To just cry myself to sleep tonight, after ASD DS's first day at school and police visit ;(

[Thedayfromhell]

I just had the worst day, and really need an outlet for all the emotions I'm feeling tbh. This will be long.

It was my DS's first day at reception (mainstream). He has been privately diagnosed with ASD at the beginning of this year, but we knew for a long time prior to the diagnosis. We were very open and honest with his new school about his needs and challenges, and actively approached them with all the information & reports from the paediatrician, ed psych, nursery, SALT etc.

We came to a mutual agreement that he needs to ease into it gently, so he only went in for 2h today, as it was his first day. Well according to my DP (son's dad), all hell broke loose when he went in to collect him. The SENCO was already waiting for him, and had a very unpleasant chat with him about our son's out of control behaviour (think throwing things out the window, constantly running around, hiding in a cupboard etc.) she openly admitted to shouting at him, and generally losing her composure. It felt very brutal from what DP said, and he was very sad about it too.

For context, I am well aware of how disruptive he can be, and it is a constant uphill struggle for us, every day. He is incredibly bright, excellent at maths, reading, incredible spelling, but his behaviour is so challenging that I cry every day and regret becoming a mother. We are in the process of getting an EHCP in place, and eventually a specialist school placement.

Just as I came back from work today, and we sat down to chat about this, his phone rang. It was the police, who said they received a call from that number from a distressed sounding child. What actually happened was that he managed to get hold of his father's phone and dial 999, then got caught and screamed in excitement. He's dialled it before, but we always stopped him in time. My DP calmly explained the situation, and apologised profusely. They said that because he screamed on the phone, they had a duty to attend. Which is fair enough and reassuring, but god almighty it was the last thing I needed today. They were really lovely about it, and one of the officers actually talked to us about his own autistic son, he understood our struggles. But the whole thing was just so soul-destroying. I know it's just standard protocol, but having them look in my fridge to check if we had food for him, asking to take a picture of his birth certificate, offering to put us in touch with SS... Oh and of course the school will be contacted as well :(

I feel completely crushed today. My little boy fell asleep in my arms tonight, so calm and beautiful, like nothing ever happened. But I can't stop crying. The future terrifies me.

I am so sorry. It must be exhausting. I hope you find some strength. I have no experience, but hope that you get support.

Thank you x

I guess there are things people could say about this or that, but, honestly, I just want to say how sorry I am that you're going through this. I hope he finds the right placement and you find some support so you can all have a brighter future together.

You’ve really been through the wringer, no wonder you’re so upset. I’m sorry I can’t offer any experience but just wanted to offer support and hope that people more knowledgeable than me will be along soon.

I have no direct personal experience of this, but my friends who have kids on the spectrum always dread NEW things. The start of school is a particular nightmare. Bit by bit, they find their rhythm though.

Today was a horrible day, but it sounds like the police handled it well. The school did not, but it sounds like you’re on the right lists for help. You’re doing the right things. Hang onto that, if you can.

I’m sorry I don’t have any experience but didn’t want to read and run either. It sounds like a horrible day and no wonder you have hit a wall. Much sympathy - I’m really sorry this is happening to you, you sound like a lovely person and parent 💐

I hope you are not being hard on yourself or taking this all on yourself / your family. It seems like the SENCO was not very professional? Were they perhaps inexperienced - it is a shame as perhaps if they had handled things better the issue with the police might not have been so upsetting. I mean it would still not be fun of course but they were as you say only following the protocol and it wasn’t that they really thought there was anything of concern.

It must be so stressful dealing with the bureaucracy of schools and healthcare assessments. I’m sure once you get to the right setting it will be better but it must be a long hard slog. You do sound overwhelmed - as anyone would be in your situation - and I wonder if you can get some support for yourself, eg speaking to the Gp?

You need to speak to people who understand and will support you and your darling DS. I don't know who they are, but surely the school can point you in the right direction, or your GP. Heartbroken for you xx

Oh OP :( Fellow ASD parent here.
I will say I don't like the Police behaviour. Looking in your fridge is not protocol at all unless there's existing suspicions of neglect. Neither is contacting school and/or suggesting contacting SS. They obviously believe you're not coping which is entirely the wrong approach.
Do you have and contact with CAMHS at all?

Focus on that sweetheart asleep in your arms. Not the stuff he did today. Maybe mainstream school isn’t the right setting for him? Or maybe this school isn’t? I mean how can anyone have a job as a senco when they think shouting at an ASD child will achieve anything other than escalating the situation? If this is what she’s like at the start of term I dread to think what she’ll be like in the depths of November when the stress is happening with no hols in sight.

FWIW my DSis had a meltdown and violently attacked two teachers (one was the head) on her first day at school 20+ years ago. It was the start of a long trail of destruction until she could finally be done with formal education at 16. She’s pretty stable in the civil service these days. Almost certainly ASD (my son also has it).

No contact with CAMHS as of yet. As for the police behaviour, it was an older male officer (the one with an autistic child) accompanied by a young female who did most of the questioning, checks etc. He seemed completely laid-back and repeatedly told her to dial it down, as it were. For example, she asked him "who is your favourite teacher", and the senior (I assume) officer pointed out "They already told us that it was only his first day today". So perhaps she was just an overzealous new recruit. I don't know what to think. I can't imagine there being any previous concern about my son's wellbeing. We're fighting tooth and nail to secure the best support for him.

I'm so sorry

Although it's devastating to experience I'd like to think that the police and SENCO involvement might actually be useful in getting you one step closer to the support he (and you) needs, and placement in the right school. Fingers crossed for a positive outcome of all this for you.

That does sound rough for one day! I have a relative with autism and things were full on at times but they did settle for stretches. My relative is now able to live by themselves and work (in a school of all places!)

I think most people like the idea of helping people with difficulties but the reality is quite different, especially if you have other kids to keep an eye on. But It’s a shame your senco lost it with him (and also with you). Two hours isn’t that long.

I hope he gets the idea of school soon and things calm down.

Sorry but the police behaviour was absolutely fine. They had a screaming child on the phone. Checking in the fridge to make sure the child isn't being neglected is literally the least they can do. Even though it's difficult when it's you on the other end, it could save a life if it was another child. Again with the contacting school and ss. If it turned out the parents were lying to the police and the child ended up hurt or even worse, the police would be in a lot of trouble and have to live with that forever. They have to safeguard the child and themselves, EVEN IF they don't necessarily believe anything is going on. Damned if you do damned if you don't I guess.

Sorry you are going through this OP. It may seem impossible right now but you will settle into life one day soon ❤

As the mum of a boy who is now 15 who had similar challenges you have my full empathy. Our lives changed for the better after years of trying to get him to fit into where we thought we should be to finding an environment that was right for him. He, and we, were often judged for his behaviour ( naughty boy with parents who don't care which was not the case). In the end we had to change a lot but he, and us are better for it. It was also amazing to see him around others like him.. as well as an assessment I would look out for local support groups that can help. Also, bearing in mind the Senco's job is to support families with children with SEN if she is not being supportive I would suggest meeting with the headteacher without your son present. I'm so sorry you are going through such a challenging time and can remember days like these myself. It does get easier as we shape and form a world around them that suits them. The hardest part was when we were still trying to live as though he could cope as a NT child

Just wanted to add I think the shouting SENCo really needs to be addressed.. shouting at a child ? Gosh

You sound understandably overwhelmed by what happened OP

When my godson was about 3 he pressed 999 on his dad's fax machine without anyone knowing. His dad was alone with him when two policemen turned up and were very suspicious and looked all around the house and he had to produce his birth certificate - not sure if they looked in their fridge though! My friend said it was really upsetting and he felt very uncomfortable. Guess they look at it as they are just doing their job, but it obviously feels very intrusive

@Thedayfromhell Facts are facts: you’ve had a no-good, very bad, terrible, horrible, awful day. I’m so sorry. You’re allowed to shed some (floods of) tears. Life can be unfair, and difficult, and sometimes it can absolutely hand you the very last thing you need. I’m sorry that’s what happened today.

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can; it’s only his first day of reception, you’re trying to get an EHCP, you’re trying to get him a spot in a specialist school. I don’t know what else people expect. You’re not a miracle worker - if you were, you’d wave a wand and make your DS’ life easier for him. And it sounds like, even if it is day 1, his new school have really let their side down. They shouted at him? They lost their composure? That’s really not acceptable. They had all the information, they knew he had autism, they knew he had special needs, and all the things you’re saying he does are not that outlandish at all; they’re making it sound as if he’s just a naughty child with out of control behavior. You’re allowed to feel exhausted by it, as you may often be alone trying to manage his behavior all day, but THEY had every opportunity to plan for this.

Tomorrow is a new day. Try not to connect today to it; I know it’s so very hard not to do that sometimes. The key is, if possible, not to live your life in the abject fear of always waiting for another day like today. You and your DS both deserve a fresh start. You’ll make it through tomorrow, you’ll get the EHCP, you’ll get a spot in a specialist school — it might not happen immediately, it might take some time, and to be honest, there may be some more days like today along the way. You do the best you can, and eventually, you’ll accomplish what you’re trying to accomplish. Good luck. It was a shite day, it’s not fair, but life sometimes isn’t. We get up tomorrow and try again.

We've also found over the years calming strategies for DS and calming spaces .. be hyper fixates on certain topics and we find allowing space to do that helps... also massive tea .. lots of carbs ( sugar etc spikes him) followed by gentle lighting and a calming program helps us all and to follow a very specific bedtime routine and order of doing things.. even down to how the bedding feels ( same laundry liquid etc)

@Thedayfromhell I’m so sorry, it sounds like he’s incredibly lucky to have you both fighting his corner, but it must be so difficult for you. It will get better💐

Thank you to all of you, the wonderful ladies of MN, for your lovely words. I am so worn out by it all at times. But you've brought on a (-nother) bout of tears, those of reassurance and solidarity xx

Your son is lucky to have you battling for him, you have made a lot of progress so far & it seems things are in the pipeline, remember that on days like this.

Raise your concerns with the school, make sure everything has been passed over to him teachers, hopefully he will settle down. If he does you have other options, but I can see how disappointing & frustrating it is. I hope you are getting some sleep.

Gosh what a horrible day for you all @Thedayfromhell I really feel for you.
I can only hope for two things for you at the moment, one is that today is a catalyst that will help you get much more help, and more rapidly; and that apart from any appointments you need to make and attend in the next few months, you try to take each day as it comes, so if you start thinking about the future - say even 1 year from now, you immediately try to think of something else, or find a routine way to take your mind off it. There are all sorts of things to help with this, they often cross over with other relaxation techniques.

But I do know that learning how to do this, and finding the time and space to do so, can be very hard. Hopefully your DP can help with this by giving you time - maybe even a routine time (at a frequency agreed between the 2 of you, and you can do the same for him) - that you can mostly depend on as being your time for recharging your batteries, and or doing something fun just for you, which would hopefully have the added benefit of helping you recharge your batteries, and of course, take your mind off what the future might hold.

I used to find it very helpful to keep a notebook and pen by my bed, so that if I couldn't get to sleep at night, or woke up in the night with my mind whirring, I would make notes of anything I considered important, and then I would look at it properly the next day. I obviously don't know what leisure activities you like to do, but if you could at least do one of them outside of your home environment, even once, or better still twice a week, that might prove a good help.

Some of my suggestions would be the usual ones: Yoga classes; swimming sessions; dancing of some sort; cycling; joining a rambling club - but that would probably work better if you could have some weekend time to yourself, and don't mind mixing with middle aged to older people - like me when I was still fit and well!! Also, if you and your DP could each give the other a whole morning lie in at least once a month, although twice a month each would be great, but you don't want to not be able to have one family day at least twice a month, but weekly should of course be even better...

I know from your first OP that your DP seems to be a hands on one that you can also communicate with well, but I obviously don't know your set up with working hours etc. or if you have any trusted family support near by, because if you have I hope that you and your DP can have a date night at least once a month?

You seem to have very understandably, had a little bit of a break down tonight OP, and it is not surprising if yesterday overwhelmed you, and maybe your DP as well. Unless we come from big families (I didn't, I came from a very small one) many of us these days get thrown into the deep end with barely a float to help us navigate parenthood, and absolutely no experience of NT babies and infants, nevermind ND ones. So I think that you must have already done an amazing job with your DS, you have got him and yourself to his reception age already, and with apparently both of you still reasonably intact - that is no mean feat believe me!

As I intimated before, I am very hopeful that after yesterday's one two hour session, that appeared to go disastrously, the school will back you up (hopefully voraciously) with your son's need for extra help, and with a specialist school if you and your DP decide that that is what will be best for your DS. When you do get the chance to make more decisions concerning your DS, you and your DP will hopefully be on the same page, and any decisions will be the right ones for your family - so follow your own guts, as you are the only one's who know your DS really well.
Good luck OP, I am thinking of you and trying to send you positive thoughts.

As has happened with me numerous times before OP, I started writing my answer when you had still only had one reply, and the ones that you have had since then have been excellent and much more useful to you than mine! I am so glad that you have had such good responses, and I am very glad that they have seemed to help you x

One thing I have learned is that whenever your child deviates from the norm, the system will never work fast enough to meet the child’s needs. It is incredibly frustrating and it makes everything so much more difficult than it needs to be. Things would go so much more smoothly if a proper school placement could be worked out by day one or if a 1:1 aide could be on place at the start. The child and family would have a positive experience which would set the child up for more successful days.

we live in an imperfect world and the truth is that everyone I have encountered had been doing their absolute best to get every child the help needed. So no one is at fault and no one is to blame. It’s not even always about funding. It just takes time to make it happen. Time that seems to move at the speed of molasses when you are advocating for your child.

I’m writing all of this to point out that your son will have better days. His teachers will figure out the right arrangement for him. Once they do, he may even have more good days then bad. I know it feels desperate now, but the right support will help. It’s just going to feel like forever while you are waiting to get there.

Oh Op, I remember those days. My two ASD sons are now 19 and 14. Transitions and new environments are particularly stressful on ASD kids. Your darling boy’s behaviour is the result of stress and anxiety. He may also have sensory processing issues which will exacerbate the situation further in a school setting. It was just overwhelming and exhausting for him 💔.
In the early days I had those feelings of regret. They WILL disappear. These may feel like the toughest days but the right support will make a world of difference.
You will gain the confidence and strength to be a fantastic advocate for his needs. And in time it will make you stronger.
When my now 19 year old was in kindergarten and clearly struggling (we had the diagnosis by then and not a day went by without him running around, throwing something… your classic fight or flight behaviour ), a lovely teacher’s assistant said something I never forgot: “Don’t worry, he’ll be fine and do well in college/university .”