SIL wants me to apologise to her DD

[cheathimsilly]

I took her DD to a film whilst my DS was at school. It was a baby friendly showing, to be specific here. My own (baby) DD came along

I bought sweets along but she wanted popcorn and I fancied some too, so we got a large popcorn and a drink to share

Within 15 minutes of the show starting, she said she was scared. I said it's fine, there's a lot of funny stuff. Sit tight and enjoy her treats etc

She said again 5 minutes later, I don't like it, I'm scared. I said please will you just give it a try? Low and behold, 5 minutes later she's giggling at some of the film and fine for the rest of it

Then the credits came up, and she said she was terrified! I said what of? She said the screens gone black

My niece is 7.

Because the child has moved on. SHE doesn't view this as a big deal that needs dwelling on. What good does it do to dredge the moment back up, other than to make an anxious child view it as a Very Big Deal and most likely be scared going to the cinema again.

So she was complaining and trying to chat and told you she was scared, twice. Regardless of whether she was genuinely scared it doesn’t sound like she was enjoying the experience. Not sure why you persevered. I’d have a chat with her even if only to acknowledge that the cinema probably wasn’t a great choice of activity. I realise it was your SIL’s idea but I’m sure we’ve all done things we thought our kids would enjoy and then they haven’t and vice versa. I would have at least given her the option of leaving.

Geex, I watched Psycho when I was six!

The Dark Crystal is a Jim Henson film, hardly the stuff of nightmares.

Nobody thinks she shouldn't take her out again because she got scared, they're saying it because of the hassle she will get from her mother if things don't go exactly to plan.

Nice dig about the resilience comment, too 😂 Kids get a bit scared by all kinds of tiny things. I've seen children who were otherwise ok with little moments of apprehension, become terrified when their parents fuss around them about it. It doesn't help, it just makes them more anxious. This girl got scared but quite quickly moved on. She doesn't need to be phoned up and have it reinforced to her that yes, this was indeed a very big problem.

Wouldn't cost you anything to apologise to her would it?

If I'd taken my niece to see a film and she had been scared of it and my SIL was now demanding I apologise for it, there's no way on this green earth I wouldn't have put that it's was SIL's choice and not mine in the OP, because it's totally relevant to the whole sorry saga.

I also understood from OP's wording that she believed that her niece wanted to chat and when she was stopped, she complained she was scared. A PP stated she thought OP was implying niece was being manipulative rather than genuinely scared and I agree with this too. So I don't believe that it was SIL's choice of film and I don't think OP believed her niece when she said that she was scared.

I've never seen the film but it does sound like unsuitable for young children, in that it has horrible scenes and is difficult for the younger ones to understand which will be boring for them. And all that said, OP was in the wrong for not taking niece out when it was clear niece wasn't enjoying the film; whether she was scared or not, she didn't like it! It was pointless (and dismissive of niece) to stay.

SIL chose the film.
Niece recovered quickly.
Niece has form for drama fear.
Niece was perfectly fine until she' 'remembered' she had a moment of upset at the film, then went dramatic.
SIL caters to the drama.

I'd tell your SIl I wouldn't be taking her out again

What good does it do to dredge the moment back up, other than to make an anxious child view it as a Very Big Deal and most likely be scared going to the cinema again.

I think it would do the opposite. OP needs to validate the child's feelings and apologise for ignoring them. This 'bashing down' of children feelings is what creates people who are frightened to voice their feelings when they need to

Interesting to note: "Jim Henson's plan with this movie was to get back to the darkness of original Brothers Grimm fairy tales. He felt that children liked the idea of being scared and that this was a healthy emotion for them with which to deal."

And?

my dc’s have seen some scary films such as 47 metres below and lake placid. Even I would hesitate around dark crystal.

I think it would do the opposite. OP needs to validate the child's feelings and apologise for ignoring them. This 'bashing down' of children feelings is what creates people who are frightened to voice their feelings when they need to

That's one take on it. My experience is that making far too much of a fuss over normal moments of apprehension creates children who are frightened of everything. You can treat their fear kindly at the time whilst encouraging them, without needing to ring them up hours later when they have moved on emotionally to remind them how awful" it was.

She sounds bloody annoying. I wouldn't be taking her out again.

Well don’t you sound lovely. She’s a young child who wasn’t enjoying herself. I’m sure it would have been different had they done something she liked.

And?

Well... Psycho is a psychological horror movie for adults.

The Dark Crystal is a PG fantasy film by the guy who created The Muppets.

Developmentally a 6 year old won’t have understood a lot of what was happening, whereas a little older, it would have been a lot more scary. There is a lot of innuendo and offscreen stuff.

Idk how this happened as it wasn’t in any stretch of the imagination ok. Idk why that’s something to use as a benchmark.

Developmentally a 6 year old won’t have understood a lot of what was happening,

Maybe your 6 year old. I understood the whole thing.

It's her 7 year old niece. 7. Who got a bit scared in a cinema. And you'd never take her out again? Yeah right.

I take it you don't have any children or know of any. If no-one ever took a child out again because they were a bit annoying they would be locked in the house 24/7

Yes OP did not treat the fear kindly or with encouragement and there is nothing wrong with adults apologzing to kids when they mess up.

No one is saying to make it awful. Just an apology to say I should have listened when you told me you were scared.

Your sil is a bit of a drama queen and her apprehension is rubbing off on her daughter. I'd say something like, sorry she got scared when the screen went dark. I thought she was fine when she was giggling through the film but clearly not. Perhaps it was a poor choice of film for her. Lesson learned.

Then I wouldn't take her out by myself again. Not worth the hassle imo.

I assumed you were going to say it was the Minions movie, or something. But the Dark Crystal... omg! 😳

It's one of my DH's favourite films, and our kids (8 and 10) haven't seen it yet.

The point I was making, was, it didn’t scare you. It would scare some children.

The films my dc watched didn’t scare them. But it would others.

The dark crystal, is one that is generally quite disturbing for most children.

I think for some reason we're supposed to be terribly impressed that milkyaqua watched adult horror films at 6 🙄. There's always one isn't there. Whaaaaat? Your 7 year old was scared? Good god, I used to watch The Exorcist every night before bed as a child instead of a bedtime story and at 6 I watched Psycho and jumped in the shower with glee straight afterwards. What a coward your 7 year old is 🙄

This, OP.
Maybe she was scared, maybe she has zero resilience, who knows.
Point is parenting is all about this kind of thing happening and you need to learn to flex it. You've been lucky with your DS if this hasn't happened yet.
Apologise with no "buts" .

I think it's wrong to dismiss a child's feelings if she said she was scared you could have spoken to her about leaving and made sure she knew it was an option. She is unlikely to have felt comfortable to express her feelings a third time so there's a risk she felt unable to say she was unhappy.I would say to sil that you checked on her at the time and thought she was ok . but you will speak to her next time you see her, then next time you see her I would say she can always tell you if she's upset/scared and your sorry she didn't feel able to this time. I agree I probably wouldn't do cinema again.

Dark Crystal??

I'd be pissed off if you took my 7yo to the pictures and didn't listen if they were frightened. You're not the one dealing with nightmares, new fears, sadness, mistrust etc that can come from
adults not respecting a child's feelings of fear. It's kind of like turning the light off and closing the door when you know they're scared of the dark because YOU want it like that, and then asking them to cope with it.

Asking you to apologise to her DD is the nicer way she could be dealing with this.