It’s my ILs…. Again. Serious advice needed

[Lillonely]

So you may remember me from my previous threads and my almost farcical situation with my IL. Feel free to search my UN to pull them up, can’t work out how to link them…

but we’ve got another one now…

brief overview DH is British Pakistani, I’m the ‘wrong kind’ of Asian. 3 kids. FIL has 2 ‘wives’ islamically, in legal terms one wife (mil) and one mistress/ side chick or whatever SMIL. Long and short is, never wanted to marry MIL, married her, knocked her up, and dumped her here. Paid her pitance to live on, and made DH when he was 16 financially provide for her and the household. She speaks no English and has made no effort to. There’s a lot of backstory but she’s not as innocent as my synopsis makes her seem and has been very very cruel to me for years. FIL has now refused to pay for MIL, DH can’t as it’s an extra £700 pcm. She now signs on, that in itself was a battle. She has all her faculties. The house was bought cheap at auction (15k in the 90s) is in quite a bad state of repair but is habitable, (for now) I’m sorry there’s probably more detail but it’s in the other threads.

so the issue now is, dh goes around, we had covid so he’s not visited for 2 weeks and she’s just let the house go in to a state of ruin apparently. Bathroom full of black mould. I pressed dh on this as all that can’t happen in 2 weeks from what he’d said he’d not used the loo there for a while, probably months. Christ knows what happened. He said he could smell damp, and went in the front room and the plaster is crumbling away from the wall by the window, damp and he said the floor boards under foot were very creaky, I’m worried that they’ve rotted due to damp. The damp in the front room has been an issue for a while, dh managed to get FIL to send builders around to fix it and she sent them away as she didn’t want FIL to spend on it but wanted DH too, he couldn’t afford it.

but now FIL is saying he can’t afford to keep her anymore, hence the signing on, there’s no chance he’ll pay for any of the work and we can’t afford to, realistically 10k minimum probably more.

ive looked at the La to see if they have grants for this and they do for insulation but not for damp repair.

we can’t afford to keep her, for my mental health I can’t have her move in here, we also don’t have the space and she’s deeply traumatised one of my children in a past incident.

how on earth can we get around this? As mean as she is at points, and as abusive as she’s been to myself and DH, it’s no way to live.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

I do think when you’re illiterate in your native tongue learning another language is difficult, especially when it’s from a different family (Germanic v indo Persian) but beyond that it would require some effort and I actually think being as she is is a very ‘good’ means of manipulating DH.

i do agree with you, something has to give, what will inevitably happen is, she’ll let the house get into such a state it’s not habitable and then expect us to house her. I can see it now

This sounds awful, op. I fear you are going to have to give her an ultimatum, either she start looking after the house or she moves to a country where she speaks the language and can afford to live on the house proceeds. It sounds like she is wallowing in mould and filth and ot cannot be down to you to deal with this.

To be honest I would actually walk away from your husband if it were me. Sorry but if hes going to keep refusing action on the basis of "its not the done thing" in his culture, but then simultaneously helping this woman out via the community "isnt the done thing" either, then you know how this is going to end for you. It's only going to end one way OP and that's her living with you.

I also find it morally wrong, this whole situation with not bothering to learn the language but signing on, being a home owner via DH but getting UC, etc. This isnt what the system is for. I understand being illiterate but that doesnt mean you cant learn to speak a language.

People are saying she is vulnerable but have I missed something? In what way? Does she have a disability?

I'm sorry OP. There is no good solution for you here. You can tear your hair out finding answers but it seems this woman is determined to be a burden on your DP and on you by proxy. She wont help herself because she doesnt feel it is her job to help herself. And if DP won't take a stand somehow then you arent going to get out of this situation.

I know this was discussed on previous thread about possibly contacting SS as she’s a vulnerable adult. Was DH willing to consider it. I think from previous threads you mentioned her low iq/possible learning difficulties and her lack of care of house sounds like she’s not able to care for herself.

I do agree, the welfare state is there for a small cushion if you fall on hard times.

she is vulnerable I’d say, to a degree and some of it is of her own making. She’s never been to school at all, not even primary school, she used to work the land for her ILs aka slave labour as she was never paid. She came here thinking she was coming to live with her husband and then bam, found out that he’s got this whole other life here and she was put on her own… not set up for anything. It’s easier to stay with your own than to integrate, we see it with Brits abroad, and that’s basically what she’s done

DH said he spoke to CAb about it and the adult social care would help see if she has capacity (she does) and then work to empower her by helping her get to classes and stuff, none of which she’d do, because why would you better yourself.

I really feel for you. This must be very hard 💐

Is it worth revisiting and seeing if they will assess her again as she’s not engaged in any classes and is living in squalor.
It all sounds so stressful. I think all you can do is make clear that you won’t be supporting her or her living with you if fil dies or house becomes uninhabitable.

Technically you can't claim UC housing help as you are entering the agreement to intentionally take advantage of the benefit system. That's not allowed and can get you turned down. Look into it before saying anything, just to make sure you word things to go in your favour.

Tbh, Not ypur problem
She os more than capeable by the sounds of of it and I'd say trying to blackmail your Dp in to paying and sorting it.
I'd be inclined to give her numbers she can use- Citizens Advice ect...and thats it!
Not your problem she keeps refusing.

I'd be tempted to walk away from the house. Sign it over to her. If she gives it away then she and the house become that persons problem. If you can't get her out then they won't be able to either.
After that I would organise and pay for a supermarket delivery once a week. If anyone questions it say you are doing all you can but it would be great if they could help out in some way. They will shut up pdq.

True of course but she can’t even dial a phone apparently let alone speak English. She was in charge of a bill once, and it got to the point of bailiffs and a court date. She was destroying the letter that came. She’s the type that someone says something daft like if you destroy the letter, they can’t prove you’ve had it, so you don’t have to pay, and she believes it.

I do feel for her in a small way and I’m sure you do too OP or you wouldn’t be posting. She’s completely uneducated and innumerate and closeted within a community that has infantilised her. She was dumped in a strange country by her husband. No one advocated for her, because culture.

But I also agree with others. Your DH needs to stop caring about what the community thinks as they are doing nothing to help! Do you and your DH have a network outside of the community? If you sign over the house to her and walk away you will rebuild your network with new friends.

I honestly think she is beyond help and despite the unfairness of her own life, her emotional manipulation of your husband is disgusting.

If it came to it and she moves in with you, you will need to leave to protect your children… so walk away from this so called community now as a family and get on with your lives.

I would seriously consider her going home?
She can't function on her own in the UK can't speak English, doesn't want to do anything for herself and expects your son to basically care for her entirely it sounds like? I would think she would be happier going home? Does she have family or friends back in Pakistan?

She really is doing what she can to move in with you isn't she?

I think if she is literally willing to destroy a house around her, I wouldn't feel a twinge of guilt about making her a tenant, if your dh can buy her out. She doesn't sound able to make rational decisions.

Like others I do have a feeling of baffled sympathy for her. She's essentially been trafficked and abused so much. I don't think I could be part of a scheme to send her to Pakistan if she resisted it, which I'd imagine she would.

I remember the previous thread. I think it’s time to cut her loose unfortunately

The thing is, she made a huge huge deal about not ever wanting to live in our house when we bought it as it’s ‘too far’ away from the community. An entirely intentional decision but in real terms a 30 mins drive away but from how she talks you’d think it was in the outer Hebrides. On a few instances, some not too too long ago he’d offered her to come and stay around but she refused. Think she thinks that’s hurts us, she’a mistaken.

i actually think she’s trying to make the community pile on DH so he provides for her again, and trying to make him feel guilty and get herself in such a state that he has to step in. That’s what I think the intention is here. Maybe I’m a cynic

She doesn’t really have anyone there anymore either, maybe a few outstanding relatives, none that would take her in.

thing is, where they’re from, she definitely couldn’t function on her own, fundamentally from a safety point of view, and then bills etc she can’t read urdu or dial a phone, no maths skills, so even though she can speak to people she’d be more cut off. There’s no welfare state there either and land and property is still relatively expensive

It's hard op but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped i.e teaching them to fish instead of giving them fish which isn't helpful to your thread but don't give anymore headspace and remove yourself from the situation.

It amazing what someone can learn to do when they have to. Stop pandering to her.

she is vulnerable I’d say, to a degree and some of it is of her own making. She’s never been to school at all, not even primary school, she used to work the land for her ILs aka slave labour as she was never paid. She came here thinking she was coming to live with her husband and then bam, found out that he’s got this whole other life here and she was put on her own… not set up for anything. It’s easier to stay with your own than to integrate, we see it with Brits abroad, and that’s basically what she’s done

I feel desperately sorry for her. Denied an education, sent to a foreign country to marry an unknown man, forced to slave for her in laws, left on her own whilst her husband has another wife and kids, abandoned with a child to raise alone.

I suspect the poor woman is traumatised. Some women are capable of rising above it all, fighting to learn English, remarrying etc, but it sounds like everything got too much for her and she effectively gave up on life

I don’t doubt that she has been abusive to you, but what a waste of a life. I think this woman would have wanted to work and not be reliant on anyone, but when life deals you so many blows, it’s easy to succumb to the unfairness of it all sometimes.

I don’t know what the solution here is. I wish she would divorce FIL and take him for every penny he has, but that sounds unlikely. Shame on him for perpetuating the abuse heaped on her by parents and inlaws.

I'm afraid I'd walk away too. I understand DH's fear of disapproval, that MIL has had a terrible life, and that she's his mum. But the only two options I can see are either face the fact that he can't fix it while she is unwilling to help herself, or force your family to accept an abusive MIL living with you. If he isn't willing and able to step back physically and mentally you will end up having to leave to protect your own children.

What does he think the next step is?

.

i wonder if there’s a community allotment she could join? If that’s where her interests lay previously?

This is not an ideal suggestion and I'm not really sure if your FIL is still prepared to pay for repairs, but if he is could he give the money to your DH and DH tells MIL he's paying? He could tell her he had to take a loan, so not able to fund repeated repairs.

I detest people like this, my MIL had similar traits and it ate away at our marriage. Now she's dead, my DH can see the destruction she caused. You might have years of this, maybe you and DH need a few sessions of marriage 'talking' to decide how you tackle his family together?