To not explain death of Queen to 4 year old?

[Schooldaysagain]

I've managed to avoid explaining death to my 4 year old so far. We lost FIL during the pandemic and he believes his beloved grandfather moved far away and still sends him presents and emails (which I read out from my phone)
😔

I explained to my 4 year old DD that the Queen had died, it's healthy development. My father also died when she was 1 so as she grew I'd show her photos of him and explain that he had died but he's in heaven etc. If you don't tell your child these things, they hear it elsewhere and may find it very upsetting especially when you are not around to comfort them

He was just 2 when his GF died, so it wasn't appropriate to explain it fully then

you don’t have to explain it fully.
to continue with presents is insane. That’s playing mind games with him and is really fucked up

Wrap them up in a fantasy bubble all their life. That's going to end well!

I think it may come up at school anyway.

I'd risk it OP, probably won't come up

Whoops sorry...your DS, not your DD.

Dont be ridiculous. Nobody 'should' be in mourning at all. They can if they feel it.

OP if you're for real. You dont have to say anything and if it comes up a person goes to heaven is sufficient. Whether you believe in heaven or not.

It's fucked up to keep someone alive and lie though. That's why I don't believe you.

You've got to be on the wind-up! My DD is 3.5 and knows the queen has died, just like she knows our cat died a year ago. You pretend your FIL is still alive?

Your poor dc

if it’s real
Don’t lie about this, it’s important he learns about it

It's bad enough telling children that their dog has gone to live on a farm or whatever but to not tell them their relative has died? And encouraging them to send them cards and E-mails? Are they going to a real address? Is this not seriously upsetting the recipient being reminded of their dead relative when a birthday card arrives for them?

Tell your child the truth or they will have serious trust issues later on.

Surely it’s more appropriate to explain death in a simple way to a 2 year old than read out fake emails from grandad 2 years later?! I think you are doing your child a disservice

I explained it to my 3 year old. I personally think that its important she understands things in a child friendly way early on so there is less upset and shock later on. I was brought up this way and accordingly have no recollection of any big revelation about stuff like death as I just feel I always knew.

You risk causing your child psychological damage either when still a child or as an adult when they find out the truth about your FIL

You THINK it might come up? When every bus stop in every high street has a picture of the Queen? And most tv channels have stopped their normal broadcasts? What fantasy world are you living in?

School will definitely mention it so you need to sort this out now.

I’m not religious and couldn’t in good faith talk about heaven, so we talked about how when people and animals are old or sick their body reaches a point where it won’t work anymore and they die, we don’t get to see them anymore BUT we keep them alive in our hearts and memories.

DD was 4 when my mum died. They were very close. I told her grandma had been ill, and too ill for drs to make her better, and that she had died. We had a book called badgers parting gift which is probably age appropriate for your son.

Although the Queen dying, in reality will have minimal impact on the average persons day to day life, it is all around us at the moment.
Maybe mention it if you see a picture or poster.
"We have a new King now because the Queen was very old and unwell and has sadly died"

Never mind the Queen, how are you going to explain dead Grandad?!

Tell the truth, in age appropriate terms and answer questions as they arise. This goes for dead grandads, dead queens, how are babies made, why are there wars, why are people cruel to animals, what is a murderer, what is knife crime.... the list goes on and on and you're going to have to get comfortable with dealing with the child you brought into this world and equipping her for life, start using your words!

I just wanted to make the point that the queens death is probably one of the more gentler examples to introduce the concept to young children. It’s not going have a massive impact on his day to day life or take away a relationship he has.

unlike the faking of emails and presents from a grandparent who died a couple of years ago and you’ve now wonderfully delayed that fact to an age where it will be a harsher loss.

How are you going manange everyone else's reaction when you eventually tell our son that his grandfather is dead?

Will they all have to pretend it just happened?

The emails and presents are just crazy

This came up in one of my group chat regarding 2/3 year olds but the advise below was recieved from a reception teacher within the group. It would be ideal for explaining to a child this age.

Plants and flowers are great for this. When you pick a flower outside...bring it home. Ask them what happens to it. Wilts etc. You can say the flower dies. Then bring the flower to the garden and put it in the soil. You can go the whole hog and say it will break down and turn into soil (nitrogen cycle).

Emotionally, you can visit a graveyard. We give kids practical things they can do when someone dies to remember them. It's ok to feel sad- this is what we do to remember someone who dies. 1. Visit graveyard. 2. Light a candle. 3. Say a prayer.
They can also look at photos. It helps to have set guides in place and to repeat these so they can feel they are doing something...do scientific approach to get the language with plants. And social approach to deal with feelings around death. It definitely helps them to talk about in advance.

Thanks for all the replies. Some more constructive than others.

I should clarify that the presents and message was just the Christmas immediately after his death. He understands that GF has gone far away and won't be coming back but still loves him and that we can still remember GF. I just haven't explained the concept of death fully to him, but I haven't continued a lie that he's still alive! Sorry if I gave that impression.

I'm not sure DD (4) has much understanding of who the Queen is, we are anti monarchy and live in Wales, so a lot less exposure to the concept of royal family than many kids. So we haven't mentioned it, to her, might do when the funeral happens.

As for your FIL, I'm not sure how you're going to dig yourself out of this hole, but you need to.

My fil is in hospital following a stroke. DD knows this, knows he is very unwell, and knows he could die (but not sure how fully she understands the concept). She does talk about death (animals, characters in films), but she is in a mixed age group class covering preschool, reception (DD), Y1 and Y2, and I think the older kids are at an age where they are exploring this concept so she gets exposed to their conversations.

Tell your son the truth about his grandfather. Kids understand far more than people give them credit

My mother died when I was a teenager, my ds has known from very young that gran isn't my mum. It does no harm, you just gently explain that they have gone to heaven and no one can see them anymore and yes it is sad but it's a totally normal part of life, then leave it a few months and tell them that their grandfather has died. But please don't make up any more stories. There may be a lot of difficult questions but just answer honestly and without adding lots of bits and fluff, they've died and it is sad it is also normal to feel sad.

Your grand dad is dead. He died because he was old and his heart stopped beating. Sorted. No need to mention heaven. You need to be blunt and not give any wiggle room. No passed away, gone to heaven, not here anymore etc etc. Dead is dead and death is normal.

Even at two they are not too young to understand. You need to explain it clearly and properly in age appropriate language.

Wow. Just wow! Ridiculous.