 13:21

Sulking in an adult is ridiculous and not a good look.
He sounds like a spoilt child and you seem to give into him to keep the peace.
This time say NO and stick to your guns.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/09/2022 13:21

He sounds like a petulant child in tiresome mode. He needs it made known that you are his wife, not his facilitator. You work + have school runs to do. Thats how family life goes, going off for long stretches (unless very occasionally/one-off basis) and pursuing expensive and inconvenient hobbies is selfish.

Personally I'd simply carry on with life and not be held captive by his silence. I cant stand sulkers and I dont play their game. Let him be mute if he's that silly.

But if you want to stay with him then you need a talk about support being a 2 way street.

Do you have a hobby? & I really hope you're not funding his expensive inconvenient hobbies

Iloveacurry · 15/09/2022 13:22

What is it anyway? Does he really think going off for the day at short notice, with kids, work, etc, a good idea?

TheWernethWife · 15/09/2022 13:22

Will he tantrum if he can't go, bloody manchild. Let him go and tell him not to come back as you are fed up with "supporting" him.

StopStartStop · 15/09/2022 13:23

Let him go? How would you stop him?

I don't like the sound of him at all. Hope that helps! I don't know what to advise. LTB might be a bit strong but for heaven's sake - I wouldn't want to live with him.

TheWernethWife · 15/09/2022 13:23

Chikapu

Brilliant response

DoItAfraid · 15/09/2022 13:28

“DH and I have been together for 20 years and throughout that time I have always supported him in whatever his latest hobby is, no matter how ridiculous, how inconvenient, how financially costly it is, even at times when I know full well the answer should have been a firm no.”

but why did you do this?

WagathaChristieMystery · 15/09/2022 13:32

IamnotSethRogan · 15/09/2022 13:19

Does him not being there negatively affect you? Like is it him who would be doing the school run so you'd have to change your schedule ?

Came on to say the same thing as this. It sounds like your DH is being unsupportive, rather than you being unsupportive to him (I don’t think you’re being unsupportive to him at all 🌺). How come your DH isn’t helping with the school runs, especially given you work as well? He should be helping you and should take on his fair share.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2022 13:32

Can you tell us a bit more about your situation? Age of kids for example?
What does he mean by 'it's his time' ? Do you get the same amount of time?
For example if you said to him you're off tomorrow to do the exact same thing as he wants to do, how would that go down?

WarmWinterSun · 15/09/2022 13:37

OP,
I’d say yes but then fix a time for you to have a day to do what you want, make that very clear and make sure you take your day. That seems fair

GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 13:37

Lord, this is all over the place. A firm no? Let him go? Allowed? You seem to have both got yourselves confused about your roles, you're not his mummy, he's not your errant child.

Where would he be tomorrow if he wasn't doing this? What difference will it make to your day?

purpliee · 15/09/2022 13:38

By 'his time' I thought maybe he is a runner and has a particular start time?

VanillaParkersBowl · 15/09/2022 13:38

I was you, OP. I was never 'that' wife. He could do whatever he liked, see whoever he liked, buy whatever he liked, at whatever cost, and I "NEVER supported" him although he supposedly spent his whole life supporting me. He is now my ex, thank fuck, but one of the biggest regrets I have is letting him away with all that shite. At the time I thought I was being a decent person but I was being a complete mug.

Having said that I also didn't really have much of a choice because he was so manipulative.

It's time that you put you first, OP Flowers

PurplePansy05 · 15/09/2022 13:40

I'm guessing he's always been such a spoilt brat?
Ignore it and stand firm.
And plan something for yourself soon, a full day. Leave the kids with him.

TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael · 15/09/2022 13:41

Does he not have a job?!

The whole "allow" and "firm no" thing is weird....it's a very mummy and naughty boy set-up but whatever floats your boat I spose Confused

Penguinsaregreat · 15/09/2022 13:46

I’d ignore him and cook something you and the kids like but he isn’t keen on for dinner tonight. I’d also make it be known. “Hey kids I’ve done us a special treat for dinner as I know it’s your favourite.”
Then I’d say to the kids how about we all go and do X tomorrow ( something you know they will love) then let your pathetic oh have to say to them that he won’t be here because he is a dickhead who always puts himself first and doesn’t give a toss about anyone else.
From your posts he does this regularly so I’d start to pull back, arrange things to do with your own friends and the kids.
Sounds like life isn’t much fun with him.

NorthStarRising · 15/09/2022 13:47

What suddenly made you stand your ground, after twenty years of indulging his every whim?
I’m not surprised he’s shocked and upset. And confused. Twenty years of agreeing and supporting his ridiculous, inconvenient and expensive impulses and now you say no?
He’ll pout and rant for a while, you’ll give in and everything will be back to normal. What do your children think of it all? What are you both modelling to them as a relationship?

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 15/09/2022 13:49

What on earth is he so desperate to do?