Holding off potty training a 3y9m old

[AmySma1i]

Hi, my DD is 3y9m old and isn't showing many signs of being potty trained yet after successful earlier attempts, we've taken a break after a long spell where we've been able to have no pants but to no avail, she recognises far too late with nothing on, and never notices until patterns change in the nappy.

We've got a trip to visit grandparents in Australia in 2 months time and I don't think we'll reliably crack potty training by then if at all. I've decided to go back to just nappies for the trip and the month away and try again when we get back. However she's going to turn 4 years old whilst away and i never thought I'd still have a 4 year old in nappies day and night. Am I making the correct decision holding off or should I give one big final push despite there not being many signs? Any advice as well as general thoughts would be amazing ❤

Well arnt you just the bees knees 🙄

Well actually you do I have a disabled child who I got out of nappies at nine or ten and hes the only child in his class in his special school who is toilet trained so I think that comment is quite judgemental
But anyway thats not what this thread is about

In many ways I think an older child can be harder to train because they’re stubborn but I do think there is a bit of a narrative of ‘my child got it in 2 days’ and people think they’re failing if they doesn’t happen. For both of mine it was a process that took weeks and months before I could just let them crack on and not worry about it. My youngest got it really quickly and then had a 6 week regression where she had loads of accidents. The staff at nursery said it was really common and expected it from the majority of children.

Yep my younger child was much easier to train but it still took weeks not days and was completely exhausting. Not all kids get it in two days and anyone who thinks their kids doing so is a reflection of their stellar parenting is an absolute knob!

Funnily enough no one enquires as to whether my kids toilet trained at 2 or 3.

Op I'd put her in pants and stay at home this weekend you've got a long weekend, chocolate buttons for trying the toilet or potty, extra for actually using it.

I'd really try and persevere. Lots of talk about being a big girl and using the toilet. It should click.

DS2 never showed any signs. I gave up waiting when he was 3y 3m and went for it. It was a nightmare headfuck but we got there in the end (shudders at the memories).

DS3 was also over 3 when he learnt. Also showed none of the modern “signs”. He hated any over the top praise and bribery. It was far too overwhelming for him. One day he cracked it, the turning point was when he asked that we go away and leave him in the loo so he could relax and get on with it!! Job done.

I'd probably look a bit more into constipation and reduced sensation if she isn't even aware that she is weeing. I think 7 nappies at that age is also an awful lot. Are they saturated, or just a bit wet? Has she had any bloods done? Excessive urine production can be a sign of diabetes

Bloody potty training. So much of it depends on the child, so all the advice in the world can be irrelevant at times. My son was 4.5 - I was getting very nervous about school. We tried everything. We'd always used washable nappies, so it was nothing to do with disposables, tried bare bum time, tried bribes, tried sticker charts - nothing worked. My daughter was just under 2 when she was potty trained, so I had thought we had it cracked, but nope. He would literally poo or pee himself, and then sit there in it - completely unconcerned. Then, when you pointed it out, he would try and deny it. Ugh. Anyhow, sorry for the lack of advice, just wanted to say that it isn't always as straight-forward as some posters on here would have you think! And late potty training isn't always due to "lazy parenting".

I held back on Dts training at 3yo because we had to fly to America and it just seemed an added issue to switch them back into nappies for the journey / time difference etc. they were 12 weeks prem. when we got back they were reliably dry in a couple
Of days.

I think at 4 I'd persevere though. What do you mean not as developed? If it's a medical issue just stick with the nappies.

She's upset about it whenever we talk. There's tears and she says she's really trying bit never knows when it's happening until she sees a change in the nappy. She desperately doesn't want to need them, but understands why

Good luck OP. Interestingly my friend has girls who have all been very hard to train. For her it really was a case of dealing with months of accidents.
I trained all 3 of mine around their 2nd birthdays (using the Oh Crap book) and the 3rd also took months of accidents, but having trained the older two very easily at that age I was determined to crack it. It felt fairly endless at the time but when he was 2.5 and completely accident free and his wee chums at toddler groups etc then still had it all to go through, I was glad I'd stuck at it!

By the way - the big thing in the Oh Crap book is the mindset. You WILL succeed.

Definitely visit the Eric website and push the doctor for a check. A lot of people are saying that a neurotypical child should be fine, but there are many other medical reasons it might not be fine. My kids were out of nappies at 2.5 for one and 4 for the other. It took a lot longer for the one that a psychological withholding issue. We had years of movicol and a lot of accidents in the first year of school still. Yet I am the same parent and did the same things for both.

I do think it's unusual that she can't feel when she goes, I think I would get that checked with a gp.

Yeah we're having similar, both girls are so similar in many ways it makes no sense why training them is so different. The older one only took 2 weeks, and we've been at this for months now 🙄

It sounds like her brain isn't receiving the message that she needs to go - I think that should be checked out.

Meh, nappies or pull ups are fine. No big deal. She may get it very quickly when she is ready and be reliably dry.

Any hypermobility in the family? Or dyspraxia or autism. All three can make a kid late training as they can have poor interoception. (Bet there are other things as well.)

If she's not showing signs when she turns four see your GP and ask whether you need the enuresis clinic.

I would try again. 2 months is a long time in the life of a pre-schooler, and you've still got a good chunk of time to be dry before your trip.

It sounds like you've tried loads of different things and no luck. I would forget about it for now, put her in nappies and try again when you get back. No harm in starting medical investigations in the meantime. But I wouldn't want to deal with accidents on the long flight, it would be a nightmare to handle wet clothing in hand luggage, and a lot of children are anxious about new/different toilets when they are first trained.

Ignore stupid comments about it being neglectful/too old etc - there's really no huge difference between 3.9 and 4.2 and you have plenty of time to tackle it before school but after you get back.

I think yes, if you'd only given it half hearted gos before then do one more big targeted push now to give her time to go through that adjustment tricky phase before your trip, but that's not the case.

DS2 was 3.8 before he trained. It's been no issue at all. Think about what works for you and DD, not what random people will think.

And that's not what the joke is about, either. Of course there are people who are incontinent or children who take longer to reach that milestone due to medical or developmental issues, the point is that a child who is stubborn about wanting to keep using nappies at 3 is not going to keep that mindset forever, whereas as a parent of that 3yo, that's the only future you can see.

Be kind to the OP!!! If @AmySma1i hadn't tried or given potty training a fair chance you might have a point but it could easily be something out of the child's control.
Try not to do an 'intensive' course that guarantees success in an unrealistic time frame, that sort of thing is never good for children.
Could be a vasopressin issue, as some people have said, it could be to do with her body signals not getting through. Best of luck xxx

We'll bring all these questions up but definitely for her confidence nappies are better than lots of accidents with no success at the moment in our eyes

Thank you, I think we're going for one more big push. We've tried super hard tonight and not had success but will go for 2 or 3 weeks and see if we can have any progress. As she'll have to wear nappies at nursery I'm hoping there's no mixed messages though

Op I would wait until you have a few days and go for it. This weekend being a long is ideal I would not chop and change between potty training at home and nappies in nursery.
Have the 3 days at home/ in the garden. And if you can get her dry for Tuesday then get them to keep going, don't be put off by a couple of accidents.

Sounds like a plan, go for the three days, send her in pants on the Tuesday letting them know it's giving it a shot, if they have no luck, shelve it until after the trip.

Good luck!

Thank you! We had a long chat before bed and said it was going to be pur super awesome attempt this weekend. She really wants to try so we'll see what happens!!! I'll definitely post if we have a success or failure