Page 7 | AIBU to let my teenager wear this?

imnotquitesure · 2022-09-12T15:31:56+00:00

My 16 year old DD is going to a party and I have bought her this dress. I at first said it was inappropriate but I caved and bought it anyway. I said if it is not appropriate when it arrives I will send it back. She thinks this unfair and I shouldn't control what she wears at 16 because all her friends wear the same. AIBU?

TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael · 13/09/2022 08:42

You used a hell of a lot of words just to say "I've internalised a whole lot of misogyny", didn't you Kissingfrogs25

TheMoonisaBalloon · 13/09/2022 08:45

@Kissingfrogs25
I also fundamentally disagree that women are respected whatever they wear, I sincerely wish that was true, but it is not flissypaps there is such a thing as unconscious bias. Most people will form an opinion of another person within seconds and it is wishful thinking to imagine otherwise.

This ^

I want the people around them to listen to what they are saying, they are intelligent, articulate girls that don't need to reduce themselves to teetering around half naked.

This ^ x 1000.

Women have campaigned through the ages (and some have died ) to be taken seriously by men in industry, politics, commerce, science and education.
To me this minimalistic sort of attire undermines and devalues the efforts our forbearers have made, by portraying women as no more than a collection of body parts for men's amusement.

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 08:46

We all internalise misogyny to some point sadly, but things are changing slowly for the better. You can pretend we live in a completely ideal world with mutual respect and harmony - I will stick with reality thanks.

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 08:49

TheMoonisaBalloon · 13/09/2022 08:45

@Kissingfrogs25
I also fundamentally disagree that women are respected whatever they wear, I sincerely wish that was true, but it is not flissypaps there is such a thing as unconscious bias. Most people will form an opinion of another person within seconds and it is wishful thinking to imagine otherwise.

This ^

I want the people around them to listen to what they are saying, they are intelligent, articulate girls that don't need to reduce themselves to teetering around half naked.

This ^ x 1000.

Women have campaigned through the ages (and some have died ) to be taken seriously by men in industry, politics, commerce, science and education.
To me this minimalistic sort of attire undermines and devalues the efforts our forbearers have made, by portraying women as no more than a collection of body parts for men's amusement.

Yes I agree. This kind of dress reduces an intelligent, powerful woman back to a plaything for men. Surely we need to be moving on from this at some point.

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 08:51

We need to be judged on what we think and what we say rather than the dress we wear. Surely the aim is to get past being objectified and sexualised at a young age?

sidewayswalking · 13/09/2022 08:53

GettingStuffed · 12/09/2022 20:47

Tell her the risks of a dress like that. Tell her the red flags and to stay close to a friend all night, if her friends are wearing dresses like that it'll keep them both Safe

Can you tell me?

roolz · 13/09/2022 08:54

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 08:51

We need to be judged on what we think and what we say rather than the dress we wear. Surely the aim is to get past being objectified and sexualised at a young age?

Yes, but tbf if a 16yo is at a party, they don't care about this, they just want to look good and have fun in that moment. Nothing wrong with that.

I 100% agree however people want to defend their own parenting decisions because they allow very revealing attire like this on their teen. I just don't see how this particular outfit in the op is ok for a 16yo, why can't parents just say 'no, let's choose a similar, slightly less revealing dress?'

Kellie45 · 13/09/2022 08:57

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 08:51

We need to be judged on what we think and what we say rather than the dress we wear. Surely the aim is to get past being objectified and sexualised at a young age?

Sorry but this is assuming an idealised world. I should be able to leave my laptop on the front seat of my car when I park it but I don’t as there are nasty people around who will steal things. Why I have to have a tight hold of my purse. A kid should be able to wear what she likes but there are men who take advantage and see it as an invitation. That is more and more the world we live in.

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 09:01

roolz · 13/09/2022 08:54

Yes, but tbf if a 16yo is at a party, they don't care about this, they just want to look good and have fun in that moment. Nothing wrong with that.

I 100% agree however people want to defend their own parenting decisions because they allow very revealing attire like this on their teen. I just don't see how this particular outfit in the op is ok for a 16yo, why can't parents just say 'no, let's choose a similar, slightly less revealing dress?'

Show quote history

Look good? Are you kidding? I am not sure if that is a joke or not. Clearly it is going to be very hard to 'look good' in a dress like this. Why would they not care about their safety at a party? Or the bigger message about being objectified? Sorry I am struggling to understand why a girl/woman would suddenly not care just because she is at a party?

Unless we say to our girls - look we have spent years fighting and dying for equality do you think this dress is helping? What messages are giving the world.

YOU ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH AS YOU ARE

You don't need to be half naked to be cared about/noticed/listened to/on trend.

Unless we educate and talk to our young girls, then they will just continue the same cycle of being sexualised and objectified by boys and men before they have even managed to open their mouths or say a single word.

onlythreenow · 13/09/2022 09:04

I agree that it is hideous and looks cheap and nasty. I'm not saying that because I am "old" either - I wouldn't have worn something like that at any stage of my life. Yes, we wore short skirts when I was young, but they were still far more modest than that dress and not skin tight.

Women have campaigned through the ages (and some have died ) to be taken seriously by men in industry, politics, commerce, science and education.
To me this minimalistic sort of attire undermines and devalues the efforts our forbearers have made, by portraying women as no more than a collection of body parts for men's amusement.

I totally agree with this. As for all the comments about how women should be able to wear what they want without having to deal with men leering, well yes they should, but this is the real world, not fantasyland. Why do young women want to have so much flesh on display anyway, what is the actual point?

PugInTheHouse · 13/09/2022 09:04

But Roolz what makes you right in not allowing it compared to a parent who does. People parent how they believe is right and what suits them and their DCs. Teenage girls have been wearing this sort of thing for years, I am in my 40s and outfits were very skimpy and revealing when I was a teen. I was sexually assaulted on the rare day I wore trousers and a high necked top. Neither of my boys would wear that dress so it's only hypothetical in our house.

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 09:05

Kellie45 · 13/09/2022 08:57

Sorry but this is assuming an idealised world. I should be able to leave my laptop on the front seat of my car when I park it but I don’t as there are nasty people around who will steal things. Why I have to have a tight hold of my purse. A kid should be able to wear what she likes but there are men who take advantage and see it as an invitation. That is more and more the world we live in.

Show quote history

I think you misunderstood my post, or maybe I didn't write it very well. The dress is continuing the cycle of women being objectified in my view.

PugInTheHouse · 13/09/2022 09:06

I would have definitely worn that dress however I don't necessarily think it looks good, it's just a stage some teenage girls go through.

roolz · 13/09/2022 09:07

Well it's certainly not my idea of looking good, it looks cheaply made and very insta-model-esque. I've stated I wouldn't allow that particular dress, but in the mind of a teen girl, they don't want to go to a house party wearing jeans and a hoodie, they want to dress like their friends. Fine for a party with people they know. Safety is definitely an issue when going out-out. @Kissingfrogs25

roolz · 13/09/2022 09:09

PugInTheHouse · 13/09/2022 09:04

But Roolz what makes you right in not allowing it compared to a parent who does. People parent how they believe is right and what suits them and their DCs. Teenage girls have been wearing this sort of thing for years, I am in my 40s and outfits were very skimpy and revealing when I was a teen. I was sexually assaulted on the rare day I wore trousers and a high necked top. Neither of my boys would wear that dress so it's only hypothetical in our house.

Like most other women/girls, I've been sexually assaulted too, I'm not denying outfit doesn't prevent it.

As a parent, you can say no. That's really my point- a short, low cut and tight dress is too much for a dd who is not yet an adult, IMO. Anyone else is free to parent as they like, I just don't get the whole ' you can't police it'. You can. Arguably it makes little difference but 🤷🏼‍♀️

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 09:10

Rape and sexual assaults happen at parties as well roolz
They are not 'safer' because it is a party.

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 09:10

Rape and sexual assaults happen at parties as well roolz
They are not 'safer' because it is a party.

PugInTheHouse · 13/09/2022 09:11

Aretheyhavingalaugh - I can imagine the reaction of a 16 yo if you showed them that dress. I mean there's a happy medium between the dress in the OP and that one.

roolz · 13/09/2022 09:12

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 09:10

Rape and sexual assaults happen at parties as well roolz
They are not 'safer' because it is a party.

I think we're all getting a bit confused here. Sure, but you're not going to convince your dd to go in a maxi dress and cardi regardless. It's ok to want to look good and keep up with fashion, this particular dress is just too far.

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 09:15

No, I am not getting confused maybe you are? You are saying as long as she doesn't go out, she will be fine in the dress. I am saying how come? Assuming she is going to a party with other people, it is not likely to be any 'safer'

'Looking good' does not equate to showing as much flesh as humanly possible, and why does she have to look good? Is she not good enough exactly as she is?

PugInTheHouse · 13/09/2022 09:15

Roolz - yes you can police it but I personally dont necessarily think you should, I would make suggestions and give guidance of course, in the same way as I would for other things. I don't believe in controlling 16/17 yos like you would a 12/13 yo as for me them learning to make their own decisions and become independent adults is the role I believe I have. On MN this seems less common than in real life though.

Obviously I wouldn't want to see my (hypothetical) daughter wearing this and I know my dad hated it but it's part of grow8ng up IMO.

roolz · 13/09/2022 09:19

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 09:15

No, I am not getting confused maybe you are? You are saying as long as she doesn't go out, she will be fine in the dress. I am saying how come? Assuming she is going to a party with other people, it is not likely to be any 'safer'

'Looking good' does not equate to showing as much flesh as humanly possible, and why does she have to look good? Is she not good enough exactly as she is?

No, I agree with you for the most part.

Except that you have to be articulate and intelligent at a party.

I don't think as much flesh as possible is a good idea, hence why I'd say 'no' to this dress and suggest an equally fashionable but less exposed outfit.

aokii · 13/09/2022 09:19

Kissingfrogs25 - totally agree with all your posts. I despair at the "let them wear what they want" brigade on here sometimes.

roolz · 13/09/2022 09:20

PugInTheHouse · 13/09/2022 09:15

Roolz - yes you can police it but I personally dont necessarily think you should, I would make suggestions and give guidance of course, in the same way as I would for other things. I don't believe in controlling 16/17 yos like you would a 12/13 yo as for me them learning to make their own decisions and become independent adults is the role I believe I have. On MN this seems less common than in real life though.

Obviously I wouldn't want to see my (hypothetical) daughter wearing this and I know my dad hated it but it's part of grow8ng up IMO.

I agree here too. I'd only police it because 16 could still be in secondary school. In sixth form/college you have to loosen your grip. Once they're 18 you have zero say.

Kissingfrogs25 · 13/09/2022 09:20

PugInTheHouse · 13/09/2022 09:15

Roolz - yes you can police it but I personally dont necessarily think you should, I would make suggestions and give guidance of course, in the same way as I would for other things. I don't believe in controlling 16/17 yos like you would a 12/13 yo as for me them learning to make their own decisions and become independent adults is the role I believe I have. On MN this seems less common than in real life though.

Obviously I wouldn't want to see my (hypothetical) daughter wearing this and I know my dad hated it but it's part of grow8ng up IMO.

So you don't see any need for evolution whatsoever? You did it, therefore you expect every generation to do the same.

It is not about controlling anyone, it is about educating. We share the knowledge we have gained, we talk about equality, symbolism, the power base, the ability to shine as they are and not as a plaything, to have confidence and good self esteem. They need to be aware that they are role models for the younger girls following them and what they do/wear/say matters, it counts.