To need anti depressants to enjoy life?

[Miseryhatescompany]

I don’t feel like I’m a “proper” depressed person. I have always been very anxious, obsessive and fixate on things, but have rarely had very low moods where I struggle to function, get out of bed etc. My main symptoms are irritability, rage and a huge feeling of blah.

I started taking Sertraline 3 years ago when I was particularly bad, had a young baby, 3 year old DC and really needed to snap out of it. It was amazing and I felt better after only a few days. I wanted to stop taking it after only a few months, but Covid hit so I delayed it due to the unknown. I tapered very slowly over the course of a year and came off Sertraline altogether at the beginning of this year.

In the last few months I’m back to snappy, irritable, losing it with my kids. I can’t pretend I didn’t have this whilst I was on the medication, but it wasn’t every day, and I had overwhelming moments of happiness and gratitude. I haven’t had that since the spring.

On paper my life is fine. Two DC, 6 and 3. Both challenging but nothing compared with what some people deal with. Stable (if dull) jobs for DH and me, decent pay, both full time but fairly flexible hours, bit of childcare help from family. Not flush but no money worries and could afford a nice holiday this summer. Lucky to both be in good health. Nice house in a nice area.

I have asked the doctor to rewrite my prescription. I feel like a fraud because I rarely cry, I’ve never once had a day off sick due to mood, I just get on with my day. I don’t lose my temper with colleagues. I function, I just don’t enjoy it. And am so irritable. My relationships with everybody I live with are suffering but I just don’t feel able to be happy with what others must be content with?

Ditto. I don't worry about it. Some people need insulin or blood thinners or whatever to feel well, I need SSRIs. So be it.

I’ve been on anti depressants for years and think I’ll be on them indefinitely. They saved my life. Put it this way, if you needed medication for a physical ailment would you use it? It’s the same thing. Do whatever you need to to be happy.

If you need them take them, do not suffer unnecessarily

Absolutely not - some of my favourite people need them as they don't produce enough. Don't give yourself shit for it x

You don’t need antidepressants to enjoy life, you need them to bring you to the same baseline of other people. It’s okay! And not your fault.

Thanks everyone. There is such a taboo and my aim was always to come off them. I thought running was doing the job but I was kidding myself, clearly, it’s not enough.

I have wondered if I have ADHD, more the hyperactivity traits typical with women like impulsively, interrupting, fidgeting etc. I was a bit of an outcast as a child and wonder if it was because I was extremely annoying.

I wonder if the medication helped that side of needing dopamine…

I've been on citalopram since 2005. Worked fine for me. Simply balances the chemicals in my brain.
Not feeling good recently. GP said it was probably time to change tablets. Now reducing dose over a period of 6 weeks, then will go on to fluoxetine. Feeling pretty rough at the moment but I know why. Things will improve again. No shame in it. If it improves quality of life, go for it. Why suffer when there's no need to? If I need them for the rest of my life (I'm 75) so be it.
Go for it, OP.

P.S. We need to shake off the taboo. I talk about my depression very openly.

There really shouldn't be a taboo. I've had to take ADs for many years. On them, I can function normally. Off them I can become unwell quite quickly. If you need them, take them.

I am probably going to have to take psychiatric tablets for the rest of my life. I certainly have no choice for the next 10+years if I want to keep custody of my children. If I think too deeply about what sort of person that makes me well I do feel like shit. But I literally have no choice, it's what is allowing me to live a happy, albeit not a typically successful life, but i am functioning really well and have my children and we are happy and healthy. The alternatives don't bare thinking about.

I too take a small dose of Citalopram to feel “normal”, without it I feel irritable, anxious and don’t have any umph.

It was my therapist who suggested I think about it and I’m glad she did. Do not feel guilty about it.

If you hypertension would you quibble about being on meds? Or diabetes? Or any host of medical conditions that require daily medication?

this is one of the reasons I am not particularly fond of the phrase ‘mental health conditions’. They are just health conditions and the sooner we stop segregating them out from the get go the better.

I’ve been taking sertraline for nearly a year and the GP wants me to try and come
off. No way. They’ve changed my life. I was exactly how you described. I’ve been on and off citalopram for 15 years but went on sertraline after I had my second baby.

I'm happier, the rage has gone, the anxiety has gone, the numb indifference to life and with them the self loathing all gone. I’m a better friend, wife and mother and i’m kinder to myself. I’m never coming off if I can help it!

OP I feel exactly the same. I'm not in an awful place but I feel so damn ratty, snappy and irrational when I'm not taking sertraline. I feel that I need the Sertraline just to help me feel more level headed and in control of my feelings.

Some people just seem to need an SSRI to get their neurotransmitters balanced properly, in order to maintain their mental health. No shame in that. SSRIs are fairly innocent in terms of side effects, so there's really nothing wrong with taking them long term if it helps you. If you really do have a touch of ADHD, and the antidepressants keep it from being a major problem, then so be it. There's not much point in making yourself suffer to keep "clean", if you can feel happier and more content with a fairly safe medication. As the others said, if you needed blood thinners, blood pressure medication or insulin, would you keep yourself from taking it for reasons similar to those you're describing in relation to the SSRIs?

I wish there wasn’t a taboo, it’s not something I broadcast to anyone. My sister is actually a therapist and suggested I shouldn’t stay on the medication too long term last time in case I became reliant!

But yes I have reached the point, again, where I think what is the point of suffering. I haven’t been sleeping well, which is unusual for me these days, and my skin is absolutely awful. I think it’s all stress linked - but I just feel guilty for being stressed. I don’t have money worries, work isn’t unduly stressful. I just find life stressful - tantrumming kids, constant bickering with husband, the drudgery of life.

Could have written your OP myself! In exactly the same situation as you. Only difference is I wish I’d of had the courage to speak to my GP a long time ago. Finally feel like the old me again.
If it’s working so be it.

Same as me. I stopped taking sertraline to ttc baby 2. I crumbled and started them again at 7 months pregnant due to the impact it was having on dp and ds3.

For me, sertraline makes life easier, brings me to a baseline which seems comparable to non depressed/anxious people I know. I still have low moments when there's an actual cause (been a tough year with job losses and illness), but I have joy now too, and often contentment :) I'll never choose to stop taking them again.

@Teacupjunkie I also had a horrendous school run yesterday, 3 year old screaming at me, passers by staring, cue screaming at passers by, sat down refusing to move…my 6 year old can be very challenging (in a different way) but thank goodness they turned into smug well behaved child in these scenarios otherwise I think I’d have cried. I nearly did cry when we finally got home.

Glad you and @Longroadahead08 are feeling better. The Sertraline worked for me almost instantly last time, I hope it’s the same this time. I started on 50mg last time but starting off with 25mg this time as I had been on lower doses long term when I was tapering and still felt good.

I've been on various anti-depressants since I was in my early 20's, I'm now in my 60's, and am still on them. In my 30's my marriage broke down, and I continued with the SSRIs, but then met a new man who didn't know much about mental health conditions and persuaded me to come off of them. Fortunately, when he saw the result was me fighting him so that I could go and throw myself in the river, he realised that this is not a condition where you can 'pull yourself together'. He now knows that it's a chemical imbalance in my body, which needs to be treated every day, much the same as if I had diabetes, only far easier to deal with, just by popping one pill every day. It keeps me on an even keel, and I am pretty sure that I will be on it until the day I die. Who cares though, I'm happy, and that's all that matters!

I've been on citalopram for 7 years now. Always been a very anxious person, lots of worrying and low mood. When I started antidepressants they worked like a miracle. Lately they haven't been doing the trick, so GP increased my dose and also suggested if that doesn't do enough then I try a different one, probably sertraline. And I will happily do so.

If I need antidepressants to function and get some enjoyment out of life, then so be it. Some people take medications for the rest of their lives for physical issues, I think it's ok to accept that some people need long term medications for mental issues too.

Thank you for this post.

I also think I have adhd (my mini-me DS is diagnosed) but not sure if I can handle the whole assessment etc.

When I look back at my life the only time I haven't felt 'not right' was when I was on Prozac. I just felt relaxed, energetic, able to concentrate. But otherwise I'm overly reactive to things, feel quite fidgety, on edge, a million racing thoughts.

I don't feel 'depressed' like I have in the past, just not quite right. When I went to the doctors last time they just referenced me for online cbt. It didn't really do anything as I know all that and I'm actually pretty positive and don't have negative thought patterns etc. I eat well, generally sleep fine and exercise regularly (if I don't I get very tearful and angry!).

I think I need to bite the bullet and make an appointment. I just wish I'd never stopped taking it as now it feels like an uphill struggle to get it again. But, like you, I thought I was now fine. Then it just all builds up until I'm not.

I disagree that it's taboo, and I think you're mistaken to be perpetuating that myth, even if it's only internally (and on Mumsnet).

It certainly used to be taboo, but according to MIND, approximately 1 in 4 adults in the UK will have mental health problems in any given year. It's far more talked about and understood these days, and most people wouldn't judge someone for taking anti-depressants. As PPs have said, you wouldn't judge someone for taking medication for a physical health condition, so why are you judging yourself for needing to take something to help with your mental health condition?

You clearly feel better when you're taking them, so give yourself a break - it's not unusual these days and it's certainly not taboo.

@Stopthebusplease me feeling like a fraud is because I’ve never been there, in the awful place you have. No suicidal thoughts, not even any days where I couldn’t get out of bed. Days where I wanted to not, obviously, but I’ve always been able to get up and do the bare minimum at least. I feel like I’m just a snappy, angry person instead of genuinely depressed.