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Original poster

It’s my ILs…. Again. Serious advice needed

159 replies

Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:20

So you may remember me from my previous threads and my almost farcical situation with my IL. Feel free to search my UN to pull them up, can’t work out how to link them…

but we’ve got another one now…

brief overview DH is British Pakistani, I’m the ‘wrong kind’ of Asian. 3 kids. FIL has 2 ‘wives’ islamically, in legal terms one wife (mil) and one mistress/ side chick or whatever SMIL. Long and short is, never wanted to marry MIL, married her, knocked her up, and dumped her here. Paid her pitance to live on, and made DH when he was 16 financially provide for her and the household. She speaks no English and has made no effort to. There’s a lot of backstory but she’s not as innocent as my synopsis makes her seem and has been very very cruel to me for years. FIL has now refused to pay for MIL, DH can’t as it’s an extra £700 pcm. She now signs on, that in itself was a battle. She has all her faculties. The house was bought cheap at auction (15k in the 90s) is in quite a bad state of repair but is habitable, (for now) I’m sorry there’s probably more detail but it’s in the other threads.

so the issue now is, dh goes around, we had covid so he’s not visited for 2 weeks and she’s just let the house go in to a state of ruin apparently. Bathroom full of black mould. I pressed dh on this as all that can’t happen in 2 weeks from what he’d said he’d not used the loo there for a while, probably months. Christ knows what happened. He said he could smell damp, and went in the front room and the plaster is crumbling away from the wall by the window, damp and he said the floor boards under foot were very creaky, I’m worried that they’ve rotted due to damp. The damp in the front room has been an issue for a while, dh managed to get FIL to send builders around to fix it and she sent them away as she didn’t want FIL to spend on it but wanted DH too, he couldn’t afford it.

but now FIL is saying he can’t afford to keep her anymore, hence the signing on, there’s no chance he’ll pay for any of the work and we can’t afford to, realistically 10k minimum probably more.

ive looked at the La to see if they have grants for this and they do for insulation but not for damp repair.

we can’t afford to keep her, for my mental health I can’t have her move in here, we also don’t have the space and she’s deeply traumatised one of my children in a past incident.

how on earth can we get around this? As mean as she is at points, and as abusive as she’s been to myself and DH, it’s no way to live.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

OP posts:
CactusBlossom · 12/09/2022 20:26

Citizens Advice Bureau.

GeologyBedRock · 12/09/2022 20:28

Speak to adult social care they will explain what help might be available. State that she is abusive to you and you will not house her or get involved in her finances but that she is extremely vulnerable. She will be entitled to an interpreter and help to apply for benefits. If her house is genuinely uninhabitable then council may rehouse her (although likely in a b and b/hostel situation) or they may do the work and put a charge on her house to get money back if it is ever sold/goes into probate.

I haven't read you previous threads. However if she has all her wits about her and no disability assuming she is of working age she will be expected to learn English and work.

If she is of pensionable age she may need to check if she can get state pension if she was getting child benefit that should give her some years national insurance.

Hope this is somewhat helpful. Good luck

SuperCamp · 12/09/2022 20:29

Is she still married to FIL?

Ideally she needs to divorce him and get a financial settlement. But I dare say she won’t.

LexMitior · 12/09/2022 20:30

The clue is in "she wanted DH to do it".

When is she asked to move in with you, or ask for money to do the work? Unless this woman is crippled she could clean her bathroom and if she has some self interest, she could have taken the builders in.

She didn't think. Think carefully on that one.

PermanentTemporary · 12/09/2022 20:31

Oh God what a nightmare.

Tbh every thought I have runs into the 'she's not going to want to do that' wall. And that's the problem. You can't run somebody else's life.

(For info the first thought was suggesting that she divorce FIL and get a financial settlement; the next that she sells the house for whatever she can get to a developer and goes into rented housing).

My dad went into council housing for a while as a vulnerable older man. He hated it, it was a total humiliation to him. It was in such an unbelievable mess, barely habitable. I think your MIL is doing the same, she is expressing her feelings by the way she is living. I'm not sure there is anything you can do.

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:32

SuperCamp · 12/09/2022 20:29

Is she still married to FIL?

Ideally she needs to divorce him and get a financial settlement. But I dare say she won’t.

She is yeah, sorry I should have said In the OP she’s repeatedly refused to, and said to DH he should sell our house to fund her living.

admittedly there is a social stigma amongst the older Asian generation around divorced women, and due to generations of consanguinity a lot of her social network is his family

OP posts:
Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:34

LexMitior · 12/09/2022 20:30

The clue is in "she wanted DH to do it".

When is she asked to move in with you, or ask for money to do the work? Unless this woman is crippled she could clean her bathroom and if she has some self interest, she could have taken the builders in.

She didn't think. Think carefully on that one.

This is what I think too, I’ve done some reading on mold types (glam as ever) and black mould seems to be from lack of ventilation, so not having the window open when showering or airing the room?

yeah she wanted her son with at the time 2 young children to fund the repairs rather than her husband (a successful small business owner at the time)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:38

sorry to drip feed, she owns the house in joint name with dh because he was afraid she’d sign it over randomly to a relative if she had it entirely. She’s done that kind of thing before given away the 3 piece suite to a relative because they ‘needed it’ and then expected dh to buy a new one, even though the one she gave away was a few years old, so new.

shes quite young, late 50s/ v early 60s. Is completely illiterate, can’t count, won’t take public transport etc etc

OP posts:
Isaidnoalready · 12/09/2022 20:43

So he owns half the house?

Unfortunately he needs to do basic maintenance then

Contact adult social services see if they will do an assessment on her it might shake her into doing something rather than her acting helpless

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:47

Isaidnoalready · 12/09/2022 20:43

So he owns half the house?

Unfortunately he needs to do basic maintenance then

Contact adult social services see if they will do an assessment on her it might shake her into doing something rather than her acting helpless

He has and did, new bathroom, kitchen etc, this bathroom is max 6/7 years old. She’s just letting it get ruined, I’m not even sure how.

OP posts:
WoopsIdiditagain1 · 12/09/2022 20:47

Treat the mould. I used near white wine vinegar to treat mine. Bleach also works really well but smells more. But here are some treatment options.

homesteading.com/ways-kill-black-mold/

I would also vax the carpets. But I would do these now because you'll be able to open the windows and air the place out.

I would buy 2 dehumidifiers one for upstairs and 1 for down.

Then once its under control you can use anti mould additive or paint to decorate.

I had water dripping off my bedroom ceiling mould all over the wall (north facing and no insulation). I had a newborn and needed it delt with ASAP. This was the quickest and most cost effective way.

katkit · 12/09/2022 20:52

Could you sell the house and move her into a cheaper flat?

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:53

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 12/09/2022 20:47

Treat the mould. I used near white wine vinegar to treat mine. Bleach also works really well but smells more. But here are some treatment options.

homesteading.com/ways-kill-black-mold/

I would also vax the carpets. But I would do these now because you'll be able to open the windows and air the place out.

I would buy 2 dehumidifiers one for upstairs and 1 for down.

Then once its under control you can use anti mould additive or paint to decorate.

I had water dripping off my bedroom ceiling mould all over the wall (north facing and no insulation). I had a newborn and needed it delt with ASAP. This was the quickest and most cost effective way.

I think there must be water coming in from somewhere, through the facade of the house or something too.

its covering the plastic on the shower, the toilet seat, the back of the door all the grouting etc, she’s said she’s tried to remove it but can’t

no idea how to fix the front room, I think it’s a leak that’s caused it, coming from outside in

OP posts:
Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:55

katkit · 12/09/2022 20:52

Could you sell the house and move her into a cheaper flat?

Unlikely, the state of the property is poor, the house in truth would probably be worth less than a one bed flat and then I think she might ruin that too and the cycle starts again 😭

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2022 20:59

Your husband sells the home, gives his mother her half, and then she's on her own. If your husband wants to help her he can, but I fail to understand why you would have any involvement in this, given your history with her.

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:08

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2022 20:59

Your husband sells the home, gives his mother her half, and then she's on her own. If your husband wants to help her he can, but I fail to understand why you would have any involvement in this, given your history with her.

I think on the auction market the house would fetch £50k, dh only has his name on the house to basically protect her, so she can’t be coerced into giving it away or signing it over to FIL (SMIL wanted it for one of her kids).

my involvement is just be proxy, worried for dh as the stress is impacting him. Dh just can’t financially support without landing us in debt

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 21:09

Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:38

sorry to drip feed, she owns the house in joint name with dh because he was afraid she’d sign it over randomly to a relative if she had it entirely. She’s done that kind of thing before given away the 3 piece suite to a relative because they ‘needed it’ and then expected dh to buy a new one, even though the one she gave away was a few years old, so new.

shes quite young, late 50s/ v early 60s. Is completely illiterate, can’t count, won’t take public transport etc etc

I've never really understood the reluctance to integrate. I can't imagine moving to a foreign country and refusing to learn the language but expecting other people to do everything for me. With her current attitude she has a bit of a cheek expecting other people to sell their homes to fund her life. What about offering to sell her house to get a smaller place or pay for her return to Pakistan if she's so clearly unhappy? If it's not solely her property they surely she needs telling that she doesn't get to send builders away and needs to stop interfering if she wants help? Realistically I think we both know nothing is going to change. You usually find people like this stay in decaying properties falling apart around them until they end up with serious health implications which either force them to deal with the situation or lead to an early death. You rarely see a positive outcome with people who actively refuse to help themselves and expect everyone else around them to resolve their problems.

PersonaNonGarter · 12/09/2022 21:12

Would return to Pakistan? Half of the house money might go quite a long way there?

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:14

LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 21:09

I've never really understood the reluctance to integrate. I can't imagine moving to a foreign country and refusing to learn the language but expecting other people to do everything for me. With her current attitude she has a bit of a cheek expecting other people to sell their homes to fund her life. What about offering to sell her house to get a smaller place or pay for her return to Pakistan if she's so clearly unhappy? If it's not solely her property they surely she needs telling that she doesn't get to send builders away and needs to stop interfering if she wants help? Realistically I think we both know nothing is going to change. You usually find people like this stay in decaying properties falling apart around them until they end up with serious health implications which either force them to deal with the situation or lead to an early death. You rarely see a positive outcome with people who actively refuse to help themselves and expect everyone else around them to resolve their problems.

Show quote history

I agree and I think in part it will be done to martyr herself as we saw with sofagate.

DH would be at work and to say he pushed and pushed FIL to pay for the works and send someone out (it’s his Islamic responsibility) would be an understatement, and he got 3 builders out and she sent them all away. Said she didn’t want her husband to pay, but wanted her son. Nothing more came of it then

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2022 21:14

Dh just can’t financially support without landing us in debt

That's why the house needs to be sold and then your MIL can sort out her own arrangements.

LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 21:15

PersonaNonGarter · 12/09/2022 21:12

Would return to Pakistan? Half of the house money might go quite a long way there?

That's what I'm thinking currency wise. She could probably live very comfortably for the rest of her life.

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:16

PersonaNonGarter · 12/09/2022 21:12

Would return to Pakistan? Half of the house money might go quite a long way there?

The social stigma for dh would be awful, she obviously would play up to that. She’s said to dh that he might as well send her back to Pakistan, such was her aversion to getting off her arse and going to the job centre twice a month

OP posts:
Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:17

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2022 21:14

Dh just can’t financially support without landing us in debt

That's why the house needs to be sold and then your MIL can sort out her own arrangements.

She’s incapable of making her own arrangements, completely incapable, she wouldn’t understand, she didn’t have a bank account until 2 weeks ago and she kicked off about getting one too

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 21:20

Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:14

I agree and I think in part it will be done to martyr herself as we saw with sofagate.

DH would be at work and to say he pushed and pushed FIL to pay for the works and send someone out (it’s his Islamic responsibility) would be an understatement, and he got 3 builders out and she sent them all away. Said she didn’t want her husband to pay, but wanted her son. Nothing more came of it then

Show quote history

Sadly it does seem she's working against you. You could say she's choosing to remain in this situation in that respect. The tools are there to do something about it but she's actively preventing it. What does it really matter who pays the builders? What about doing a sworn deal with FIL where he pays but she thinks you guys paid for it? It's a tough one and I've seen more than one property end up like this.

Petronus · 12/09/2022 21:20

If she’s over 55 could she get in to some over 55 sheltered accommodation? You sell the house and use the profit to pay her rent until it runs out. This may impact her getting benefits, but again, maybe just get her into somewhere more suitable and run the money down until housing/benefits kick in? Not ideal but may be more suitable for her to be in a small rental.