Be honest, would you look down on someone who has never dated?

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

I need some perspective about my friends, I can’t tell myself because I’ve never had many friends.

So we’re all well into out 30’s, and yeah - totally inexperienced, I’ve made my peace with for the most part.

But my friends make this little jabs about it, I guess they always have, just to be clear I don’t bring up this part of my life (little embarrassed) and I get kind of mean comments here and there.

So, if you had a friend / person in your life who’s never dated etc. would you comment on it, or be mean about it.

I’m just asking because maybe I need to let them go…

YANBU = no I wouldn’t comment
YABU = yes ai would ”joke” about it, make comments

It wouldn't judge you but I would sure as hell judge them. I know a few people who are similar, don't know the reason for it or even if there is one, quite simply because it's none of my business.

Talk about immature, invasive, rude individuals. Friends don't treat people like that.

I'm a 25 year old woman who hasn't dated. The other day I was wondering why I've opted out and I realised I just can't be bothered with it all. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out in a way, but I wouldn't be able to date anyway because I don't live alone. Never say never but I wouldn't say I'm odd or unhappy about it.

Nah, there's more to life than dating. It suits some but not all. I've had spells in relationships, married and single. Can't say any one is definitively better than another, just what suited me at the time.

I'd be more inclined to look down on those who settled for partnering with losers and live low quality lives due to the fear of being alone long before looking down on those who chose to be independent.

I am you OP, I identify as aromantic asexual. I have been on two dates in my life when I was 18 and reasoned that maybe if I tried it then something might kickstart. It didn't, it hasn't and I'm 44 years old now so I doubt it even will.

Your friends are dicks, NONE of my friends say anything, if it bothers them then they don't say or act like it.

If you want to link up to people who may feel similarly then www.asexuality.org/?q=romanticorientation is quite good and the forums are fairly busy www.asexuality.org/en/

I wouldn't be able to date anyway because I don't live alone.

Do you mean you're in a shared house or liv8ng with your parents? Why would that mean you can't date? Not wanting to is fair enough,but the shared houses I was in in my 20s, there was loads of dating going on.

@DatingDinosaur
I may talk to the friend privately about it though because I care about my friends and their happiness.

Can I ask why would talk about it/ what is there to say?

I just mean that to me, personally, being single and freedom and bodily autonomy that being single brings me are the things that make me happy.

I have a few friends who haven't dated, in their late 30's-40's. It's because they have high standards and would rather be single and live a fulfilling life than be in unhappy relationships. They'd still like to find someone, but certainly not something a true friend would jibe at.

I am a similar age and in a similar position to you. I’d feel so humiliated if a friend said that in a group of people, I don’t think I could still be friends with them. It’s one thing asking one-to-one out of curiosity some time, that I wouldn’t mind if it was only occasionally.

I have a friend in her mid 30s who in the decade I’ve known her has never been on a date, never talked about a specific man. Nobody in our close group mentions it. I certainly don’t look down on her.

I hate school locker talk. Nope nothing unusual about my single intelligent friends not wanting to hump the nearest available thing.

Only one of them may be due to issues they need intensive therapy for, whereas many others- the match just hasn't happened.

If I haven't met my husband I would have been probably a forever singleton. Easy for me to form superficial friendships but pretty much impossible to truly click and form deep bond with someone. It is once in lifetime miracle for me.

The latter. It means you can't because you don't have your own space and have to consider others. Maybe others do it while they still live at home but frankly I wouldn't feel comfortable.

I wouldn't be mean about it, but I would consider it weird.

Good for you OP. A recent study found that women who were single and childless were the happiest.

Definitely some people don't feel attracted emotionally or sexually to others too and that's ok.

Hi OP

Lots to unpick here – firstly, your friends are idiots, but all those saying ‘get new friends’ – it’s not always that easy! Making friends as you get older is tough, so I’d advise, if you’re able, pulling one friend aside (perhaps the least bitchy one from the group who might be able to pass the message on) and say that their comments are unkind and you’d like them to stop.

I was really struck by one of your recent replies – you say ‘…personally, being single and free and [the] bodily autonomy that being single brings me are the things that make me happy.’ Well, if that’s how you feel, then good on you. It seems like you know what you want, and you know what makes you happy, so hold your ground!

Finally, I understand your query in the original post, which is essentially ‘would you judge me’ because it’s something I’ve always wondered about too. I’m in a slightly similar position in that I'm in my late 30s and I’ve never had a long-term relationship although I’ve short-term dated a LOT – basically, I’ve never met the right person and I’m not prepared to settle for someone who I don’t want.

Either way, I’m always worried that my friends, family, work colleagues and any future guys I meet judge me for my lack of long-term relationships, and that there’s something ‘wrong’ with me.

There’s a LOT of shame mixed up with this outlook. Shame is such a destructive emotion and can trap you in this weird cycle of silence, secrecy and judgement.

So, for anyone reading this thread, and is identifying with some of the issues, I’d really recommend reading some of the work that Brene Brown does around shame (e.g. Daring Greatly).

Essentially, she says that empathy both from yourself and your loved ones (and in this case your friends), is the antidote to shame. She states that showing vulnerability and treating yourself or being treated with compassion can help overcome shame. I’m massively paraphrasing her work here so definitely watch some of her Ted Talks!

Sorry for writing so much – but just know OP that your outlook and way of handling it is great!💐

It means you can't because you don't have your own space and have to consider others.

But if you're dating, doesn't that mean going out? Meeting someone for drinks or a walk or a meal? I'd have to have known someone a good long while before I'd inflict my family on them.

My BIL had his 1st girlfriend at 38 (mow married).

I would never make snide comments. He's a very shy introvert and was very happy with his career and hobbies. It was just who his was.

I think he wantes love though and his wife is very similar: they both enjoy their hobbies and alone time.

I've never dated because I've never wanted to - and my friends have never ever made me feel bad about it. My close friends and I have talked about it on occasion, but it's really not even close to being an interesting thing about me. Live how you want OP and for sure bring it up with your friends if they're making you feel uncomfortable - that isn't ok!

I'd never had a relationship until I met my dh at the age of 30.
I had a few comments in my 20s which I can remember. One of my friends carelessly said once, "I'd be absolutely amazed if you ever said you were pregnant."

And someone else (not a friend) once said, "yes, you look like a single person." Who says that to someone?!!! I don't think I did actually but it kind of hurt at the time.

However, like I said, met dh aged 30. We soon decided we wanted to start a family. 4 months into the relationship, I became pregnant. We also moved in together and got engaged. It was a whirlwind, especially considering I'd never even kissed a man before I met dh!

Why hadn't it happened before? Because I told myself I wasn't good enough to be in a relationship and that nobody would ever want or like me.

So I'd never say anything mean to anyone who's never had a relationship. It's very personal and it be there's some deeper stuff going on so showing kindness and sensitivity is a must.

@AllAloneInThisHouse I wouldn’t make “A Point” of talking about it but if the conversation cropped up (in a natural way) I’d probably check that it was your choice and not driven by fear.

I certainly wouldn’t use whatever you told me as ammunition in public either like your friends are doing.

I would never make such mean and spiteful remarks to someone in their 30s who has never dated (and is possibly a virgin.) What a mean-spirited thing to do.

I would think it unusual though I'm not gonna lie. And I would definitely not be jealous of them. But I wouldn't look down on them or think myself better than them.

I have to be honest here though, I think I would feel a bit sorry for them/pity them a little. I know that won't go down well with some, but I would genuinely feel sorry for someone who was in their 30s or 40s (or older,) and has NEVER been in a relationship. I would imagine it would get really lonely after a while. I was single up to my mid 20s, and really didn't like it. I love being in a relationship/married.

Just my opinion.

I'd be curious as I'm the same (been on a few dates and had a handful of sexual encounters, but never been in a relationship because I'm not interested), but I wouldn't ever mention it unless you brought it up. Much less made snide comments in public.

My real friends are completely unbothered and I expect they don't even think about it really. I have a couple of friends who are more of the work acquaintance type, who would think it was weird and would almost certainly talk about it behind my back, if not make 'jokes' to my face like your so-called friends do. With them I'm upfront about not dating at the moment, but occasionally make vague reference to exes and join in with their 'men, what are they like?' eyerolling so as to blend in more. Theyre not proper friends though, they're the kind of people I'll lose touch with as soon as circumstances are no longer bringing us together, so I don't feel I have to be honest with them.

This absolutely. I often read posts on here where women are putting up with absolute monsters & although I don’t look down, I’ll be honest, I do sometimes think gosh what is wrong with them putting up with all this.

A little update that no one asked, and probably no one cares about.

But! So I tried one more time, after building the courage to ask the main instigator to stop and told her she was being hurtful.
Well, that only made things worse and she spinned it around back to me, saying I’m just jealous and awful insults about my inexperience that I donmt want to repeat or remember.
So I went no contact with her, and the rest of my ”friends” have barely had any contact with me.
I guess I lost them too.

On a happier note, this kind of pushed me to get back in touch with my cousin and as when we were cathing up with each other’s lives, the dreaded question about boyfriend and dating came up and I didn’t go to details, but said that it’s not something I’m interested in and she took it pretty well and we moved on to talk about other things.
I’m so happy! We actually have spend little more time / texting and it’s been a relief to see that not everyone is judgemental or a bully.

I just wanted to thank thise who gave some perspective to see that they were out of line.

Good for you, you don't need people like that in your life. It speaks more to their insecurities than anything about you.

I'm 57 and haven't 'dated since my 40s when I adopted my son.
Its not been an active decision- just the way life panned out. I have lots of friends, nearly all in couples, none have made any remarks about me being single.

Good luck with finding more friends who share your interests