AIBU to let my teenager wear this?

[imnotquitesure]

My 16 year old DD is going to a party and I have bought her this dress. I at first said it was inappropriate but I caved and bought it anyway. I said if it is not appropriate when it arrives I will send it back. She thinks this unfair and I shouldn't control what she wears at 16 because all her friends wear the same. AIBU?

@Stravaig if my DCs were lovely people but had questionable dress sense I wouldn't be asking them to leave my house though, as you say they may have little choice but to stay but I would just hope I have raised them well enough to make reasonable decisions, and who is to say just because I disagree with them that I am right.

I left home at about 18, I had a good full time job and could afford to rent. I went back for a bit when I was about 21 to save for a house deposit then bought the following year. I wore ridiculous clothes out but was a good person who actually made sensible decisions overall. Just dressed how most other teens dressed (it was a lot of hot pants and crop tops at that point). My parents expressed their feelings but were happy to live with me still 😊

why did you leave home at 17 strav you were not even an adult at that point?

My dc are very welcome to stay as long as they wish, and the good news is they can wear anything they like and I won't throw them out 😄Even those hideous oodies!

I agree with this.

The current styles isn’t my cup of tea but I’d deal with it rather than getting into a debate and potentially body shaming with a 16 year old. They all dress like this now and tbh this dress is pretty covered up compared to some of the very cropped top and transparent lace flared trousers with thong combos that I’ve seen recently when picking ds up. The boys their age barely notice and they are a lot more respectful towards the girls than I remember young men being when I was that age.

Pushing the dress code is part of being a teenager. I often tell my dc the story of my own dm dropping my friends and I off for nights out wearing similar, midriff displaying clothing and calling ‘You’ve forgotten your kidney warmers, girls’ after us, usually in front of some ‘fit’ boys for maximum embarrassment. It was said in jest as my dm was very supportive and not at all stuffy. The kids think it’s hilarious and ds now apparently often says the same thing to his female friends.

Clothes are just clothes, they say nothing about the person in them. It’s not a 16 year old girl’s responsibility to worry about what anyone else thinks. They just want to
dress up and have fun as we did at their age. I would let them experiment and find their own style.

@PugInTheHouse Your folks sound like lovely grounded people.

Thanks @Stravaig I just hope I can be as level-headed when required

I think the problem with defending a very young woman's right to 'her own style' to 'dress as she pleases' ignores the elephant in the room, that a dress like that is not HER style or what pleases HER.
It is a dress designed ( though not necessarily worn) with the express purpose of showing off her body to men.
Young women gravitate to these styles as they are promoted to them. They believe they are 'choosing for themselves' and fail to note the huge coincidence in that what they 'choose' is also what men would choose to leer at them in.
The decision by an adult woman who knows this, has thought it through, and is happy to wear it anyway, is entirely different from that of a young woman barely out of childhood, being manipulated by the fashion industry into showing off her body for men's pleasure.

This is difficult to answer because there are so many variables.
As parents we do our best to guide our daughters to be ready for the real world that we live in, but also a world that we aspire to, one that isn't here yet but that we hope will be one day. We try to be realistic but also inspire them to create a different path.
What a different family would do or have done in the same situation is only helpful up to a point because all teens are different, there's no point comparing a child who doesn't tend to rock the boat or is very easy going, to one who makes every issue, however small, an occasion to assert their independence.
If your daughter wants to wear this dress it's because she thinks that it is nice. There isn't much point in suggesting alternatives, unless you have a specific problem with the cut out or neck line etc, because what she likes will tend to be similar to what she has chosen because it's either her style or the style of her friendship group .

Kissingfrogs25 Off to University! In Scotland, so a 4-year undergraduate degree, and fine to go after Highers. Decades ago, so in the days of full grants during term; but still, I worked vacations to support myself, and never returned home.

Those were the days, where to rebel / flee you could grab a Uni place in Clearing, drop out of 6th year, pack a rucsac for Fresher's week! (Looking back, only just 17 was very young, but it was absolutely the right thing for me to do.)

So perhaps understandable that I expect kids to actually leave home after school, and 18 already feels well-ripened :)

My natural inclination is to multi-generational extended families living together, but that is not at all the model in the UK, and I think it can be hard to transition to mutually respectful adults sharing a home, in a society where we fetishise the nuclear family. So out the door it is!

“18 already feels well-ripened” is a rather disgusting turn of phrase considering the content of the thread.

ZealAndArdour Or maybe I'm just a farmer and grower of things, who thinks in organic, earthy metaphors.

I wouldn't buy a dress like that for my daughter, no. If she wanted to buy clothes like that she'd need to get a Saturday job or save up Christmas/birthday money.

No idea where to look for something nicer though!

I think it looks nice and quiet typical of what a 16yo might wear to a party. All the party wear atm seem to have cut outs - it's the thing for clothing atm!

This seems to me like a very lax naive view, without the benefit of considering the sheer impact on the girls wearing stuff like this - by being judged, assessed, groped and disrespected by men. I would be far more concerned about what this is going to do to their feelings of safety, self worth and potentially not all comments will be complimentary, and some might be extremely offensive. The girl is inevitably wearing to be noticed, because she thinks her body is the only currency to offer that. It is tragic.

And short sighted that so many parents can't see it.

Raise the bar lua! Show your girls how to dress powerfully, with confidence, with artistic flair - with creativity - but not to effectively sell her body at the tender age of 16.

Not sure that she or anyone else wearing something like this would think it is their ONLY currency, more that it is the easiest, lowest effort, with most immediate return.

The biggest mistake you made was saying no to her then ordering it. It should've been a categoric no from the start.

No way in god's earth would I allow a 16 year old daughter to wear that.

That's just my opinion though...

The amount of comments saying 'you can't stop her wearing it' , actually whilst a child (16yr old is a child) is living under your roof they are your responsibility and should respect parents wishes and especially if they aren't earning their own crust.

Personally this dress looks just like that tacky love island attire, not suitable for a 16 year old at all.

You know that can happen wearing a tracksuit right??

Who wants to be easy, low effort with instant gratification? Like the McDonalds of fashion is that what we are aiming for now? Just cheap instant gratification.

Just reading through some of the comments, this should probably be a different thread but perhaps may put things into context a bit.

I'm sorry poster if my comments sound harsh, but as someone who at the age of 18 was raped on a night out and even after living with PTSD and receiving years of intense trauma therapy, I STILL blame myself for the outfit I was wearing, the comments made at the hospital by staff saying I was probably another drunken slag that had too much to drink as I was barely conscious after having my drink spiked by my then boyfriend and his group of lowlife mates who took it in turns to do whatever they wanted to me in some rat infested back lane, I wished that I had taken on board the comment my mum made when I walked downstairs wearing what I was wearing, that I looked cheap and easy, as even 20 years on I wish I could have turned back the clocks I really do as my mum was right and it haunts me to this day.
I thought I was safe with my boyfriend and his friends. I was left for dead in the cold of night after a lot of physical and sexual assaults and discovered by passers by unconscious alone. Had I been wearing something a bit more than I did, I wouldn't have had judgemental comments from nurses and they'd have done thorough checks on me rather than be fully conscious a week later being forensically examined reliving the trauma again whilst getting flashbacks of the night in question, perhaps CPS wouldn't have thrown out the case as they said a conviction would've been impossible even with evidence of assault, they'd grill me on my clothes, the fact that I knew these people and had been drinking anyway and cross examination would eat me alive, so that was that cps didn't take it further, another statistic. Sorry I've gone off tangent and I'm sorry if this has been triggering to anyone, just wanted to say I wish I had listened to my mum.

It's not about what you wear, it is and it isn't, but we have to be realistic the world doesn't give a damn if the perception is that you look easy, you probably are. Which is what I personally experienced by medical staff, CPS, and perpetrators. İ wouldn't wish was I went through on anyone, I really wouldn't.

The only thing that causes rape is rapists, clothes aren’t relevant. I worked in this area of prosecution for years and the majority of cases didn’t involve tight dresses, the only time they did was when the rape had occurred on a night out, it’s the night out that goes hand in hand with a dressy outfit not the rape.

At 16 you can't tell them what to wear but boys will look of course , sexual attraction is a thing , same as girls will look at boys ,
But looking is one thing and being attracted than those that take it further or show unwanted attention
Recently at my ds 16 birthday a friend 17 year old wore a dress not that dissimilar and it was the adults who all thought it was inappropriate , too short , too revealing etc
The 17 year old boys obviously all looked im sure but were at less not obvious and didn't comment it was inappropriate or any such like, and were probably more mature about the choice of dresss than the adults there who were all quite judgemental

Im also just jealous that i Could never of worn a dress like that

@Navigatingnewwaters exactly

Jeeeez, I'm glad I have boys!

Also quite jealous! I'd love to wear that!