To just cry myself to sleep tonight, after ASD DS's first day at school and police visit ;(

[Thedayfromhell]

I just had the worst day, and really need an outlet for all the emotions I'm feeling tbh. This will be long.

It was my DS's first day at reception (mainstream). He has been privately diagnosed with ASD at the beginning of this year, but we knew for a long time prior to the diagnosis. We were very open and honest with his new school about his needs and challenges, and actively approached them with all the information & reports from the paediatrician, ed psych, nursery, SALT etc.

We came to a mutual agreement that he needs to ease into it gently, so he only went in for 2h today, as it was his first day. Well according to my DP (son's dad), all hell broke loose when he went in to collect him. The SENCO was already waiting for him, and had a very unpleasant chat with him about our son's out of control behaviour (think throwing things out the window, constantly running around, hiding in a cupboard etc.) she openly admitted to shouting at him, and generally losing her composure. It felt very brutal from what DP said, and he was very sad about it too.

For context, I am well aware of how disruptive he can be, and it is a constant uphill struggle for us, every day. He is incredibly bright, excellent at maths, reading, incredible spelling, but his behaviour is so challenging that I cry every day and regret becoming a mother. We are in the process of getting an EHCP in place, and eventually a specialist school placement.

Just as I came back from work today, and we sat down to chat about this, his phone rang. It was the police, who said they received a call from that number from a distressed sounding child. What actually happened was that he managed to get hold of his father's phone and dial 999, then got caught and screamed in excitement. He's dialled it before, but we always stopped him in time. My DP calmly explained the situation, and apologised profusely. They said that because he screamed on the phone, they had a duty to attend. Which is fair enough and reassuring, but god almighty it was the last thing I needed today. They were really lovely about it, and one of the officers actually talked to us about his own autistic son, he understood our struggles. But the whole thing was just so soul-destroying. I know it's just standard protocol, but having them look in my fridge to check if we had food for him, asking to take a picture of his birth certificate, offering to put us in touch with SS... Oh and of course the school will be contacted as well :(

I feel completely crushed today. My little boy fell asleep in my arms tonight, so calm and beautiful, like nothing ever happened. But I can't stop crying. The future terrifies me.

keep sending him to school, it will speed the ehcp along. Sadly in the U.K. these things often need to hit crisis before strategies and paperwork are put in place.

The police are just following process, they see all sorts in their job.

That SENCO sounds like an unprofessional horror.

I would request a meeting as soon as possible in which I would ask for her credentials, her level of experience, and to explain to you what part of the detailed information you shared with the school was not clear to her.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I don't live in the UK. I was at work and got a phonecall from the nanny that there were 8 police officers outside our apartment! My. 4 year old had called the police and said " Fred is hitting me. He is hurting me. Come and take him away" and there was lots of crying in the background. His 2 year old brother had hit him.

So then the police had to go into the flat and to make sure the nanny wasn't abusing the kids ! I was mortified . So it happens.

Sorry its been altogether a bit shit today and hopefully it'll be on the up.
Is it worth with the offer to refer for social services help to see if you can be added to the Children's disability social workers case list? Might save years of waiting and they are in a better position to get all the help and support needed in place?

Just wanted to send love and solidarity. I have an 8 year old who has ADHD and other challenges.

I will be thinking of you today 💐💐💐

Terrible behaviour by SENCO I’m sorry. Openly shouting? I’m afraid while you wait for a specialist place I think the best thing might be to home school or you’ll be having to undo.a lot of damage.

I hope you've managed a few hours sleep.

Maybe some of the wise previous posters could advise if 'There She Goes' with Jessica Haynes and Neil Tennant would be an appropriate watch.
Behind closed doors there are many amazing families stretched by what life has thrown at them.

I have only read your OP and not any other comments so appologies if im repeating what someone else has said.
If its possible at all OP, try to get the wheels in motion for a transfer to an ASN school. I've been a teacher in a school for children with autism for 6 years, and hiding in cupboards and throwing things out if windows would be absolutely nothing for us to deal with. I've had kids smash windows and chuck full desks at me and still managed to keep my composure so I'm not sure what the staff at the school are playing at tbh shouting at him on his first day when they are aware of his issues. There's a way to deal with outbursts, and more often than not shouting just escalates the behaviour. If he was in a setting where the staff had proper training and the lessons were adapted to suit him and not the other way around, I'm sure he would thrive. I've had kids who only managed a couple of hours in mainstream per week, if at all, join my class and be in full time after a few days. I'm not sure how things work where you live, but here things only happen for the parents who shout the loudest. You might need to make yourself unpopular with the school by just being on them all the time, and I know it's extreme, but if you want something done here you get your local Councillor or MP involved and you're in with a pretty good shot!

What great advice @Daisychainsx ! OP I just wanted to offer my sympathy and add to the chorus that your little guy shouldn't have been treated that way by the SENCO and needs a far more suitable placement. The system is letting you down. I hope that changes soon x

The behaviour of the second was appalling. Completely unprofessional.

"For context, I am well aware of how disruptive he can be, and it is a constant uphill struggle for us, every day. He is incredibly bright, excellent at maths, reading, incredible spelling, but his behaviour is so challenging that I cry every day and regret becoming a mother. We are in the process of getting an EHCP in place, and eventually a specialist school placement."

@Thedayfromhell if it's any use, while it doesn't feel like it now, the more disruptive he is, the more likely you'll achieve this.

DD1 was so disruptive in preschool, even with 1:1 support. She got a special school place for year R. DD2 was passive and compliant. She got her special school place last week, in year 11. It took 10 school years of struggling for her needs to be recognised and only then when she finally stopped being compliant and refused to go to school because it was all too much.

The extra challenge you have is that your DS is bright. That will rule out most state special schools because they will have a learning disability profile. He won't have a peer group if he's academically able. So he's likely to need an independent sector specialist provision, or state mainstream plus support.

Sadly, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, so although it's heartbreaking, keep detailed notes of every time you get a call, get a bad report of the day, etc.

Oh OP, this sounds awful and I am sure it was a horrible day! I hope you get the support you need. I agree with people about the SENCO though. I would complain, it is absolutely not ok for her to lose it and shout. Your son deserves better.

I couldn't just read this and run - I went through something similar when my own son started school.

ASD and learning difficulties - and very young. He threw things, lashed out randomly, and BIT. Two occasions when I got phonecalls to come and 'remove' him. Even the sound of the phone made me want to vomit after a while.

The school staff visibly sneered at me, and the other parents hated us. Never felt so alone. Didn't have a supportive DH like you, his mother was also very unpleasant to me and called my son a 'spoiled brat'.

I cried and cried, there were nights when I did not sleep at all for worry.

Fast forward 11 years - my son is the gentlest boy who would not harm anyone, he has no behavioural issues at all in school. And I'm separated from his waste of space of a father.

Hang in there OP - this is commoner than you think. Does your son have one to one, sounds like he may need it for a while. My boy was taken out of the busy classroom by his LSA and for little walks outside and this helped. Sounds like he is overwhelmed. Can you get some advice from an autism charity? They can be very helpful.

The police visit sounds OTT, but I'm sure they were just doing their job.

Feel for you, OP - does sound the worst day from hell. 💐

Just wanted to send you a big hug. I have children who are autistic. One went through mainstream primary until secondary (local secondary was hugely unhelpful despite ehcp so we are at a specialist school).

My youngest did a year in mainstream and on the first day I begged to stay to settle her in, they said no and I got a call an hour later to say she’d stripped off naked and hidden in a cupboard under a load of blankets. She now attends a specialist school where they treat her so much better (mainstream school wasn’t right but they treated her appallingly)

It’s not easy. Some days are better than others. Today is a new day.

I would say do not watch “There she goes” with David Tennant. I watched it and it made me feel incredibly sad.

Parent of an autistic (adult) son.

senco does not sound good & sounds like they need a way to find 1:1 prior to the EHCP (which is INCREDIBLY difficult for schools at the moment as TAs are hard to recruit & hard to afford - thank you govt - but that’s not your son’s fault).

The advantage of your son causing merry hell at school rather than holding it in until he gets home, is that he is more likely to get the support he needs in school.

SS may be worth contacting. They prob won’t have anything much to offer themselves as it sounds as if he wouldn’t qualify for the children with disabilities team - snd general children’s teams tend to only work around child protection - but they may be able to signpost you to out of school clubs/organisations etc which may become helpful over the next few years.

I have been in your shoes. It is hideous. Do you have any other parents with children with asd as support? Try and meet some if u can it will ease the loneliness. Focus on the specialist school. Having him somewhere where you know he is safe and valued will make a big difference.

Fellow ASD parent here too. Ds is 12 now but we had a few days like that when he was in early few years of school. We had all the 'naughty boy / crap parents', vilified at the gates, eye rolling teachers, reduced timetable, exclusions etc. I have never felt shitter in my entire life.

As soon as he was removed from a mainstream environment where all the expectations are that 'we're inclusive, but only really as long as you conform and blend in' were removed. He flourished. He has attended an autism school for many years after having a year at home having therapy to help him overcome what the dreadful teachers in mainstream did to him. Now he's happy, thriving, has friends, has sat exams, never does anything that requires a phone call or discussion. And I feel like a pretty good parent again.

Your child is responding to the environment and the people around him. And if a Senco can't support a sen child for 2 hours without shouting at them......sounds like a very poor choice of role and poor school.

We are in the process of getting an EHCP in place, and eventually a specialist school placement.

Where are you in this process?

Sorry not had time to read all the comments but just wanted to say my son also has asd and we’ve had the police coming round where he’s dialled 999 in a meltdown too, although they didn’t look in the fridge, yours sounds over zealous. Senco sounds awful and totally unprepared, try and get your ehcp and get out of mainstream asap

Show me a parent who wouldn’t shout at a child who is running riot, throwing through windows and hiding in cupboards! The school was probably shell shocked at that level of disruption, there may well have been 29 other new Reception children distressed at witnessing this going on and staff trying to contain the behaviour.
OP, it’s vitally important that you and the school work together for the benefit of your child. The Senco admitted she shouted at your DS, so she’s not trying to cover up her actions - she’s most likely feeling awful about it too.
I’m actually surprised he doesn’t already have an EHCP in place if he was already in a childcare setting and has seen other professionals. this is going to be a long journey - it takes at least 6 months to get an EHCP, so make sure the school get the ball rolling now. If they don’t, you can start the process yourself, just contact the SEN team at your LEA. If you have medical reports and letters, take them in for the SEnco to have copies, that will save time for her chasing up reports from various different agencies.
I would also suggest you DO speak to SS. They can be extremely supportive and advocate for your DS in the future. For example, if school attempt to exclude him, a feisty social worker can be worth their weight in gold fighting his corner!

So sorry about your child's first day at school. My own autistic DD is now an adult, but I still remember some really challenging school days (but not all!). What helped was to find some mums with children with similar issues and support each other, we arr still friends now when all our DC are leaving school. Hope things get better today for you all.

The first few days are often the worst.

He'll settle or get a recommendation for a SN school suitable for his needs.

I wish you could see my DS today, he is 7. I'd a horrible first 3 years his cries scream kick, he was never bold just frustrated and overwhelming sensory issues, he is brilliant now.

His primary school are amazing, some days he'd have 10 reward stickers leaving school.

He is an intelligent young boy with a passion for learning, he still has wobbles and awful anxiety but it is manageable.

Hang in there.

I really don't understand why some schools treat situations like this, almost telling you off for your child's behaviour when you weren't even present to do any thing about it. I can't believe the SENCO has any training in additional needs. If she has, she needs a refresher course or to hand the job on to someone with more patience and understanding.

@Daisychainsx advice sounds brilliant. You may have to fight for it initially but it will save you so much stress in the long term. Meanwhile I wonder if your son would benefit from running around the park first before school or at least walking the long way round to school? I know it would be very early but it might help calm him. Looking back I think my son may have mild ADHD and exercising helped him to focus when he had to sit down. When I helped out in a school I was surprised at how little they used this with the livelier children who struggled to focus.

I don’t have an experience of this personal but there is a little boy in my child’s classroom and he behaved like that at first. Now they’re 8, my daughter adores him they and she says to me you know he cannot help it if he is naughty because he has autism. He does some separate classes from them and he has really settled over the year. Try not to worry too much about 1 day. I would feel the same though x