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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Be honest, would you look down on someone who has never dated?

151 replies

AllAloneInThisHouse · 11/09/2022 16:49

I need some perspective about my friends, I can’t tell myself because I’ve never had many friends.

So we’re all well into out 30’s, and yeah - totally inexperienced, I’ve made my peace with for the most part.

But my friends make this little jabs about it, I guess they always have, just to be clear I don’t bring up this part of my life (little embarrassed) and I get kind of mean comments here and there.

So, if you had a friend / person in your life who’s never dated etc. would you comment on it, or be mean about it.

I’m just asking because maybe I need to let them go…

YANBU = no I wouldn’t comment
YABU = yes ai would ”joke” about it, make comments

OP posts:

Carpy88999 · 11/09/2022 16:55

They find it weird because it is uncommon I guess. Why have you never dated?

WhatWouldHopperDo · 11/09/2022 16:57

My DD is 25 and hasn’t dated apart from 2 or 3 short periods of dating from OLD.

As far as I am aware, her friends never mention it unless she brings it up. They don’t try and set her up on dates and they certainly don’t tease her about it. Nor do we.

One or two family members think it is a bit odd but they’re not people she sees often and she doesn’t like them much either so she‘S not bothered what they think!

Honestly if you’re happy then your friends need to shut up about it. It’s none of their business and unkind to make jibes.

Checkskirt · 11/09/2022 16:59

What sort of thing do they say? Are they trying to make you more relaxed about the idea? You do have to laugh off the absurdities of OLD.

FWIW, I was single and a virgin until I was 29 but I really swallowed my pride and went online when I was 25.

I felt so, so anxious about it and I was also very sensitive to certain things.

But they are supposed to be your friends and to support you.

Mydogmylife · 11/09/2022 17:01

If you’re not bringing it up I can’t see how it can possibly be any of their business , far less anything to be having a dig about - I would think hard about the friendship myself

YouAreNotBatman · 11/09/2022 17:18

@Carpy88999
Why have you never dated?

I just don’t ”think that way”, that’s pretty much all I can say about it.
I was never interested, thought I was a late bloomer when I was younger, but nothing ever bloomed so here I am…

@Mydogmylife
Thank you for your answer, I’ve really started to wonder that it them - not me.
For so long I went along with it because I believed that I was weird, but it’s getting old and I don’t anymore think myself as a weirdo outsider.

stayinghometoday · 11/09/2022 17:23

Do you even WANT to date? Because if you've been talking about wanting to date but not doing anything about it, I can see people making comments. Although they shouldn't be nasty about it.

If you don't want to, then they should shut up.

YellowTreeHouse · 11/09/2022 17:24

I wouldn’t look down on them.

I would think it was very odd and wonder if something was wrong.

hattie43 · 11/09/2022 17:24

No I wouldn't judge . People's lives follow different routes and as long as they are happy that's all that matters

hattie43 · 11/09/2022 17:27

YellowTreeHouse · 11/09/2022 17:24

I wouldn’t look down on them.

I would think it was very odd and wonder if something was wrong.

Why does something have to have gone wrong ??
Maybe they just aren't prepared to settle for some loser just to say they are ' dating' . It takes confidence to not follow the flow imo .
Look how many women are with complete losers and they are stuck in abusive awful relationships. They're the ones I would wonder what went wrong .

Original poster

AllAloneInThisHouse · 11/09/2022 17:27

@stayinghometoday

No.
And I don’t bring it up or talk about it, like I said in my op.
They talk about their relationships pretty often, so that’s when they make their remarks.

OP posts:

justfiveminutes · 11/09/2022 17:29

What sort of remarks? I'm just trying to decide whether they're mean or whether it's the sort of conversation and jokes that happen when friends get together.

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/09/2022 17:32

I wouldn't judge in the slightest. I'd be quite respectful. TBH I think if I'd spent less time "dating" and more time focusing on what I wanted to do with my life when I was younger I'd have gone a lot further.

Dating is over-rated.

Clarinet1 · 11/09/2022 17:33

No, I wouldn’t comment. There is a lot more to life besides pairing off. Someone might be single but find a cure for cancer, make beautiful music, save lives...... I’m not going to say that being single makes them less worthwhile!

Dotcheck · 11/09/2022 17:36

I wouldn’t look down on someone who didn’t dare. I WOULD look down on your friends for making jabs about it.

However, op

Have you said anything?
If it is the status quo, and you’ve never said anything, then it may just be one of those things groups end up doing. Doesn’t mean it’s right, but groups often fall into discussing the same things.

Perhaps when anyone mentions it, start saying something back:

’Surely the only interesting thing about someone isn’t their partner?’

’This is getting old- I’ll let you guys know if there’s every anything new, but in the meantime, let’s discuss something else’

Ragwort · 11/09/2022 17:36

I wouldn't think anything - well I would probably admire you for being more focused on important things rather than being obsessed with dating and 'partnering up' which so many people seem to be. My DB has rarely 'dated' .. in his mid 50s now and leads a very nice life .. retired, own home by the sea and a fulfilling range of hobbies and interests and lots of friends. What's not to like about his life?

AngelaChasesBestLife · 11/09/2022 17:36

I'm not sure if this will help you or not, but DP had not had a relationship and was a virgin when we started dating. Some of my friends were critical of this and had a lot of opinions to the point of telling me I should sack him off. His friends, on the other hand, were just lovely and supportive and delighted we'd gotten together. None of them have ever drawn attention to his lack of relationship history in all the years we've been together. Actually, it was the fact he had so many lovely, warm friends (both male and female) that reassured any private anxieties I had. We've been together a very long time now and knowing him as I do now, I can understand how he got to his 30s without meeting anyone. Sounds to me that you need to find some nicer friends. Go for it if you want to get out there and meet someone, but don't put yourself under pressure, these things tend to happen when you are happy with yourself and not looking.

YellowTreeHouse · 11/09/2022 17:37

hattie43 · 11/09/2022 17:27

Show quote history

Because humans are social creatures. We are designed to want to cohabit with other humans.

Those who choose not to are going against that for whatever reason.

There is a difference between someone settling with a “loser” and someone taking their time to find the right partner, and those who choose a life of solitude.

Dotcheck · 11/09/2022 17:37

date not dare!!

Original poster

AllAloneInThisHouse · 11/09/2022 17:38

@justfiveminutes

So some of the things that’s been said / has happened:

We were out and few guys we kind of knew were there too and one of the guys made a comment of the other guy having talking to me all night and my friend made a comment of not getting too keen, because I wouldn’t know what to do with a man.
The whole table heard this, it was embarrassing.

We were cooking and needed olive oil and she made a loud comment about it being extra virgin oil, ”you know - like you”

And week ago, since the incel stuff has been in the new, two of them started talking if women are incels too and if I worry I’ll turn as crazy as them.

There’s been other, pretty much this kind of stuff.
I’m a quiet person and keep personal stuff to myself, I don’t ever bring this stuff up, mostly bebause I don’t care.

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/09/2022 17:39

@YellowTreeHouse

We are designed to want to cohabit with other humans.

We most certainly are not all designed to want to cohabit. I have cohabited and hated it. I wouldn't put myself through it again if my life depended on it. What a depressing attitude.

People waste far too much time in their youth worrying about coupling off when there are so many more interesting things to do with life. Honestly I would have massive respect for someone who could see past the huge social pressure to couple off and focus on what they really wanted to do with their life.

YellowTreeHouse · 11/09/2022 17:43

@Thepeopleversuswork Humans as a species are designed to cohabit with others and have close relationships.

There are of course individuals, exceptions, but that doesn’t stop that it’s the biological and historical norm for humans to cohabit and have relationships with others.

It’s biological, not societal pressure.

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/09/2022 17:43

@AllAloneInThisHouse

FWIW your friend sounds like a complete nob. I'd find better friends who don't value you only based on who you're dating. You're fine as you are.

Nosizefitsalll · 11/09/2022 17:44

In all honesty I’d be jealous

hattie43 · 11/09/2022 17:45

@YellowTreeHouse

Don't agree at all . Years ago people were expected to couple up but not these days , some people hate living with others and lead very fulfilling lives with friends and other connections . Women also are financially independent and don't need to marry to survive .
Look at the number of threads on here about relationship problems , vis a vis those saying about being lonely . The lonely threads pale into insignificance compared to partner problems .
Either way is fine and totally up to individuals

PornographicPriestess · 11/09/2022 17:47

What do you mean by dated? I've only been on one date in my life but there has been no shortage of men and I'm now happily married

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