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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my ILs…. Again. Serious advice needed

159 replies

Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:20

So you may remember me from my previous threads and my almost farcical situation with my IL. Feel free to search my UN to pull them up, can’t work out how to link them…

but we’ve got another one now…

brief overview DH is British Pakistani, I’m the ‘wrong kind’ of Asian. 3 kids. FIL has 2 ‘wives’ islamically, in legal terms one wife (mil) and one mistress/ side chick or whatever SMIL. Long and short is, never wanted to marry MIL, married her, knocked her up, and dumped her here. Paid her pitance to live on, and made DH when he was 16 financially provide for her and the household. She speaks no English and has made no effort to. There’s a lot of backstory but she’s not as innocent as my synopsis makes her seem and has been very very cruel to me for years. FIL has now refused to pay for MIL, DH can’t as it’s an extra £700 pcm. She now signs on, that in itself was a battle. She has all her faculties. The house was bought cheap at auction (15k in the 90s) is in quite a bad state of repair but is habitable, (for now) I’m sorry there’s probably more detail but it’s in the other threads.

so the issue now is, dh goes around, we had covid so he’s not visited for 2 weeks and she’s just let the house go in to a state of ruin apparently. Bathroom full of black mould. I pressed dh on this as all that can’t happen in 2 weeks from what he’d said he’d not used the loo there for a while, probably months. Christ knows what happened. He said he could smell damp, and went in the front room and the plaster is crumbling away from the wall by the window, damp and he said the floor boards under foot were very creaky, I’m worried that they’ve rotted due to damp. The damp in the front room has been an issue for a while, dh managed to get FIL to send builders around to fix it and she sent them away as she didn’t want FIL to spend on it but wanted DH too, he couldn’t afford it.

but now FIL is saying he can’t afford to keep her anymore, hence the signing on, there’s no chance he’ll pay for any of the work and we can’t afford to, realistically 10k minimum probably more.

ive looked at the La to see if they have grants for this and they do for insulation but not for damp repair.

we can’t afford to keep her, for my mental health I can’t have her move in here, we also don’t have the space and she’s deeply traumatised one of my children in a past incident.

how on earth can we get around this? As mean as she is at points, and as abusive as she’s been to myself and DH, it’s no way to live.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 12/09/2022 21:20

I don't see that there is any choice but to pull back and get adult social services involved. You will need to get your DH onside for this though. He'll have to be pretty tough with her but if the money simply isn't there I don't see what alternative you have.

Threelittlelambs · 12/09/2022 21:21

Then DH needs to speak to his father and arrange to be there when the builders go round and his father is to pay him and DH pays the builders.

lljkk · 12/09/2022 21:22

All of your choices are bad ones. Would she have anyone in Pakistan who she could stay with?

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:25

LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 21:20

Sadly it does seem she's working against you. You could say she's choosing to remain in this situation in that respect. The tools are there to do something about it but she's actively preventing it. What does it really matter who pays the builders? What about doing a sworn deal with FIL where he pays but she thinks you guys paid for it? It's a tough one and I've seen more than one property end up like this.

Show quote history

fIL is such a SOB and tight fisted, he never paid for clothes for dh as a boy and he went to school with holes in his shoes. Now he ‘can’t afford’ (he can of course just SMIL doesn’t want him to) to give her her £150 a week to live, there’s no way he’d pay now

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 12/09/2022 21:26

Sell up
See if she will return home to Pakistan
As the home is not hers and then sold this makes her homeless - being vulnerable the council will help to house her

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:27

lljkk · 12/09/2022 21:22

All of your choices are bad ones. Would she have anyone in Pakistan who she could stay with?

Not really no, and she most certainly couldn’t live alone there

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 12/09/2022 21:31

I've no real advice, I just wanted to say that I remember your earlier post and that it's an awful situation for you to cope with. Good luck.

Ihaveanoldiphone · 12/09/2022 21:33

Oh Op you have my sympathies, I too am the wrong type of Pakistani for my Pakistani in laws and my in laws are fruitcakes. Do not let her move in, you have to be ruthless especially as she’s abusive. I’m sorry I don’t have much advice as i know how reluctant she will be doing the most logical things due to what people will say. In terms of not speaking English or working, that’s usually done deliberately to keep women sheltered, so I don’t think that’s really her fault but her husband’s who I don’t doubt would have been abusive towards her which is why she’s obsessed with relying on your Dh so much, they don’t know what healthy relationships look like so dysfunction is normal, they use their son as their guaranteed meal tickets and retirement plans. Has she started with the emotional blackmail yet? Hope you get it sorted.

PaperLanterns · 12/09/2022 21:33

Can you send her off for a trip to Pakistan to visit relatives and then get the builders in on the sly whilst she’s gone? Agree it’s not a long term solution but could maybe make the house more habitable to sell?

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:36

Ihaveanoldiphone · 12/09/2022 21:33

Oh Op you have my sympathies, I too am the wrong type of Pakistani for my Pakistani in laws and my in laws are fruitcakes. Do not let her move in, you have to be ruthless especially as she’s abusive. I’m sorry I don’t have much advice as i know how reluctant she will be doing the most logical things due to what people will say. In terms of not speaking English or working, that’s usually done deliberately to keep women sheltered, so I don’t think that’s really her fault but her husband’s who I don’t doubt would have been abusive towards her which is why she’s obsessed with relying on your Dh so much, they don’t know what healthy relationships look like so dysfunction is normal, they use their son as their guaranteed meal tickets and retirement plans. Has she started with the emotional blackmail yet? Hope you get it sorted.

Started from birth, we’ve had sofa gate, refusing breast cancer screenings crying rape, and numerous health ‘scares’ that have been all bullshit

OP posts:
Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:36

PaperLanterns · 12/09/2022 21:33

Can you send her off for a trip to Pakistan to visit relatives and then get the builders in on the sly whilst she’s gone? Agree it’s not a long term solution but could maybe make the house more habitable to sell?

No means to pay for the work, it’s costly

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 21:38

Is it possible to get a small remortgage just enough to pay the repairs? Although I don't see why that should fall on yourselves.

Clarinet1 · 12/09/2022 21:38

Are there any organisations for Muslims or Pakistanis in the UK who might be able to you negotiate a way forward with both FIL and MIL? Would an Islamic leader or scholar be someone they would listen to? (No particular knowledge myself but just occurred to
me).

Hankunamatata · 12/09/2022 21:40

Since dh owns the house I'd remortgage to do the repairs with mil as legal tenant - he charges her rent and has a written agreement. She can claim housing benefit to pay the rent and dh can use rent money to pay mortgage.

I'd also look at possibility of home help coming in and contact social services.

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:40

LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 21:38

Is it possible to get a small remortgage just enough to pay the repairs? Although I don't see why that should fall on yourselves.

The applicant would have to be DH and as she’s got no income aside from (hopefully UC) and our mortgage is due next year and then UC probably won’t be enough to pay the mortgage payments and bills and living so it would be DH that has to pay… it’s just a nightmare. I honestly hate them, and we get such a kicking (metaphorically speaking) and we’re the only ones who stay up at night worrying and trying to fix it

OP posts:
Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:42

Clarinet1 · 12/09/2022 21:38

Are there any organisations for Muslims or Pakistanis in the UK who might be able to you negotiate a way forward with both FIL and MIL? Would an Islamic leader or scholar be someone they would listen to? (No particular knowledge myself but just occurred to
me).

the whole community where they live know all the sordid details and are so so corrupt it makes you question your faith, they’d be of no use. Bunch of hypocrites

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 12/09/2022 21:45

I think you've done the right thing to at least set some basic boundaries - she's not moving in with you and your dh isn't to fund the work.

Looking forward, supposing that somehow the mould and bathroom were fixed, how would you prevent it all happening again? Is she basically angling to have your dh spend lots of time with her checking up on the house and working on it?

I will say that when my dad was living in a total kip, we kind of left him to it. I'm not proud of it, but there's such a back story.

alotoftutus · 12/09/2022 21:47

What a nightmare!
Does she attend a mosque? Would someone there be able to help her? Perhaps by talking or calling her husband which would pretty much shame him into paying for his wife. Or even with funds?

I know sometimes churches get together to financially help out people in the congregation- I imagine a mosque would do the same.

Everything with her is going to be a no due to pride which is impossible to get round.

Culturally it sounds impossible to get round as divorce or selling the house would be be simple solutions but I can't imagine her going for either, and as you say it would be a cultural embarrassment for your DH to just leave her to it - or perhaps that needs to be happen and you break the chain of worrying about what a bu ch of people think of you who are not in your shoes.

I think it's worth talking to adult social services and citizens advice, however since your DH owns part of the house I'm not sure they will help seeing as he would also be responsible.

Would it be an option for you and DH to buy her out? So you own it and she can rent it from you. Then some repairs could be fixed using landlords insurance. I have no idea how that all works, I just remember renting and our landlord lived abroad and his landlord insurance covered a leak we had once which created a load of mould.

cherrysthename · 12/09/2022 21:48

I'd leave her to it 🤷‍♀️ her problems aren't your problems, she is set in her ways anyway...meh.
Meet at locations other than her house if you're still happy to have a relationship with her (she's traumatised one of your kids?!)

ThunderwingDoomslayer · 12/09/2022 21:50

OP if she is a vulnerable adult, why don't you raise a safeguarding concern with the LA for self-neglect. Not maintaining one's property to the point it could be damaging to health comes under that umbrella. Just a thought.

LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 21:50

Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:40

The applicant would have to be DH and as she’s got no income aside from (hopefully UC) and our mortgage is due next year and then UC probably won’t be enough to pay the mortgage payments and bills and living so it would be DH that has to pay… it’s just a nightmare. I honestly hate them, and we get such a kicking (metaphorically speaking) and we’re the only ones who stay up at night worrying and trying to fix it

Show quote history

It's not fair. This may sadly end up a situation of her own making where she ends up having a genuine health crisis and just isn't able to continue living there whether she wants to or not. You need boundaries for your own protection but I can understand the social pressure and expectation placed on your poor husband with this.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/09/2022 21:54

I remember your previous threads. She’s at least getting benefits now that’s progress - I recall she previously wouldn’t as they wanted her to do an English course.
Did you have any luck with getting her to a welfare benefits/CAB benefits review. Your DH needs to be blunt. They jointly own a house worth x that’s uninhabitable unless x spent on it and neither can afford it. Can she go on a wait list for over 55 housing?

Original poster
Lillonely · 12/09/2022 21:59

Dixiechickonhols · 12/09/2022 21:54

I remember your previous threads. She’s at least getting benefits now that’s progress - I recall she previously wouldn’t as they wanted her to do an English course.
Did you have any luck with getting her to a welfare benefits/CAB benefits review. Your DH needs to be blunt. They jointly own a house worth x that’s uninhabitable unless x spent on it and neither can afford it. Can she go on a wait list for over 55 housing?

Well she’s signed on, we don’t know if her ID will be accepted as it’s so old and she ‘couldn’t find’ her NI card. She doesn’t want to go but the worker she saw today basically said yeah no one’s going to hire you, just get sick note after sick note (not sure how I feel about them telling her to cheat the system, but that’s another story)

OP posts:
FatEaredFuck · 12/09/2022 21:59

Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:34

This is what I think too, I’ve done some reading on mold types (glam as ever) and black mould seems to be from lack of ventilation, so not having the window open when showering or airing the room?

yeah she wanted her son with at the time 2 young children to fund the repairs rather than her husband (a successful small business owner at the time)

Show quote history

We have no way to open the window in our bathroom and no mould problems fyi

alphons · 12/09/2022 22:01

Can your FIL give your DH the money to pay for builders? So the builders technically come from DH?

Or are these cowboy builders who are doing this for FIL as a favour? If so, perhaps your DH can get on the phone to these builders, and basically beg them to come back and then tell his mum he’s organised them?