To be hurt that DH is not speaking to me because I'm an unsupportive wife

[Luckyloubypink]

DH and I have been together for 20 years and throughout that time I have always supported him in whatever his latest hobby is, no matter how ridiculous, how inconvenient, how financially costly it is, even at times when I know full well the answer should have been a firm no.

Today DH comes to me with an idea that he wants to do tomorrow, which involves being gone the whole day, travelling very far, for something that could have been done at home.

I said, I can see why he would like to go but it was impractical due to me working and having school runs, etc. He said it was his time and he should be allowed to do what he wants. He said he knew I would say no and ridicule him for his idea, and I was never supportive what he wants to do. He should be allowed to do what he wants to do (shouldn't we all, eh?).

Now he isn't speaking to me and I'm wondering if just to let him go to keep the peace. I do feel rubbish though, after all I do for him. He behaves like he hasn't a care in the world whilst I have no time and feel like a single parent.

I was going to write something along these lines. Making a list of everything you do and everything he does (his is going to be a lot shorter).

OP, you have enabled his childish behaviour and now need to put a stop to it. Apart from the list detailed in the above post, please do a budget list of how you are going to manage with 2 separate households and the likely timetable that you will each have the kids for. You need to play hardball and not enable his nonsense to keep the peace any longer.

I recommend sitting him down and showing him both lists. Telling him that his behaviour over his day off has woken you up to the fact that you are in effect a single parent and that you would have more support from him if you separated. If you were separated he would have to parent his own children at set times and then you would actually have time for a hobby or interests of your own. Tell him that it is incredibly unattractive to have a man-child for a partner as you are not his Mum and that it puts you off him. You wish to be with a man not a petulant teenager that just happens to look like one. Tell him that you're questioning why you have continued in this relationship and thinking that there is nothing in it for you and little for the kids and you would be better off without him. A popular Mumsnet phrase is "what is the point of him?" and you could ask him this as well.

He needs to wake up to reality just as you have.

Don’t blame the OP for her husbands appalling behaviour.

Sadly she’s married to a tw*t.

Unfortunately when couples do split up (and I hope OP can work things out with her husband before that might happen), there is no legal obligation for men to 'do 50-50'. If you have custody of your children, you can't force the other parent to help out, in the same way you can demand maintenance. A lazy, selfish shite will stay a lazy selfish shite, and there's precious little you can do about it.

Just tell him sorry, he’s not pulling his weight.

Exactly. In my experience they're as useful divorced as they are married.

Have you told him to grow up? Or to go and not to bother coming back? It's not your fault he's come up with something completely impracticable, and he knew it would be, he's just finding it convenient to blame you.

He sounds liked such an arsehole I'd probably let him go permanently

I can see this from both sides. I 'let' my husband do whatever he likes just so I am free of him for a few hours or a night, or a few days ideally, and to keep the peace. I once brought up the fact maybe he should take more responsibility and not just go off here and there at the drop of a hat, and I really shot myself in the foot there as he stopped going out for quite a few months, and so he was in the house all the time..... not what I wanted at all. It's easier just to say fine, go, do what you want. But then yes I am enabling him to continue to do that. I also feel like a single parent, and I prefer it. He lives like a 50 year old student. Maybe if I loved him and wanted our marriage to work I would have put my foot down and insisted we do everything equally and fairly, but I just want him out of the way as much as possible. What do you want OP? From your post you sound pretty sick of the situation and that you too have lost all love for him. Would you be more at peace if you split up? Once you get to this stage, it's not easy to come back from, everything they do just winds you up more and more. In fact it's a year today since I stopped wearing my wedding ring. It was something small, but it made me feel I've had enough.

I think you need to disabuse him of the notion that you are the default parent.

He shouldn’t be asking you if he can go, the question should be whether you are willing to take on his share of the responsibilities. And if not, it’s then up to him to organise the alternative childcare to collect the dc etc.

you are neither his mum nor his servant.

Interestingly, @jennakong , my exhusband is a much better exhusband than he ever was a husband. And selfishness was his downfall too. He stepped up. He had to because for two days a week I don't do everything for him any more. I was there 24-7 before. Also interestingly, I don't take any shit from him whatsoever any more, cos I have no desire to want him to like me, and he responds positively - so much more than when I was a doormat (like the op). It seems I've had a 'lucky' divorce though, from what I read on here.

Oh, op, what is the point of him? He's a lazy, sulky, selfish man child. Surely your life would be easier without him in it?

OP, your post reminds me so much of Tom and Lynette's Scavo marriage (as stupid as it sounds, sorry). You aren't unsupportive. You were supporting his shit through all these years and he was living in his bubble that the world revolves around him. Leave this child alone to have some thinking.

Did you marry my ex, by any chance? Sounds like him.

In the end I couldn't stand his narcissism and left. Life's been much better since then.

So, someone asked this already

does he do nothing, in which case him not being around has no impact

or does he do stuff, so you’re not doing it all?

This isn’t an adult to adult relationship. You said yourself the language is if he’s “allowed” to do something and gets to act like a child if he isn’t, whilst you are portrayed as big bad mummy/wife saying no. From my understanding 'allowed' is the term the husband uses rather than the OP, so at least he has enough self awareness to recognise he's acting like a child I suppose!

You actually need to tell him this, word for word. In writing if you must, for posterity.

He's being a massive man-child who isn't pulling his weight as a husband or parent at home. How long does he seriously expect you not to realise your life might be a lot nicer without him about at all if he doesn't grow the fuck up.

How did you 'make' him take care of the children? Formal custody arrangement?

I found my ex partner really let us down when he met someone else - any excuse not to have the kids, no more overnight stays, falling asleep on the sofa when he did have them, leaving them in front of the TV for hours. I suppose I could have gone to court to force him to have them for a set no. of hours every week, but it seemed so unfair on the children - they clearly weren't a priority, he wasn't interested in doing anything worthwhile with them, and it would have been so damaging for them to only be there on sufferance. Unfortunately men seem to be allowed to draw a line under their past lives in a way women aren't.

Sorry this was the message I was replying to...

@jennakong
Well, I guess I didn't make him do anything. He just did. He's not a complete wanker, so that helps. He wants a relationship with his children.
When he lived with us, he did nothing with them, because he didn't need to, I was doing it all and he was seeing them all the time anyway. Now, he only sees them two days a week so he focuses on them totally then- meals out, holidays, surf lessons etc etc all stuff he never bothered to do before we divorced.

I know this seems like a tangent about my life, but actually op, it's not - this could be what it's like for you, I guess you know better than us.

Stick to your guns and explain that this has nothing to do with "not supporting him" ...it is actually to do with HIM not supporting you because he announces he wants to clear off at very short notice which makes managing everything else that is both of your responsibilities ie your mutual kids ..impossible. (And he needs to just grow up... but maybe skip that bit at the moment!!)

Then arrange a time to sit down together and discuss the wider issue here ..ie him just not considering how HIS comfortable life is made possible by YOU!!!!

Of course he can, as long as he arranges alternative (and suitable) childcare... that isn't you (because you can't).

Why does he have to ask for permission? That’s a bit weird isn’t it?

He sounds awful!

Is he queuing up for the Queen?

I do feel rubbish though, after all I do for him. He behaves like he hasn't a care in the world whilst I have no time and feel like a single parent

There is the problem. He's a total knobhead, treats you like shit and doesnt respect you.
Why are you married to this ass-hat?