Be honest, would you look down on someone who has never dated?

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

I need some perspective about my friends, I can’t tell myself because I’ve never had many friends.

So we’re all well into out 30’s, and yeah - totally inexperienced, I’ve made my peace with for the most part.

But my friends make this little jabs about it, I guess they always have, just to be clear I don’t bring up this part of my life (little embarrassed) and I get kind of mean comments here and there.

So, if you had a friend / person in your life who’s never dated etc. would you comment on it, or be mean about it.

I’m just asking because maybe I need to let them go…

YANBU = no I wouldn’t comment
YABU = yes ai would ”joke” about it, make comments

I'm sure it was very hurtful and will take some time to recover from the turning on you, but I think your better off out of it.
I had a friend like that in my 20s/30s, in my case she made barbed comments in front of men about my "promiscuousness" , which was on a par with hers.
I'm going to guess that your conventionally attractive or at least she thought that there were men interested in you and she was jealous.
I dropped her when I ran out of patience and now in our 40s I think most of her friends have. That kind of group dynamics stops being tolerated the older people get.
If someone I was friends with never dated and never brought it up I wouldn't either. Apart from like your reconnection with your cousin when in making friends I would probably ask if they were in a relationship.
Otherwise it's none of my business and to be honest I find a lot of the relationship talking in female friendships boring and I'm married.
Funny dating stories can be hilarious and of course I'll be supportive if a friend is going through a tough time but I want to talk to my friends about themselves and their thoughts and activities, not that interested in their partners or lack of.
Now you have freed your time from this belittling and incompatible group you will have space to meet more friends who are sympatico.

I'm always interested in updates so thank you for posting.

Well done on asking her to stop. The way they all reacted just proves they weren't really your friends. This now opens up your time and energy to meet better people who won't judge you for being you. Personally I would never tell anyone that I've never dated, its no-ones business but yours, however I would say I haven't met anyone I've liked enough to have a relationship with. That usually stops the conversation from going any further (jic you need a getout).

Ds1 had had one gf and spent long periods of time without a relationship. Ds used to be teased by friends and family which was really hurtful. At 32 he met his dp and they are undoubtedly soulmates. He and she are incredibly happy together and they now have dgs.
Ds2 had girlfriends from early teens pretty much one after the other. He's been single now for eight years and says himself he's too happy being single to want to change things. He likes his life as it is. He gets teased by his friends who are all settled.
I think teasing is very common but you don't have to put up with it.

No, never. I never look down or joke about anybody's love life, because I met my husband at very young age, so I didn't date much too. He was my lucky dip. Your friends sound vile.

I think those comments are horrible. They may be unaware how cruel they are. Some very immature people think teasing others is a way to raise awareness of their unspoken issue.

I think I'd have a word if they started making similar comments again and say, 'You have no idea why I choose to be single at the present time, so stop making comments about virgin olive oil and incels. If you don;t want to sound cruel, please stop.'

But OP, if you feel self conscious about it, why not just go on a few Tinder or Hinge dates. Nothing needs to come of them, but you can get some experience of dating and feel less self conscious.

This might not be what you ar elooking for, but there are specialist dating agencies for aromantic and asexual people. If you went to some of their group socials you might find friends who had a similar attitude to yours and they certainly wouldn't mock you.

Sounds like your "friend" is incredibly insecure about her own relationships and gets some sort of self satisfaction/feeling better out of believing that her life and relationship situation is better than yours by attacking you putting you down. This is a common way for highly insecure people to react - by targetting and attacking other people.

You don't need these sort of people in your life. Because if it isn't about stuff like this it will be about something else. Money, career, house whatever.

Congrats on losing the "friend" - you sound like a nice person so I think you will easily make many more in the future.

I'm sad you've lost who you thought were your friends, but I'm not sad that you've cut these people out of your life because their comments were cruel. I mean, who jokes about extra virgin oil unless they're a teenage boy? Bloody immature.

When I was younger, if someone never dated, I suppose I would notice and briefly wonder what was going on there. Now I'm older, and have seen so many bad relationships, if I look at someone who's never dated, I think 'good for you.'

It just goes to show that our perspectives shift over time.

If you were my friend, and you were happy being single and not dating, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Friends don't judge friends.

Whatever you do, don't be tempted to 'try dating' just to say you've done it. You've got this far through life without bending to peer pressure - if you want to date, date. If you don't... don't.

A romantic partner (or lack of one) doesn't define anyone. You be you, and keep being awesome at it.

No!
They aren't missing that much. It's all fantasy.

If anything, I'd judge or feel bad for somebody who has never been single. (I try not to judge though)

Thank you all again for kind comments, you have no idea how much that means to me.

Yeah, the whole topic is kind of strange to me, I can’t even say that it has never been my thing, because my mind and body and whole system just skipped it all.
If it wasn’t outside pressure I don’t think I’d ever thought about it.

And to goldfinchonthelawn, I have read about asexuals and aromantics and couple of times I’ve checked out FB pages / dating for them, not sure if it’s for me, but I’ll keep in mind. Thank you.

And also @M0rT Funny dating stories can be hilarious and of course I'll be supportive if a friend is going through a tough time but I want to talk to my friends about themselves and their thoughts and activities, not that interested in their partners or lack of.

Thank you for writing this, this is very similar to how I feel.

Well done OP, you handled that really well and tbh you haven't lost anything - because they were never friends. There is nothing wrong with you and I don't think any decent person would judge anyone on this. You've handled this all really well.

If we were friends I can't image never having this come up in conversation - it is unusual. And if you then said what you've said here that would be the end of it.

I wouldn't be mean about it at all. I'd try to support and maybe encourage to dabble in the dating, if that's what they wanted.
However it IS highly unusual and if it were me, I'd want to look into the reasons behind it.

Would I wonder about it? Yes.
Would I gently encourage my friend to discuss if if she wished to, & brought the subject up herself? Yes.
Would I look down on her for it? No. No way, never!

I’m just asking because maybe I need to let them go…
Have you told them that you don't like their teasing?
If you have, & they continue .. yeah let them go, that would be spiteful & immature of them.
If you have not - you need to. Sometimes old jokes in established friendship groups can stick around way past their sell-by date. People on the butt end of the joke can feel hurt, but the people taking the piss are blinded by the customary dynamic & can fail to see it.

So speak up - because it's worth giving them the benefit of the doubt, if you have been tolerating this for years, without telling them to cut it out.

What a great update OP & a relief to read after -

We were out and few guys we kind of knew were there too and one of the guys made a comment of the other guy having talking to me all night and my friend made a comment of not getting too keen, because I wouldn’t know what to do with a man.
The whole table heard this, it was embarrassing.

We were cooking and needed olive oil and she made a loud comment about it being extra virgin oil, ”you know - like you”

That specific woman is a cunt Queen Bee, & the others are probably spinelessly going along with her so she doesn't turn her venom on them. You are better off without shallow twats like that in your life.

It's so nice to read about your cousin being accepting. And why should she not be?! There are plenty of asexual/graysexual people about & I am full of admiration for you for knowing what you want & refusing to kowtow to societal pressure c& conventional expectations.

It's not highly unusual. It's well documented & researched.

www.asexuality.org/
www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/graysexual

As to the reasons behind it - what are the reasons for YOUR sexuality, @mycatisannoying? Could you even begin to articulate them? It's just how you are. There doesn't need to be a 'reason'.

I've dated but I've never had a long relationship (over 10 months) and I'm 38
Why? Various reasons but a few past relationships
He cheated on me, so I ended it
He turned out to have a girlfriend, I ended it
He drank heavily every single night, I ended it
He lied to me about numerous things, I ended it
Most recent one forgot to mention he was actually engaged.. so again I ended it

I just CBA now with the lying and I'm at the "what is the point" stage, meeting men that seem lovely and turn out to be total wankers
But I would rather be single than with someone who isn't, or who is a heavy drinker, drug user, lies constantly etc etc
I could have had long relationships but I won't put up with things some people will so I guess maybe that's why? I haven't met an honest single man that is faithful, doesn't drink heavily and has a job and is a functioning member of society
I don't think I'm asking for much

@mycatisannoying

why on earth would it be any of your business to look into it.

can I look into the reasons behind your dating history?

I mean if I was like that, I might want to look at why and do some work on myself.
I didn't mean that I would delve into it on someone else's behalf

It's funny, but on the MN dating threads, it is generally accepted that if a man has never been in a long-term relationship, it's a big red flag. Maybe it's seen differently for women on here, I don't know.

Very true but you are missing one important factor between men and women not dating.

Boys have cooties 😉

@mycatisannoying
ok I misunderstood your point, but you are still implying that something is wrong, the OP seems quite happy with herself, why should she look into it.

If you were like OP, you would be accepting yourself for who you are, not beating yourself up for not being conventionally heteronormative.

Why would OP need to do any work on herself?

Why do you feel that you don't need to look at the reasons for your normative sex life, but OP should examine hers just because it's less conventional?

Yeah, this pretty well summarized what I don’t like or want.

The ”encouragement” often comes with the attitude ”you’re not normal, so be normal - so that I can be comfortable”.

It’s funny how this may be unusual, but I never felt that, until people kept telling me so.
It always seem like a bigger deal for others.

Yeah sorry thats disgusting.
Telling OP to do some work on herself because she doesn't want to date? Because of course, dating and relationships are the only thing worth bothering with in life aren't they? So patronising and wrong.