To not explain death of Queen to 4 year old?

[Schooldaysagain]

I've managed to avoid explaining death to my 4 year old so far. We lost FIL during the pandemic and he believes his beloved grandfather moved far away and still sends him presents and emails (which I read out from my phone)
😔

I haven't said anything about the queen to my 4yo because I don't think he knew that she existed, so he probably wouldn't think anything of her having died.

You should explain about your FIL. Fudge it a bit and say it happened recently if you must. The way I explained it is that when people get very old, our bodies don't work well any more and in the end an important part of the body will stop working and that means that the person has died. We can't have a conversation with them or visit them or see them any more, but their spirit is still with us, we can still visit a place that reminds us of them like perhaps a special place you went together, or a grave or remembrance place, special plant etc. And we can talk "to" them but they won't talk back. Some people believe that they are watching over us (you could talk about stars or heaven if you wish). - the idea of people who have died going to be with other loved ones that have died e.g. their own parents etc is a comforting one to many people, including children.

Then that leads on quite neatly if you want/need to later, to talk about how people can die in accidents (if their body gets so badly hurt that it can't be fixed) or illnesses can kill younger people (the illness hurt their body and made it stop working). But you can certainly start out just with older people and let her assume everybody dies when they are old.

I'm so shocked that OP has lied to her DS.

I was two and a few weeks when the King died and I remember it clearly. Don't underestimate the comprehension of children that age. They are not babies anymore.

I'd explain that the Queen and his GF have died and put whatever spin you like; heaven, stars, left us forever.

Fucking hell. How irresponsible.

I can't believe this because kids were told at school.

DS just started reception, came home and said, 'We talked about the Queen'
'What about her?'
'She died'

My dad died when my son was two and we explained it to him in an age appropriate way, so he has never in his memory not known about death and now aged 5 knows it is is a natural but sad part of life - and is just very accepting of it. You have done your son a great disservice here, and I kind of think this must not be real.

@BertieBotts is your DC either at school or nursery? I am sure it will have been mentioned there last week

YABU

You'll never get the death of the Queen to fly under the radar of your 4 yr old!

Wall to wall coverage on TV, newspapers & magazines

Presumably they are at school they will definitely hear about it there

It's normal to be curious & ask questions about death at this age

My DC was obsessed with death shortly after starting reception, asking so many questions including when would me & DH die

This is normal 4 year old stuff

As for the grandfather story, that's just very strange & not helpful for your DC

If this is for real honestly you are missing a brilliant opportunity to face up to death in a remote way before you actually really have people she knows and lives dying

I can't understand people who think this way
My child has also always known about death.
When we were passing insects on the ground for example, just in life really. Why wouldn't you just say the truth. It sounds like OP has said he's moved away, not he's died so it's sounds like she has lied
Can't understand it

You need to explain this to him... My 4 year old has had a great grandad die, a dog and a few chickens... She's fine with it. Understanding death is part of life, I think you're being very unfair, it'll become a very big thing when he gets older and doesn't understand

Wow what a lot of religious people - do you really believe in heaven or have you just swapped one lie for another?

Yes I believe in a heaven/afterlife. I'm religious and we attend church.

When my DS2 died shortly after birth, wr explained it to DS1, (then nearly 4) that baby brother had died, his body was very poorly and his heart stopped beating. His body on earth had a funeral and then got sent to be made into stardust, ashes, he was cremated, which we got back.

He's nearly 6 now and understands about burial and cremation and it's how you get rid of somebody's body. I work in funerals so he hears a lot about death, and obviously the crucifixion is mentioned a lot at Easter. He's also had two dogs, my MIL and his baby sister die since then.

He knows that stars are balls of burning gas and rock, he's looking at a science book of the universe as I type. But also likes to say that they're windows from heaven where baby brother can wave to him from.

Why would you gaslight your child like that 😶

I've been trying to explain death to my 2yo but she's not really taking it in. I did manage to make her say "The Queen died yesterday". I was proud.

Not here as we don't live in the UK. I'm sure if we did he probably would have known who she was from the jubilee celebrations.

My GC knew when my OH died that he was not coming back. They also knew how ill he was so grasping that his body had stopped working properly was not hard. In a child appropriate way I used the law of conservation of matter to talk about how we are all made up of stardust and that his has gone back to the heavens and the earth. I also talked about the fact that in a way he would never die because we all have the love he gave us which will go on forever as we will pass it on to those around us in the way we behave.

Oh dear. I agree with pp, children need to learn about death. Unfortunately it is part of life and by lying about it it actually makes it worse. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit. But it’s so important that they learn about death and how it’s normal to feel sad and let them show their emotions.

my dd was 3 when my dad died. She came to visit him everyday until the day of his death. And we explained to her that he’d gone forever but would watch over us. She was incredibly close to him but now she’s happy grandpa is watching over us and looking after our dead pets 🙈 she often says she misses grandpa and it makes her sad. I agree with her and tell her im sad too. We can’t protect them from death. It’s the one thing we have no control over when or how it happens.

Why would you lie like that? That's awful

www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died

This is a really helpful website about explaining death to a very young child. It is enormously important to be honest with them otherwise you store up problems for the future. They really deserve to know the truth.

Is your 4 year old a big fan of the queen?

I started explaining to my ds (at the toddler stage) about death by using a flower as a comparison. See, this flower is alive, but this flower has ‘withered’…couldn’t bring myself to use the word died yet. Then when the leaves began to fall I’d say, oh look at that leaf, it withered, it died. Then I’d keep giving just a little more information every time. You absolutely must tell him his grandfather died, make it seem as it only just happened. I’d tell him about the Queen and his grandfather at the same time.

Fucking hell no wonder everyone is soft as shite these days

😂😂😂😂😂

thats WEIRD re FIL - how is your child
goinf to build up any resilience for life??
better your 4 year vaguely understands death with the loss of a woman he doesn’t know than wait until someone he does know dies and you can’t cover it up…

I think YABU with the grandfather thing.

But as for the Queen... I'm kind of with you, but I don't know if I'm wrong to be. My son turns 4 in a few weeks and I just told him the Queen was very poorly and wasn't going to get better, so now we have a new king. Then he came home from nursery wearing a cardboard crown and said he made it because the Queen died. He said it very matter of factly. Then today he told me the sunflowers outside had died. I guess he knows about death from nursery and doesn't seem overly troubled by it...

I started explaining to my ds (at the toddler stage) about death by using a flower as a comparison. See, this flower is alive, but this flower has ‘withered’…couldn’t bring myself to use the word died yet. Then when the leaves began to fall I’d say, oh look at that leaf, it withered, it died. Then I’d keep giving just a little more information every time. You absolutely must tell him his grandfather died, make it seem as it only just happened. I’d tell him about the Queen and his grandfather at the same time.

I really like the lesson with the flowers. Good idea!