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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not remove this picture

168 replies

Barnacle1 · 11/09/2022 15:17

Been away for a night this weekend with my husband, our two DC and my DSC. Just got back about an hour ago and posted a picture on FB of all the kids together just saying lovely break with the family.

My husband rarely used FB although he has it (his profile pic is blank and there's nothing on his page, don't think he's been on it for years) but I tagged him in the photo.

His ex, mother of DSC, messaged me and asked me to remove the photo stating they aren't my DC and she doesn't like the thought of their pictures being posted by me (she posts their pictures all the time so nothing about not wanting their photos posted ever).

DH isn't bothered by it so I'm minded to just ignore it. In my mind, he's as much their parent and he doesn't mind.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 11/09/2022 22:27

You are aware I could take a picture of your kids at the park and post it wherever I like right?
But only a complete arsehole would do this, so as an argument it's a bit on the weak side.

Lindy2 · 11/09/2022 22:28

I didn't think you should take it down.

You're married to the children's father. You are a family - whether the ex likes it or not.

When the children are with your DH and you, then you can choose what's appropriate between your DH and you.

When the children are with their mother, then she chooses.

That what being separated means. Separate lives.

She is just trying to exert control over you, when she has no right to.

If you were only posting photos of your own children she'd probably complain you've left hers out.

pickledpotato · 11/09/2022 22:29

Johnnysgirl · 11/09/2022 22:27

You are aware I could take a picture of your kids at the park and post it wherever I like right?
But only a complete arsehole would do this, so as an argument it's a bit on the weak side.

Maybe check the comment I was replying to before making yourself look a fool

Speedbumps · 11/09/2022 22:33

If she isn't comfortable with it I'd remove them. Maybe she's being unreasonable but why antagonise her about something rather minor. Also, maybe she wants control over who sees the photos, ie she might be ok with people in her friends list seeing the pics but not people in yours.

TrufflesForBreakfast · 11/09/2022 22:37

YABU op.

KhaleesiDothraki · 11/09/2022 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - this has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OGLittlePickerWithTheMassiveKnickers · 11/09/2022 22:51

YANBU. You are their family too, your DH is fine with it. SHE needs to get a life.

Marchmount · 11/09/2022 22:57

No idea why you posted here. This is mumsnet where the consensus is always that the stepmum is in the wrong and the mums opinion is more important than the dads. Mums can be as unpleasant, irrational and downright bonkers but posters on here will always find some way to make it the stepmoms fault.

I’m not a stepmum but always enjoyed seeing photos of the kids out with my ex and his girlfriend as I was happy that they were having fun & having new experiences. His girlfriend even tagged me in the photos which according to some people here would probably be a capital offence.

Shes being petty but I wouldn’t rise to it. Just block her so she won’t see any of your photos.

TheOtherWoman2 · 11/09/2022 22:59

Is it really worth the fight? Do you care that much about flaunting your dc on Facebook that you want this fight?

cherish123 · 11/09/2022 23:03

Just remove it.

santorinii · 11/09/2022 23:03

just remove the photo? If anyone, any age, asked you to remove a photo of them I’d hope (as a decent person) you oblige. It doesn’t matter whether you think it’s justified or not. Yes, it’s not a photo of the mother herself but she’s allow to speak on behalf of the kids if they’re young.

in the future:

  • block her
  • crop them out/put something to cover their faces
  • take pics of just your kids too to post

you never know, her privacy settings may be higher than your privacy settings. So nefarious people can’t see her kids on her page, but can on yours

Blossomtoes · 11/09/2022 23:09

I’d remove it. I’ve been a SM for 24 years and learnt very early on that the less antagonism there was between us and their mum, the happier everyone’s lives were. Just get rid of it.

ShaneTwane · 11/09/2022 23:23

Yanbu. Block her and ignore the people here who think a fathers opinion on his own childrens photo is worthless.

You are their stepmother. He is their father. You have every right to take photos of all the children together and its nice for them to grown up feeling included in the family despite their mothers petty jealousy.

Boxowine · 11/09/2022 23:57

She sounds like a lunatic, but the thing about crazy people is you can never win. Because they're crazy. I think you should take it down but only because she is their mother and has the right, even if it is something only a lunatic would request. Then block her.
And let the kids put it on their wall if they're old enough to have a Facebook. She should be grateful you're not a wicked stepmother.

steff13 · 12/09/2022 01:53

I think if it's ok with him you're fine to leave it.

osmanthusfragrans · 12/09/2022 02:27

Normally, I'd say take it down this time, block her, and then carry on. But if she's expecting you to take care of her children while they're with their father, and she puts their photos on FB herself, I'd find it difficult to take "orders" from her. You're good enough to serve as childminder? Then you're good enough to post a nice photo with the children.

Musti · 12/09/2022 02:34

block her and she won’t see your content. It wouldn’t bother me if my ex’s gf posted pics of my kids. She’s really nice and treats my kids really well and I really appreciate it.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 12/09/2022 03:22

Lindy2 · 11/09/2022 22:28

I didn't think you should take it down.

You're married to the children's father. You are a family - whether the ex likes it or not.

When the children are with your DH and you, then you can choose what's appropriate between your DH and you.

When the children are with their mother, then she chooses.

That what being separated means. Separate lives.

She is just trying to exert control over you, when she has no right to.

If you were only posting photos of your own children she'd probably complain you've left hers out.

I agree with this ⬆️. 100%

They are your husband's children too, what happens when they are with him is his decision, not the ex's. If you, as their step mother wish to display photos of them, and their father has no issue with it, then that is your right and prerogative.

And I also get why you would tag your DH despite him not really using FB much - he may have family on his friends list that you don't, who would like to see the kids.

Leave it up, block the ex. Even better, get DH to block the ex. She's being petty - as she obviously has no qualms about actually putting her children on SM, it's purely an antagonistic act to try to get you to take it down. Don't rise to her childish demands.

zoeFromCity · 12/09/2022 03:48

I see a difference between father wanting to post the children (himself) and father who doesn't care much and wants to avoid drama. If it was his active wish and their mother is posting them as well, I would say ok, but he sounds more indifferent than enthusiastic about this. I'd pick situations where you use your partner's backing against their mum more carefully.

There is no need to use for FB specifically family photos with clearly visible faces anyway.

Marvellousmadness · 12/09/2022 03:59

Yabu
And your response later is childish
Saying you'd rather have a good connection with the step kids then with the bio mum and that she is threatened

Put a sticker over the kids faces
Or better yet remove it

Its not your place to put up photos of OTHER peoples kids.

Stop being so juvenile about it. Grow up and remove the photo !

DifficultBloodyWoman · 12/09/2022 05:11

OP, you are in the wrong.

You are the step mother in this situation.You must respect the mother’s wishes. If she doesn’t want her child in online photos, you can’t post photos of her child online.

Also, if you post photos of your child online but not hers, then you are deliberately excluding her child/your stepchild and you are the wicked stepmother! How could you do that to her poor child?!?

————————————

Quick question for all posters - what if stepchild has been welcomed into the family? Step grandparents buy equal presents for birthdays and Christmas etc. Step Aunt is getting married and wants all her nieces and nephews to be bridesmaids, flower girls and page boys.

Can mum veto that?
Can mum veto photos of that?
Can mum say veto photos of someone else’s wedding?
Can mum say veto photos of someone else’s wedding online?

Just curious where the line should be drawn.

Cocococococo · 12/09/2022 07:41

DifficultBloodyWoman · 12/09/2022 05:11

OP, you are in the wrong.

You are the step mother in this situation.You must respect the mother’s wishes. If she doesn’t want her child in online photos, you can’t post photos of her child online.

Also, if you post photos of your child online but not hers, then you are deliberately excluding her child/your stepchild and you are the wicked stepmother! How could you do that to her poor child?!?

————————————

Quick question for all posters - what if stepchild has been welcomed into the family? Step grandparents buy equal presents for birthdays and Christmas etc. Step Aunt is getting married and wants all her nieces and nephews to be bridesmaids, flower girls and page boys.

Can mum veto that?
Can mum veto photos of that?
Can mum say veto photos of someone else’s wedding?
Can mum say veto photos of someone else’s wedding online?

Just curious where the line should be drawn.

This is exactly it isn't it. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

You can guarantee if it had been the other way around and the photo had been posted with the DSC cropped out or with stickers over their faces poster's would be calling OP unreasonable for not including her DSC because they are her family. And yet here they apparently aren't her family and the only reason you'd call them such is to piss off their mother... It's hilarious.

And the step mother is the one who needs to grow up? Maybe the mother should go and read some of the threads in the step parenting section and thank her lucky stars that her children have a SM who actively wants to include them in her definition of family.

And no, you can't decide one minute that someone's good enough to look after the children when you need something but should back off the next.

I know posters here like to think it but it really isn't mum's way or the highway. Their dad is an equal parent and he doesn't mind.

Cocococococo · 12/09/2022 07:42

In fact I actually would change it and put a sticker over the kids faces and see how much she likes that. I bet she doesn't.

MessyBunPersonified · 12/09/2022 08:28

I'm petty as fuck so I think you should remove the photo from your page.

Repost it on husbands page, and write a huge gushing post about what a great time we had thanks to op and tag you in it.

Then I would block her and get in with doing whatever I usually do anyways.

It sounds like she has very little control over the children's relationship with you and their dad so goes all out when she can get a tiny bit of control about something.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 12/09/2022 09:06

allboysherebutme · 11/09/2022 22:08

I'd message back and say, I know I'm not their mother, I'm fully aware of that, but you don't mind them coming to my house and me looking after them, cooking for them, cleaning up after them and doing their washing, so you get free time. The picture is staying. X

Are you serious? You are married to their father. They come to your house for contact with their father. Unless he's a complete waste of oxygen, he should be doing those things for his children on his time with them