Be honest, would you look down on someone who has never dated?

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

I need some perspective about my friends, I can’t tell myself because I’ve never had many friends.

So we’re all well into out 30’s, and yeah - totally inexperienced, I’ve made my peace with for the most part.

But my friends make this little jabs about it, I guess they always have, just to be clear I don’t bring up this part of my life (little embarrassed) and I get kind of mean comments here and there.

So, if you had a friend / person in your life who’s never dated etc. would you comment on it, or be mean about it.

I’m just asking because maybe I need to let them go…

YANBU = no I wouldn’t comment
YABU = yes ai would ”joke” about it, make comments

My husband's relationship history when I met him at mid 30s was one 6 month relationship when very young and a couple of 1/2 week 'relationships'. No I didn't judge!

@Qweent It's odd in your world, not in mine. The world don't move to the beat of just one drum.

I'm not all that invested in my friends' historical private lives. Mine's too chaotic for them to bother with; it cuts both ways 😊

I wonder if they just don’t understand and are trying to prod you into talking about it. Very clumsy of course but there might not be any malice. Have you explained how you feel about dating? That you just aren’t interested?

@Pawpatrolwereonaroll

Oh, I’ve told them.
And I have try to explain that I just don’t think about these things and I’m totally fine with all (all I wish is that being single, not dating or having sex would be less of an taboo - totally okey for other’s to this things btw).

They don’t really listen and get told I just need to get it over with.

The whole thing sucks, because they actually dropped the subject for a long time.
But I think it’s because the main instigator broke up with her boyfriend and is now back into a dating scene, so this stuff is on her mind a lot and pointing out my situation seems to be fresh on her mind.

Your friends sound awful, and you deserve better.

I have a friend who, like you, just isn't very interested. He's very sociable; he has a good job; he has lots of interests. It's just that romantic relationships aren't one of them. We've been friends for years and he brings a lot to my life. His (maybe?) asexuality is, frankly, one of the least interesting things about him and not something that I'd be impertinent enough to comment on.

Find some friends who like and appreciate you for you, and who are less preoccupied with your sex live.

NT?
As in neurotypical?
Yes.

Asexuality is a thing. Your friends are dicks. If you're happy they should be happy for you. Don't ever think that there's anything wrong with you.
BTW if you did have those feelings and your friends made that comment on the night out, this may have embarrassed the man enough to make him back off therefore spoiling your chances.
I think they're thoughtless. If their partners were satisfying them in bed they could stop worrying about what's going on in yours.

Your ‘friend’ sounds the kind who would have a bitchy comment on anything- if it wasn’t your relationship status it would be something else . Her remarks are just plain nasty , and I would be very disappointed if my other friends in the group didn’t call her out on it to some extent.
to boil it down, it’s definitely them not you , get a group of kinder people around you - I know that’s easier said than done, but will be well worth it in the end. Don’t let anyone make you feel that the the way they choose to live their life is the only way , and try to make you feel bad because it’s not your way ! Chin up - live your life the way that makes you happy

I voted YABU because I don't think it's unreasonable for friends to ask about your relationship status or to be able to communicate honestly rather single or not, but then you drip fed it with the nasty comments they made so I changed it to YANBU so I changed my mind in this context. I think your vote may be unreliable

I'm surprised that your friends and in their 30s and making comments like that, a teenager acting like that I could understand.
Sorry OP, these friends are being mean and unkind. Would you feel able to talk to them about it, to tell them their comments are unkind and ask why they are trying to embarrass you?

Goodness, I would focus more on making new friends who share your interests. These ones do sound depressing.

I would think about your non-dating i suppose. But more because I'm not very evolved myself. I hope I wouldn't make comments like your 'friends' have.

Oh God you do not need those "friends". I would never dream of even saying those things about anyone, it's just outright nastiness and I suspect you're "competition" to this awful woman now she's single (small wonder when she's that snide).

I'm very like you (but even older). I've done a small bit of dating long ago and hated it . And had a couple of crap non-relationships with male friends who didn't treat me well. I've not had sex in a very long time and feel quite ashamed of this. But for a while now I've just not been bothered, bar the old mild celebrity crush, and thought of living with someone fills me with horror! I'm sure this is something my friends and family are curious about and they probably do discuss it - but not with me!

When I was younger I was forever having intense crushes but never moved forward. Due to crippling lack of confidence, lack of emotional maturity and looking like bag of spanners.

But not had a crush in forever so that part of me appears to be dead!

I do often imagine how I could have done things differently. But I really think that's more about the stigma than actually feeling like I've passed up The One (I definitely haven't!)

So sending you spinstery solidarity

Hi @FloraPostIt !

I do often imagine how I could have done things differently. But I really think that's more about the stigma than actually feeling like I've passed up The One (I definitely haven't!)

I feel this way every now and then.
I’m fine with being single most of the time, just sometimes there are those thoughts how ”did this happen, I was told that everybody wants and haves relationships, what am I not getting here”.

So sending you spinstery solidarity

Thank you, and same to you!
😄

No I wouldn't. I'd be interested in talking to them though.

There are many reasons why someone might not have dated. I think id be compassionate rather than judgemental.

“So, if you had a friend / person in your life who’s never dated etc. would you comment on it, or be mean about it.”

I wouldn’t be mean about it – ever. I may talk to the friend privately about it though because I care about my friends and their happiness.

It sounds like more of a finding a way to handle your friends’ comments problem rather than an eternal singleton problem so…..

Next time one of them comes out with a comment like “don’t bother, she wouldn’t know what to do with a man” or some such, just laugh and say “you say that like it’s a bad thing” (I know you find it far from funny but sometimes you just godda fake it).

This.

We are designed to want to cohabit with other humans.

Humans were not "designed".

I have a male friend who has never dated (he has aspergers).

I personally couldn't care less if he has or hasn't - he's a fabulous man. We don't joke about it, but it has come up in discussion (he's brought it up).

I do, however, wish he'd find his special lady (he's desperate for it to happen).

Your “friends” are mean and bitchy. I’d drop the ones who made comments ASAP, and find some new ones.

That’s schoolkid behaviour, not the kind of thing grown adults should be saying. And no it isn’t normal. I’d never dream of commenting on someone’s private life like that! They are 100% in the wrong here: you’d more than justified in kicking them to the kerb.

I'd think they were very wise, very self confident and very happy. Especially if they didn't talk about wanting to date. wanting to be in a relationship and so on.

But simply content, confident and happy in oneself.

Nothing wrong with that 😊

Next time one of them comes out with a comment like “don’t bother, she wouldn’t know what to do with a man” or some such, just laugh and say “you say that like it’s a bad thing” (I know you find it far from funny but sometimes you just godda fake it).

I wouldn’t be letting there be a “next time”, to be honest. I had enough of having to pretend I wasn’t hurt by mean comments at school, and wouldn’t tolerate it as an adult.

However if these friends have any redeeming features OP, and you have any interest in keeping them around, you could always try the Mumsnet staple on them: “Did you mean to be so rude?”