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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

‘Single parent’ status misrepresenting reality

284 replies

Rainycitydweller · 12/09/2022 22:29

AIBU to be so infuriated by so called ‘single mums’ who actually co parent their child/children with a responsible ex partner , have more independence and less responsibility than cohabiting parents and a reliable maintenance payment every month but who wear their status when it suits to suggest they are someone how disadvantaged? Not only is it insulting and disrespectful to the invisible on SM etc co-parent, playing up to the connotation they are a bit shit or neglectful, but it also totally undermines actual lone parents (and their children)genuinely struggling to survive parenthood completely unsupported as well as any parents who have responsibility for their kids 24/7 with no weekends off etc ?
I appreciate co-parenting is not easy but it’s totally different to having sole responsibility in every way for your children.

OP posts:

Paigeycakey · 14/09/2022 13:02

Dis626 · 14/09/2022 11:37

I always describe myself as a lone parent for that reason. I've got a friend who is a single parent who often comments on how hard it is, but she has an ex DH who takes her DD 2-3 days a week, a full and busy social life and grandparents who provide all her childcare for free. Which is very different to my situation. I'm completely alone with my DS, have no social life and have to pay most of my wages out on childcare.

But you are aware that a lot of mums that co parent cover the school holidays like YOU also and pay for holiday clubs 13 weeks of the year.

Some of these tales are the minority "paying half of nursery fees and EOW and 2 overnight per week" sorry to burst your bubble but this is not that common.

In fact in my circle I only know 1 person which is my own cousin which is now 32 and her parents still co parent till this day but this is a rare scenario! I personally don't know anyone that co parents only myself.... but I had to go through the Courts.... I still only manged to get DS dad to agree (FORCE) to do 3 weeks of the whole entire year and EOW which starts on a Saturday and ends on a Sunday. No school pick ups on a Friday or drop off to school on a Monday morning.

Apparently dad's schedule is more important than mine! If DS is sick it's me the school ring to come out of work! Just like YOU!

Paigeycakey · 14/09/2022 13:06

georgarina · 13/09/2022 11:30

^to add to this

I'm definitely not a 'co-parent' with DS' dad who sees him 1x per week. Just having them involved does not make them or you a co-parent unless you're also 'co-parenting' with other friends/family members who see your DCs.

I applied for his school. I have all the documents. He's registered at my GP and dentist and I make all appointments. I organise all the playdates. I buy all the clothes. I do all the haircuts. I make all the parenting decisions. When it's an emergency and I have to go to A&E, I have to bring him with me.

DS' dad sees him, but I'm not coparenting with anyone.

Can you ring that bell a little louder for those in the back!

Paigeycakey · 14/09/2022 13:15

Eeksteek · 14/09/2022 11:01

To clarify my point slightly, I have no issue with the use of single parent, at all. If you don’t live with a partner, you’re a single parent, even if you have good support, and it’s hard.

What I am saying is that lone parenting is another level. That you can’t understand it unless you have done it. And what I am seeing confirms that. People who have no ‘apart from’ get it. People who have support want to minimise it, and expect the same from lone parents as single parents, and that’s unfair. It is it not the same. As a rule (and there are overlaps and exceptions) I have fewer resources. Even the smallest ‘apart from’ is something to hold out for. It’s like being rich. Even if you try, you can’t really experience poverty, because you know that this isn’t for ever. That’s the difference. The ‘apart from’ means it’s not for ever. There is, however small, some respite.

I am not saying it’s the hardest thing in the world, it’s not. There are plenty of people who have it harder than me. And I can acknowledge that and feel for those people - declare them worthy of sympathy, validation and help - without comparing them to my own challenges, whether better or worse. There are also of plenty of people better off than me, who still have valid problems. When single parents have problems, I try to help if I can. If I can’t, I try to listen and empathise. I don’t invalidate them by saying ‘plenty of people manage’ or ‘at least your husband didn’t die’ or ‘some people in your situation have more/more disabled children than you, you know’. Despite that sort of thing being repeatedly expressed to me, as a lone parent either directly or (more often) by holding me to same standards and expectations as single parent, and finding me wanting when they are more challenging for me. It’s frustrating to be expected by society to participate at the same level as people with more resources, and to thought weak in character when you don’t.

I also sincerely hope that people who don’t get it because they haven’t experienced it, don’t have it happen to them. I just wish they’d acknowledge that their experience isn’t mine, and they don’t get it

Sorry to be blunt but it is you who doesn't get it..... most co parenting mums have experience just like you of what it's like to do everything. The trouble is you are assuming that the dads co parenting are wonderful this is a small percent. These men can't be that bloody wonderful other wise we would have stayed and lived happily ever after!

🤣🤣🤣

moofolk · 14/09/2022 13:32

@Rainycitydweller your OP says that those with a fair split of childcare shouldn't call themselves single parents as it's insulting to actual lone parents.

Isn't that the term that makes the difference? I share parental responsibility with the kids dad. I am single. I am a parent, ergo single parent.

I wouldn't claim to be a lone parent, and I know women who are. It's bloody tough. But by the same measure, could a married mother of six say that she is three times as much parent as a lone mother of one?

I absolutely get the frustration, but there are other difficulties that come with shared parenting. Pitting single mums and lone mums against each other isn't helpful, but it is easy to fall into resentment when you are finding things hard.

Teder · 14/09/2022 14:26

Those who are lone parents with zero support saying “oh you don’t get it, it’s not the same!” well, ditto you don’t get how hard it is for some women to hand their child/ren over to an emotionally abusive father. The child returns, they’ve not bathed all weekend, they’re hyped on sugar, barely slept and no homework done - mother gets left to deal. Hardly a “break”. I have a friend in this situation. My useless useless ex abandoned us while I was pregnant, has never seen his son and doesn’t even know his birthday. After a few years, CMS tracked him down and he pays £15 a month. It’s shit. I don’t think I have the monopoly on it being hard though.

I would say anyone who is not in a relationship and is a parent, is a single parent.

CousinKrispy · 14/09/2022 15:27

And ALL of these mums in tough circumstances deserve respect and a break!

georgarina · 14/09/2022 15:41

CousinKrispy · 14/09/2022 15:27

And ALL of these mums in tough circumstances deserve respect and a break!

Agreed...I think the tone of this post is all off and full of misdirected frustration. Don't take it out on other women who are struggling.

Babycakes6 · 14/09/2022 17:26

forinborin · 14/09/2022 10:18

I think a "single parent" is also a very socially loaded term in the UK. I had people telling me that I am not a single parent because I have a degree, a good job and a mortgage, I am just a divorced mother.

I believe you have to ask OP for permission to use the term. But since you are not suffering in poverty, not likely she would approve 😂

MinervaTerrathorn · 14/09/2022 18:39

Teder · 14/09/2022 14:26

I would say anyone who is not in a relationship and is a parent, is a single parent.

I agree. I have been a lone parent for 11 years and my parents are not in the country. For four years I had a break of between four and 24 hours a week when either my ex or his parents had contact, depending on if he could be bothered seeing his child. A lot of emotional abuse in that time. I became a lone parent after a serious physical assault and I was RELIEVED.

Lone parenting, EOW contact, and co-parenting can each be difficult in different ways. Single parents should support each other, not create divisions.

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