How to spot the shite fathers early on?

[StellaStacey]

I'm newly single in my late 20s. I want to think about settling down and starting a family with someone.

I see so many of the same sort of posts on here about women having children with their partners and the father not being a parent at all or doing any household chores whatsoever. The man insisting he has a right to undisrupted sleep because he works a paid job and has zero appreciation to the hard work and exhaustion that goes into raising a child. I seriously at points consider staying childless because I don't think I can cope with this kind of setup and want to avoid it at all costs, not only because of how physically exhausting it must be but the mental torment of a partner completely disrespecting and think so little of you as the mother of their child. I know I would never get over the resentment. I read some of the posts on here and I want to scream at these men who are driving their partners to such breaking point for being completely and utterly useless. My god you are heros and extremely resilient if you have been in this situation.

As I jump onto the dating scene again I wanted to ask, are these useless twats easy to spot early on? Are there warning signs? If you ended up in this situation was it obvious looking back that it would be like that but you were love blind to the signs? What are the red flags? Did your DP completely change when a baby came along or did they always have these tendencies to avoid all responsibility?

Eh, it can be hard to generalise. For example I have a messy, video-gaming, football season ticket holder who on paper would look like a LTB but is actually the most supportive, caring husband and father you could ask for. So the mess and the xbox and the football are all fine by me

Very true

Add boaters to this 😂 my soon to be ex husband always loved his boat more than me! Since having our gorgeous girl he's hardly missed a weekend on it while I've not even managed a session at the gym!

My husband has always been selfish and always seemed to royally fuck up at the times I needed him most. I do wonder if he is terrified of responsibility and self sabotaged to avoid having to ever be my rock. So selfishness is a major red flag! Don't think a baby will change them, it only further highlights the depths of their selfishness!

However, I don't regret a single things as I now have my DD who I love more than I could have ever imagined. Yes it can be tough feeling like you're doing it alone but it's so worth it!

100% agree with this! Everyone used to say how my husband would be the most amazing dad as he was so good with my friend's kids. Yes he's good at carrying on and making them laugh but won't do any night feeds and hasn't so much as bought my DD a nappy! Some men aren't that outgoing and would maybe feel silly playing with kids but could be the best dads to their own. A child needs commitment and stability not a clown.

This is an excellent post.

@LaurenM87 it's like thinking Boris Johnson would be a good PM or a good dad because 'he's a bit of a laugh'

I haven't read the whole thread and I imagine it's been said before, but I just wanted to say that Mumsnet can give a skewed impression of things at times. The people who are in secure relationships with partners who do their fair share are not posting for advice on the subject on the relationship board.

My husband is a hands-on father and we split domestic chores equally. My friends all seem to have partners who do their fair share too. Don't be too pessimistic about the prospect of meeting a guy who is capable of parenting properly.

Just talk to your dates.
Tell them what you're looking for in life, that you want a family, not necessarily with them of course, but it shouldn't be a secret that this is your ultimate goal in dating.

Discuss what type of future you want and that will include family life. It's getting to know someone. They will reveal the type of set up they want eventually and you can use that to decide whether or not to get serious about them.

I think the most important thing is that he really wants a family and shows he's committed to you and your baby. He'll make mistakes, as will you, but you figure it out and learn together. You make it clear from day dot that he will be caring for the child by himself at times and follow through with that - a lot of the uselessness stems from 'I can't do it' because they've never been left alone to get on with it simply because mums are off on maternity leave and are always there. No one's fault, just the way it goes sometimes.