It’s my ILs…. Again. Serious advice needed

[Lillonely]

So you may remember me from my previous threads and my almost farcical situation with my IL. Feel free to search my UN to pull them up, can’t work out how to link them…

but we’ve got another one now…

brief overview DH is British Pakistani, I’m the ‘wrong kind’ of Asian. 3 kids. FIL has 2 ‘wives’ islamically, in legal terms one wife (mil) and one mistress/ side chick or whatever SMIL. Long and short is, never wanted to marry MIL, married her, knocked her up, and dumped her here. Paid her pitance to live on, and made DH when he was 16 financially provide for her and the household. She speaks no English and has made no effort to. There’s a lot of backstory but she’s not as innocent as my synopsis makes her seem and has been very very cruel to me for years. FIL has now refused to pay for MIL, DH can’t as it’s an extra £700 pcm. She now signs on, that in itself was a battle. She has all her faculties. The house was bought cheap at auction (15k in the 90s) is in quite a bad state of repair but is habitable, (for now) I’m sorry there’s probably more detail but it’s in the other threads.

so the issue now is, dh goes around, we had covid so he’s not visited for 2 weeks and she’s just let the house go in to a state of ruin apparently. Bathroom full of black mould. I pressed dh on this as all that can’t happen in 2 weeks from what he’d said he’d not used the loo there for a while, probably months. Christ knows what happened. He said he could smell damp, and went in the front room and the plaster is crumbling away from the wall by the window, damp and he said the floor boards under foot were very creaky, I’m worried that they’ve rotted due to damp. The damp in the front room has been an issue for a while, dh managed to get FIL to send builders around to fix it and she sent them away as she didn’t want FIL to spend on it but wanted DH too, he couldn’t afford it.

but now FIL is saying he can’t afford to keep her anymore, hence the signing on, there’s no chance he’ll pay for any of the work and we can’t afford to, realistically 10k minimum probably more.

ive looked at the La to see if they have grants for this and they do for insulation but not for damp repair.

we can’t afford to keep her, for my mental health I can’t have her move in here, we also don’t have the space and she’s deeply traumatised one of my children in a past incident.

how on earth can we get around this? As mean as she is at points, and as abusive as she’s been to myself and DH, it’s no way to live.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

I know it was suggested in last thread did you or DH have any luck with any charities dealing with forced a marriage or womens aid specifically targeted at her community I think a few were linked. I recall her story was low iq/no education and married to a relative (fil) and shipped over here at 16, left pregnant and then abandoned for 2nd ‘wife’ and financially abandoned. So even though it’s 40 years plus on she’s a victim of forced marriage.
I know DH has tried in past with iman and negotiations, I wonder if worth a try again. Old Generation may have died, younger may be more amenable?

I’m not sure if wear and tear counts to make a claim especially if it’s through neglect?

Whilst true, if she she refuses help there is little LA can actually do unless it's a wider public health issue [and limited if there is]. The amount of grief I got from someone's neighbour who didn't see why anyone who neglected themselves had any right not to be forcibly removed from their home...

I called them and explained her situation, and it’s frighteningly common with Asian women of that age, the bind is she doesn’t want help and most certainly wouldn’t accept it from outside agencies.

FIL knows his obligations but ultimately doesn’t care, and that’s what it comes down to. It’s our parents generation that the issue lies with anyone that would fall into the bracket of ‘boomer’ haha and they’re still going strong my generation tend to be far more progressive in terms of thought, so there’s hope for the future but I do think it’s when it’s this ‘boomer’ generation does out and their attitudes die with them

It is against the law to 'rehome' someone without their consent. And no, just because someone may have a LD/aged does not mean they can't make this decision.
Social Services is not an animal rehoming shelter and older/disabled people are not puppies.

Someone asked what she wants and why she’s doing this, i think utopia for her would be we move into her house or better yet we buy a bigger house (that she’s chose obviously) in the area she wants and she moves in and doesn’t pay for anything and she gets her second innings and gets to play the revered role of grandmother in the communities eyes

Might be worth trying Turn2us website for possible charities that may be willing to help financially?

What about her returning to Pakistan to help look after an ageing family member / help childmind someone's DC/ cook and clean for someone for her keep.

Thanks @Neome, that’s really helpful! She may well have some condition I don’t really know, I’m truth I don’t think she’s been exposed to all the usual channels where this sort of thing would be picked up and it’s hard to tell what’s put on and what’s real with her. She could definitely benefit from one sort of assessment, this is where adult social services would come in handy. I do think though that she’d end up being ‘dumped’ on us, sadly we’ve had that with a former friend who’s husband was abusing their children, social services just dumped them on us

I can’t see any mileage in persuading her to go to Pakistan. She’s not lived there for 40 plus years and doesn’t have close relatives there. She’s been a slave for his family as a girl I recall then married into that family when she was a teen. I think there was a passport/citizenship issue too (she wasn’t a British citizen as paperwork not filed?)
From previous thread mil was living happily in her community able to shop and socialise no need for any English.

she actually doesn’t really know how to look after children, watching her with them, she can’t interact with them. Thing is she wouldn’t want to go, there is no one there for her, she even if there was she wouldn’t do it because it’s not the cultural way, it’s hard to understand but how it is (and obviously it’s bullshit) is that the youngest or only son bares the responsibility for the parents, but then it’s really his wife that looks after them. So when a woman gets married, she in essence has ‘left the family’ according to them, so she would, if she was ‘unlucky’ enough (in an arranged/ forced scenario) to have married the youngest son she would then become the unpaid carer/skivvy for her in laws. This is often incredibly abusive. MIL married the middle son, so she filled the role for a short period of time. DH GP sound like they were real pieces of work. I’ve digressed. But basically she doesn’t want to go back to Pakistan (healthcare, safety, housing) all of that is better here, even if it’s not great here

I think she has to take on some responsibility for her home and for herself. I'd wait until she actually says yes, to her husband helping her. Nothing you can do until then. Her son cannot be expected to pay for anything, expecially in this financial climate. He will have to refer any financial problems to his dad, because he does have a duty of care towards her. Would it be better to sell the house, with her husband's permission. Use the money to buy a home near her family in Pakistan?

I do sympathise op. It must be like a ticking time bomb. You are worried house will become uninhabitable/she’ll have no income and your DH will be pressured to be a good son, meanwhile fil lives wife 2nd ‘wife’ quite happily.
My mil is in a house falling down around her she can’t afford to repair or heat. She could sell and buy something suitable but won’t. We have suggested various things but at end of day it’s their decision. It’s always there though and causes my DH a lot of stress.

Sometimes I just want to shake DH, I’m quite cross with him that when she sent the builders away he didn’t force it, that she’s not been made to sign on and better her life (even against her will) until now. They just don’t seem to grasp the gravity of not being able to speak the language at all, no one is around her 24/7 there is always the possibility that she could have an accident, a serious one and would be unable to call for help, a fire, a break in.

i just want to get this sorted and for him to draw a line in the sand as to whether maintaining a relationship with these people is the best thing for him. He’d never cut off his mother. Ultimately I think in time I want to move away, I’m so grateful we don’t live around them but he needs to decide about his family, going NC is huge (especially with the weight of all this culture shit) he has to be at complete peace with the situation. So first he needs some solid boundaries. He’s having counselling to help him work through basically the trauma

White people must be the only ones who pay taxes then. Good to know. All of my years of paying tax as a brown person must have been a figment of my imagination. 🤔

The signing on for benefits after all these years is a huge step. Presumably they have given her an advisor she can speak to and understand. Is it worth DH going to appointments with her and seeing what other services advisor could help her access. Making clear that he can’t support her/pay for repairs at the house. I’m imagining a scenario where she’s told advisor a tale of my son supports me no need for housing advice etc.

What a horrible post.

Why should she go back to Pakistan? She was basically brought to England as a slave/unwanted bride and now you want her to back to a country where she has no one and no means to support herself?

She is a British Citizen, it's her husband and in laws you should be annoyed at.

Do you really have no sympathy for this women who has been confined, treated like a vessel to birth a child? Isn't it understandable that she clings to what is familiar to her, rather than rock up to her local pub and have a pint with the locals?

She has capacity. You need to leave her to it. You can't fix this for her and you risk ruining your health, mental and otherwise, trying to get her to do what she needs to do.

My FIL lived with us until his death. It's something we all wanted, but it wasn't easy. Don't do it if it's something you don't want to do.

All these suggestions of MIL being sent to Pakistan. There is currently extreme poverty and hardship in Pakistan. Cost of living has gone up significantly and people are starving and dying because they can not provide for their families or themselves.

The money from selling her home won't last long. It is very expensive to live in Pakistan comfortably unless you are being supported by people who can provide means for you or give you something to get by.

Whilst I agree sending her back to Pakistan isn’t really an option for numerous reasons, primarily she doesn’t want to. Just to be crystal clear, she has IDLR she’s not a British citizen

I think there was an issue with her becoming a British Citizen as it wasn’t dealt with years ago when she was first here and now there’s a language requirement she can’t pass. I think she was too young to be exempt from language test. So in limbo. Another reason she probably won’t want to leave as she’d worry about coming back.

This^ plus the extreme flooding that’s ravaged the country displacing millions, there’s a humanitarian crisis there. Additionally, living alone as a woman, especially an older one where she’s from isn’t as straight forward as living as one here. Her half of her house is max £30k, it won’t get you v far. The cost of living is why people tend to live in extended family living arrangements with houses handed down generation to generation

exactly this, yes!!

Dh has gone to the first sessions with her, they said it was pretty unlikely her work coach will speak her language. Dh has a full time office job, he just can’t take her all the time. He’s laid down the law with her deadbeat brothers and FIL that they are to step up if they can’t provide

So, this lady: doesn't speak English, can't count, dislikes white people, is wholly unintegrated into society, refuses help, refuses good ideas, refuses opportunities...and expects your DH to damage his own financial security to do something she wants?

And your FIL, who in the Islamic sense is responsible for her, refuses to take responsibility?

What an awful situation and I feel for you. I feel for her too: her behavour now reflects the awful life she has had.

But what I don't get it why it should be your problem. I mean, OK OK, I'm immigrant too, I do get it. But you don't have to sacrifice your mental health for this, honestoy.

I'd really be tempted to alert SS and leave her to it tbh.