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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holding off potty training a 3y9m old

168 replies

AmySma1i · 13/09/2022 21:19

Hi, my DD is 3y9m old and isn't showing many signs of being potty trained yet after successful earlier attempts, we've taken a break after a long spell where we've been able to have no pants but to no avail, she recognises far too late with nothing on, and never notices until patterns change in the nappy.

We've got a trip to visit grandparents in Australia in 2 months time and I don't think we'll reliably crack potty training by then if at all. I've decided to go back to just nappies for the trip and the month away and try again when we get back. However she's going to turn 4 years old whilst away and i never thought I'd still have a 4 year old in nappies day and night. Am I making the correct decision holding off or should I give one big final push despite there not being many signs? Any advice as well as general thoughts would be amazing ❤

OP posts:
AloysiusBear · 13/09/2022 22:43

We've picked out favourite pants and tried pantless, sat on the potty every hour, tried rewards.

She is used to peeing in a nappy with no hesitation. Try taking her more often than hourly at first.

Make sure she isnt drinking purple squash or anything with a lot of sweeteners in.

Make sure she is drinking enough to feel the sensation of needing to go.

Check she isnt mildly chronically constipated - key cause of toileting accidents as it reduces sensation.

Accept there will be accidents. Make her stop what she is doing to change wet pants, take them to the laundry and get fresh ones.

momtoboys · 13/09/2022 22:53

My opinion may not too popular but here it is. I never really worked on training my sons, it just happened. Mind you, it didn't happen until they were 3 yrs 3 months all 5 of them!) but once they started using the potty they almost never had an accident again. With that being said, I would give it one more shot before you leave. I'll b et it will happen quickly this time around. Enjoy your trip.

TheFairyCaravan · 13/09/2022 22:54

I’m not going to berate you for having an almost 4yo in nappies because if she’s not aware that she’s weeing when she’s sitting on the loo then it sounds like there’s something more going on.

If I were you, I’d give your HV a call. They can be really, really helpful with things like toilet training. It’s all well and good people saying that she should be out of nappies 🙄, I’m sure OP would like nothing more, tbh, but it doesn’t sound like the little girl is deliberately wetting herself to me. She just doesn’t know what’s happening. Not all children are the same.

FantasylandEnthusiast · 13/09/2022 22:54

My DS was 3 years and 8 months when he finally cracked it. We had tried continuously with no avail, and then on this particular occasion he got it straight away. He is however under investigation now for ASD so that may have played a large part in being late to grasp it.

Every hour really isn't enough - I set a timer for 15 minute intervals and sat them on the potty or toilet each time. I have found with both of my DC (nt dd trained at 2) that they both much preferred using the toilet with the seat and step contraption you can get. Both hated the potty, and were much more comfortable and happy to use the big toilet. We set a whole week aside for both of 15 min intervals and used chocolate buttons as rewards for each wee/poo. They both needed slightly different techniques, but once we found what worked for each child, ie the right type of seat, special pants, being excited to pull the flush (😅), they grasped it really quickly. Although DS was definitely late, he was dry with no accidents within 2 days once he cracked it.

It really is a case of making it your complete centre of attention. Don't plan to do anything else. Try 15 min intervals, your child may be ok with 20/30 mins, but one hour at this point is too long. Stay on it until it's done.

Original poster
AmySma1i · 13/09/2022 23:01

We want nothing more than to have her out of nappies, for our and her sake. I should add we've an older daughter as well who we trained without issue just after she turned 3 and see none of the signs.

We'll definitely schedule a call with HV, I wasn't sure as you can search and see numbers of these questions online, so I definitely hope we can find the problem to resolve it for her

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 13/09/2022 23:28

Thank you, when we do try again after other discussions we will try every 15 mins for shorter visits. We did every hour but sat down for quite a time, we tried normal toilet and potty to see if she found one more comfortable, I wouldn't say she was anxious on either

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 13/09/2022 23:34

Ds didn't totally crack it until we went on holiday with my parents, my dad who had bladder problems was going to the toilet every 15 minutes while we were out & about & ds went with him, he was totally dry in 2 days.

MbatataOwl · 13/09/2022 23:47

Why are you using a potty and not a toilet? Pottys are for babies and toddlers, they can't be very comfortable for a 4 year old to sit on. Buy a toilet seat that has a child sized insert attached.

lailamaria · 14/09/2022 00:37

it might seem mean but i think you might be dragging her back and i don't think you want too but you might be doing it unconsciously, it's not like a pushchair situation and you take it out anyway whether walking or not you have to be prepared for accidents but don't preempt them if you get me

Spudina · 14/09/2022 00:45

We didn’t use a potty at all with DD2 cos nursery didn’t either and I find them grim. There’s no need with a nearly four year old. Just get her a seat and step.

Marvellousmadness · 14/09/2022 04:07

A 4 yo in nappies 🤣
Boy, you're in for a world of (rightfully so) judgement

You have 2 months to train her
Get moving
Stop giving up just cuz its hard.

Time to be a parent op

Marvellousmadness · 14/09/2022 04:08

Ps she is way too old for a potty. Those are for babies. Let her use the toilet

Perpop · 14/09/2022 04:12

People can be so rude, you are clearly a great parent and trying your best. Keep going, she will get there.

lovelilies · 14/09/2022 04:25

Read Oh crap potty training. My DS was heading towards 4 and we cracked it in one day (day and night) and he never once had an accident since.
MyDDs were both 2 and were 'easier' but still had accidents for years after PT.
The book is amazing takes the stress right out ( for both of you!)

lovelilies · 14/09/2022 04:33

Hit the nail on the head with her being a bright girl. She's got you sussed, dancing the dolly dance of rewards etc when it's just a thing you have to do.
She doesn't want to OP, stop faffing about and negotiating, be calm, kind and firm but matter of fact.
Rip the plaster off. Don't give it much attention. DD you're not wearing nappies now, isn't that great!
If she soils, calmly hand her some clean bottoms and let her get changed , she will soon get bored of it

StClare101 · 14/09/2022 04:54

Is she constipated? Long term constipation can impact bladder control. My child was 3 years, six months before we could train him for this reason (despite medical supervision for the constipation).

People telling you you are being neglectful are fuck wits who have no idea what it is like to have a child with severe gut and continence issues. Lucky them.

HappyHappyHermit · 14/09/2022 05:26

It took quite a while for dd to get it, but you just have to keep going. I don't think it will help you to go back into nappies. Is the potty in the lounge? If dd sat on the potty we gave her a chocolate button. If she didn't get there in time we didt punish her or anything but did take our time to take her upstairs, wash and change her. She didn't like having to stop what she was doing to be cleaned up so that also seemed to encourage her. She was also a bit nervous of the toilet to start with so we went with just the potty, but it was one mat in the lounge with us so that it wa really convenient for her. It wasn't lovely having it around, but it needed to be in sight for her to start to get it. I wouldn't bother with any rewards that aren't instant either. She will get there.

lurker69 · 14/09/2022 06:36

I'm pretty sure i just annoyed mine into doing it! i was constantly asking 'do you need the toilet?' if they answered no a few times over half an hour- and hour they would be met with 'oh well lets just try anyway!' successful use of the toilet would get a sticker or a smartie something along them lines because sometimes bribery just works!

BusyMum47 · 14/09/2022 08:33

I feel your pain. Our Summer born son was definitely over 3yrs old before he was reliably dry/clean. We tried several times unsuccessfully & in the end we just pushed through & made it happen, because it had to!

I'd definitely try again in the 2mths you've got before you go away. Bare bum. Towels etc everywhere. Constant trips to the loo. Loads of praise & reward. And a f*ck ton of patience!!

Good luck!!

Original poster
AmySma1i · 14/09/2022 10:04

Perpop · 14/09/2022 04:12

People can be so rude, you are clearly a great parent and trying your best. Keep going, she will get there.

Thank you 😊 we're going to try every 15 mins this week evenings and weekend and see where we get. Yesterday though we went through 7 nappies, 4 at nursery and then 3 in the evening at completely random times of the day, and she didn't show any signs of wanting to go before.

We left her overnight nappy on all morning and she didn't notice at all it was completely full until we asked if she'd had a wee.

We will try super encouragement and regular reminders this evening. Put after loads of accidents already this year at nursery they're going to have her in nappies so it will be confusing I worry

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 14/09/2022 10:05

lovelilies · 14/09/2022 04:25

Read Oh crap potty training. My DS was heading towards 4 and we cracked it in one day (day and night) and he never once had an accident since.
MyDDs were both 2 and were 'easier' but still had accidents for years after PT.
The book is amazing takes the stress right out ( for both of you!)

Heard loads of recommendations for this so will definitely give it a try, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 14/09/2022 10:07

StClare101 · 14/09/2022 04:54

Is she constipated? Long term constipation can impact bladder control. My child was 3 years, six months before we could train him for this reason (despite medical supervision for the constipation).

People telling you you are being neglectful are fuck wits who have no idea what it is like to have a child with severe gut and continence issues. Lucky them.

Thank you , it was three months ago we last spoke to a health professional so will set another chat up to make sure there are no issues

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 14/09/2022 10:09

BusyMum47 · 14/09/2022 08:33

I feel your pain. Our Summer born son was definitely over 3yrs old before he was reliably dry/clean. We tried several times unsuccessfully & in the end we just pushed through & made it happen, because it had to!

I'd definitely try again in the 2mths you've got before you go away. Bare bum. Towels etc everywhere. Constant trips to the loo. Loads of praise & reward. And a f*ck ton of patience!!

Good luck!!

Thank you, relieved to hear others are past 3 years, we tried all of this through moat of summer for weeks straight with no pants, but didn't get reliably anywhere.

We encourage using the toilets mainly but have potties in 3 separate places around the house as well

OP posts:
BerriesOnTop · 14/09/2022 10:20

I wouldn't want to be changing nappies/pull ups for a child that big on a long flight

You also don’t want them to have an accident on the plane …

Original poster
AmySma1i · 14/09/2022 10:24

BerriesOnTop · 14/09/2022 10:20

I wouldn't want to be changing nappies/pull ups for a child that big on a long flight

You also don’t want them to have an accident on the plane …

No matter where we get in the next two months unless we can night train it will definitely be pull ups on the plane over in case of accidents. I've avoided using nappy pants at all to avoid confusion in training so I hope that helps if we do succeed before the flight

OP posts: