‘Single parent’ status misrepresenting reality

[Rainycitydweller]

AIBU to be so infuriated by so called ‘single mums’ who actually co parent their child/children with a responsible ex partner , have more independence and less responsibility than cohabiting parents and a reliable maintenance payment every month but who wear their status when it suits to suggest they are someone how disadvantaged? Not only is it insulting and disrespectful to the invisible on SM etc co-parent, playing up to the connotation they are a bit shit or neglectful, but it also totally undermines actual lone parents (and their children)genuinely struggling to survive parenthood completely unsupported as well as any parents who have responsibility for their kids 24/7 with no weekends off etc ?
I appreciate co-parenting is not easy but it’s totally different to having sole responsibility in every way for your children.

It's so variable we can't generalise, and labels hardly ever tell the full story.

I understand OP's frustration - there's so little respect or acknowledgement of the reality of lone parenting. Hats off to her.

But as we can see on this thread, so called "co parenting" can be so hard that it may even be preferable to have no interaction with the father.

My ex has the dc for a bit of time, but pays nothing and has zero of the mental load of parenting. The worst bit is the heartbreak from broken dreams. I've been frequently suicidal since he left, only the responsibility to the dc keeps me alive. Absolutely would never have had them if I'd known.

So yes I get a few hours "break" (usually working/housework) but the emotional pain is almost unbearable.

I don’t agree with you.

A single parent is any parent who is single - so you’re not longer a single parent if you remarry etc, but you are if your ex is a co parent.

If you’re doing it all alone you’re a lone parent (as well, if no new relationship) which is another level of responsibility.

I don’t know where you draw the line between those with a crap co parent and a decent one though. I don’t think that can be summed up in a word.

What is interesting is that it used to be used as an insult and now we’re fighting over it!

I think there are far too many variations in co parenting to use it as a term
even where people I know do 50:50 there is often one who seems to do more of the parent work
It also reflects that each lone parent generally due to running their own household has less money and total responsibility for upkeep, DIY, chores etc

Is once a week too much to be a 'single parent'? Twice a week? Everyone has different arrangements, where's the magical cutoff?

This is what I was getting at.

For disclosure I’m a single parent but not a lone parent - but my kids’ dad causes almost more headaches that if he wasn’t involved at all! I’m luckier than some that I get maintenance and some breaks though, I do understand that.

I have gone several months before without the kids ever going to their dad (currently I’m at almost 5 weeks as he cancelled the sole day he was meant to have last week) but yes I understand that no breaks ever is incredibly tough. Especially if you’re doing that from the start, through toddler years etc.

What I don’t think is on, is when someone who’s partner works away or similar says “I’m practically a single parent”. Noooooo. It’s the mental load - the being responsible for the whole show - that you can never have in that situation.

One billion per cent. DH's ex wears her single parent label like a badge of honour. She's not a fucking single parent, she's a co-parent and got EOW to do exactly as she pleased.

It also reflects that each lone parent generally due to running their own household has less money and total responsibility for upkeep, DIY, chores etc

This is true too, although I would call those parents single rather than lone.

I totally get you OP but, I don't want to say co-parent because it sounds like 50/50.

I get why it irks you but, unless you know the circumstances I think it's best not to judge too much.

^to add to this

I'm definitely not a 'co-parent' with DS' dad who sees him 1x per week. Just having them involved does not make them or you a co-parent unless you're also 'co-parenting' with other friends/family members who see your DCs.

I applied for his school. I have all the documents. He's registered at my GP and dentist and I make all appointments. I organise all the playdates. I buy all the clothes. I do all the haircuts. I make all the parenting decisions. When it's an emergency and I have to go to A&E, I have to bring him with me.

DS' dad sees him, but I'm not coparenting with anyone.

And that’s it, isn’t it? Literally everything after the ‘I’m a lone parent apart from…..’ I would absolutely kill for. One weekend a year is an un-wished for pie in the sky dream. Them being fed rubbish for an afternoon means I didn’t have to feed them. A random ten quid is ten quid I don’t have to go without so that have what they need.

I really hate competitive misery, and I completely agree it isn’t fair to put neat labels on people, but conflating actual lone parenting with single parenting of any level really invalidates lone parents. It is not the same. I did 99.9% of everything before anyway, as my DH was ill, so day to day lone parenting is not actually that different for me. But he could step and do a nursery run if I was taken into hospital. He could give us a lift to take the car in
for repairs. He could watch tv with her for twenty minutes while I talked the mortgage advisor. He didn’t want to, and I had to set it all up to be zero effort and it had to be an actual dire emergency. But there is a world of difference between a shitty option and nothing at all, both mentally and logistically.

This is my situation also and I consider myself a single parent

Literally everything after the ‘I’m a lone parent apart from…..’ I would absolutely kill for.

OK but that doesn't mean they're not also single parents. It's like saying 'You don't have cancer, you have a good prognosis and I'm terminal.' Or 'Your child doesn't have autism, they're at university and my child is nonverbal.' There are easier and harder situations and one doesn't invalidate the other.

No I did not.
You used the phrase ‘dense’
Stop being so disingenuous.

And why are you still posting at me, and repeatedly misrepresenting my posts.

Honestly!

I know that. I’m a bit conflicted. I wish to be validated for what I do, without invalidating what others do. And I DO feel unseen.

And I really think if you have anything supportive, however small, you can’t understand how hard it is to have nothing at all. I reckon if I had a supportive GP in the country, I’d be saying ‘it’s not that different. I have my kid all the time, apart from when GP takes her for one afternoon a week, or if I have a night out’. The afternoons are all mine and I do not have nights out. Never. Ever.

The difference between nothing and little bit is not the same as the difference between a little bit and a little bit more. It’s just not. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard and can’t be awful in it’s own right, or deserving of support and sympathy, but it’s not as hard as having nothing. Sorry.

All the people saying it IS as hard are people who have something. Which proves my point. You can’t appreciate it unless you lived it long term. Everyone who doesn’t have an ‘apart from’ agrees.

@HumptyDumpty2022 She gets every other weekend to do exactly as she pleases? So you husband has the other 12 days to do exactly what pleases him? Doesn't sounds anything like co-parenting to me!

Was the same for me, a babysitter who called himself dad and chopped and changed and cancelled so much that it wasn't co-anything, all on his terms.
No maintenance, no regularity and zero co of anything.
Yes her dad was around and she had a relationship with him, no we bloody well didn't coparent, because he didn't parent at all.

Yes after you questioned my ability to read. Because you thought I missed details, despite me referring to those details in my post.

Look, if some replies to you and you get arsey, don’t moan they get arsey back. Don’t question peoples intelligence and ability to read a post, if you don’t want the same back.

Don’t expect to call someone swivel eyed (amongst other things) and expect them not to point out personal insults suggest you are talking shit.

Not sure why you keep pretending you didn’t say things that are right there.

I understand. My youngest's dad is not in the picture at all. I'm just saying people are still single parents whether they have nothing or something. Personally it doesn't help me to create further divisions or say people can't use a term - it's factually correct and it doesn't help me if they say that or something else. Give me some free childcare any day over using a different term to describe yourself!

@HumptyDumpty2022 Are you my ex husbands new wife? 😆

It wasn’t 12 days a fortnight, I remember oh so vividly DH’s co parenting responsibilities being more than 2 days a fortnight, but even so, even 12 days is not 14!! Unless my maths is letting me down, that means Co not single!!

But hey, if single parenting is a badge of honour to be swung around at all available opportunities fill your boots! Not a term I’d be proud of!

Not no one outside you household ever sees what you do. That goes for sahp, women with men who actually make life harder, single parents who coparent, lone parents who do have grand parents that are hands on etc

All single parents don’t get validation. Lots in couples don’t either.

The set up doesn’t automatically prove you (not you specifically m, a general you) have it better or worse. I went 3 years without a night off. But, it was easier than when exh was involved. He emotionally damaged my children and actively cause me more problems and higher costs. In my situation, it was easier. But it’s not the same for everyone. They may have someone co parenting who actually parents so it’s easier than being completely alone.

Thats why saying this label proves you have it harder, doesn’t make sense.

I don’t think so, one ‘victim’ single parent is enough!

Signed, the SM of the invisible children.

I Co parent 50/50 with my exh this is not easy and I have no family support as I love quite a distance from my own family. I work full time 10.5hr shifts on the days my ds goes to his dad's and then on the days I have ds I have no free time, so I class myself as a single parent. I live on my own and pay all my own bills. I have no financial support from anyone else in the same way a lone parent would. Ds dad is emotionally abusive and I would rather not have to send ds to his dad's and just get on with things on my own but I have no choice in the 50/50 agreement. Just because people Co parent doesn't mean its easy. I wouldn't actually class what my exh does as Co parenting he is a Disney dad who only does the fun stuff and buys his sons effection.

What are you on about? You sound unwell.

That message was in response to the quote that accompanied it, that's what I'm "on about"!

You can pick up someone is unwell from a couple of posts, you're a genius, you should take up your place at the head of the NHS!