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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

‘Single parent’ status misrepresenting reality

284 replies

Rainycitydweller · 12/09/2022 22:29

AIBU to be so infuriated by so called ‘single mums’ who actually co parent their child/children with a responsible ex partner , have more independence and less responsibility than cohabiting parents and a reliable maintenance payment every month but who wear their status when it suits to suggest they are someone how disadvantaged? Not only is it insulting and disrespectful to the invisible on SM etc co-parent, playing up to the connotation they are a bit shit or neglectful, but it also totally undermines actual lone parents (and their children)genuinely struggling to survive parenthood completely unsupported as well as any parents who have responsibility for their kids 24/7 with no weekends off etc ?
I appreciate co-parenting is not easy but it’s totally different to having sole responsibility in every way for your children.

OP posts:
Cloverforever · 13/09/2022 19:46

This reply has been deleted

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Why are you only responding to me and nobody else? Others have asked you questions you haven't responded to, which is odd.

I have posted 3 times on this thread to your eight, hardly over-invested!!!

HumptyDumpty2022 · 13/09/2022 19:50

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Cloverforever · 13/09/2022 19:55

One other I believe,, and one since I started typing my previous message.

I'm going to step away from this thread now as it's getting nasty, which benefits nobody.

Givenuptotally · 13/09/2022 19:57

Yes. I this was aimed at you.EOW is roughy 4 nights a months, depending on how many weeks in a month. It's hardly father of the year material is it

why? I think you might mean someone else, I have been a single parent for nearly 15 years.

HumptyDumpty2022 · 13/09/2022 19:57

Hard of reading then, there’s at least two others.

Sideorderofchips · 13/09/2022 19:58

I see myself as a single parent. Their dad sees them 7 hours a week if that really and I am responsible for everything.

HumptyDumpty2022 · 13/09/2022 20:14

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Givenuptotally · 13/09/2022 20:19

Do you receive any CM payment for your children?

statistics suggest the majority of children who should receive maintenance, don’t. Of those that do receive it, the majority receive less than £40 a week.

bbcdefg · 13/09/2022 20:22

Do you receive any CM payment for your children?

Never got a penny in maintenance.

MinervaTerrathorn · 13/09/2022 20:27

If a single parent is receiving regular money from the other parent they are surely co-parenting?
Disagree. I receive regular money from tax credits but I am not coparenting with the government.
If the other parent sees their children 5 days a fortnight they are most definitely co-parenting.
Definitely agree there. I don't see EOW or less as coparenting though.

justusandmoo · 13/09/2022 20:36

Yes you are right. I'd never refer to myself as a single mum as I co-parent with my ExH and it's totally 50/50. I'd always say that I co parent.

My partners ex wife always refers to herself as a single parent even though their dad is very involved and they spend huge amounts of time with us. I find it quite strange and a bit of an insult to the parents who do actually parent completely alone x

TitInATrance · 13/09/2022 20:39

Also dislike the term ‘single parent’. I was a solo parent (only living parent). I wasn’t single throughout DC childhood but I was most definitely their only parent, and no XH wasn’t useful.

User354354 · 13/09/2022 20:49

Givenuptotally · 13/09/2022 19:57

Yes. I this was aimed at you.EOW is roughy 4 nights a months, depending on how many weeks in a month. It's hardly father of the year material is it

why? I think you might mean someone else, I have been a single parent for nearly 15 years.

@Givenuptotally

Gosh I am so so sorry. You quoted someone, I quoted you, thinking you were the original poster.

I was referring to the poster who's DH has his kids EOW and said the mum was claiming to be a single parent.

Once again I am really sorry, completely my mistake for not reading properly!

Givenuptotally · 13/09/2022 21:14

@User354354 no problem. I just couldn’t understand what you were getting at!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 13/09/2022 21:16

This reply has been deleted

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That's not co parenting, that's throwing a bit of money at a situation. Usually because they've been caught by cos so have no choice

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 13/09/2022 21:17

*cms

OverTheRubicon · 14/09/2022 00:28

@Eeksteek I really hate competitive misery, and I completely agree it isn’t fair to put neat labels on people, but conflating actual lone parenting with single parenting of any level really invalidates lone parents.

That's the thing, you can be a single parent without being a lone parent. They're different challenges, but even 3 nights a week (which most certainly don't have) still doesn't save you from knowing that you alone are responsible for the rent, the dishwasher, your pension.

Otherwise it absolutely does become competitive misery. You mention being a lone parent but to one child.
What about someone who has 3 children, and has eow 'off', but spends it feeling sick with worry about what will happen if he loses his temper again? Or who has a 'co parent' who does 3 nights a week, and is paying his CMS, but it's £7 a week because he works sporadically and cash in hand - and uses the rich weeks to treat the kids to Legoland, and never to school shoes? Or one who immediately shacks up with their mistress and soon has 2 new DCs and a stepmum who says there's no space so the older kids now spend their night/s on blow up mattresses in the living room?

In the competitive misery stakes, these 'single parents' and their children are not necessarily better off than lone parents of one or two children without medical issues and with family support, or enough money to buy help.

Generally speaking, parenting in even a two parent family is too much pressure compared with traditional larger family structures. Doing it outside of a couple is another level of hard, and division only plays into the hands of people dying to talk about "welfare queens" and the deserving poor, instead of acknowledging and supporting families and children in tough circumstances.

BigYellowElephant · 14/09/2022 00:36

OverTheRubicon · 14/09/2022 00:28

@Eeksteek I really hate competitive misery, and I completely agree it isn’t fair to put neat labels on people, but conflating actual lone parenting with single parenting of any level really invalidates lone parents.

That's the thing, you can be a single parent without being a lone parent. They're different challenges, but even 3 nights a week (which most certainly don't have) still doesn't save you from knowing that you alone are responsible for the rent, the dishwasher, your pension.

Otherwise it absolutely does become competitive misery. You mention being a lone parent but to one child.
What about someone who has 3 children, and has eow 'off', but spends it feeling sick with worry about what will happen if he loses his temper again? Or who has a 'co parent' who does 3 nights a week, and is paying his CMS, but it's £7 a week because he works sporadically and cash in hand - and uses the rich weeks to treat the kids to Legoland, and never to school shoes? Or one who immediately shacks up with their mistress and soon has 2 new DCs and a stepmum who says there's no space so the older kids now spend their night/s on blow up mattresses in the living room?

In the competitive misery stakes, these 'single parents' and their children are not necessarily better off than lone parents of one or two children without medical issues and with family support, or enough money to buy help.

Generally speaking, parenting in even a two parent family is too much pressure compared with traditional larger family structures. Doing it outside of a couple is another level of hard, and division only plays into the hands of people dying to talk about "welfare queens" and the deserving poor, instead of acknowledging and supporting families and children in tough circumstances.

Agree with all of this

Hesma · 14/09/2022 06:38

I parent my kids single handedly 12days/14. Yes they see Dad 2 days a fortnight but I have no other help. My parents live 100 miles away so yes, I consider myself a single parent OP, sorry not sorry if that pisses you off

Paigeycakey · 14/09/2022 06:49

justusandmoo · 13/09/2022 20:36

Yes you are right. I'd never refer to myself as a single mum as I co-parent with my ExH and it's totally 50/50. I'd always say that I co parent.

My partners ex wife always refers to herself as a single parent even though their dad is very involved and they spend huge amounts of time with us. I find it quite strange and a bit of an insult to the parents who do actually parent completely alone x

Single parent is a term used though. It's not optional it's the correct term despite those that co parent they ARE a single parent. You will be asked on certain forms are you a single parent.....ect.

People on this thread are projecting their own situation even going as far to speak on CMS? Really ladies?

Since when did CMS become the equivalent of paying for all the school lunches, extra activities and make up for the lack of social life?

A big part of raising a child is dependent on your support network it isn't necessarily about the dad's as such. Some grandparents are a huge help. Does this make you not a single parent also?

There's some very narrow minded views and it's shocking even for MN.

Andromachehadabadday · 14/09/2022 06:54

OverTheRubicon · 14/09/2022 00:28

@Eeksteek I really hate competitive misery, and I completely agree it isn’t fair to put neat labels on people, but conflating actual lone parenting with single parenting of any level really invalidates lone parents.

That's the thing, you can be a single parent without being a lone parent. They're different challenges, but even 3 nights a week (which most certainly don't have) still doesn't save you from knowing that you alone are responsible for the rent, the dishwasher, your pension.

Otherwise it absolutely does become competitive misery. You mention being a lone parent but to one child.
What about someone who has 3 children, and has eow 'off', but spends it feeling sick with worry about what will happen if he loses his temper again? Or who has a 'co parent' who does 3 nights a week, and is paying his CMS, but it's £7 a week because he works sporadically and cash in hand - and uses the rich weeks to treat the kids to Legoland, and never to school shoes? Or one who immediately shacks up with their mistress and soon has 2 new DCs and a stepmum who says there's no space so the older kids now spend their night/s on blow up mattresses in the living room?

In the competitive misery stakes, these 'single parents' and their children are not necessarily better off than lone parents of one or two children without medical issues and with family support, or enough money to buy help.

Generally speaking, parenting in even a two parent family is too much pressure compared with traditional larger family structures. Doing it outside of a couple is another level of hard, and division only plays into the hands of people dying to talk about "welfare queens" and the deserving poor, instead of acknowledging and supporting families and children in tough circumstances.

100% agreeZ

I know a ‘solo’ parent whose own parents are heavily involved and have the kids sleep at their house between 4 and 8 nights every 4 weeks.

Thats more ‘nights off’ than some single parents, whose ex sees them EOW. They also pay for quite a lot for her because they can afford it. Again, more than a lot of people get in CMS.

So the term solo parent would technically be correct. It doesn’t communicate that she is the same as a solo parent who has no support at all. Even in solo parent there’s variations.

A label does not reflect how hard or easy someone has it and all set ups have their upsides and downsides.

Andromachehadabadday · 14/09/2022 06:55

And also Couples who are together ‘co-parent’ so that’s in an inaccurate term as well.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 14/09/2022 07:06

Apologies, I've not read all of the thread, only the first and last pages but has anyone also mentioned that even if it eow and CMS, in many, certainly my case, it's the lack of involvement in day to day parenting, the juggling of work, school run, activities with 2 or 3 DCs and one of you. It's the having to work out on your own how to approach the school about this or that problem , or how to handle a behaviour issue, or pick their secondary school. How to deal with the sibling issues, the teenage hormone twattyness. That's ALL on me and it's exhausting. He judges from afar but doesnt actually offer any help or input, even when directly asked. That's hard. There will be degrees of support in every family, single, coupled, blended. I'm not sure it's remotely helpful to start a competition about trying to grade who has it worst.

CousinKrispy · 14/09/2022 07:12

What is you have to keep co-parenting with an ex-partner who uses it as a continued opportunity to abuse and manipulate you? Does that count as enviable privilege?

I do agree that language on this could be more precise, and that lone parenting is incredibly tough, you have my sympathy!

CousinKrispy · 14/09/2022 07:12

*if not is dammit

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