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Original poster

To feel this isn’t appropriate?

176 replies

Acrosstheseas · 12/09/2022 22:07

I was speaking to someone I don’t know very well, only an acquaintance. But she shocked me when she told me this.
She said her and her husband have a girlfriend they share and they’ve explained to their young children that some relationships include more than 2 people…

I’m trying hard not to be judgemental, but does anyone else find this inappropriate?

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 13/09/2022 12:45

Snugglemonkey · 12/09/2022 22:23

This really is nothing to do with you!

All the more reason they probably shouldn't be blabbing off about it to people they don't really know.

Relevanceiskey · 13/09/2022 12:46

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/09/2022 12:45

Right so your 15/16 year old comes home and tells you their boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on them then suggested that they all just share eachother. Or that their boyfriend/girlfriend suggested a threesome or to let their friends have a go/join in, it would certainly feel for me to be incredibly difficult to explain about coercion/peer pressure/ porn fantasy/the importance of protection etc if I was shacked up with 2 others who took turns in which room they spend the night.

Would a 16 year old even have the language or the understanding to know the difference.

So long as you are teaching your child about consent it shouldn't matter.

mam0918 · 13/09/2022 12:46

I have a friend thats always been sexually wild, shes married with 3 kids now but they doing swingers parties, open relationship, cuckold and all sorts... they absoloutly do NOT bring their children into any part of it though.

I think the issue here isn't two concenting adult having a 3 way (not my thing but also not hurting anyone) its that they are forcing this person onto their children.

Its hard enough introducing a new person who is dating a parent after a relationship break down, it requires extremely gentle hand, time and finesse to balance it and do it properly and make sure the child comes first.

Bring people who are not parents or in any parental role who are just essentually just a sex extention to keep the relationship fresh for the parents into these kids lives as a 'girlfriend' lacks any of the above and is unnecaserily is unfair.

LongLivedQueen · 13/09/2022 12:48

So long as you are teaching your child about consent it shouldn't matter

And are you asking if they consent to having an unrelated person living in or hanging around their house? Or is their consent not relevant.

Redqueenheart · 13/09/2022 12:50

Actually this makes me angry.

These people can choose polyamory if they want to but for goodness sake why would they need to share this with their kids?

Selfish and idiotic.

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/09/2022 12:52

So long as you are teaching your child about consent it shouldn't matter

Course it matters fgs. People do stupid things or go through with things they don't want to do if they are afraid of losing someone. You also have to trust that all the people involved are using condoms /protection. How many of us got that one right 100 percent of the time as adults let alone as a teen.

Eeksteek · 13/09/2022 12:57

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/09/2022 22:55

‘A girlfriend they share’….sort of like a pizza, then?

The thing that bothers me is that it doesn’t seem like an equal status relationship. I suppose it might be, as UK law doesn’t allow for three way marriage. I’m happy with polygamy so long as all parties consent to it (first, not have it foisted on them without a choice, or to accept an affair or split. That’s trying to validate an affair and should be treated as such). But it seems like a very poor balance of power and the possibility for problems (especially with children involved) seems high.

But children knowing polygamy is a thing, and can be practiced (with appropriate boundaries) doesn’t seem an issue. It’s not Sharing a sexual preference, in my view, any more than a child knowing parents are gay would be, so long as it’s respectful and the balance of power is equal. I’m definitely not polygamous - I think my preference might be no relationship at all (does that have a name?!) and no one would have an issue with me sharing that with children, would they? Takes all sorts, but abuse of power isn’t acceptable whatever you call it.

EBearhug · 13/09/2022 13:07

Would a homosexual man not be allowed to bring his boyfriend to the family Sunday roast because that would be him shoving his sexual preference in his nephews face?

That would absolutely be the case in a lot of families. There's still plenty of homophobia around.

Someone upthread mentioned that sexuality isn't a choice. If that's so, should they have to hide half themselves just because they have children?

If the girlfriend is round their house a lot, or lives with them, they'd have to say something to the children, so why not the truth? They don't have to go into details about how they make it work in the bedroom.

LongLivedQueen · 13/09/2022 13:11

Again, please stop using the gays as your battering ram, its really offensive.

Fingeronthebutton · 13/09/2022 13:12

Someone’s getting their kicks out of your reply’s. 🤨

DarkShade · 13/09/2022 13:14

People in polyamorous relationship are not ashamed of those relationships. Of course they explained it to their children, that is that their family is like. Most parents presumably at some point explain to their children that some families have step parents, some have mummy and daddy live together, some parents got married before children and some didn't, some have ex spouses, some have one parent, some have two mummies.... "Some have multiple partners" is just an extension of this. If your family or family friends have this structure of course you would explain it.

justaladyLOL · 13/09/2022 13:17

"Disgusting. And there aren't many threesomes where 3/3 people are genuinely happy."
How do you know?
As for disgusting who are you to judge
I assume you have no problem with gay people but feel free to judge pothers lives who are not the same as you are
Not very liberal are you
You need to understand that people have the right to be different from you

altmember · 13/09/2022 13:20

I think it depends - if it's true polyamory and they're having a proper 3 way emotional relationship then fine to explain that to the kids. If the gf is just a sexual plaything for them (which your description makes it sound like), then not appropriate to tell young kids.

SunnieShine · 13/09/2022 13:23

Funny how its always one man and two women...

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/09/2022 13:33

It's not a sexuality. It's a kink IMO. And I don't think kinks should be shared with children.

I don't think they should be shared with impressionable teens either - girls are being pressured into all manner of things and now we want to add 'allowing your boyfriend to have another girlfriend' into the mix? I don't think so. Kinks should only be explored once a sexual relationship with strong boundaries and communication has been established.

I don't have a problem with it in theory (not the sharing, I don't think that should happen). In practice I'm not sure it's ever possible (outside of maybe a gay/lesbian relationship) to have equal levels of power within a 3 or more way relationship. It's hard enough with groups of friends - add in sex and I genuinely don't know how it's possible.

Eeksteek · 13/09/2022 13:34

SunnieShine · 13/09/2022 13:23

Funny how its always one man and two women...

Yep. Power.

EBearhug · 13/09/2022 13:34

And are you asking if they consent to having an unrelated person living in or hanging around their house? Or is their consent not relevant.

But we don't know they didn't ask.

DarkShade · 13/09/2022 13:38

Thinking about it more - the people that don't like it, do you not like that they share the girlfriend? If they each had their own girlfriend would it be ok to tell the children?

Carrie Jenkins is an academic in a polyamorous marriage who has written a couple of books about it. Her and her husband have other relationships outside the marriage, and it seems she is the one who has more long term relationships outside of the marriage, against the "it's always the man with multiple women" myth. Presumably if they had kids, they would tell them.

Interview here:
www.google.com/amp/s/www.vox.com/platform/amp/conversations/2017/2/23/14684236/monogamy-valentines-day-polyamory-marriage-love

girlfriend44 · 13/09/2022 13:40

It's not inappropriate for them. They won't worry what you think.

Catapultaway · 13/09/2022 13:54

LongLivedQueen · 13/09/2022 12:48

So long as you are teaching your child about consent it shouldn't matter

And are you asking if they consent to having an unrelated person living in or hanging around their house? Or is their consent not relevant.

That reminds me, I forgot I invited some friends round for lunch at the weekend and haven't asked my 3 year old for his consent yet

Should I cancel or risk it?

Oh no, wait, I'm the parent and it's my house.

Soubriquet · 13/09/2022 14:10

Why on earth are people saying it’s perverse for children to know?! It’s not like I’m having sex in front of my kids.

They are growing up knowing relationships are different. That parents can be two women. Two men. More than 2 people in a relationship. And single parents too.

ChagSameachDoreen · 13/09/2022 14:16

Snugglemonkey · 12/09/2022 22:23

This really is nothing to do with you!

Well it is when it's shared with her!

oldperson1 · 13/09/2022 14:20

Did you ask her why she felt the need to share something pretty private with someone she doesn’t know that well?

Bananasareformonkeys · 13/09/2022 14:28

It's about love. Why is it not ok to love others? Actively what the general assumption here is that this person has shared anything about their sex life with a stranger. They haven't. In fact less than you would do when introducing the parent of your child, who you are then advertising the fact that at some point you have had sex with them. The average family no longer looks like a man and a woman with two kids, a housewife and dinner on the table at 5 o clock. Catch up mumsnet 🤦 You can love more than one person consensually, you can be open about that love, and it doesn't have to include three way sex on the dinner table. In fact, the assumption that they are both dating that person and subsequently having threesomes came from people here. What they do in their home is their business. Those kids will be open minded, accepting and respectful - because they'll have been taught you don't have to be a cis straight white male to go through life without judgement.

Catapultaway · 13/09/2022 14:28

oldperson1 · 13/09/2022 14:20

Did you ask her why she felt the need to share something pretty private with someone she doesn’t know that well?

Exactly! I only tell my best and closest friends I'm married. And only after I've known them for at least 3 years.