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Original poster

To be hurt that DH is not speaking to me because I'm an unsupportive wife

136 replies

Luckyloubypink · 15/09/2022 13:14

DH and I have been together for 20 years and throughout that time I have always supported him in whatever his latest hobby is, no matter how ridiculous, how inconvenient, how financially costly it is, even at times when I know full well the answer should have been a firm no.

Today DH comes to me with an idea that he wants to do tomorrow, which involves being gone the whole day, travelling very far, for something that could have been done at home.

I said, I can see why he would like to go but it was impractical due to me working and having school runs, etc. He said it was his time and he should be allowed to do what he wants. He said he knew I would say no and ridicule him for his idea, and I was never supportive what he wants to do. He should be allowed to do what he wants to do (shouldn't we all, eh?).

Now he isn't speaking to me and I'm wondering if just to let him go to keep the peace. I do feel rubbish though, after all I do for him. He behaves like he hasn't a care in the world whilst I have no time and feel like a single parent.

OP posts:
Cloverforever · 16/09/2022 18:58

Willowwalkies · 16/09/2022 18:00

Why does he have to ask for permission? That’s a bit weird isn’t it?

If it leaves the OP having to do more running around and childcare whilst she is supposed to be working then of course it's not weird to have to ask!

Butchyrestingface · 16/09/2022 19:03

The man is free to do whatever he wants because I am here to hold everything together. I do everything, and apart from having a job he pretty much does nothing, if that answers your questions.

Why do you do all of this though? It's a puzzle.

He sounds divine, btw. The wenches will be lined up further than the lying-in-state queue at Westminster if you ever cut him loose.

Runmybathforme · 16/09/2022 19:05

Luckyloubypink · 15/09/2022 13:58

If it had no impact on me then it wouldn't be an issue. However, it is his day off and I am working. We have two small children. He is usually free to do whatever he wants obviously. To 'allow' or 'let' him do things are his words he uses when he's trying to make out I'm a terrible wife, not mine.

The man is free to do whatever he wants because I am here to hold everything together. I do everything, and apart from having a job he pretty much does nothing, if that answers your questions.

Today is probably one of the only times he hears the word 'no' because it is genuinely impractical for me to have him just leave at short notice for the whole day.

It doesn't sound like much of a partnership, why have you put up with all this ,? For goodness sake stop indulging this man child and find your backbone.

007Stocko · 16/09/2022 19:21

It's very simple. You let him know that he can take the time out as he wants, no problem at all. But in return you will be doing exactly the same and taking a similar amount of time out to do your own thing whilst he takes care of the family and home.

Hoppinggreen · 16/09/2022 19:32

You should definitely let him go
You shouldn’t let him come back though

Brigante9 · 16/09/2022 19:40

He does sod all at home? Time for a change.

Notaflippinclue · 16/09/2022 20:10

Tell him to go - and keep on going. What a chump.

TwinkleChristmas · 16/09/2022 20:27

You should of started to say No years ago.

daisychain01 · 16/09/2022 20:33

blockpavingismynightmare · 15/09/2022 13:18

He behaves like this because you allow him to OP

Well done, nice bit of victim-blaming there.

The DH is acting like that because he's a selfish arse. The OP shouldn't have to go to the effort of parenting him.

LampLighter414 · 16/09/2022 20:36

Does he want to go and see the Queen?

dizzydizzydizzy · 16/09/2022 20:54

blockpavingismynightmare · 15/09/2022 13:18

He behaves like this because you allow him to OP

Nonsense! OP isn't his mum, she's his partner, his equal.

Lunificent · 16/09/2022 20:56

You are not being unreasonable.
He is a shithead and he won’t change no matter what you do. Don’t try challenging him. Don’t try anything. He’s a lost cause.
Just leave him when you feel ready. Start making plans now.

Fudgemonkeys · 16/09/2022 21:02

I fear you need to stand your ground, it may have taken you 20 years but this now needs addressing. Good luck.

MsCactus · 16/09/2022 22:05

If my DH did this I'd say "You can't because actually I'm going for a day out tomorrow" and disappear, leaving him with the kids, everything etc to sort out for the next day.

Come back after a stay in a hotel and see how he coped without me there.

Give him a taste of his own medicine. Think he'd then get the message that behaving like this isn't OK

billy1966 · 16/09/2022 22:14

Lunificent · 16/09/2022 20:56

You are not being unreasonable.
He is a shithead and he won’t change no matter what you do. Don’t try challenging him. Don’t try anything. He’s a lost cause.
Just leave him when you feel ready. Start making plans now.

This.
A complete waster.

If you were my daughter you would be packed and gone.

Life is too short and precious.

Protect yourself, reach out, and get the hell out.

comfortablyfrumpy · 16/09/2022 22:19

Bloody hell. He sounds tiresome!

oosha · 16/09/2022 22:38

Quite frankly I would tell him to f* off and do what he wants, then afterwards don’t bother coming back. What a total a-hole your husband is!

GretaVanFleet · 16/09/2022 22:42

In 20 years is this the first time he’s sulked?

Hawkins001 · 16/09/2022 22:46

So to use a mumsnet term, he's a cock lodger @007Stocko ?

JubileeQueen123 · 16/09/2022 23:45

Why is he asking permission? Surely he can see it isn’t an appropriate time to go and make that call himself.

Autumn61 · 17/09/2022 01:39

Do any of his hobbies involve you? Do they often take him a long distance away? Do they regularly take him away for long periods of time? Can he account for the expense? I’m sorry but I would start to ask different questions. My apologies, I haven’t read all the thread so you may have well read all this before. If not, he’s a selfish arse and you need to stop being a doormat x

jennakong · 17/09/2022 07:11

Hawkins001 · 16/09/2022 22:46

So to use a mumsnet term, he's a cock lodger @007Stocko ?

What is a 'cock lodger'?

Hawkins001 · 17/09/2022 07:16

jennakong · 17/09/2022 07:11

What is a 'cock lodger'?

Show quote history

Fellow mumsnetters may correct me, but I believe it's where the partner does their own thing, while the wife does all the duties, child care etc

Madtulip · 17/09/2022 08:06

Hi. I really get this post as I’ve lived this relationship. Op- can I just say that if and when you put your “ foot down” be aware that his sulky reaction may turn into “ I want my freedom permanently “. Mine did after years of my “unsupportiveness”. Basically that meant that when he put his job and hobbies first over us and arrives home my lack of joy on seeing him or putting my foot down saying no a few times meant I was unsupportive … I’d did say no for one out of the blue outing but he went anyway and I had to work so he sorted a 15 year old nephew to mind kids. I had to come home work leave nb meeting as DD fell at a friends house nephew took dd ds to and 3 year old DD fell head injury .. the trauma of it all caused by his irresponsibility. Anyhows o agree with posters they don’t change. He doesn’t love you like a wife. You’re his mother - not that you meant to be but he wanted you to be that. I know the loneliness sadness and tiredness OP so if you can run while you can. Good luck.

bellocchild · 17/09/2022 09:07

You could try asking him (nicely!) if he's finished sulking yet? And every time he suggests something ridiculous ask him if he's going to sulk if you say no? Thus, when he says you are unsupportive, you can say he's a dreadful sulker if he doesn't get his own way.