Be honest, would you look down on someone who has never dated?

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

I need some perspective about my friends, I can’t tell myself because I’ve never had many friends.

So we’re all well into out 30’s, and yeah - totally inexperienced, I’ve made my peace with for the most part.

But my friends make this little jabs about it, I guess they always have, just to be clear I don’t bring up this part of my life (little embarrassed) and I get kind of mean comments here and there.

So, if you had a friend / person in your life who’s never dated etc. would you comment on it, or be mean about it.

I’m just asking because maybe I need to let them go…

YANBU = no I wouldn’t comment
YABU = yes ai would ”joke” about it, make comments

They sound mean. Go your own way.

This just isn't true. There's a biological drive (in most people) to have sex and have children. And humans are (generally) a social species and thrive in communities.

But there's absolutely nothing biological about people falling over themselves to cohabit. That's purely social conditioning. And while it makes a lot of sense to cohabit when you have children together there's no rationale for doing it before then. And plenty of good reasons not to in my view. Certainly when you're this young it shouldn't be this much of a priority.

@hattie43 It’s nothing to do with expectation or societal pressure. It’s biological. It’s innate.

Not for everyone

As already stated, I am talking about humans as a species.

Like with everything, there are exceptions.

However if you are the exception, you are going against the biological norm.

They’re very rude and not what I’d call friends to behave like that. Yes it’s quite unusual but certainly not a reason to look down on someone, and no one else’s business but yours - I’d suggest they might feel inadequate themselves to make fun of someone else.

Do you think early humans coupled up and moved into a cave together?

mt sister is well into her 30s and never dated. I would never make jokes about it.

To be honest, when I was a lot younger I probably would have thought it odd.
Now I’m in my forties- absolutely not!

That sounds pretty mean, but sometimes in friendship groups things can get out of hand and people don't realise what's hurtful. It's tough being shy and not knowing what to say in the moment - maybe spend some time thinking of snappy comebacks so they're ready if another remark comes your way? Or you could speak to one of the group privately to say it makes you uncomfortable.

I wouldn't look down on a friend for never having dated no

But I'd definitely consider it weird at 30, and honestly, it might be a factor in not being that close as usually you're friends with people similar to yourself, and most people talk about their relationships, sex lives etc. and I'd feel a bit awkward doing that with a friend who had never experienced any of it.

Yes they sound mean. Time to distance yourself and make new friends.

I'm 30 and I have a few friends that have never had a relationship.

I have never said a word. To be honest, I can understand why most of them haven't had a relationship, but I would never comment unless they asked me and they are still fab friends.

My husbands oldest friend is 40 this year (as is my husband). In the time he has known him (since they were born!) he has never known him to date - man or woman. He also lives with his mum. He is the NICEST human being - a real sensitive, gentle soul. I have asked my husband why he hasn’t ever dated/settled down and my husband has just never asked him as he feels if it was something he wanted to talk about he would, and my husband respects that. So friends should not tease, no.

@YellowTreeHouse I don't think you understand what "innate" means.

There are innate biological urges to have sex and reproduce, for sure (although not everyone even has these). But there's no innate urge to put down a deposit for a compact and bijoux two up two down in Acacia Avenue and spend every weekend for the next two years in Ikea with your other half. This is purely socially determined.

Prehistoric people didn't bother with any of that. They just had sex, got knocked up and the woman hitched her wagon to whoever looked like he could kill the most buffalo.

The desire to protect your offspring by housing them is probably just practical. Unless you are expecting children, what you're talking about has nothing to do with biology it is just status signalling.

After your update - well, if I was in company when remarks like that were made, it would certainly raise my eyebrows (about the speaker). It's them not you OP.

Changing the subject, out of interest, have you had romantic feelings about, or a crush on, anyone - a classmate, a colleague, a friend or acquaintance? In my experience that only happened to me when I was 18 (single sex school/ straight woman, so to be fair opportunities before that were limited!). There is clearly a biological foundation to people's romantic urges, and we know humans vary a bit in the pace of their development.

Your friends aren't very friendly! That's not a normal way to speak to someone, much less a friend. If that was the nature of your friendship, making jabs at each other, it might be acceptable (but not my idea of real friendship, tbh). However, it seems that they must know you're not enjoying the comments, and yet they do it anyway.

Yes, it is unusual for someone never to have dated, but it's not unheard of. I'd never remark upon it unless they specifically asked me for my opinion on something, because it's likely that there's an emotional, personal reason behind it, and it's none of my business.

There is this nonsense put about now which comes of course mainly from Hollywood and from the media that unless you hop into bed with people you are abnormal and worthless. I knew a lady who has given her life’s work to bringing relief to people in far off tribes in Africa. She has never dated as no opportunity. Does that make her worthless? Don’t believe the nonsense and peer pressure and live your own life

Your husband sounds so lovely 😊
I really like his way of thinking, that if his friend wanted to talk about - he would.

Your friends sound mean but I do think by 30s it is someone unusual to have never even gone on one singular date. That said each to their own. You really aren't missing out on much!!!

This is odd, I have lots of friends who've never dated and never had a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. I don't spend any time thinking about it in all honest, except from sometimes wondering if they'd like to be set up with someone else I know! I think it's very unusual to pass comment imho, even if it is in a jokey way

@Fenella123
Changing the subject, out of interest, have you had romantic feelings about, or a crush on, anyone - a classmate, a colleague, a friend or acquaintance?

Simply put, no I have not.
I waited and waited, but such feelings never showed up.

This is sheer bitchiness OP, get some new friends.

looking down on someone because they’ve never dated to make yourself feel better about yourself is like any other kind of bitchiness or bullying - it’s their problem not yours.

If you want to date date, if you don’t don’t.

You might get some people wondering why you haven’t, but people are much more accepting of different life patterns these days.

Friends? They sound like utter bitches.
Nobody has the right to ask you why you are not dating, to judge you or to be mean about it.
There is an obsession with coupling up. Some people can only be happy when they are with someone. Sad really.
Relationships can come in many forms, not just romantic. You never have to feel like you need to justify why you are single to anyone. I have many single friends in their thirties who have very fun and fulfilling lives. The idea you can only be happy and fulfilled with a partner is a ridiculous one.

Wanting to date as a means to a long term relationship is not innate, it’s a social construct.

We have an innate drive to have sex and we are innately social, but neither of those necessarily mean long term pairing up.