To not explain death of Queen to 4 year old?

[Schooldaysagain]

I've managed to avoid explaining death to my 4 year old so far. We lost FIL during the pandemic and he believes his beloved grandfather moved far away and still sends him presents and emails (which I read out from my phone)
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Gosh this is awful if it's real.

My four year old was told that my dad died when she was two. She knows that he was very sick, and that the doctors tried their hardest but they couldn't make him better. "Died" means that his body stopped working and we won't see him again. It's very sad, but we also have lots of lovely memories and that's why we have his photo up, because we love him. She seems to have successfully internalised this well enough, occasionally asks questions which we answer truthfully.

She and all of her friends are currently obsessed with death.

We turned the news on over dinner for the announcement on Thursday, so she knows the Queen has died - she was sad because she wants it to still be the jubilee (we're Irish in NI, so the extent of the jubilee was a few activities in preschool and nursery).

She's at primary school now so she had an assembly on Friday where the head spoke about the Queen being someone's mummy and granny.

I cannot believe your DC is the same age and so uninformed. You need to work on that sharpish, especially if DC is at nursery or school as they'll get a very garbled message from their friends.

If course it was appropriate. Leave out any in depth details but telling him his Grandad has died is of course the right thing to do.
He may think he's never going to see him again but as he thinks he's still alive, sending texts and messages, he probably does have that bit of hope that he'll visit. What age are you planning on lying to him until? When he eventually finds out he'll be hurt you never told him.

As for the Queen, he will hear about it at school. It is up to you whether you tell him or not but he will hear about her death.

You can't wrap them in cotton wool forever

The Queen passing, YANBU but his grandfather YABU

You very clearly said still sends him presents and emails (which I read out from my phone), no point denying it now people have pointed out just how wrong that is.

Your child will probably already no about the Queen if they were at school on Friday and they will cope with it fine, putting your own fear about death and the feelings around it onto your child is doing them a disservice.

FGS OP when did you plan for the jig to be up about his grandad?! Would he be an adult thinking grandad just lives far away but never bothered to see him?!

Death is a part of life, shielding children from death is completely ridiculous. You just need to explain the definition of dying - they are old/unwell and stop breathing and being with us, through no fault of their own, but we always remember how much we love them and talk about them often.

OP this article is quite good on talking about death to children: sarahockwell-smith.com/2019/04/06/talking-to-children-about-death/

Yes, you need to talk about the Queen having died (because every child is going to hear about it, they need to have heard you talk about it and be able to ask you questions), and you need to ensure your child understands that grandad has died.

Children need to learn about death in order to become functioning adults.

The younger they do this, the easier it is.

A distant figure like the Queen, a family pet (OMG the gerbils), an elderly grandparent are all ideal figures to explain that humans are not immortal and we are upset, even adults are upset, when someone dies.

My MIL yesterday was telling me her memories of when the last King died - it was really special hearing it from her. She was tiny, but her mum had taken her to wave at the Royal Train. She has lovely photos of her lining up her dolls for a Coronation as well.

Give your son some credit for having a brain and some resilience.

OP you have gone about this in the wrong way, I understand you wanted to protect your child and didn't want them to be hurt but you are projecting an adult thought process and emotional reaction on to a child.

I had to tell my then 5 yr old brother that our mum had died, I agonised over how to do it and how he would react but it was actually very straightforward.

I told him that mum had gotten poorly, the doctors weren't able to fix her and she had died. He asked when he would see her again and I explained that she had died which meant she was gone forever but that she loved him and he would always remember her and I'd help him to remember by telling him stories.

That was that, he understood, he accepted and he adapted. He was sad sometimes, there were tears but he understood.

I strongly recommend that you end the deceit around his grandfather now.

Amongst still competition this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read on MN 😂

YABVVVVU and ridiculous.

And weird.

Get a grip.

A distant figure like the Queen, a family pet (OMG the gerbils),

Absolutely. Leading to the immortal words from our then two year old: grandad very died - like fishy!

DH lost his gran just before xmas and I had to explain it to our then 4 year old who was close with her. There's a book called Badgers Parting Gifts which helped, there is a video on YouTube of someone reading it if you didn't want to buy it.
You do need to make it clear the same applies for grandad though, not just the queen.
If your child was at school Friday they will likely know already about the queen.

DD was 4/5 when her DGG died young(57) and we told her so. She had visited him in hospitals knew he was ill. It’s hard but necessary. One of the hardest questions from a child is when they realise you and they will die but that is the basis of life. You need to start talking about life. Start with nature, leaves in autumn etc

Honestly I can’t stop laughing at this 😂😂

Of course you explain death to children. What you are doing RE his grandfather is seriously messed up.
If you actually need how to do this explaining to you in black and white, look up child friendly ways of explaining dying online, although this is instinct for most parents!

DGF

If this is genuine, it is really fucked up.

This so isn't about the queen's death, it's about death in general, what a messed up thing to do about fil! My grandad died last my children were 2 and 4, we explained to the 4 year old that his loved great grandad had been old and sick and died, so his body was gone but we love him and will always think of him. Told the younger one the same as he aged into understanding. No lies, no weirdness. Wth

Why not just tell him the Queens gone to be Queen of another country but she’ll still send the Christmas Message and New Years honours list on email

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I'm just really surprised it hasn't come up before. I have a 4 year old and he loves dinosaurs. He understands that they all died a long time ago, I think that's where it started. He knows that my mum died when he was still in my tummy and he was very interested watching a bit of Prince Philip's funeral. It's something that comes up relatively often.

Well I don't agree with OP's very odd approach. But having said that I thought we had done it right, explained hopefully age appropriately when people had died to my 4 year old. But then they learn about the Easter story in nursery now he thinks every dead person comes back to life on a Sunday. Nothing we say will persuade him otherwise!

Everyone just does the best they can, its hard!

Surely schools will be talking about it? I've told my just turned 5 year old and she's found it quite interesting to discuss that we're getting a new king and that money will change etc. kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for x

How silly. My DD's hamster died when she was 2. Family suggested that we didn't tell her about death so young but I said no. I told her and she watched us bury her in the garden.
A year later her baby sister died in utero.

She's 4 now and was sad when I told her that the Queen died (mostly because she liked her crown) but she said "the Queen has gone to play with my hamster and sister". Kids don't have to really understand death but my DD understands that it's final and people don't come back and I'm fine with that. Give your kid some credit.

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Maybe she could write back and say she's chosen him to be King one day?!

We had assembly on Friday but reception children didn’t come as they have only just started at school this week.