To not explain death of Queen to 4 year old?

[Schooldaysagain]

I've managed to avoid explaining death to my 4 year old so far. We lost FIL during the pandemic and he believes his beloved grandfather moved far away and still sends him presents and emails (which I read out from my phone)
😔

IMO it's not a good idea to say someone has "gone to heaven" as they may infer they can come back. It's part of life and it's normal to feel sad, confused etc. Shielding them from life just fucks them up.

My mum told me our cat had gone to live on a farm, I was really upset when I learned it had been put down.

We bought a lovely book called Lifetimes which explains simply that every living thing has a lifetime and then ends. It helps explain things in a gentle, clear way.

Idk if this was how you were parented or if you are incredibly afraid of death. The former, educate yourself, the latter, get some therapy. You are not acting rationally. Your 4 yo will not care a great deal about the queen dying or about a gf, who they will have no memory of.

The way you’re going about this is actually pretty cruel in the long run. You will die one day. You want your dc prepared for this. Having people of lesser importance die helps pave the way and without this help, your death will be incredibly hard.

A PP has beaten me to it. I'm sure the OP will include the grandfather in a chat about the tooth fairy and Father Christmas, all being a sort of childhood in-joke.

To the poster called something like Lamplight414, no, you have no right to tell anyone to mourn. I most certainly am not mourning. Never met the woman, she meant nothing to me and never touched my life in any way.

I would tell children she has died though as it might crop up at school or nursery.

This is why films like bambi and finding nemo exist, kids need to learn young about death as it's a part of life that they can't be shielded from.

Op you really need to tell your son the truth, especially about his grandfather! It's much easier when they're little to get them used to death, as it is a very real part of life. My children's grandad died when dd was 2 (youngest wasn't born) we visited weekly, and she was very fond of him. When he died, we simply told her that. Grandad has died, so we won't be able to see or visit him anymore, and alot of people will feel very sad. She attended the funeral, and saw people grieving, and although she didn't fully understand, she appreciated it was a day to say goodbye. We've had a couple of pets die, so again they both understand that death means "gone, and not coming back" and as sad as it is, it is what happens when living things reach the end of their life. We lost another close relative this week, and obviously the news of the Queen has been discussed widely, and I definitely haven't sheltered them from it. We had tears after the death of said relative this week, and I explained to them how it is completely normal to feel sad, angry, and a whole host of other emotions when someone we love dies. Like most young kids, they were sad, but quickly moved on from what happened, with a few questions here and there, which have been answered honestly. Much easier if they get used to the idea when they're young, as difficult as it can be. You can't shelter them from a very real fact of life.

When a much loved grandad I knew died, his grandchildren spent a happy afternoon painting his cardboard coffin. It looked fabulous, from the poster paint daubs of the toddlers to the beautiful artwork by the teenagers. Much healthier to do that than lie about a death.

My children know about death, the way we explained it was it happens when your really old, had a lovely life and just get too tired. Your body is too old and just wants to go to sleep.

Of course there is death at a younger age but we have chosen to shelter them from this as they are a similar age to OP. I didn’t want them over thinking about them or their parents dying just yet. I feel like in a few more years we might address this.

My toddler is 2 and a half, we've already explained death to him (as in, people and animals die when they're old or ill and they don't come back, none of the religious stuff). It's an important part of life and they deserve to know the truth.

My 4 year old definitely knows all about the queen because at pre-school they did quite a lot for the jubilee. He also now knows that the jubilee was celebrating that she'd been queen for a very long time, but that meant she was very old and had become very tired and unwell and she had died. That means that she's not alive any more. Her son has taken over and become the king.

This is the first situation that's prompted a conversation about people dying. It's not something we have to do every day, fortunately.

Tbh my son's response was primarily talking about wrinkles - the queen's, mine, whether he has any...😂

In the Republic of Ireland a voluntary contribution is completely normal. I just paid the school 50 euro. It's a pain in the arse but the capitation schools receive just don't cover everything.

Oops wrong thread!

This is a bit/a lot fucked up, OP. Death is a part of life. You can't lie to children about it. It's one thing to dodge the truth about Grandad (already not OK) but quite another to fabricate emails and messages etc. I would use the Queen's death to come clean with your DS about Grandad. Tell him the Queen got very old and her body didn't work properly any more, so like all humans when their body doesn't work any more, she died. This is sad for her family and they will miss her, but they will also have happy memories of her and she did a lot of good things with her life. Let that sink in for a week or two (your DC will have been taught bout this at school or nursery anyway), and then tell your DS that very sadly Grandad's body has stopped working too and he has died. No need to say that this actually happened a while ago as you will just confuse your poor child even more. Just say that it's very sad that you won't be able to see Grandad any more, and you all miss him, but he also had a good life and you have happy memories. Maybe look at some photos together.

Unless you have kept him locked in a cupboard for all of his four years he will already know that things die. Surely he's been outside, nursery, played and spoken with other children who will talk about death.

If he goes to school then they will have talked about The Queen dying on Friday.

When exh died ds was 9, exh partner wanted dc to say to her grandson (4years) old that exh had joined the army. I told her where to go and dc never saw (, or wanted to see her) again. Anyway I thought she was the only batshit crazy one who thinks this way, but no there is another . Tell your child the truth, it's not that difficult, by 3 years old all dc's grandparents were dead and at 9 their father. Children take their lead from parents, tell them and be composed about it.

There's no easy way to explain death to a child but it needs to be honest and factual. We want to shield our children from the difficult parts of life but unfortunately bad things happen. I know you were just trying to make things easier by saying he was gone away but the sending presents and emails was a bad idea. It's confusing. My mother died when my child was 15 months old. He's now three and we've recently explained that nana is in heaven as he'd started asking why grandad had no nana living with him. It's difficult and painful to deal with so you have my sympathies. With regards the queen just say the queen is in heaven with grandad.

You must tell your DD about the Queen. The nation is mourning and so should all in your household

People have some weird ideas , including the Op .

Characters die in children's movies and books. It is a very enriching part of life. It means something.

You have fucked yo. Your 4 year old should know that death a real thing. Pretending their grampa moved away and will never see them again is just setting them up for a life of fucked up abandonment issues.

You need to realise the importance of the role you play. You are a parent, a guide, a teacher, a source of support and also, a source of truth they can come to when they need it.

You need to fix this. And explain it all now. Talk about the Queen, bring up grampa, discuss character deaths in shows.

Wow, please stop lying to your son, he us going to suffer greatly if you dont!

There are some really good children's books out there that explain death to younger kids sensitively. Death is a fact of life and you can't shield them from it. My children have lost some people very close to them but there is no way I would lie to them. I don't even muck about with " gone to heaven" or "passed away" because imo that's just confusing. Death happens and I don't think it's scary - it's normal and healthy for children to understand it. Younger children can be quite fascinated with the mechanics of it - decomposition and what dead people look like etc but that's also natural. My son was 5 when his uncle died (prematurely) and we still visit the grave regularly and the talk has moved on to his uncle being proud of him and us missing him rather than how long it takes to become a skeleton. My daughter is older and she has been trying to raise money for charity to help people who had the same illness as her uncle, which makes her feel better.
You need to bite the bullet - it won't go away.

Wel I haven't told my 3 year old about the Queen because it's not a big deal in our lives but I would definitely tell her if her grandparents died

Beloved grandad moving away and choosing never to see grandchild again is much more hurtful than death.

do you think the kid will care one
Iota?

They wont. Mine didny

Just say ‘the Queen has died so now we have a king, isn’t that different’ that’s what I said to my four year old, no drama no sitting down to explain anything, just a quick passing comment.

My child at two went to family funerals. They have had great grandparents to bury and scatter ashes and they joined in this at 6 and 4. Then when their grandma died and they were 11 and 9 they had the skills to go to a funeral, again when their grandad died this year (they are now teens). Their cousin couldn't face going (same age) as he had been sheltered. Life can be shit so explain as you can when they are young so they can turn into a well rounded individual