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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let my teenager wear this?

240 replies

imnotquitesure · 12/09/2022 16:31

My 16 year old DD is going to a party and I have bought her this dress. I at first said it was inappropriate but I caved and bought it anyway. I said if it is not appropriate when it arrives I will send it back. She thinks this unfair and I shouldn't control what she wears at 16 because all her friends wear the same. AIBU?

OP posts:
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5
Thepossibility · 14/09/2022 22:31

I would've worn it at 16 and my mother wouldn't have said anything. It's not really a fight worth having. It's a dress on a body.

NightfeedsandNetflix · 14/09/2022 22:33

She will just get her mates to order for her in future and change when out?

CaptainCorellisBagpipes · 15/09/2022 07:27

This is an interesting presentation by Gail Dines the anti-pornography campaigner, at 1.37 she gets down to the problem and at 3.51 she nails it

Stravaig · 15/09/2022 08:10

CaptainCorellisBagpipes · 15/09/2022 07:27

This is an interesting presentation by Gail Dines the anti-pornography campaigner, at 1.37 she gets down to the problem and at 3.51 she nails it

This is succinct! Spot on with the timings too :)

Kissingfrogs25 · 15/09/2022 08:37

CakeMonster1 · 14/09/2022 19:53

Just reading through some of the comments, this should probably be a different thread but perhaps may put things into context a bit.

I'm sorry poster if my comments sound harsh, but as someone who at the age of 18 was raped on a night out and even after living with PTSD and receiving years of intense trauma therapy, I STILL blame myself for the outfit I was wearing, the comments made at the hospital by staff saying I was probably another drunken slag that had too much to drink as I was barely conscious after having my drink spiked by my then boyfriend and his group of lowlife mates who took it in turns to do whatever they wanted to me in some rat infested back lane, I wished that I had taken on board the comment my mum made when I walked downstairs wearing what I was wearing, that I looked cheap and easy, as even 20 years on I wish I could have turned back the clocks I really do as my mum was right and it haunts me to this day.
I thought I was safe with my boyfriend and his friends. I was left for dead in the cold of night after a lot of physical and sexual assaults and discovered by passers by unconscious alone. Had I been wearing something a bit more than I did, I wouldn't have had judgemental comments from nurses and they'd have done thorough checks on me rather than be fully conscious a week later being forensically examined reliving the trauma again whilst getting flashbacks of the night in question, perhaps CPS wouldn't have thrown out the case as they said a conviction would've been impossible even with evidence of assault, they'd grill me on my clothes, the fact that I knew these people and had been drinking anyway and cross examination would eat me alive, so that was that cps didn't take it further, another statistic. Sorry I've gone off tangent and I'm sorry if this has been triggering to anyone, just wanted to say I wish I had listened to my mum.

It's not about what you wear, it is and it isn't, but we have to be realistic the world doesn't give a damn if the perception is that you look easy, you probably are. Which is what I personally experienced by medical staff, CPS, and perpetrators. Ä° wouldn't wish was I went through on anyone, I really wouldn't.

I am so sorry that happened to you. You should safely be able to wear anything, and it should not be up for discussion about your safety. I hope you find some comfort and peace during your recovery Flowers

Kissingfrogs25 · 15/09/2022 08:41

NightfeedsandNetflix · 14/09/2022 22:33

She will just get her mates to order for her in future and change when out?

Not if girls are raised to understand WHY they do not need to dress like a porn star to be noticed, listened to and to develop their OWN sense of style and identity that is not hyper sexualised, far removed from what men are expecting of them. Their style is their own, and should be developed from their own character and interests and not from the porn and sex industry.

CaptainCorellisBagpipes · 15/09/2022 09:19

@CakeMonster1 I am sorry about what happened to you. The hospital staff were totally unprofessional and shouldn't have behaved as they did.
Thankfully, the culture of 'victim blaming' for rape victims has diminished but sadly too late for you. 😢

I hope you can move forward with your recovery.

Arbesque · 15/09/2022 09:25

I would have a fit if my 16 year old wanted to go partying in that. It's barely more than a swimsuit. No way would I buy it for her.

Sandra1984 · 09/03/2023 22:25

This is the type of dress that Jenna Jameson would wear to pick up the adult actress of the year award in Las Vegas convention. I really don’t understand why young women want to look like pornstars nowadays, it’s not a dig at your daughter by any means, it’s a fig at the porn star look trend adopted by young women because that dress will be worn with the fake tan, the fake eyelashes and super high heels.interestingly enough I don’t see their young male counterparts dressed as male porn stars, just the girls. Bizarre world we live in. Your daughter is peer pressured and she’ll end up wearing that dress you like it or not I’m afraid.

DahliaRose3 · 09/03/2023 23:43

But that’s not reality. So many women are sexually harassed, let alone a 16 year old in a skimpy outfit.

When she is 18 she can wear what she wants, but not at 16. It is attention seeking, and tacky. Like my mother used to say, if your friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too? It’s good to teach children to not follow the crowd nor to conform to peer pressure.

IhMrsPr · 10/03/2023 06:48

This thread is from September last year.

DahliaRose3 · 12/03/2023 01:31

Oh haha

malificent7 · 12/03/2023 07:51

I think it's a great dress...for a young women in her 20s who can handle herself. Bit much for a 16 year old but my 14 year old dd would probably love it.

GCMM · 12/03/2023 10:11

I can and do 'police' what my 16 daughter wears, to some extent. I understand that, at that age, they want to push boundaries and they want to present themselves as older than they actually are and that's fine. But as parents it's still our job to guide them and protect them from themselves until they are more mature. I think it also depends where they are going. My 16 year old went to a girls only house party last night. Most of the girls wore short dresses and heels, as did mine. We drove her there and collected her later. There's no way I would've let her walk around, catch the bus, etc dressed like that. I just don't think at 16 she's equipped yet to handle the attention. It's a sad fact of life and as lifelong feminist, I'm angry at men's behaviour. But I'm not throwing my daughter to the wolves just yet, thank you very much.

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