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AIBU?

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Original poster

To just cry myself to sleep tonight, after ASD DS's first day at school and police visit ;(

153 replies

Thedayfromhell · 13/09/2022 01:23

I just had the worst day, and really need an outlet for all the emotions I'm feeling tbh. This will be long.

It was my DS's first day at reception (mainstream). He has been privately diagnosed with ASD at the beginning of this year, but we knew for a long time prior to the diagnosis. We were very open and honest with his new school about his needs and challenges, and actively approached them with all the information & reports from the paediatrician, ed psych, nursery, SALT etc.

We came to a mutual agreement that he needs to ease into it gently, so he only went in for 2h today, as it was his first day. Well according to my DP (son's dad), all hell broke loose when he went in to collect him. The SENCO was already waiting for him, and had a very unpleasant chat with him about our son's out of control behaviour (think throwing things out the window, constantly running around, hiding in a cupboard etc.) she openly admitted to shouting at him, and generally losing her composure. It felt very brutal from what DP said, and he was very sad about it too.

For context, I am well aware of how disruptive he can be, and it is a constant uphill struggle for us, every day. He is incredibly bright, excellent at maths, reading, incredible spelling, but his behaviour is so challenging that I cry every day and regret becoming a mother. We are in the process of getting an EHCP in place, and eventually a specialist school placement.

Just as I came back from work today, and we sat down to chat about this, his phone rang. It was the police, who said they received a call from that number from a distressed sounding child. What actually happened was that he managed to get hold of his father's phone and dial 999, then got caught and screamed in excitement. He's dialled it before, but we always stopped him in time. My DP calmly explained the situation, and apologised profusely. They said that because he screamed on the phone, they had a duty to attend. Which is fair enough and reassuring, but god almighty it was the last thing I needed today. They were really lovely about it, and one of the officers actually talked to us about his own autistic son, he understood our struggles. But the whole thing was just so soul-destroying. I know it's just standard protocol, but having them look in my fridge to check if we had food for him, asking to take a picture of his birth certificate, offering to put us in touch with SS... Oh and of course the school will be contacted as well :(

I feel completely crushed today. My little boy fell asleep in my arms tonight, so calm and beautiful, like nothing ever happened. But I can't stop crying. The future terrifies me.

OP posts:
Carryonstressing · 13/09/2022 07:54

I work in children's services. We always receive a notification from the police if they are called out like this. Our call to family would be more "Are you all Ok?" than critical. We might mention SENDIASS for support with EHCP, parent carer forum for support for you, local groups who provide training in behaviour for children with autism. We can talk about role of Targeted Disability social workers. If there's no other concerns we wouldn't talk about your fridge.

Jane74656 · 13/09/2022 07:54

It was the kid's first day - she had no right to shout. The end. I have plenty of bad days at work and am at wits end, but I don't shout at clients however demanding they are. Comes with signing up doing the job. They should be pulled up on it.

We had counsel involvement (the early years team) - OP if not already involved, would be worth approaching them. They really fought for my kid and took on the school. The school knows that they are under the microscope and they behave accordingly.

Acreativeusername · 13/09/2022 07:58

Get an ehcp if you don’t ha e one.
save yourself more heartache by changing schools now…. To some where that understands him
contact parental minds for regular help support advice regarding anything sen
join special needs jungle

autienotnaughty · 13/09/2022 08:10

The school sounds dreadful and they should not be shouting at him. I wouldn't send him back unless you are confident they can manage. Police must have been horrible but so good they are on it, for other children who need it.

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 13/09/2022 08:12

So sorry your LO had such a bad day OP. I have to say it sounds like you might need to think seriously about whether this is the right place for him. If his SENCO and the school thinks it's at all ok to shout at him on his first day ever then I'd be highly doubtful they will ever really be able to meet his needs especially when they've only had 2 hours with him. I'd at the very least be hitting the roof with them, looking for an alternative school and considering deeply whether him remaining there even short term is going to do more harm than good. You're obviously a dedicated and consciencious mummy. I'm sure you'll reach a good solution xx

Mumspair1 · 13/09/2022 08:14

I would consider another school. They don't sound like they can cope and wouldn't tolerate him as probably to them he's already a 'bad' child. I'm so sorry, what a tough day op. Your poor ds, did you send him in today? Flowers

Notthecarwashagain · 13/09/2022 08:16

Flowers Poor you, what an awful day!
I get it completely. My son (now 15) was absolutely wild in his first couple of years at school. Dreaded the pick up and the “quick word” every day.

A lot of teachers, despite ASD training, somehow don’t really understand autism when autistic behaviour is happening!
I was once shouted at by my son’s teacher that he “ needs to learn how to speak to people!” Well yes, but he’s 5 and has a communication difficulty, so we were working on it!

. In your position, if you’re happy to do so, I’d look at getting an autism specialist school written in your sons EHCP. It will make all the difference long term having teachers who can manage behaviour appropriately to his needs (imo!)

If you don’t already have an early help referral, that could be useful too.

I hope today is a better day.

ancientgran · 13/09/2022 08:17

doubleshotcappuccino · 13/09/2022 02:49

Just wanted to add I think the shouting SENCo really needs to be addressed.. shouting at a child ? Gosh

That was the bit that alarmed me. A child with ASD being a handful isn't a surprise but the teacher who chooses the role of SENCO and has training should not be losing it in the first 2 hrs he's in school.

Notthecarwashagain · 13/09/2022 08:18

Omgosh I’m so sorry, I missed the bit where you were trying to get a specialist school. I just read that you were applying for an ehcp. So sorry!

CaptainMyCaptain · 13/09/2022 08:20

ancientgran · 13/09/2022 08:17

That was the bit that alarmed me. A child with ASD being a handful isn't a surprise but the teacher who chooses the role of SENCO and has training should not be losing it in the first 2 hrs he's in school.

Show quote history

In my experience the SENCO has had more training in paperwork and very little in dealing with actual children. I would be happy to learn that this isn't the case in other schools.

SteakExpectations · 13/09/2022 08:21

It sounds like you had a really stressful day, and DS would have been so over stimulated with the new environment, it should have been expected by staff that he would have been performing sensory seeking behaviour to try to regulate.

Having an autistic child in mainstream can be hard. In my experience, so many school staff do not understand autism or ADHD and even when they claim that they do, they lack the compassion that these children deserve.

Unfortunately, you need the school to say that they can’t meet your son’s needs before alternative placements can be applied for. I would urge you to contact what used to be Parent Partnership (I think now IASS?) to find out what school legally should be doing. They can help with ECHP application and also can attend meetings with you if it gets to that stage.

Kenwouldmixitup · 13/09/2022 08:23

this is where MN is public service. A really challenging day and poster can reach out and receive support. The kindness of strangers. 🌹💙

ChronicOverthinkr · 13/09/2022 08:23

I have no experience to give you any useful advice, but just wanted to offer you a big un-Mumsnetty hug and to tell you the love you have for your son shines through so brightly in all your messages. I know it must be incredibly difficult for you some days, but the image of him falling asleep in your arms made me well up - he surely must feel so peaceful and safe with you and that is something you should be very proud of.

Notthecarwashagain · 13/09/2022 08:25

Sorry, to keep bobbing back up!
Just wanted to add that there is Sos!Sen you could contact, also IPSEA, maybe The National Autistic Society, and there are groups for parents dealing with EHCPS on Facebook too.

flapjackfairy · 13/09/2022 08:27

My adult son has autism and his first day of school saw the senco ringing to urgently speak to us about getting a statement. ( now EHCP).
On the yard the second day the child behind us loudly informed everyone that my son was the naughty boy and no one liked him.
I went home and cried for hours especially as I had been trying to get help for years only to be told that I was an over anxious mother.
seriously it was one of the lowest points of my life but the good news is that once he was diagnosed and got support things got a lot better and he began to settle. So hang in there.
My son is an adult who.is lovely to be around now but by goodness your post took me right back to how awful those early school days were.
Really hope today is a better one for you and your boy x

ilovesushi · 13/09/2022 08:44

Bless you that sounds awful! The Senco sounds totally unprofessional. And the police visit to top it all off. You are doing all you can to support your son. Keep doing it. Keep going. You are amazing!

Whatoflife · 13/09/2022 08:45

OP you’ve had lots of lovely support on this thread. My take on it…. I really hope that one day you’ll be able to look back on your child’s first day at school and laugh about the fact that he managed to call the police on you all! I got the time wrong on my twins first day in reception and managed to turn up half an hour late, which I laugh about now but your son did really well!
I very much hope you get the support you need and things look up for you soon.

Libertyqueen · 13/09/2022 08:57

I sympathise. What an awfu, awful day. But with love, you need to channel those feelings.

I think you need to start playing hard ball with the school (I saw this as a former SENCO but also parent of an autistic child). Formal complaint about the transition and class teacher shouting. Ask for her to be sent on specialist training such as team teach. Go to your GP and ask for an urgent child development clinic or paediatrician referral (likely will be months but being proactive pays off). From what you’ve said you already have had lots of input so the problem you have is that school are not treating you as the experts in your child and aren’t making proper adjustments.
Remind them that you fully support them in contact the LA SEN team to say he can’t be supported safely in a mainstream environment but whilst he is there they can’t just treat him like a naughty child.
It IS possible for children without an ECHP to go to an SEN school. When I taught in an SEN school we often had nursery/reception children who were with us on ‘assessment’ places. LA just don’t like it because they have to pay and aren’t legally forced to.

Id also suggest that you remind school that whilst you support a gentle transition your son is entitled to a full time education (i.e we arent going to let you get away with avoiding the issue).

Be polite but be doggedly persistent.

As far as the police go, it’s just a good example of him being incredibly disregulated by school. Try not to overthink it. I thank God we live in a detached house because otherwise I’m sure the police would have been called when my autistic child has a meltdown about the wrong coloured spoon!

Finally, find some special needs mums and dads if you haven’t already. This is going to be a battle and you need people who ‘get it’.

Choconut · 13/09/2022 08:58

Wow I don't know what to make of that SENCO, she sounds totally and utterly clueless. Has your ds not had the benefit of any settling in days? Is that not a thing any more? Was his first proper day at school the first time they met him? It sounds like they were woefully underprepared to be honest and it doesn't sound like they have a clue about ASD. Does the class have a TA?

There is so much that may have helped him, coming in early just with you so he wasn't over stimulated by the playground/busy classroom before the day even started. Someone talking him through a picture time table to show him what was going to happen during his time there and when he would be leaving. An activity based around one of his interests to get him settled while other children arrive. Lots of warnings about any changes in activity that might be coming up and how long to finish what they're doing/playing. a special spot or mat for him to sit on to help him know where his place is on the carpet. Noise defenders potentially if he is over stimulated by noise.

Decidualcast · 13/09/2022 09:01

You sound like such an attentive and loving parent. Your child is lucky to have you. I know it’s hard to imagine, but kids with ASD change so much over time. He’s still so young, and will learn. You’ll look back and see how much progress he has made. There will always be challenges, but there will be plenty of victories too. I hope you have all the support you need - it can be lonely. Flowers

MatronicO6 · 13/09/2022 09:03

I am sorry you are going through this OP, it must be very tough for you.

I would consider educational options if I were you. He may adjust in time but will rely on one to one support. That won't come through for a while yet as the school will have to go through process of applying for funding, then awaiting approval then employing someone. So it is reasonable to only gently start him as his needs are so high. He would not cope with longer.

I would suggest you research any special education schools nearby that may be a better fit for him?

Choconut · 13/09/2022 09:03

Oh and OP do not allow school to phone you to get you to pick up ds early because he is being a problem for them - I can see it going this way if they already don't want him in full time. This is an illegal exclusion and a common thing to happen to children with ASD/ADHD. If they want to exclude him for any length of time then they need to do it properly.

Lots of brilliant info here,
www.ipsea.org.uk/pages/category/exclusion-from-school

Did he go to nursery OP? I really hope he wasn't also denied that because of his SEN. Honestly there needs to be so much more put on place for kids with ASD.

MuggleMe · 13/09/2022 09:05

I don't see how he can go back to that school if even the Senco can't keep herself under control for 2 hours... I'm so sorry it's so hard.

extraorderly · 13/09/2022 09:09

That was the bit that alarmed me. A child with ASD being a handful isn't a surprise but the teacher who chooses the role of SENCO and has training should not be losing it in the first 2 hrs he's in school.

Absolutely this.
I don't get some of these posters who say she would have been at her wits end....after 2 hours? From a child who will have a needs plan, reports and meetings with parents about his needs and how to manage them? With a young child with autism in a very new anxiety inducing environment displaying clear distress behaviour in keeping with autism. Did she just hope he'd be a quiet and compliant one?

MatronicO6 · 13/09/2022 09:12

Apologies, I just reread your post and realised I skipped the paragraph you mentioned seeking a specialist school.

You are doing all you can do your little one and that makes you an amazing mum! I am so sorry his first day was a bit of a disaster but as he gets more used to school and his school gets more used to him, these days won't be as frequent. The good thing is the school will be recording all theses things and that will be great evidence to justify your child needing a spot in a special education setting. So don't fret about that, they are on your side and will make a great case for your child when the time comes.