‘Single parent’ status misrepresenting reality

[Rainycitydweller]

AIBU to be so infuriated by so called ‘single mums’ who actually co parent their child/children with a responsible ex partner , have more independence and less responsibility than cohabiting parents and a reliable maintenance payment every month but who wear their status when it suits to suggest they are someone how disadvantaged? Not only is it insulting and disrespectful to the invisible on SM etc co-parent, playing up to the connotation they are a bit shit or neglectful, but it also totally undermines actual lone parents (and their children)genuinely struggling to survive parenthood completely unsupported as well as any parents who have responsibility for their kids 24/7 with no weekends off etc ?
I appreciate co-parenting is not easy but it’s totally different to having sole responsibility in every way for your children.

If you're single parenting with an eow weekend ex and cm (no matter how small) you aren't lone parenting and I can see how fustrating it is for lone parents when SP say this as it's hard AF without the - I'm a lone parent apart from. It's also hard when your dc are upset about not having a dad.

If your sharing your dc and they have a shit weekend Disney dad it's also hard AF but it is a different hard to lone parenting. You might wish your ex wasn't in the picture. He may be actively damaging your dc and there isn't a lot you can do about it. It's hard but comparing yourself to a lone parent isn't any different to lone parents then army wives who compare themselves to single parents.

My best friend has a Disney dad ex. She gets frustrated about the dc being spoilt rotten by him. They don't want to go to bed at a reasonable time/eat vegetables etc and say things like - my daddy doesn't make me do this, he lets me stay up till he goes to bed. My daddy loves me more than you do, I want to live with daddy. They say this because their dad gives them everything they want and it takes a few days to go back to normal after their weekend. A horrible position to be in for anyone but it's not lone parenting. It's a different challenge.

@Paigeycakey Since when did CMS become the equivalent of paying for all the school lunches, extra activities and make up for the lack of social life?

46% of UK single mother families are living in poverty, more than twice the rate of 2 parent families -and many more are close to poverty, or might have tipped in with the current cost of living crisis. That's lone parents, but also a lot of 'coparents'.

Yet these threads are always full of women talking about their current partner's or lovely brother's evil/ grasping/ ungrateful ex. I wonder how they'd feel if the situation were switched, or if they actually had the full context.

I'd rather believe that most of these women are underinformed rather than just selfish enough to resent even the proportionally small amount of child support asked by CMS.

I’m so glad someone said this, as a lone parent who hasn’t had one single night to myself in 6 years it’s annoying to read “I only get eow off so I’m basically a lone parent” erm no you’re not! I would give my right arm for regular weekends to myself my dc are also very upset about not having a father involved and it’s really been hard for my dd who feels abandoned imagine your parent wanting nothing to do with you? So whilst a Disney dad might be annoying it’s not the same at all.

I'm a lone parent, he does pay maintenance through cms but has no contact with DC. I don't find it insulting. I don't get why it bothers people so much, it's not a race to the bottom.

^^this. Same boat. I do everything - always have. Even when he did see them for a Saturday/Sunday eow he never actually parented. Just took them out for trips etc. Any idiot can do that!

I think a "single parent" is also a very socially loaded term in the UK. I had people telling me that I am not a single parent because I have a degree, a good job and a mortgage, I am just a divorced mother.

Totally agree...it makes no sense because they ARE single parents and no one's situation is exactly the same anyway. You don't have to be all alone in a dark room with only a crust of bread to be defined as a single parent.

As for the 'I'm basically a single parent' comments - yes, those are definitely annoying!

But not all parents in relationships have it easier - there are partners who don't help and are like a second child, or even those who are unpleasant/abusive.

Equally, some on this thread seem to be imagining that when the dads are involved they are good-naturedly providing all required maintenance and nights off - when it reality it can be abusive texts, constant arguments, threats, court involvement, not paying, refusing to see the kids on a planned schedule/not showing up, etc etc.

From my experience of both having the dad involved and doing it completely on my own inc no maintenance, doing it on my own has so far been MUCH more pleasant and less stressful.

@SpinningFloppa yup. I'm not a lone parent. My dc spend 98% of their time with me (although in the past they have done eow but they're older now and have their own lives) I get adhoc money for school uniforms or college clothes. They get birthday, Christmas presents and they go for days out. Usually the cinema so he doesn't have to actively engage with them. I do all of the parenting and thinking around them. But I'm not a lone parent. In an emergency he would be there. Lone parents don't have any of that.

To clarify my point slightly, I have no issue with the use of single parent, at all. If you don’t live with a partner, you’re a single parent, even if you have good support, and it’s hard.

What I am saying is that lone parenting is another level. That you can’t understand it unless you have done it. And what I am seeing confirms that. People who have no ‘apart from’ get it. People who have support want to minimise it, and expect the same from lone parents as single parents, and that’s unfair. It is it not the same. As a rule (and there are overlaps and exceptions) I have fewer resources. Even the smallest ‘apart from’ is something to hold out for. It’s like being rich. Even if you try, you can’t really experience poverty, because you know that this isn’t for ever. That’s the difference. The ‘apart from’ means it’s not for ever. There is, however small, some respite.

I am not saying it’s the hardest thing in the world, it’s not. There are plenty of people who have it harder than me. And I can acknowledge that and feel for those people - declare them worthy of sympathy, validation and help - without comparing them to my own challenges, whether better or worse. There are also of plenty of people better off than me, who still have valid problems. When single parents have problems, I try to help if I can. If I can’t, I try to listen and empathise. I don’t invalidate them by saying ‘plenty of people manage’ or ‘at least your husband didn’t die’ or ‘some people in your situation have more/more disabled children than you, you know’. Despite that sort of thing being repeatedly expressed to me, as a lone parent either directly or (more often) by holding me to same standards and expectations as single parent, and finding me wanting when they are more challenging for me. It’s frustrating to be expected by society to participate at the same level as people with more resources, and to thought weak in character when you don’t.

I also sincerely hope that people who don’t get it because they haven’t experienced it, don’t have it happen to them. I just wish they’d acknowledge that their experience isn’t mine, and they don’t get it

To all the lone parents (I'm getting my tin hat ready) who complain they haven't had any time off in X years...that's on you...you can get time off by putting your child in a childcare placement /holiday club and having the day to yourself, or you can hire a babysitter for the day/evening and go out, I'm not quite seeing this whole 'I've had no time off and would give my right arm/leg/other body part for X amount of time off' unless it's been a choice.
If you are talking about mentally not having a day off, then I think you will find you have a lot in common with single parents.

No harm to you and I wasn't a lone parent but a single parent - where's the money coming from for that? I couldn't have afforded to pay for that.

@bbcdefg so are you saying that the difference between single parenting and lone parenting is a financial one? People are given (depending on circumstances) free hours of childcare from age of 2 and are also given tax credits/UC against childcare costs so that's one source.

Also councils give holiday club credits during the summer (not quite sure how it works, I've never received them but I know other people that do)

I always describe myself as a lone parent for that reason. I've got a friend who is a single parent who often comments on how hard it is, but she has an ex DH who takes her DD 2-3 days a week, a full and busy social life and grandparents who provide all her childcare for free. Which is very different to my situation. I'm completely alone with my DS, have no social life and have to pay most of my wages out on childcare.

I can see what you mean.

I think lone parent and co-parents are probably better choices.

What happens when they meet a new partner? Do they stay lone parents even though they have the support of their partner (even though they aren't related to children?)

I guess it's all a bit messy. But I get why it matters to those in the thick of it.

I had something similar when I was a SAHM. I had my kids all day everyday during the day, then after bedtime I would go to my evening job. I counted myself a SAHM as I was with them every hour they were awake with no childcare (or much family support). I got told I wasn't a SAHM because I had a part time evening job. It doesn't really matter, but I still felt it was crazy.

Childcare costs to a registered childcare provider. Not for ad hoc babysitting (certainly not that I could ever find or access). Holiday clubs around here were crap for working parents. 10-3 and there was no discount for single or lone parents, or for multiple children. I tried believe me! School holidays were a nightmare.

Plus certainly on tax credits you don't get all your childcare costs covered.

I am not and never will be a co-parent. At best, I parallel parent, but even that is misleading as it would imply that their Dad has parented through the good and bad times of DCs lives rather than fucking off when it gets a bit difficult.

Unfortunately that only applies if your child doesn’t have a disability meaning they can’t go to these places my dd does which means she can’t attend these clubs, she also isn’t able to attend school atm so she is at home full time, but she couldn’t attend these clubs as she requires 1:1 support which they don’t provide, and anyway having a couple of hours break is not the same as weekends nights etc to yourself which is why I specifically said that I’ve never had a night to myself, babysitters aren’t an option either due to disability.

Like all these things, it's a sliding scale if you look too deep into it. If you can't call yourself a single parent if thre is a coparent, at what point can you? When your ex doesn't pay maitenance? When he/she doesn't share their care equally, or 40% or 25% or 2%? When they don't reply to any of your texts? Or only some? Or do they have to absent or dead to "qualify" as a single parent.

i think the tem single parent is ok, especially as there are other terms (like lone parent) to differentiate. It's literally a parent who is single.

I would find it weirder to be used by somone in a new relationship where the new partner played the act of a parent to the child. Then I would find it very odd to describe yourself as a single parent.

@SpinningFloppa that must be really tough and as the parent you would know far more than me about any help that would be available to you in your circumstances. I disagree however with weekend nights being different...a break is a break

A few hours is the same as a weekend to yourself? Ok then....... no she isn’t entitled to any help, the clubs specified that they do NOT provide 1:1 support. So therefore she cannot attend she requires a 30 hour 1:1 at school every day.

@SpinningFloppa with that level of support you would think that there would be some level of charity/government financial or respite support for yourself wouldn't you? Sucks if there isn't.

She gets dla are you suggesting that’s anywhere near enough to pay a 1:1 support worker? I also get £70 a week for being her full time carer 😏 she couldn’t handle the clubs with the amount of children and the level of noise she is prone to aggressive outbursts, she wasn’t even able to be in her class room because of this and spent 10% of her time in class but I’m not even going to waste my time you obviously have no idea what it’s like to have a disabled child and how it’s not as simple as “just put them in a holiday club then you get a break!” Gee why didn’t I think of that 🙄

Exactly! A single parent can get more support from family or parents than a co-parent would ever get from their ex partners.
Also single parents get financial support from the government.
I am not sure co-parenting mothers are much better off as the OP claims. OP seems to take her frustration with other suffering women which is just so wrong! Talking about sisterhood and being on Mumsnet, just awful and makes me so sad that women actually think that way
The OP is the only single mother in the world, hats off to her 🤣