Holding off potty training a 3y9m old

[AmySma1i]

Hi, my DD is 3y9m old and isn't showing many signs of being potty trained yet after successful earlier attempts, we've taken a break after a long spell where we've been able to have no pants but to no avail, she recognises far too late with nothing on, and never notices until patterns change in the nappy.

We've got a trip to visit grandparents in Australia in 2 months time and I don't think we'll reliably crack potty training by then if at all. I've decided to go back to just nappies for the trip and the month away and try again when we get back. However she's going to turn 4 years old whilst away and i never thought I'd still have a 4 year old in nappies day and night. Am I making the correct decision holding off or should I give one big final push despite there not being many signs? Any advice as well as general thoughts would be amazing ❤

Christ alive the logical conclusion of the 'not ready yet' gang. Awful for the child's dignity and the planet.

Hi op,
I have a child with sn, non verbal and limited understanding, exact same age. He now hates pull ups so he mainly just has just pants on. He's fascinated watching wee come out so hoping he may crack it in a few weeks. Accidents galore but hoping it'll fall into place.
Try with your dd

You don’t look for signs of being potty trained, you look for signs of being ready to learn how to use a potty. Just like any other skill it’s something they need the opportunity to learn. At this age many children are potty trained, can write their name, dress themselves and are starting to learn to read. Is she meeting other milestones?

I went through years of stressing myself and my son about toilet training. He seemed to have got it, then started wetting himself again. I worried he was on the spectrum but no health professional agreed. Finally, when he kept coming home from school stinking of pee every day for months, I made another attempt. The school counsellor assessed him (he was 7 or 8) and said there was no indication for this being caused by additional needs. I finally was referred to a paediatrician who referred me to a urologist. She said it was actually more common than you think for children to not "get it" but people keep it quiet because they're embarrassed. There was a miscommunication between brain, kidneys and bladder and it took months to get it sorted with going to the toilet at specific times and patches for his kidney function. He is now 10 and on advice from the urologist still in pull-ups at night. It is not necessarily the child's or the parents' laziness.
When my second child was ready, he was toilet trained in a few days. My third child is almost three and making no attempts to go to the toilet. I will leave it until she's ready. If their brains are not ready for it there really isn't much you can do.
Go with your instinct and don't spoil your trip by stressing over the toilet training.

Blunt but true.
Your child is not a baby or a toddler, I would expect there to be some pretty obvious additional needs if in nappies at that age, or I too would be thinking neglect to be perfectly honest.
'They've ran out of nappies at the shops so you'll need to use the toilet'. Cold turkey. Don't over think it, just get on with it. I'm sure she'll have mastered it within a week.

You need to keep reminding her in the early days. We took my son’s pull up away during the day when he was 2, kept a potty in the living room over dog pads, and kept reminding him to go. There were tears, tantrums, messes, but now at 2.5 he’s totally dry except for naptime. Sometimes you just have to perservere with it.

I feel like you’re going to confuse her by putting nappies back on, they’re also so good at being absorbent they’re the easy option for your child because it doesn’t make her uncomfortable. You need to start and stick with it. 2months is plenty of time and 4 is in my opinion very late. Good luck

I think you should just do it.

I've trained four. There comes a point when you just have to bite the bullet and go for it.
No more nappies.

Accidents are to be expected. They're not a sign that DC is not ready they're just accidents. Clear your diary for a week. Put pants on and offer loo/potty every hour. Lots of praise for anything that goes right. Don't mention accidents. Just clean up.

2 months will be lots of time at that age.

With the best will in the world she too old for nappies.

If she is ready , and at 3 yes 9 months she probably is, it will only take a few days to 'potty train' so there is no need to put off trying.

Thanks all for the replies, we've tried pretty much everything so far. We've picked out favourite pants and tried pantless, sat on the potty every hour, tried rewards.

Our successful spell was only a few days with a few accidents but a few wees on the toilet, but that was 3 months ago. Weve had a couple of large life events which haven't helped either. We'll try again but I'm not sure what else to try. She doesn't know when she wees at all and nursery has said she's not showing anything for them to work with and support yet.

In terms of SN or issues we've visited the GP a number of times, there's no infections or noticeable issues. Her body is a little less developed than she would be at her age, and was slower to most physical milestones (walking growth etc) but she's generally a bright girl.

We are pulling our hair out and feel on advice of others a break and a quick attempt is better

DS was potty trained within 1 week. No more accidents. He was 3yo.
One month later we had to drive long distances (8 hours+) and we explained to him that he would wear pull ups for the car trip.

All the focus on “signs” is a modern fad. Neither of mine displayed much in the way of signs, asked to wear pants or “potty trained themselves” so at 3 I decided they weren’t wearing daytime nappies anymore and that was that. Put them in knickers and leggings and put the kiddy seat on the toilet. It took a bit longer for my autistic child to get the hang of it but my NT child was mostly reliable within a fortnight.

They had accidents and set backs but you have to keep at it. Accidents is how they learn and it’s completely normal for them to do well and then regress when the fuss and rewards stop and they get fed up and decide actually nappies were easier - it doesn’t mean they aren’t ready or they don’t get it.

I would put her in pull ups on the plane though - I’m relaxed about odd accidents in most places as they’re easily cleaned up but aircraft seats are an exception.

My son watered the carpet several times a day until my husband decided enough was enough and spent a couple of day putting him on the toilet every 20 mins- they would have a chat or a wee, back again 20mins later. It has an immediate effect on carpet watering and was Sorted in days, nighttime’s immediately after with 2 days of toilet visits. Don’t give up- she could ‘get it’ in one day.

If she does ok why do you keep reverting back to nappies/ consistency sounds like a huge issue tbh. Of course accidents still happen- but I’m sorry unless SEN no 4yr old should be in nappies. Once you decide to train, commit and chuck the daytime nappies out!

Forget about the signs. At almost 4 (presuming no SN or physical disabilities) she just doesn’t want to do it.

This. A lot of children this age are easily distracted and when you arent used to having to stop what you are doing to go to the loo it will need time for her to get used to - remind her/take her on a regular schedule until she gets in the habit. Pretty much every parent of a young child does a degree of "before/after" - reminding kids to pee before a car journey/bed/school/swimming etc and after meals, activities etc.

Have you tried bribing her with sweets / chocolate / tv? As a previous poster said taking her every 10-20 mins to the loo helps too. You could have toilet toys too - easy to clean stuff you keep in the loo that stay in the loo so she has something to play with.

Just crack on.

You'll have a lot of accidents but who cares. That's normal

Just think how much lighter your luggage will be without nappies

How long have you actually tried for?

Mine took ages. At school now and still has accidents some days but she csnt wear a nappy at almost 4

No, I’m sorry, but at 4 and presuming NT, you don’t wait for “signs”. She is old enough to understand and learn, she just doesn’t want to. You accept that she has to go through a learning process and there will be lots of accidents, she will be uncomfortable, she will learn you’re not going to back down (again) and she’ll crack it. At that age I’d be worried about other children noticing and making fun of her for daytime nappies (nighttime totally different).

Thanks again for all these replies, we really gave it everything over the summer with rewards special pants, no clothes a build a bear promise. But we kept having accident after accident and they weren't less frequent. Any toilet visit was due to chance when she was on it and she didn't realise when we cheered and gave rewards that she was successful, we might try and see if our GP has any more advice as it sounds a complete outlier, but I promise there's nothing we haven't consistently tried for 2 months straight.

We probably wouldn't have gone back without the chat with nursery , we sent her in undies but after 3 days they just said she wasn't at all ready in spite of there help and they wanted her in nappies for the ability for her to focus on learning and taking part etc. They've had others they said which they couldn't figure out but it happened like a switch one day.

She is upset by it as her friends don't wear them and is really trying her hardest

I was going to echo another poster - we used the oh crap book on my 3 1/2 year old son. We left it late as he wasn't showing any signs and nursery were even not sure when we went for it. So don't be put off by age in some ways it does help as I swear my son actually has good bladder control.

We did bare bum at home for 4 days and then jogging bottoms but no underwear. A few weeks of this before putting the pants on.

As he was older a reward chart helped massively. Not to get anything but to be allowed to pick a sticker and 3 stickers for a poo.

Yes we had accidents and still do. By focusing on the training we also learnt to watch his signals. He regressed recently at nursery and they worked out they were asking him to go to the toilet instead of telling him.

Thank you it's only the first time she'll be able to properly see grandparents( was a baby the first time) so want her to be having as much time and fun as possible without lots of accidents. I'd love her to do it toilet trained but I just can't see it happening....

What’s nurseries policy? We didn’t get many signs our boy was ready and every home attempt led to nothing. Then I just started sending him in on pants and trousers with up to 10 changes of clothes! Nursery were amazing about having to change him. And he got it in just over a week. The poos took about 8 weeks longer to finally conquer!

Yabu op if she is turning 4 😳

My daughter absolutely refused to go to the toilet until after her fourth birthday. She could go for hours and hours in pants but wanted a nappy on to pee in. Have to say she got so distressed when we tried to get her on the toilet that we just went with it in the end. Yes I tried bribing with sweets, tablet, tv - didn't work! Sometimes nothing does and you can't force a child to sit on the toilet.

Lots of people say their kids are toilet trained but they are actually still having accidents when you ask. There are some very harsh words on this thread about young children who just aren't ready to go to the toilet yet. Try not to worry, give them some time, they will make their own decision and forcing it does no use at all.