‘Single parent’ status misrepresenting reality

[Rainycitydweller]

AIBU to be so infuriated by so called ‘single mums’ who actually co parent their child/children with a responsible ex partner , have more independence and less responsibility than cohabiting parents and a reliable maintenance payment every month but who wear their status when it suits to suggest they are someone how disadvantaged? Not only is it insulting and disrespectful to the invisible on SM etc co-parent, playing up to the connotation they are a bit shit or neglectful, but it also totally undermines actual lone parents (and their children)genuinely struggling to survive parenthood completely unsupported as well as any parents who have responsibility for their kids 24/7 with no weekends off etc ?
I appreciate co-parenting is not easy but it’s totally different to having sole responsibility in every way for your children.

I read 'single parent' to mean that the parent is without a partner, not that they're the single/only parent the child has.

I think what bothers me is not the general term (I never offer my lone parent status to anyone unless it’s necessary) but people that use it on for example their social media posts or introductions to imply they have some sort of adversity (that the name does allude to) when that isn’t necessarily the case.

Hmm. Let's have a race to the bottom for women to see who's ex partners are the most shit? And if mine is more shit than yours, I win!

Honestly op, what's your intention with this thread?

I hear what you are saying. A separated family with two involved parents is very different to a family where the mother has no extra support at all (and that includes family help also).

I also understand the statement about co-habiting parents also. In a marriage, the mum tends to be the default parent seven days a week, even with a supportive parent. In a co-parenting situation, the mother has ‘time-off’ when the dc is with their father. They could have regular weekends with no childcare responsibility, something the co-habit ing parent may not get.

However, every situation is different. The co-habiting mum may have an abusive partner, and the co-parent mum fully engaged ex, grandparents etc. Everyone is striving to do their best, and one size doesn’t fit all. It’s a top trump situation to see who has the best (or worst) situation.

Agree.

My intention as a lone parent is to vent my frustration at people I know and see that are in privileged circumstances defining themselves as single parents to imply some sort of heroism or hardship that in their circumstances doesn’t exist. It is my lived experience.

What do you consider to be a 'privileged position'?

Sorry, 'privileged circumstances'?

I'm single and a parent so what is wrong with describing myself as a single parent? His 1-2 hours a week for one of our two children doesn't really class as coparenting likewise I'm not classed as a "lone" parent because he shows up for "his hour" most of the time just how exactly do you propose I describe myself?

refer specifically to the people I’m talking about, shared love and care of children, shared responsibility in school holidays etc , shared responsibility for education, health and well-being of children and financial and residential security.

I get what you mean. If the other parent is 100% involved, present and responsible, I don't think you can call yourself a single/lone parent. If, however, your ex is a twat, doesn't pull his/her weight, takes minimal responsibility, pays only what they are legally obliged to and might occasionally/begrudgingly take the kids for one night, you are, in essence, a single/lone parent.

Doesn't bother me, people have different circumstances, different people find different things difficult

I don't discribe myself as a lone parent or a single parent. If the situation ever comes up , which is rare I say the younger dcs dad moved to Ireland years ago and they see him occasionally in the holidays

I am not referring to all single parents or people who call themselves that I’m referring to certain people who are not in circumstances like your own and whose childrens other parent equally loves and takes responsibility for them but who like people to believe they are for some weird reason disadvantaged or that’s not the case, I’m sorry if my post didn’t make that clear but my comments since should have.i am surprised you haven’t encountered similar frustrations and I’d say you are lucky you haven’t.

I am single and a parent. I tend to say that 'I'm not with my kids dad'. He is a good dad and has them 50% of the time. We both work FT in demanding jobs with no state support.

I dont really know what the best term is tbh, I tend to call myself by my profession, I'm not sure my relationship status is very relevant.

I have one night/day per week without my DD. However it's not a "break" I spend that time doing all the stuff that cohabiting parents share during the week.

I am fully responsible for her 6 days a week (while working full-time), no help around the house, no help with dinner, breakfast, ironing uniforms, homework, running her around to clubs, no emotional support, no sharing of the mental load. Nobody to keep an eye on her til I nip out on an errand or do a food shop.

Co-habiting parents typically share these tasks between them over the course (so to a lesser extent than others). Therefore unless you're with an absolute lazy prick co-habiting parents do 50% of raising the children each whereas I do over 6/7th of this. But I'm not a single parent??

And yes I do have a day a week without my DD in my presence but this is spent doing stuff that I would otherwise have done over the course of the week had a 2nd adult have been living in the house and pulling his weight

So people who have 50/50 shared care then?

So would a lone parent who has been single for 75% of their childrens lives out-do you in the hard done by stakes?

Is single-parent top trumps really what we're playing here?

I don't pay attention to it, it doesn't have any affect on me. Over the years I've probably done the occasional eye roll at people but that's it

To me a single parent parents singularly.......so sometimes mention this on TV interviews for pity points ( or the interviewers do).....this indicates no help from the other parent (male/female)....simples

Not this shit again

Sounds like you are thinking of someone specific who says they are a single parent but has more support from their DC dad than you do?

TBH this is coming across as a race to the bottom. I was a single parent with what looked like a supportive ex (to others). Actually he made my life hard as he was unreliable. But on the face of it, I had the odd weekend off so I'd have been seen as better off than a 'lone' parent. I didn't moan about him, because I would never want bad-mouthing of my ex to get to the DC. So you wouldn't, as a friend or aquantaince, know how tough I found the constant negotiation and stress of dealing with him, plus making sure that none of the animosity was visible to the DC.

Lone parenting is tough and you have my every sympathy. But you don't know whats going on behind the scenes in other people's lives.

No not necessarily it’s not that prescriptive.

I am a lone parent, it's me 24/7, single income, no father as I am actually a widow. In my 30's with a 8 year old.

I can't get too worked up about labels as such. Single, lone, co-parent all have their own struggles and issues I'm sure.

I just wish single/lone mother's weren't still judged by what they are/are not doing.

A woman in a hotel when we were checking in once said to me "oh is you partner not here" and I said oh no it's just me and my son, and she replied in a really judge voice "oh, single mother" so for the one time in my life I played my "widow card" and said "no I'm a widow actually" she literally tried to fold herself up and suck her lips back in her gob 😏

Best thing is not to assume that being a single parent means either immense hardship or a much easier independence. There are all types of single parents in all types of circumstances. It’s an accurate term. It’s fine to be annoyed if people are implying they have a dreadful time when you know they have it pretty easy - but I don’t think the terminology is the problem here.

so called ‘single mums’

so what term are they permitted to use to describe themselves?