To just cry myself to sleep tonight, after ASD DS's first day at school and police visit ;(

[Thedayfromhell]

I just had the worst day, and really need an outlet for all the emotions I'm feeling tbh. This will be long.

It was my DS's first day at reception (mainstream). He has been privately diagnosed with ASD at the beginning of this year, but we knew for a long time prior to the diagnosis. We were very open and honest with his new school about his needs and challenges, and actively approached them with all the information & reports from the paediatrician, ed psych, nursery, SALT etc.

We came to a mutual agreement that he needs to ease into it gently, so he only went in for 2h today, as it was his first day. Well according to my DP (son's dad), all hell broke loose when he went in to collect him. The SENCO was already waiting for him, and had a very unpleasant chat with him about our son's out of control behaviour (think throwing things out the window, constantly running around, hiding in a cupboard etc.) she openly admitted to shouting at him, and generally losing her composure. It felt very brutal from what DP said, and he was very sad about it too.

For context, I am well aware of how disruptive he can be, and it is a constant uphill struggle for us, every day. He is incredibly bright, excellent at maths, reading, incredible spelling, but his behaviour is so challenging that I cry every day and regret becoming a mother. We are in the process of getting an EHCP in place, and eventually a specialist school placement.

Just as I came back from work today, and we sat down to chat about this, his phone rang. It was the police, who said they received a call from that number from a distressed sounding child. What actually happened was that he managed to get hold of his father's phone and dial 999, then got caught and screamed in excitement. He's dialled it before, but we always stopped him in time. My DP calmly explained the situation, and apologised profusely. They said that because he screamed on the phone, they had a duty to attend. Which is fair enough and reassuring, but god almighty it was the last thing I needed today. They were really lovely about it, and one of the officers actually talked to us about his own autistic son, he understood our struggles. But the whole thing was just so soul-destroying. I know it's just standard protocol, but having them look in my fridge to check if we had food for him, asking to take a picture of his birth certificate, offering to put us in touch with SS... Oh and of course the school will be contacted as well :(

I feel completely crushed today. My little boy fell asleep in my arms tonight, so calm and beautiful, like nothing ever happened. But I can't stop crying. The future terrifies me.

I just wanted to share my story about ds dialling 999. He’d not long started pulling himself up and cruising and I hadn’t cleared away everything he could reach. First I new was 2 police officers on my doorstep saying they had a 999 call and all they could hear was laboured breathing. I was panicked and in a total flap. They checked all the rooms and the garden while I apologised and promised I hadn’t knocked anyone unconscious.

for weeks I was convinced that we’d be on some 999 time wasters list. But it passed. I believe the police that they’re always happy when it’s not someone needing help.

Your poor boy, this sounds like a really stressful situation for all of you and I'm so sorry the SENCo wasn't able to be any use. I cannot stress enough how important the right setting is. Is there an inclusion officer at your school?

My eldest son was shouted at by a teacher, a TA AND a SN assistant on his first day for holding a boy down by the face but the shouting ONLY happened to keep the other boy safe. (DS has ASD and couldn't cope with the noise of class/new experience of being in school, his response was to reach out, grab and hold on).

I was called in and we all sat down and thrashed out an ISP (Inclusion Support Plan) which outlined when he would be with other children, the methods I knew worked to calm him down at home, how he would be removed to another area in times of stress and how much extra support the school would be able to provide in the immediate short term etc.
It took a few weeks for everyone to settle into a place of understanding his needs and responses to stress but when that happened he became a thoroughly devoted student and loved going to school.

However there was a period at first where I felt as hopeless as you, his first few weeks included lashing out at teachers, swearing, screeching, throwing and constantly being removed from class.

We have been referred to SS so often that I expected it to be them every time the door or phone went for a good 18 months (honestly referrals were fortnightly for a period of a few months) The sense of failure/shame/guilt does dissipate after a while as you accept that your parenting journey is different to others but not rare.

OP chase that EHCP. Ring your regional 0-25 SEND every day if you have to. I would definitely ring today and explain what happened with the SENCO. It's crap but you really do have to push push push for anything when you have a child with "hidden" disabilities.

As for the crying yourself to sleep. I understand completely. Just this Thursday my daughter (7, ASD, GDD to around 18 months)was screaming, hitting (herself), crying, not wanting me in the room then getting up to get me back in the room. It was 11pm, she'd been up since 5am. My husband had to be up at 5 and elder two daughters (11 & 13) had to be up at 7 so I didn't want to open any bedroom doors in case she woke them. In the end I laid on the landing and just cried until she fell asleep at 3am. Then I was up at 5am to start a new day. It's truely shit sometimes.

Another one here for the 'amazing mum' camp. What a day for you. If you can, look back at it and then at the messages here and yourself. I too would have some concerns around the SENCO response, yes we are all human but one day in and if this is too much for them to handle (agree with others, this is going to come up in this job), perhaps they need to think about the impact it's clearly having on them and how they might work WITH your DS, yourselves and others. Good, practical support involves plotting a way forward, thinking about what is and isn't viable and looking at ways of working through this, NOT losing it and venting at you. It's hard work with SEN children, we know this, sometimes more so, but you have been open about this, you have shared the relevant information and now the goalposts are being moved.
I hope you get the support you need and deserve, new day and hopefully a better one.

Poor you. I’ve been there with an almost identical experience and during those short introductory sessions it felt like he’d never settle down. ASD children vary so much in their presentations but one thing they almost all share is a dislike of change . In our case he settled down once he was allowed to do a full day and we’ve enjoyed a long period of drama free school days. He plays me up merry hell when he gets home and I’ve learnt to mitigate this with just giving him quiet space or allowing him to sensory seek in the ways he likes which sadly involves my body and I get nothing done for two hours while he squishes and rubs my belly and arms . During summer hols he got very aggressive and difficult to manage and now he’s back at school life feels good again. I think you need to do everything you can to work with that SENCO for a while and hope that , like us he settles soon. If that’s not happened after a term then you may need to consider your options and seek advice from the LA about an alternative placement. Please don’t be sad or lose hope, they all have the potential to succeed and be happy it’s just about finding the right support and environment for them. We got lucky , he’s loving his school now, you might find the same , you might have to try again but you’ll get there .

I think the system is disgraceful and I'm so sorry your son and your family are having to go through this.

He has to harm himself or others to prove he needs to attend a specialist setting, must be horribly traumatic for you all. The conclusion is inevitable but you have to go through a trial first because there's no better way.

I'm so sorry. Just remember every stress you feel to push it outwards rather than internalise it. I'm glad the police are able to escalate it for you. Keep escalating and you will get there. You're doing all the right things and he'll find the right setting I'm just so sorry you all need to traumatise yourselves first.

I’m so sorry to read this OP 💐 you are doing brilliantly considering everything and how you feel is completely understandable.

I’m just waiting for a ASC diagnosis for DS. I can share hopefully what I would do in this shit-u-ation with the bloomin school (my main concern as well as others);

Email the headteacher, ask for a meeting with all teachers involved in your DS’ care with in school. ASAP, it may be the case that you remove DS from further school attendance until this is sorted.
Of course he acted out yesterday, the expectation on him from the teacher was way too much and he obviously became overwhelmed. They need to realise that he struggles to regulate and put things in place to help.
They need to have put ELSA support in place for him (have you seen any evidence of this) and they also need to be helping you with the EHCP. Local authorities pay much more attention to schools than parents, even with SENDIASS involvement.

That said, as a pp has already eluded to. Get in touch with SENDIASS if you haven’t already. It’s not ok how the teacher was with your DS yesterday. Not ok at all! They are good in that the school have to listen to them, they arguably have more sway than CAMHS in that respect.

I really hope that you can get something sorted for him very soon to help him. The poor little love. Sending you hugs and every best wish for the future.

That sounds like a really challenging day for all involved. No wonder you’re emotional. It’s tough.

My daughter was privately diagnosed with ASD when she was 12, but, like you, we’d known for a long time. Sometimes it feels like such a struggle and like no one understands just how draining it is. So many times I’ve thought that I’m just not cut out for this!

I’m a secondary school teacher and I’ve always held on to the hope that it must get better, as so many of my neurodivergent pupils are doing great.

One boy in my class (he’s 15) is a real character. He’s funny, witty, full of energy and comes to class with so much enthusiasm. At primary he was wild - he’d throw things and try to climb out of the windows. On more than one occasion they had to evacuate the rest of the class for their safety. His mainstream primary school was so worried how he’d cope in secondary. He has been a dream!

Hold on to that hope. It’ll all work out in the end.

My son has Autism and Cerebral Palsy. When he started school we would get calls from the school saying that he was hitting other children and drawing on their backs with marker. He also soiled his pants frequently and wet his pants. We had him in special diapers. Away from school he was fine, with the exception of soiled and wet pants. We travelled with him overseas a few times on holiday and that seemed to work out ok. He is now just turned 18. The soiling and wetting has stopped and he is much more happy and calmer. His dress sense is terrible but behaviour is good. He said tonight that he wants to go to University. Not sure if he will have the credits but we will try to get him admitted. He wants to take History. He seems to be very good at History. We shall see. The children with these disabilities change for the better in time so I hope there is a rainbow for your son further down the track.

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine how challenging it is, but you sound to be doing all you can to help him and also are incredibly understanding and positive about it.

I hope the outreach services can offer you better support.

I know a SENCO who had to give the role up as it broke her. Constant fighting for "her" kids. Never in a million years could I imagine her losing her cool with a young child in less than 2 hrs. If you don't actually have some empathy and care for the welfare of children why on earth would you do the job, or maybe it is all so terrible in education that the only ones who can survive are the ones who don't give a shit.

Where are you with the EHCP? There are strict, legally binding timeframes that the local authority must adhere to. Ipsea has some good information. It's completely understandable that you feel overwhelmed but I would really recommend reading up about the law and SEN (2014 Children and Families Act). Knowledge really is power.
Some basic info here on EHCP timeframes:

www.ipsea.org.uk/ehc-needs-assessments

It may work out at his school once proper support is put in place but it wouldn't do any harm to take a look around to see what other settings can offer. With an EHCP, you don't have to restrict yourself to schools in your local authority.

I have been in your shoes, OP. My DS now has an EHCP and is in a specialist provision attached to a secondary mainstream and is doing much better than I could ever have hoped for. We all have 'dark days' when we wish things were different/better - and it sounds like you're having an incredibly tough time at the moment.

I usually post on the SEN boards. If you have specific questions/queries, it can be a good source of help and support.

Or course it's early days for you and your DS but I would also say that schools must offer DC full time from day one. It doesn't matter if they say they 'can't cope' with their needs/behaviour. They have to - even if it means putting in additional resources.

We have been there and it was truly awful. The good news is with the right help my ds is now thriving in mainstream school and expected to do well in his exams. When he started to school I would've never believed it was possible. Hang on in there

You sound an absolutely amazing mum.
The police officer was just checking the fridge etc so he can complete a full report saying everything is absolutely fine so no one goes back to check if anything was missed out/he can reassure it’s all good. That’s good that they check these things out.
See the police and SS referral as positive, the more agencies and exports generated the more likely you are to get funding for the special school place and 1to1 and if you need it respite care. If you’re hoping to send him to a special school soon, then if this school doesn’t work out or he only manages an hour a day until then then that’s ok too, whatever gets you all through.

Whilst I was at work My DS 6 at the time dialled 999 and told them he had lost his red snooker ball, poor dh had the police knocking on the door and checking out the house, asking where I was etc. I'm sorry for all that your going through, but I wanted to reassure you that not everything is a result of his ASD, sometimes it is simply because he is a typical child being a little sod ; )

🍰🍷 Tomorrow is another day. Maybe school can help push for assessment for your son. ADHD? I have had a son like yours. I never thought he would get through school without being thrown out but he did. I worried he would not get a job but he has. I worried if he could have a relationship where he did not drive his partner nuts but he does. It is tough but you will both come through it together.

I'm so sorry. It all sounds so hard for you and your partner.

You'll need some positive resources next.

Link in with the Facebook groups for SEN, EHCP, and getting the right help.

Read through IPSEA online help. They are brilliant and will
Point you in the right direction for applying and understanding your legal rights.

You need a good SENCO. Once you've had a chance to recover it might be good to visit schools in the area and meet the senco at the schools.

You will be able to secure what you need for your son. And he will thrive. You sound like a lovely caring and proactive parent. He's lucky to have you as his mum.

Didn't want to read and run - no advice to give. But wanted to say hang in there. There will be better days than this.

I should add for context that our first week in reception was a train wreck. My child was given a heavy bat to play ball in a group (think wooden base ball bat) and they pretended to be a helicopter. Ended up injuring other children who had to be seen in hospital .

I will never forget that the first week.

I am so sorry you had a bad day. The one thing that stood out to me from your post though….the Senco shouted at your son? On his first day in school? When he is around 4/5 years old? When she knew he had special needs??? What the fuck. I would make a complaint to the school about her. So so inappropriate.

@00deed1988 He would be trying so hard to be 'good' all day like a bottle being shaken up and the moment he walked in the door, he would explode.

This is such a brilliant analogy, I'd not heard it before. I view mine as tiring himself out by being in control all day and not having the energy to maintain it at home, but yours fits how he was between ages 5-8 so well.

Mine is now in a specialist school, thanks to the efforts of his mainstream primary who could not have done more for him. It means a taxi ride to and from school that he uses to de-stress.

OP there really is hope, as you can see from this thread most of us have been in your shoes. Cry in your bed if it helps, but reassure yourself you're dealing with more than most and you're doing well.

There is help out there, you just have to find it, SS were brilliant at directing me to support and once his mainstream school had a plan of action, they were able to support us through his whole diagnosis and his EHCP was very detailed as a result.

I was trying to post last night by my eldest was given sweets by Daddy and couldn’t sleep. We were dancing in the living room to get the jitters out of her legs so she could sleep.

Ive been in your shoes. It sucks. You need to get that specialist placement where they can give your child the tools needed to navigate a mainstream classroom. The staff in charge of special needs sounds unprofessional, which we all know isn’t ideal. What I found effective was having police reports which I presented to the school district. I was in the US and our chief of police wrote a report detailing the incident and what they expected to be done for the safety of the child and the community. That letter was gold and I got the support needed in a day when I went to the county after the school turned me away.

I would ask the police officer whose son has ASD to give you a copy of the incident report. When they visit a home they will have to write something up for record keeping so it’s nothing beyond what they already have to do anyway. Social services, the world over, do not have the resources to support the disabled. Quite frankly it’s not their job either. Get hold of your LEA and hold them accountable. The local autism group in your area will have people who have been through this with the LEA and can help guide you. I hired a lawyer in the end because my child was assaulted by staff. As soon as the lawyer showed up all hell broke loose and I don’t recommend going down that road unless you really have to.

Know you are on a path that some of us are on. Your child has a problem that needs to be addressed. Speech and occupational therapy have been very helpful. The social thinking curriculum is great. You need to read the ASD Bible which is the explosive child by Dr Ross Greene. I got copies for everyone in the family and the audio book for them to listen to. If special needs staff at school haven’t read it, they are not qualified to be responsible for my children.

Ahh mine is 21 now and I remember the first day in reception mainstream. They sent him home as he soiled himself and was physically sick with anxiety even though I explained it wouldn't change if the outcome was he hot to go home. It was outright one of my worst days ever. It will get better I promise if he is bright as you say he will be high functioning. Mine has just left driving his car to hos part time job that he loves. Ite been an incredibly hard journey and still is but it's got better and easier. It will be okay just keep going thats all anyone can do.