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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt that DH is not speaking to me because I'm an unsupportive wife

136 replies

Luckyloubypink · 15/09/2022 13:14

DH and I have been together for 20 years and throughout that time I have always supported him in whatever his latest hobby is, no matter how ridiculous, how inconvenient, how financially costly it is, even at times when I know full well the answer should have been a firm no.

Today DH comes to me with an idea that he wants to do tomorrow, which involves being gone the whole day, travelling very far, for something that could have been done at home.

I said, I can see why he would like to go but it was impractical due to me working and having school runs, etc. He said it was his time and he should be allowed to do what he wants. He said he knew I would say no and ridicule him for his idea, and I was never supportive what he wants to do. He should be allowed to do what he wants to do (shouldn't we all, eh?).

Now he isn't speaking to me and I'm wondering if just to let him go to keep the peace. I do feel rubbish though, after all I do for him. He behaves like he hasn't a care in the world whilst I have no time and feel like a single parent.

OP posts:

PileofLogs · 15/09/2022 13:50

GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 13:37

Lord, this is all over the place. A firm no? Let him go? Allowed? You seem to have both got yourselves confused about your roles, you're not his mummy, he's not your errant child.

Where would he be tomorrow if he wasn't doing this? What difference will it make to your day?

This. The whole set up is pretty odd.

Cloverforever · 15/09/2022 13:50

Penguinsaregreat · 15/09/2022 13:46

I’d ignore him and cook something you and the kids like but he isn’t keen on for dinner tonight. I’d also make it be known. “Hey kids I’ve done us a special treat for dinner as I know it’s your favourite.”
Then I’d say to the kids how about we all go and do X tomorrow ( something you know they will love) then let your pathetic oh have to say to them that he won’t be here because he is a dickhead who always puts himself first and doesn’t give a toss about anyone else.
From your posts he does this regularly so I’d start to pull back, arrange things to do with your own friends and the kids.
Sounds like life isn’t much fun with him.

Don't brng your kids into it, please!

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 15/09/2022 13:51

Just to clarify before we all condemn this man to the firey pits of hell.... What exactly was he meant to be there for tomorrow that he now can't do? Does he do his fair share of school runs/bedtimes? If you were to announce to him on a different day that you're off to persue a hobby would he be cool with that or incapable of taking the reins for a day?

If you genuinely think he doesn't pull his weight then YANBU but if you just don't like him actually having a bit of a life outside you and your kids then YABU. Either way you can't stop a grownass man doing what he wants. All you can do is leave him/threaten to leave him/find your own hobby I guess

NotLactoseFree · 15/09/2022 13:51

It's very confusing because he comes across like a spoiled child in your OP but you also come across like his mum, "allow" "firm no" etc.

So I think what's more important is to answer questions like:

have all these hobbies caused him to often let you/the DC down and/or left you handling everything at home because he's busy elsewhere?
Does he play an active and engaged role in family life? Does he do his share of chores and childcare?

And as for tomorrow - it's impossible to understand without knowing how it impacts you. DH announced he was off to do take his mother shopping and for lunch today. I barely looked up from my computer as it has zero impact on me or my plans for the day (to work). If he made a similar announcement on Sunday when we have sports activities, kids parties and friends coming over.... I'd feel differently.

Original poster

Luckyloubypink · 15/09/2022 13:58

If it had no impact on me then it wouldn't be an issue. However, it is his day off and I am working. We have two small children. He is usually free to do whatever he wants obviously. To 'allow' or 'let' him do things are his words he uses when he's trying to make out I'm a terrible wife, not mine.

The man is free to do whatever he wants because I am here to hold everything together. I do everything, and apart from having a job he pretty much does nothing, if that answers your questions.

Today is probably one of the only times he hears the word 'no' because it is genuinely impractical for me to have him just leave at short notice for the whole day.

OP posts:

TiredButDancing · 15/09/2022 14:02

So tomorrow he wants to go off and do something when usually he would be doing the school run? Leaving you to sort out the school run and, one assumes, dinner/bath/bed etc? And this has made you cross? I assume because it's something he does often?

You sound v defensive in your second post. Which is reasonable if you're totally tired of him being an entitled twat, but posters were pointing out that it was hard to really understand the issue without the context.

Have you posted before? I have a vague memory of a woman in a similar situation where he didn't work one day a week but seemed to think he should have a full 24 hours off on that day and not do any childcare, school runs or household tasks?

PileofLogs · 15/09/2022 14:02

I do everything, and apart from having a job he pretty much does nothing, if that answers your questions

Sounds like this is the issue rather than whether you “let” him do X or Y. If he were doing his share, the odd hobbies presumably would have to fit around it and would be less of an issue. Does he see this?

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/09/2022 14:02

"Now he isn't speaking to me and I'm wondering if just to let him go to keep the peace."
Isn't that how you got to where you are now? By facilitating his self-centred behaviour? You have children OP. You know what happens when tantrums are rewarded, they encourage further tantrums.

"I do feel rubbish though, after all I do for him. He behaves like he hasn't a care in the world whilst I have no time and feel like a single parent."
And have you told him this? A saying I came across here on Mumsnet - 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'. If you really want an unequal marriage where you do all the work and he reaps all the benefit, then by all means, crack on. But you'd be a fool to yourself to do so.

I would suggest that instead, you act very out of character and have a fucking fit at him - loud, shouty, and sweary. Tell him he's a pain in the arse and a selfish fuckwit and you have had enough of his swanning around like a twelve year old, and if he doesn't buck up his ideas and grow the fuck up then he can just bugger off because he's fuck all use as a husband and you'll manage just fine without him, better in fact because you'll have one less child and that child is the petulant one. Yes, I really do think that you're going to have to shock him.

midgetastic · 15/09/2022 14:02

Tell him yes provided he drops and collects his children from school - no objection at all

NotLactoseFree · 15/09/2022 14:03

How much rearranging of your day will it require? Did he even acknowledge that?

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2022 14:09

So, given your update, he's got it totally the wrong way round. He's not a supportive husband.
Would it be possible to give him a taste of his own medicine? Next day off work you have, announce the day before you're going out to x for the whole day.
See how he responds.
If it's not possible because he is incapable of looking after his children on his own, then it's time to reassess your situation.

economicervix · 15/09/2022 14:13

What’s the point of him?

GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 14:16

I am here to hold everything together. I do everything, and apart from having a job he pretty much does nothing

This is your issue, not the hobby he does on his day off. You sound massively resentful, understandably so. Have you spoken to him about how you feel about his lack of input or have you been a silent martyr? This isn't a situation I would enjoy being in either, might be time to spell some things out for the silly sausage.

economicervix · 15/09/2022 14:16

Endless threads like this, where a woman picked some shit guy to reproduce with and then analyses his behaviour and words, not a thought given on how to mitigate the trauma inflicted on the kids with having a parent who doesn’t want them.

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 15/09/2022 14:18

Luckyloubypink · 15/09/2022 13:58

The man is free to do whatever he wants because I am here to hold everything together. I do everything, and apart from having a job he pretty much does nothing, if that answers your questions.

Today is probably one of the only times he hears the word 'no' because it is genuinely impractical for me to have him just leave at short notice for the whole day.

But if he does nothing then how is his absence impacting you? Either he actually does help and can't tomorrow now and that has understandably pissed you off or he awlays does f all and tomorrow is a reminder that he can swan off wherever he wants but you can't which has understandably pissed you off. I think you need to agree together that you're a team. I would make a point of telling him that you are going to take a day off a week and go out somewhere even if it's just to a mate's house. His reaction to these ultimatums will tell you all you need to know x

wackamole · 15/09/2022 14:23

So, his going on this day out would mean that you take over his childcare/household responsibilities for the day, and that would significantly disrupt your work (if it's even possible at all). Did he specifically ask you to pick up his responsibilities for the day? Has he proposed any other solution (perhaps there's a family member, friend, or paid carer who he could ask to step in)?

Assuming there's not another reason you object to his activity (e.g., it's dangerous, illegal, etc.) he just needs to schedule it so that it doesn't interfere with his ongoing household/family obligations. If this is a once in a lifetime opportunity that's just come up last minute, I'd probably try to help him out on a one-off basis, but I'd also expect he would say thanks and do the equivalent for me. Otherwise, I'd expect him to either get someone besides you to handle his tasks, or to ask you to take them with a reasonable amount of notice.

Now he isn't speaking to me and I'm wondering if just to let him go to keep the peace. No. If he genuinely thinks that sulking and "sending you to Coventry" is effective communication, you have bigger problems and shouldn't be doing anything to compound them. If he's trying to manipulate you, don't pander to it. His behaviour certainly would NOT make me more inclined to say yes than if he'd honestly said "hey, I have this rare opportunity - sorry it's last minute, but COULD you help ...?" It's never a good idea to reinforce unacceptable behaviour.

(You do seem dismissive of whatever his hobby is, or of his hobbies in general, but it also seems like there's a lot of resentment built up over a long time, and the communication in your relationship sounds terrible. Any chance of a more general open discussion about shared responsibilities and balance of who does what when?)

inappropriateraspberry · 15/09/2022 14:23

So why did he bother telling you about it if he's going to go anyway?
He doesn't need your permission, but at the same time he should be considerate of the rest of the family and how it may impact them. You need to make him realise that he isn't young free and single anymore and has responsibilities other than himself.

Starlightstarbright1 · 15/09/2022 14:24

Does he do any adulting ?

My response woukd be how are you going to sort out the children.. i am at work ?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/09/2022 14:24

So the issue is that, say, he was meant to be doing the school runs and sorting the kids dinner, but has assumed that it's ok for you to do it despite you working? What's your set up (eg can you do school runs and work your normal hours, so it's just annoying, or will you have to get in late, leave early, and make up the hours another time, drag the kids out to each others activities tonight etc ie it actually does make your day quite a bit harder).

It it's going to make your day quite a bit harder then its shit that he doesnt recognise that if you want someone else to do your share of whatever (chores, logistics, childcare) you've got to a. Give them notice b. Ask them nicely not tell them you're off c. Make alternative arrangements to try and lessen the impact (eg 'I'd like to go out tomorrow so I've made the kids lunches already as that's normally my job and arranged for them both to have a playdate straight after school so you can pick them up normal time) and d. Make up for it by encouraging the other person to do stuff and picking up their share happily when it happens.

I'm guessing he seems to assume that anything other than his work (ie home and kids) is your job so it's your issue to sort when he isnt there, and doesn't get any of the above

SunshineLoving · 15/09/2022 14:27

He is not behaving like a husband or a dad. Does nothing at home? He's not some 15 year old child. He has responsibilities. I'm not sure I could carry on putting up with this if I was you.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/09/2022 14:31

And I wouldn't give in to the sulking, he is acting like a child so treat him like one...if you give in to the sulking, it will reinforce that it works

catless · 15/09/2022 14:31

He's a bully.

TeenDivided · 15/09/2022 14:35

Tell him he can leave to see the Queen at 6pm tomorrow evening, queue through the night and be home by lunchtime Saturday?

dammit88 · 15/09/2022 14:37

For me it depends what it is. But if you aren't happy, you aren't happy.

Herejustforthisone · 15/09/2022 14:37

Another day, another awful man.

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