To be hurt that DH is not speaking to me because I'm an unsupportive wife

[Luckyloubypink]

DH and I have been together for 20 years and throughout that time I have always supported him in whatever his latest hobby is, no matter how ridiculous, how inconvenient, how financially costly it is, even at times when I know full well the answer should have been a firm no.

Today DH comes to me with an idea that he wants to do tomorrow, which involves being gone the whole day, travelling very far, for something that could have been done at home.

I said, I can see why he would like to go but it was impractical due to me working and having school runs, etc. He said it was his time and he should be allowed to do what he wants. He said he knew I would say no and ridicule him for his idea, and I was never supportive what he wants to do. He should be allowed to do what he wants to do (shouldn't we all, eh?).

Now he isn't speaking to me and I'm wondering if just to let him go to keep the peace. I do feel rubbish though, after all I do for him. He behaves like he hasn't a care in the world whilst I have no time and feel like a single parent.

He treats you like shit.

Give him a list of all the random hobbies and things that you've supported him doing over the years. And next to it a list of the things you've been able to do in your own time with his support.

It does sound like you've enabled him over the years and the result is you've created a spoilt man child. Fucking hate men like this but it's kind of on you for indulging him in the first place

No. You don’t blame his utterly shit behaviour on her. Fuck, no.

I don't see a problem with someone having a day off and leaving the other person to do the school runs/childcare. But the question is could the other partner do the same on their day off? If the answer is no, then there is a problem.

DH has gone away for long weekends for mountaineering which I'm not into at all and I've gone away with my friends for the same amount of time at other times.

Things like this make me think we should normalise personal references before committing.

What a baby!

I think you need to be slower to solve his problems. "Ok, how are you going to arrange childcare? No, I can't do it as I'm working."

"If you are taking a day for hobbies tomorrow I will take Saturday to do x."

Jesus Christ, don't do this. Don't weaponise your kids.

So if you're working all day and he wants to be away for the whole day, what is he actually suggesting should happen about childcare? Is he asking you to take a day's leave, or what? Has he got any suggestions for someone to help out? Or is he literally just throwing a tantrum because you are unable to wave a magic wand and conjure up a fairy godmother to sort the kids out that day?

Perhaps next week you should announce that you've decided to go off on a solo day out all day on a day when he's working, and that he'll have to find a way of making it work while you're enjoying yourself. See what he thinks about that.

Tell him to get to fuck.

He's not a single man, he has kids.

Tell him that he either pulls his weight as a couple or he ends up doing 50/50 when yoire split up.

And get him doing his fair share of chores and childcare.

Write it all down.

Make him explain why he shouldn't do anything and why it is fair that you should do everything.

Write everything down in detail - doctor, presents, bills, cooking, shopping, bathroom cleaning, washing, dishwasher emptying, kids parties, cake making/buying etc. Pin it to the kitchen and the bedroom. Let him see it everywhere he goes.

However, it is his day off and I am working. We have two small children. He is usually free to do whatever he wants obviously.

Why obviously? If you have a day off, do you regularly disappear for the entire day without a care in the world? Has he noticed you have small children? It's not 'his time' if he is supposed to be doing childcare. Which he should be doing if you work and he doesn't.

I would suddenly develop plans for the evening.

He sounds like a giant baby. My sympathies OP, these kind of adults only get worse the more you give in.

Even quiet/silent disapproval is seen as approval. No advice as such but I know how hard it can be dealing with adults who behave like this. You can never fucking win.

I mean he can do what he wants if he can sort out childcare. What is he expecting you to do, take a last minute day off work or just run around like a blue arsed fly doing his share of the adulting on top of your own? I'd love to get paid without having to actually go to work, but realistically as grown up, I know it's not going to happen!

What impact does it have on you OP? You haven't been very clear about that here, have you been with him?

Is he supposed to be doing the school run?

Absolutely fine if he has a whole day off a week to himself. But you should also have a whole day off a week and do what you like. Let him go, tell him you support his hobby and agree that parents need a full day off a week without consideration for the other parent. Then Saturday morning get up very early before everyone else and have a full day out of the house, leave a note on the table saying you’ll be home at 9pm after he’s put the children to bed. Have some time to yourself and enjoy it, turn your phone off and relax.

Is he taking his cue from our new King Charles? lol.

Some men are unbelievably spoilt and selfish.

Is he ever a supportive hisband

also it shouldn’t need to be you sorting all of this he wants to do it so he sorts it. If he can’t tough

The man is free to do whatever he wants because I am here to hold everything together. I do everything, and apart from having a job he pretty much does nothing, if that answers your questions.

Well then frankly how can you be surprised he sees it all as your job? You've enabled this selfishness and lack of consideration for years. Time to stop being so accommodating when you don't get the same back.

Get some index cards. One per card , write things you’ve supported him in. Note costs, short notice, level of inconvenience, exhaustion.
go see him. Tell him each item, and hand him the same number of blank cards, tell him to write the major things he has supported you in. I would shout each one at him tbh and throw the card at him after reading it then throw all the blank ones at him and then tell him he can go do whatever he wants but to leave his key he won’t be needing it for his new life.

What @deeperthanallroses said, with bells on.

This isn’t an adult to adult relationship. You said yourself the language is if he’s “allowed” to do something and gets to act like a child if he isn’t, whilst you are portrayed as big bad mummy/wife saying no.

You need to change the conversation. It’s not whether he is allowed to do X Y or X, it’s how you equally parent and equally have time off.

Ask him if his father ever abandoned him for hobbies.
Was he confident in making his way back home from school at their age and were they the same level of risk of being hit by a car as yours are now?
Ask him what he will be arranging for his children's evening meals and ensuring that his children feel safe home alone whilst he's on his merry trip.
Tell him "it sounds quite challenging for our children but if your confident that family won't think you've lost your head by leaving them to defend for themselves whilst you go on your day trip, you do you. Anyway - I'm off to earn us some money.bye"

Sorry to hear this and whatever the rights or wrongs... I'd have a chat with him about the passive aggressive behaviour. Not speaking to someone as a punishment is unacceptable.

Have you ever taken off for a day OP, and left him with the responsibilities? Apart from when you were actually in hospital giving birth, that is, which most men probably count as me-time.