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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should sack her?

519 replies

Yellowdove · 13/09/2022 19:13

Colleague in work seems to lie a lot about her home/ family life that are easily proven to be untrue. However, she is really good at her job and has never lied about a work related issue (as far as we know). My point is how can we trust her if she lies about such pointless stuff in such a compulsive way?! HR seems to be saying as a it isn’t a work issue there’s nothing we can do. But how is it not a work issue?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 13/09/2022 20:45

Novum · 13/09/2022 20:43

This thread is yet another example of a few people on MN having decided very quickly to disagree with OP and beat her up, and numerous others meekly following their lead without using basic logic and critical thinking.

Of course in an occupation where trust is paramount it is a major issue that someone is habitually lying. How can it not be? It's irrelevant why and how OP knows, because these are lies which could be found out at any time. Anyone within the organisation may meet colleague with her husband and son at any time, or may know someone who knows them well, or may have a child in the same school or attending the same activities as colleague's son. The point is that not only is she lying about the fact of, say, having twins, she seems to be making up extensive stories about the mythical twins and things she is doing with them.

These are all things that HR could easily check up on through public records, and probably should now the issue has been drawn to their attention.

The point is, of course, that OP can only say that she thinks it's not affecting work - she doesn't know. There has to be a real risk that someone who is lying and fantasising all the time will start carrying that over into her working life.

It's not necessarily a matter of getting her sacked, but it is a matter of asking for an explanation. If, as people suggest, there is a good one, the colleague should have no problem in giving it and all of this can be sorted out. But the company and HR should not be closing its eyes to it all and pretending it doesn't happen.

How do you or OP know HR manager has done nothing anyway? They aren't going to disclose any conversations or action they've taken are they?

C8H10N4O2 · 13/09/2022 20:46

Yellowdove · 13/09/2022 20:42

Does no one find it interesting that every story working with a compulsive liar shared on this thread that person ended up being sacked in the end anyway for lying about work? I know that nothing can be done about it. But acting like you can be a total liar in one area of your life and honest as the day is long in another seems grossly naive

Oh I think if the person I was employing and her niece with whom I worked were both incorrigible gossips then I'd make up crap for them to repeat as well.

Raul57 · 13/09/2022 20:46

I've met friends, people at work that lie about their real life outside work. As long as this has no impact on their job, it is not my business.

At times people lie re family/home etc to make them feel fit in/liked etc but otherwise they are very honest people.

What people need to be aware of those that appear denct honest, no criminal convctions etc as they may be very good at hiding their nasty side.

The only people I turst is myself, my wife, our kids, 2 grandkids, my parents and that is it

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 20:46

Op

i find you fascinatingly odd! How’s your story? Partner? Children? Good social life?

Original poster
Yellowdove · 13/09/2022 20:48

washingbasketqueen · 13/09/2022 20:44

Op I think you and your aunt were in the wrong for discussing her personal life. Your aunt shouldn't disclose information about her clients- you should know that if you work with vulnerable people.

I can understand you seeing her at your aunts might has sprung a spontaneous conversation but I don't see how the conversation needed to move beyond - oh that's Kirsty from my work, I didn't realise you looked after her kids.

Why do you think it's appropriate to discuss her marriage, sexual preferences, number of children etc?

I'd just stay out of it. She's either unhinged or she's playing you. Perhaps you're known as an office gossip and she wants to catch you out?

”Oh that’s Kirsty from work. I didn’t realise you where her childminder.”
”Yeah she’s become a good friend. We see a lot of her and her husband Geoff. George is such a good kid too”.
”George? I thought she had twin girls?”

You don’t see how that would be quite a natural conversation to have in the circumstances?

Not word for word and details obviously changed before anyone jumps on me.

OP posts:
Itstarts · 13/09/2022 20:49

Liorae · 13/09/2022 20:34

Did your colleague get a promotion that you wanted OP?

At M&S by any chance?

Jaaxe · 13/09/2022 20:49

Is a bit odd to lie like things like that…are u absolutely sure you are right and it’s all lies? Do you question her lies or try and catch her out ever? Surely if she happy sharing information she wouldn’t mind u asking questions like “aw how old are the twins, are they identical, let’s see a photo”

i mean it’s not a sackable offence but it would worry me if she can make big lies up like that about her home life then could she do the same at work

Hadjab · 13/09/2022 20:50

Yellowdove · 13/09/2022 19:29

Does no one really think it’s very strange behaviour? Would you honestly be happy with your very sensitive data being “looked after” by someone so out of touch with reality? Really? I don’t believe any of you tbh

I really think you're missing the point. Is she lying at work, about work related stuff? If the answer is no, then why would I care? If the answer is no, then why do you care?

Somethingsnappy · 13/09/2022 20:50

Yellowdove · 13/09/2022 20:42

Does no one find it interesting that every story working with a compulsive liar shared on this thread that person ended up being sacked in the end anyway for lying about work? I know that nothing can be done about it. But acting like you can be a total liar in one area of your life and honest as the day is long in another seems grossly naive

Compulsive lying, and lying for your own gain (to get time off work or whatever) is very different from pathological lying, which if all you say is true, sounds more like your colleague, who could perhaps do with a little sympathy and understanding.

Technophobic · 13/09/2022 20:50

I think you’re right to be concerned.

saraclara · 13/09/2022 20:50

Meem321 · 13/09/2022 19:41

This ⬆️

Show quote history

It's hardly weird to know that the aunt looks after the colleague's one little boy, and that she mentions the colleague having a husband. Pretty sure that's not considered confidential stuff.

Hadjab · 13/09/2022 20:51

Yellowdove · 13/09/2022 19:35

It doesn’t help that “HR” is one woman who’s this liar woman’s best friend. Frankly I don’t believe any decent HR department would shrug the level of fantasy she’s spouting as nonsense. If anything surely there is a level of care they should have for her mental health?!

That's quite a drip feed there...

saraclara · 13/09/2022 20:52

Hadjab · 13/09/2022 20:50

I really think you're missing the point. Is she lying at work, about work related stuff? If the answer is no, then why would I care? If the answer is no, then why do you care?

Show quote history

We don't know whether she's lying about work stuff. She could well be, surely? But unless someone outside work lets her employers know, no-one would be any the wiser.

And that's the point really. If she lies so massively about her home life, at work, what is she saying about work in her free time?

LuaDipa · 13/09/2022 20:52

I once had a similar colleague. He used to make up huge stories that were completely unbelievable. One was that his ex-girlfriend was Janet Jackson.

It used to drive me bonkers until one day I was complaining to a much kinder colleague. They said that as far as they can tell, this person was not actually hurting anyone with their stories, and obviously saying these things made them feel better so they just accepted it as part of their personality. This honestly completely changed my outlook towards everyone I have met since. We can actually choose to either be annoyed or accept people. Nowadays as long as no one is being hurt I choose acceptance. I think you should too op.

SueSaid · 13/09/2022 20:55

I think it's odd, it gives an insight into her ability to make stuff up for whatever reason.
I'd have to mention it in a faux innocent way 'oh I saw you leaving my aunt's house, she's a great cm isn't she?' and then see what she says. If that simple conversation destabilises her as you said you're worried about then better to support her sooner rather than later.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 13/09/2022 20:56

Yellowdove · 13/09/2022 20:48

”Oh that’s Kirsty from work. I didn’t realise you where her childminder.”
”Yeah she’s become a good friend. We see a lot of her and her husband Geoff. George is such a good kid too”.
”George? I thought she had twin girls?”

You don’t see how that would be quite a natural conversation to have in the circumstances?

Not word for word and details obviously changed before anyone jumps on me.

Show quote history

Yes, I do & I don't think your Aunt has done anything wrong.

I don't think you mistrusting her in work is surprising.

HOWEVER, you don't know why she's telling lies, perhaps she's escaped from an abusive partner & lies about her home life to try to stay less identifiable. God knows.

are you carers in the community?

giveovernate · 13/09/2022 20:56

Yellowdove · 13/09/2022 20:42

Does no one find it interesting that every story working with a compulsive liar shared on this thread that person ended up being sacked in the end anyway for lying about work? I know that nothing can be done about it. But acting like you can be a total liar in one area of your life and honest as the day is long in another seems grossly naive

So is believing that the office liar that's only been employed for a few months is suddenly best friends with the only HR person.

Olive19741205 · 13/09/2022 20:56

You sound really unhealthily obsessed OP and a bit unhinged

What? No she doesn't. What is the MN obsession with calling people unhinged? You think it's normal to go about telling whopping great lies to people? This thread is bonkers. Everyone is desperate to show that they're oh so non judgemental and 'cool' with every single situation. And of course they never, ever engage is conversation with friends/family members if it involves discussing anything about another person. 🙄

Hadjab · 13/09/2022 20:58

saraclara · 13/09/2022 20:52

We don't know whether she's lying about work stuff. She could well be, surely? But unless someone outside work lets her employers know, no-one would be any the wiser.

And that's the point really. If she lies so massively about her home life, at work, what is she saying about work in her free time?

Show quote history

However, she is really good at her job and has never lied about a work related issue (as far as we know)

She could well be, but as OP doesn't seem to think she has, she has to be given the benefit of the doubt, no?

noirchatsdeux · 13/09/2022 20:58

I have a friend who lies his head off at every job he's had in the past 15 years. He's 'killed off' both his parents, and two 'step-parents'! Both his actual parents are alive and well. He's lied about having severe depression and a partner dying so he can get time off - he's not depressed and hasn't had a partner in over a decade!

He also invented a company that he'd worked for so he could write his own reference.

He's progressed in his career and is now a manager in a position earning a very high wage. He's never been 'rumbled' and is extremely happy.

Elfandshafty · 13/09/2022 20:58

I don't agree with posters slating your aunt

If she has become this woman's friend this isn't a breach of confidentiality, just gossiping

I can totally see how a light conversation about her husband and kids would happen naturally

giveovernate · 13/09/2022 20:59

Elfandshafty · 13/09/2022 20:58

I don't agree with posters slating your aunt

If she has become this woman's friend this isn't a breach of confidentiality, just gossiping

I can totally see how a light conversation about her husband and kids would happen naturally

People that break confidentiality always dress it up as "gossip"!

It's not!

Lacey247 · 13/09/2022 21:01

Fififelix · 13/09/2022 20:27

You sound really unhealthily obsessed OP and a bit unhinged. Her private life is nothing to do with you . You need to take a step back and not let it get to you.

Absolutely.

ShandaLear · 13/09/2022 21:02

This woman has you completely sussed and is basically feeding you shite because she knows you are gossiping with your aunt. She’s playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse. I can’t believe you fell for it and actually went to HR. They must have been laughing their heads off at you.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 13/09/2022 21:05

Not read the full thread but she might be in hiding from an abusive relationship etc, etc, etc.

You and your Aunt sound nasty and unprofessional tbh.