AIBU to let my teenager wear this?

[imnotquitesure]

My 16 year old DD is going to a party and I have bought her this dress. I at first said it was inappropriate but I caved and bought it anyway. I said if it is not appropriate when it arrives I will send it back. She thinks this unfair and I shouldn't control what she wears at 16 because all her friends wear the same. AIBU?

This. And also the comment about how to handle unwanted attention....it's all about confidence really!

fashion Is a form of free speech. But what is she saying?

This thread is actually sad.

A few posters mention self esteem and confidence in wearing that. Why should we teach girls that their body confidence comes from getting their clothes off and wearing as little as possible? We dont teach boys that and they overall have lower levels of body issues. I would be mortified if my childs self esteem came from being scantily clad.

Also at 16 its called parenting. You absolutely can say yes or no to certain clothes unless they earn their own money and live alone they arent adults for another two years. Its mad how mn see 16 year olds as children in some situations and adults in others depending on the mood of the thread.

Also sexual assault and rape are never the fault of the victim or what they are wearing. However you are naive if you think this dress isnt designed for people to look at the wearers body and that often comes with unwanted attention which is abd enough as an adult let alone a 16 year old without the maturity to deal with that.

Kissingfrogs25 you've clearly not read all of what I've written though, of course we should be educating but educating is not the same as controlling. I have many discussions with my boys about stuff I don't think they should do that perhaps I may have done but we have mature discussions about it rather than a blanket ban, I hope they make sensible decisions but I am not going to control their every move. They will try stupid things and they will make mistakes, me trying to enforce everything on them still won't stop that, they'll just do things behind my back. My friend wasn't even allowed to wear heels so she hid clothes at my house and just got changed.

And yes Roolz, I was assuming college age as opposed to 16 and at school. I do think it's very different as they are now learning to be adults with the independence of 6th form etc.

@Kissingfrogs25 I agree with you 100%

omg. Love all these responses.
‘I would never let my daughter out like that but I have all boys’ classic. How on Earth do you know how you would be ffs 🤣
As a parent of a younger teenage girl I also hate it. But I have to say this is what many girls are wearing at the moment.
Back in the 60’s it was the mini skirt parents went nuts about. My 13 year old wants to wear very tight very short dresses. We have already had arguments. However, seeing them in photos all go to a friends for a party or out to a resturant / bowling, yes, they are literally all in pretty much the same dress. Some have even bought the exact same ones from the same shop. They strive to fit in. To have a friendship group who accepts them. It’s literally what most teenage girls think about all the time. It’s everything to them. Heck, it’s what many adults strive for as well!
I think you have to take each occasion and weight it up. So going to a friends house for a party is totally different to going out to a club or pub in that dress. I would try to talk her into a similar dress without the cut out or the deep cleavage but if she was absolutely dead set on this one then I would let it go and let her wear it.
I am more bothered personally about safety when out and about. Not being alone at night, never leaving anyone else in your group alone, using instincts when taking to strangers, never going off alone with anyone and not drinking so much that you lose those instincts. Feeling very comfortable ringing home if they are in a difficult or uncomfortable situation and not being afraid to tell me anything they are worried about or a mistake they have made. Those sorts of things are the hills I die on, clothes come somewhere behind.

Who said anything about a 'blanket ban'? What a strange comment

Anyone that actually has a teenage girl would know how far a blanket ban would get you? 😂
Far better to sit down and have a conversation about stereotypes and let them have an opinion and view and agree to compromise. I would absolutely be asking them WHY they felt the need to wear it? Where is it coming from? I don't do 'blanket bans' with teen dc from doing anything, it is pointless - there is discussion in our house and conversation.

It is of course difficult with teenage girls but the main thing is that we set out the rules that things they wear are not overly provocative. Of course they want to wear short skirts but something like has been described which shows acres of boob is provocative and makes them look cheap. As the parents we have a right to dictate to a certain limit what they wear. My mother did with me and I do. We are paying the bills so we have the right. When they pay the bills they can wear what they like

My son has a beautiful body he isn't pressured to show off his abs and wear a mankini to highlight himself, he feels no need at all, so why should my dd? Both are intelligent, articulate and interesting people.

Well said @Kissingfrogs25 and @TheMoonisaBalloon !

So thankful I have boys. 😁

I love my teen girls! They are great fun and lovely, and they never wear this crap so there is arguments either!

@Kissingfrogs25 in that case we have said the same thing, I don't understand your comments towards me TBH as we have basically said the same thing but you commented that what about educating them as that isn't controlling. What if you try to educate them but they still disagree and wish to wear such a dress? What happens then?

There are many posters on here that have said there is no way they would allow it at all, a ban on skimpy clothes is not any solution. As I said, my friend just snuck clothes out and wore them anyway.

Kellie45 - dictating to teens never ends well, just because you think they conform doesn't mean they do. You may be lucky, many others wouldn't be and that is not because you are a better parent than them. I just don't understand your attitude though re paying the bills, so if your DCs are 22 and living at home still would you dictate what they wore out because you were still putting a roof over their heads?

I am 78 my granddaughters would wear this for parties. I like it.

PugInTheHouse Your 22nd year olds should be able to afford their own place if they're going out dressed like that!

@Stravaig I don't have 22 year olds, I was commenting to someone else who apparently dictates what their DCs wear because they pay the bills. I would hope by 22 that they are mature enough to realise that dress looks shit however if they didn't then each to their own by that age regardless of whether they were living in my house. 16 yos girls often have awful dress sense (those see through leggings and crop tops look as bad maybe even worse than that dress TBH).

If we had discussed the dress at length etc - usually my teens and I agree with a compromise. We respect their views, they respect ours, so that is how we are most of the time.
If dd was for some reason dead set on the dress and could not and would not compromise (rare) then of course she would wear it! I am not going to pay for it though. Nor am I am going to be encouraging her to wear it in any shape or form.
I would help her tighten the straps to ensure full coverage of her breasts. I would probably encourage to size up so it is not plastered onto her body. I would warn her it will not look anything like the photo!

I would definitely be questioning her lack of self esteem and/or friendship circles if she is being pressured to wear it.

We look at photos of Amal Clooney when she goes out versus Little Mix for example and we talk about messaging and self respect and that happened long ago, before the age of sixteen.

To be honest, pick your battles. There's a small window of time for most women in having the body to get away with a dress like this. She's old enough to decide for herself whether she's comfortable or not when she puts it on.

For what it's worth, I had some similar questionable fashion choices at that age. I had a black top with white handprints over the boobs, another t-shirt that said "Manteaser" across the front, and many VERY low cute tops! My parents, to their eternal credit I think, never said a word. I'd grown out of the phase by the time I was done with sixth form.

And there it is.
It is very dispiriting to read this post.

"There is a small window of time for most women in having the body to get away with a dress like this"

Where do we even start with that....😱
No wonder women are so screwed - we can't even get past this kind of thinking.

Yes you better flaunt/sell yourself now whilst you still can hun, given its the only thing you have got going for you as a young woman! God help us 😩

Please tell me you don't have daughters? Or sons? I am not sure which one is worse.

At 16, I don’t think you should stop her. She’ll be fine, a lot of girls go through the stage of wearing the least they can before finally realising they look better in something that shows less skin.

It’s a horrible dress that looks cheaply made though and Im glad my daughter wouldn’t wear it at the moment 😬....there’s still time for her to change though.

Kissingfrogs - 100%. There are too many posters on here who don't get that though.

My parents compromise of not wanting me to stay out late between 16 & 18 when we went to clubs was that I left half hour early and they would collect me, they did not want me hanging around at a taxi rank. I thought I was getting a good deal and thought I was getting what I wanted (no hassle about going out, free lift home), obviously now I know they were ensuring my safety by me not being put in dangerous situations after clubs kick out or spending all my money and walking home instead of getting a cab. Again, my friends who weren't allowed either snuck out or said they were sleeping over at a mates house.

Your parents sound really smart Pug It is not about stopping/forcing but compromising so that your kid has a safe and good experience of life as far as possible. I definitely don't have all of the answers and I am blindsided by other things, but we can only do our best.

@PugInTheHouse Ah okay!

I think with under 18's parents have to parent, not indulge or appease or coddle. Once adults, then it becomes a question of who you choose to share your home with. For me, it's unlikely to be young women who place their value on their looks and their ability to draw sexual attention, and who support cheap throwaway fashion made of plastic in sweatshops abroad.

(Young adults still at home due to additional support needs is different, and a trickier balance to find.)

I'm being a little unfair, in that the housing situation today means some kids do linger in the family home. I left home just after my 17th birthday, so it's outwith my experience.