To just cry myself to sleep tonight, after ASD DS's first day at school and police visit ;(

[Thedayfromhell]

I just had the worst day, and really need an outlet for all the emotions I'm feeling tbh. This will be long.

It was my DS's first day at reception (mainstream). He has been privately diagnosed with ASD at the beginning of this year, but we knew for a long time prior to the diagnosis. We were very open and honest with his new school about his needs and challenges, and actively approached them with all the information & reports from the paediatrician, ed psych, nursery, SALT etc.

We came to a mutual agreement that he needs to ease into it gently, so he only went in for 2h today, as it was his first day. Well according to my DP (son's dad), all hell broke loose when he went in to collect him. The SENCO was already waiting for him, and had a very unpleasant chat with him about our son's out of control behaviour (think throwing things out the window, constantly running around, hiding in a cupboard etc.) she openly admitted to shouting at him, and generally losing her composure. It felt very brutal from what DP said, and he was very sad about it too.

For context, I am well aware of how disruptive he can be, and it is a constant uphill struggle for us, every day. He is incredibly bright, excellent at maths, reading, incredible spelling, but his behaviour is so challenging that I cry every day and regret becoming a mother. We are in the process of getting an EHCP in place, and eventually a specialist school placement.

Just as I came back from work today, and we sat down to chat about this, his phone rang. It was the police, who said they received a call from that number from a distressed sounding child. What actually happened was that he managed to get hold of his father's phone and dial 999, then got caught and screamed in excitement. He's dialled it before, but we always stopped him in time. My DP calmly explained the situation, and apologised profusely. They said that because he screamed on the phone, they had a duty to attend. Which is fair enough and reassuring, but god almighty it was the last thing I needed today. They were really lovely about it, and one of the officers actually talked to us about his own autistic son, he understood our struggles. But the whole thing was just so soul-destroying. I know it's just standard protocol, but having them look in my fridge to check if we had food for him, asking to take a picture of his birth certificate, offering to put us in touch with SS... Oh and of course the school will be contacted as well :(

I feel completely crushed today. My little boy fell asleep in my arms tonight, so calm and beautiful, like nothing ever happened. But I can't stop crying. The future terrifies me.

Ah I’m so sorry OP that must have really thrown you today.
I have DS3 who has just recently been diagnosed autistic. They can’t tell us where on the spectrum he is until he’s been in an education setting and can conclude with official reports what he’s like in nursery. But SALT agree with the diagnosis.
This sounds really hard, as only you and your DP know the lovely, kind and sweet side to him away from these behaviours he shows. Does he behave this way a lot or could he have been massively overstimulated in the new environment? I’d continue to try it at a low introduction, but I think the staff member who shouted at him shouldn’t be aloud to work with him.
He needs calm in a situation like that. Not shouting (although I do recognise how hard it is to keep calm in that situation)

The police looking in fridge etc is normal protocol, they were doing a welfare visit & have to check for food etc. Seems weird but it's normal

If it's any consolation OP, my autistic DH was an absolute nightmare all through primary school. Other parents did everything in their power to either get him thrown out or their child moved. He had half his lessons one to one with a special needs teacher. But he was also very clever and good at maths. He's now a chemistry professor. It's extremely hard for you now, but don't give up.

My nephew had the same start to school. He is now in a special school and is thriving things are much easier at home now too.

It's tough it really is.

My brother had to really fight to get him into a special school. The resources are scarce and spaces few. But it makes all the difference. My nephew was expelled from 2 primary schools before he got his place .

You have a long road ahead so you need to be kind to yourself , accept help for him and yourselves

Fight the battles you can win , eg does it really matter that he will only eat off a blue plate and it's only pasta with ketchup ;).

Try not to say "no" as much. Try distraction instead. Or giving only two options. Eg before school when he won't get ready ask him which he wants to do first clean his teeth or put his clothes on. . think about the outcome you need and avoid confrontation as much as possible.

I hope you feel a little brighter this morning

OP that sounds really shit, what a horrible day for you. We have days like this and it's fucking horrific and feels so relentless. You're stringer than you realise though and you will get past it.

I know its hard to have to think about but I would seriously consider moving schools urgently due to SENCOs behaviour. I was in your position this time last year and the damage caused by our SENCO, I can't even put into words. She left at Easter which is the only reason my son is still there whilst we wait for our tribunal in December for a specialist school.

Even though you're hoping for a specialist placement once EHCP is in place, it can be such a slog to get there and your son could be in mainstream for another year or two whilst it is still figured out. If there are other local mai streams with a great senco reputation, I'd really think hard about moving him.

I hope you all have a better day today xx

It sounded like your ds isn't in the right environment at school. I would try to take him out of there if you can, I mean it's not a great sign so early in his school life & in my experience will only get more challenging.

I would certainly speak to someone about your options now, whether you can change his school, or placement until funding is agreed for a specialist placement.

I have a DD with these needs (now adult), and I wish I'd taken her out of school right at the start, it was difficult to say the very least from start to finish & at the end of her school life she had absolutely no self esteem. I'm just very sorry you're going through this but not surprised that mainstream school isn't able to deal with this.

You sound like a truly wonderful mother, and think where he would be without someone as lovely as you.

As pp said just take a breathe, take care of yourself, you are doing all you can.
I am shocked that the SENCO charge shouted at your son, she is supposed to be trained to deal with exactly this type of behaviour, I hope she has profusely apologised to you and your child. That would have been very frightening for him.

I hope the school can help fast track into an environment that can take proper care of him. I hope today is better and if it is not, at least you will finally get the support you need.

Solidarity and sympathy from me!
I hope he and you have a better time today.

You’ve had some really good advice here, but can I just ask what part of the day his two hours are?

Is it possible to miss the very start of the day (ie the crowd of people in the playground, and realistically a bit of a chaos in the classroom) so that he goes into a room where the children are all busy and engaged? Would he be calmer having a morning at home with you and then going in for the afternoon?

The SENCO sounds like she had a bad day too, but I am horrified to be honest. Our SENCO would be the first person to remove a teacher who was shouting, she wouldn’t dream of doing so herself.

I am so so sorry. That sounds like a very tough day. Big hugs to you and your little one and I hope they sort out your EHCP very soon.

"Show me a parent who wouldn’t shout at a child who is running riot, throwing through windows and hiding in cupboards!"

When a child with a known disability is showing not coping behaviour common in young children with that disability I would expect a professional to behave in the correct way.

The Police were doing their duty - they had to check. We had similar when my dear mum with dementia rang 999, the police arrived and checked the house, including food provision.

Meanwhile the media is full of missed opportunities to intervene after avoidable tragedies. I’m pleased to hear the police did a good job for your lad.

All the best OP, sounds like your son couldn’t have wished for a better mum.

Big hugs OP, what a day you've had. You've had lots of good advice and support already, so I'll keep this brief. In your shoes I would not send ds back until you have had a meeting with the sendco and headteacher. The shouting at him on his first day is awful when they had been given all the information prior to his start. You need them to explain what they will do to help ds before he goes back there. It's a very difficult situation, as personally i would not feel confident that they can support your son and therefore wouldn't want him going there, however pp are right that you need school's evidence to really push for a specialist setting. How far along is the ehcp application? Take heart that you are not alone, this has happened to many of us

Great advices so far - from my point of view, the Senco clearly is one of those who prefers "quiet and calm" Sen kids. She had no right to complain or shout (the shouting may need to be addressed as a separate issue). She should calmly describe what happened, reassure and discuss how they will help him. It was his first day ffs - incompetent sencos give me the rage. This where you and your DP have a battle on your hand. I found for us it was a balancing act, whilst being very polite and calm, through smiles and subtly reminding them of their stautory duties and the reason she/he is the senco is to find a way to help my child. Honestly, even if it's fake bravado and confidence, put it in front of school. My DH and I, our body language changes as we approach the school, a kind of "don't fuck with our DC". We do it and it works as school knows they will be pulled up on serious stuff (we let less important issues go and keep fights for the more serous issues) whilst at home I cry about it and am a wreck after every encounter. It does not come naturally but it is becoming second nature. We don't apologise to the school anymore, we ask "what is the back story/trigger?", we ask "so how did you help DS? ".

You are doing amazingly and are on the right path getting the EHCP ❤️ It is an ongoing battle, and you need to look after yourself too.

I'm so sorry. I can relate to an extent. My DS has ASD and although he has always been a rule follower at school although no real friends and struggled socially, home life was hell. He would beat me, I would be bruised, black eyes, he would trash things, he would attack his little brother badly (once strangled him and threw him down the stairs) if I was away for 1 minutes to use the toilet or start dinner. They said it was like the coke bottle affect. He would be trying so hard to be 'good' all day like a bottle being shaken up and the moment he walked in the door, he would explode. I would sob over the future. I used to dread him getting older and stronger. I used to be terrified to go to the toilet, I would bring the youngest with me or to make dinner. We even struggled to get a diagnosis (have one now) and never had an EHCP because he was always so 'good' at school.

Anyways, to give you some hope. He is now 11. Just went yo mainstream secondary school 2 weeks ago. Made a friend and he hasn't been violent since about 8yo. He has his meltdowns but he has learnt techniques to cope with them and so have we. I did some parenting courses for children with ASD and ADHD and honestly they helped so much.

The SENCO don't seem to know what they are doing from what you have said. I think you need to meet with them and get a plan in place.

Bless you. My asd ds was exactly the same at that age. I ended up having to homeschool him for a couple of years as neither he, nor the school he was in could cope. We were helped by a fantastic EdPysch who identified the right type of school in our borough that could meet his needs and challenges, and gave me the language I needed to push for it. For us it was a mainstream school with an ASD unit. He thrived there and we had no more problems. In fact he’s now 18 and I cried all the way back from after I dropped him of at university halls last week.

If it’s not the right school for him, the school will fail and it’s a direct reflection on them, not you. They will be very happy to take the ECHP money but your ds has as much right to access education as our children, even if he needs more support to do so.

As much as I sympathise with @Anothernosebleed 's post I actually came on to post the opposite.
Regarding school please do not feel railroaded into reducing his hours further, keeping him at home or moving schools. There are too many mainstream schools out there that pull that sort of thing so that they move the "problem" on rather than actually helping to sort it.
The school's behaviour today was a disgrace. Shouting and losing their composure at a four year old who didn't behave on his first day then being rude to his parents. This is not ok. I would be requesting a proper face to face meeting and really pushing them on what strategies have been tried so far, what support can they offer, what training they intend to offer staff in Reception and how they intend to help you to apply for a specialist placement.
Don't feel bad about asking for things, they have a duty of care for your child and a lot of these things should be in place anyway.

I teach at a provision that children often arrive in having been "lost in the system" for several years in some cases. Parents often move children on, accept hugely reduced hours or keep them home altogether. Unfortunately this makes it much easier for a local authority to keep shuffling your case to the back of the queue. Keep him where he is is keep politely but firmly asking the school to put things in place for him will help you to keep him "visible" in the system.
Unfortunately it's a shitty and broken system at the moment.
for you for your tough day though.

Your son didn't do anything wrong, your son's ASD made him behave like that.

You poor thing, that's a hell of a first day at school.

Can you or his father stay for a while with him today? Not in the classroom but in the office so you can intervene if they need it?

Can the school give him a safe quiet place? I think him getting in to the cupboard may have been him trying to do that.

Is there a local support group? Or one online?

Not ideal but I expect she was at her wit's end and probably feels terrible about it now. Teachers aren't robots and this isn't the aspect to focus on - not shouting at that point would have made little difference anyway.

I had a child run riot in a Nursery class a few days after he started - throwing boxes of Lego etc about with the intention of hurtung other children and aiming chairs a children and staff. I think I was too startled to shout, to be honest and got all the other children out of the room to a place of safety. The TA stayed and observed the child wrecking the room from a safe distance. I got the Head out of a meeting and, miraculously, she got him a place at a diagnostic centre almost straight away. This was many years ago and I don't think that place even exists any more. His parents had been pleading for help as they couldn't cope and thanked us for what we had done.

That's not much help to the OP but my point was that a situation like that in a mainstream setting might come up once in a teacher's career and they will be doing the best they can for ALL the children.

Neither of my children were neurotypical and life was very hard. My eldest is now a medical student and my youngest is on track to complete his degree. If I could have seen the future I would have been relieved. I remember being told that my youngest had global developmental delay and the utter fear I felt for his future and for his brother and his issues. I too had a visit from the police but they were planning to arrest one of my children. It was beyond awful at the time. But thanks to a lot of effort and support my children made it through (without a criminal record).

I’m sorry I can’t imagine how tough that all is. I don’t have any advice, but wanted to give you a handhold as you navigate this x

Sounds awful, so sorry op. Some children just can't cope with mainstream schools.

My dd is such a child. We moved schools during her primary years, specifically picked this school as they advertise great senco, geared up for children like my dd blah blah, well what a load of bullshit. I spent ages talking to the head and teachers before she attended. Within less than 2 months they'd suspended her twice (she was 7) I got SS involved and she's now in a specialist school. The relief is immense as I know I'll get no more school phone calls and they can't exclude her. She's doing so much better too.

Solidarity here from the mother of a spectacularly disruptive, but ridiculously bright, DS5 with ASC (SPD and ADHD). We’ve had many a horrendous day like this.💐

We’ve just got DS into an outstanding state primary with 1:1 support. That ensures he gets stretched academically while being prevented from throwing chairs at teachers (as he memorably did at his previous school!) School will not always be this horrendous, but it may need to get worse before it gets better iykwim.

Make sure the EHCP reflects DS as he was yesterday (worst day) rather than on the “average” day. Happy to PM if you would like. X

Another ASD mum sending you a hug and solidarity!
My son is now a teenager but i remember those primary school days vividly. I agree the senco should not have shouted at your son. He needed distraction and calm instructions given at his level.
It sounds like he is excited and overwhelmed. Has he attended nursery? Have you got evidence for the EHCP? Has he had social stories for what is expected of him when he is at school? Does he have a 1-2-1 support person for these two hours?
Does your son have to be in school at the moment? If he doesn't and it gets too much, and you are able to then I would also keep him at home until a suitable place is found. However these things are never quick sadly.
The school need to be doing things differently for him for the time he is there. He may need a quieter room to be in, and certainly sounds like he needs 1-2-1, even without an EHCP if he can't cope.
Its bloody hard going. One day at a time for you and prioritise your son's happiness. If he is distressed about being at school then I would question whether to send him. I hope the EHCP assessment is confirmed for him soon 🙏