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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my ILs…. Again. Serious advice needed

159 replies

Lillonely · 12/09/2022 20:20

So you may remember me from my previous threads and my almost farcical situation with my IL. Feel free to search my UN to pull them up, can’t work out how to link them…

but we’ve got another one now…

brief overview DH is British Pakistani, I’m the ‘wrong kind’ of Asian. 3 kids. FIL has 2 ‘wives’ islamically, in legal terms one wife (mil) and one mistress/ side chick or whatever SMIL. Long and short is, never wanted to marry MIL, married her, knocked her up, and dumped her here. Paid her pitance to live on, and made DH when he was 16 financially provide for her and the household. She speaks no English and has made no effort to. There’s a lot of backstory but she’s not as innocent as my synopsis makes her seem and has been very very cruel to me for years. FIL has now refused to pay for MIL, DH can’t as it’s an extra £700 pcm. She now signs on, that in itself was a battle. She has all her faculties. The house was bought cheap at auction (15k in the 90s) is in quite a bad state of repair but is habitable, (for now) I’m sorry there’s probably more detail but it’s in the other threads.

so the issue now is, dh goes around, we had covid so he’s not visited for 2 weeks and she’s just let the house go in to a state of ruin apparently. Bathroom full of black mould. I pressed dh on this as all that can’t happen in 2 weeks from what he’d said he’d not used the loo there for a while, probably months. Christ knows what happened. He said he could smell damp, and went in the front room and the plaster is crumbling away from the wall by the window, damp and he said the floor boards under foot were very creaky, I’m worried that they’ve rotted due to damp. The damp in the front room has been an issue for a while, dh managed to get FIL to send builders around to fix it and she sent them away as she didn’t want FIL to spend on it but wanted DH too, he couldn’t afford it.

but now FIL is saying he can’t afford to keep her anymore, hence the signing on, there’s no chance he’ll pay for any of the work and we can’t afford to, realistically 10k minimum probably more.

ive looked at the La to see if they have grants for this and they do for insulation but not for damp repair.

we can’t afford to keep her, for my mental health I can’t have her move in here, we also don’t have the space and she’s deeply traumatised one of my children in a past incident.

how on earth can we get around this? As mean as she is at points, and as abusive as she’s been to myself and DH, it’s no way to live.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

OP posts:
HouseOfGuineas · 13/09/2022 11:29

*So, this lady: doesn't speak English, can't count, dislikes white people, is wholly unintegrated into society, refuses help, refuses good ideas, refuses opportunities...and expects your DH to damage his own financial security to do something she wants?

And your FIL, who in the Islamic sense is responsible for her, refuses to take responsibility?*

^^This

Interesting how many references there are to shame and community etc. yet there seems no shame in expecting unnecessary state intervention because said community can’t and won’t look after people. I’d seriously challenge your DHs thinking.

Original poster
Lillonely · 13/09/2022 11:35

HouseOfGuineas · 13/09/2022 11:29

*So, this lady: doesn't speak English, can't count, dislikes white people, is wholly unintegrated into society, refuses help, refuses good ideas, refuses opportunities...and expects your DH to damage his own financial security to do something she wants?

And your FIL, who in the Islamic sense is responsible for her, refuses to take responsibility?*

^^This

Interesting how many references there are to shame and community etc. yet there seems no shame in expecting unnecessary state intervention because said community can’t and won’t look after people. I’d seriously challenge your DHs thinking.

Just to be clear, it’s not his thinking, it’s more that he will be harassed by his extended family
network something crazy. This happened with sofa gate, and her numerous pretend health scares it’s drummed up and it almost turns into a mob mentality, but the kicker is no one actually cares on a real fundamental level or they’d realise that DH is the only person trying to help, and they refuse to help in anyway just finger wag and point

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 13/09/2022 11:39

I do understand your DH can’t be with her every time. I’m just thinking having got her through the door seize the opportunity with both hands. So there’s no scope for lying eg if another relative goes with her they may deflect and say she has a good son it’s just a little cash she needs in these hard times.
Wheras if DH is there he can put it all out there. Eg when advisor asks her he can explain she can’t read or write, no education at all. If advisor tells her to go to college for English DH can say it’s impossible she won’t go this has been offered many times in last 30 years, can’t get a bus how will she get there, can’t do remote as can’t use a phone, isn’t capable due to her low iq/learning difficulties etc.

Original poster
Lillonely · 13/09/2022 11:45

Dixiechickonhols · 13/09/2022 11:39

I do understand your DH can’t be with her every time. I’m just thinking having got her through the door seize the opportunity with both hands. So there’s no scope for lying eg if another relative goes with her they may deflect and say she has a good son it’s just a little cash she needs in these hard times.
Wheras if DH is there he can put it all out there. Eg when advisor asks her he can explain she can’t read or write, no education at all. If advisor tells her to go to college for English DH can say it’s impossible she won’t go this has been offered many times in last 30 years, can’t get a bus how will she get there, can’t do remote as can’t use a phone, isn’t capable due to her low iq/learning difficulties etc.

Yeah dh went to the initial one and is going to 2 more, basically for the exact reasons you said. She’s got form for sabotaging these sorts of things on purpose to be difficult

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 13/09/2022 16:03

Lillonely · 13/09/2022 10:06

Someone asked what she wants and why she’s doing this, i think utopia for her would be we move into her house or better yet we buy a bigger house (that she’s chose obviously) in the area she wants and she moves in and doesn’t pay for anything and she gets her second innings and gets to play the revered role of grandmother in the communities eyes

OP it was me that asked what you think she actually wants. I think her behaviour indicates asking for something without actually asking.

The way to deal with this is for your DH to call that out. To say "XYZ" is not happening. But "ABC (help clean the house up then you maintain it) etc will happen"

Your DH needs to be super clear about what is and isn't in his gift (and your) capacity to help with.

You won't be moving, she won't be moving in with you. He needs to spell it out.

HazelBite · 13/09/2022 16:42

I have been reading this with interest, having had a colleague some years ago with a similar problem.Theoretically, OP what would happen ie whose "responsibility" would your MIL become if your DH were to predecease her?

Hankunamatata · 13/09/2022 16:47

If house is solely in husbands name I dont see a reason why he cant get a buy to let mortage. Set up properly as landlord ie rent book, declare earnings in self assessment, get landlord insurance and give his mother a proper tenancy agreement. Mil can claim housing benefit and dh can make the house habital.

commonslibrary.parliament.uk/benefit-support-for-housing-costs-when-renting-from-relatives/

Original poster
Lillonely · 13/09/2022 17:41

HazelBite · 13/09/2022 16:42

I have been reading this with interest, having had a colleague some years ago with a similar problem.Theoretically, OP what would happen ie whose "responsibility" would your MIL become if your DH were to predecease her?

So that’s quite complicated but let’s say a more typical situation where IL have more than one child and DIL lived in Their home with her DH, so ‘traditionally’ DIL wouldn’t be working so it would be expected that the other siblings financially support the now widowed DIL, her kids and the parents.

but in my circumstances, then tbh I’d never see her again, she’d be FIL’s problem and I guess the other half of the house would be mine (don’t know what I’d do there, as DH has already sunk a decent amount of money in there when she ran him into debt as a lad). She is crystal clear on the fact that I owe her nothing beyond basic civility which is more than she has afforded me many times, an intervention has happened previously on that after I had stuff ‘accidentally’ thrown at me

OP posts:
Original poster
Lillonely · 13/09/2022 17:43

Hankunamatata · 13/09/2022 16:47

If house is solely in husbands name I dont see a reason why he cant get a buy to let mortage. Set up properly as landlord ie rent book, declare earnings in self assessment, get landlord insurance and give his mother a proper tenancy agreement. Mil can claim housing benefit and dh can make the house habital.

commonslibrary.parliament.uk/benefit-support-for-housing-costs-when-renting-from-relatives/

That’s what I was hoping, for a BTL the rent just typically has to be 125% of the mortgage amount, similar houses on her street are on the rental market for £800/900 a month. That shows the neglect here to the property.

OP posts:
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