SIL wants me to apologise to her DD

[cheathimsilly]

I took her DD to a film whilst my DS was at school. It was a baby friendly showing, to be specific here. My own (baby) DD came along

I bought sweets along but she wanted popcorn and I fancied some too, so we got a large popcorn and a drink to share

Within 15 minutes of the show starting, she said she was scared. I said it's fine, there's a lot of funny stuff. Sit tight and enjoy her treats etc

She said again 5 minutes later, I don't like it, I'm scared. I said please will you just give it a try? Low and behold, 5 minutes later she's giggling at some of the film and fine for the rest of it

Then the credits came up, and she said she was terrified! I said what of? She said the screens gone black

My niece is 7.

But maybe their 'emotional needs' are to be reassured and asked if they could try for a little longer and told that if they're still scared it will be ok to leave!

@alwaysdarkestbeforedawn

My eldest was terrified of tomatoes

No idea why

Would cry at anything remotely tomato based, which then spread to tomato coloured anything too! So cried for ages when trying tomato soup. Loves it now, and why, because I didn't rush him into a safe space the second he got scared of his traumatising first bowl of soup

My niece went through a phase of being scared of broken foods, would be hysterical if my sister opened a pack of bread sticks and they were broken. Do you know who still was asked to eat the breadsticks?

Sometimes a child being scared/hysterical doesn't always = needing to give in to their crazy!

Nothing fron OP now. Very telling that is, very telling indeed.

Yes very telling

Some people have shit to do on a Sunday other than pissing about on MN fyi

When children have inappropriate emotional reactions - such as this - the responsible way to help them is by doing exactly what the op did.
Otherwise you end up with adults like the pp who said that she, aged 47, would be too scared to watch the movie 🙄

Your child is going to encounter tomatoes their whole life. Same with broken food. These are everyday items. It absolutely makes sense to address this fear. There is no need in life to watch films that frighten you if you don’t want to. It’s not the same thing at all.

Most people avoid things they don’t enjoy or that frighten them. And why shouldn’t they when they are non-essential leisure activities?! The cinema is supposed to be fun! The child was not having fun. It’s not rocket science.

Really fabulous!

@alwaysdarkestbeforedawn

Avoiding fears is actually really counter productive

It's actually helpful for people to be supported through their fears over enabled

Some parents think their job is to help and support their child through scary time

It's a shame you don't align to that

This all sounds totally reasonable. It’s not the same as what you said before.

She has done this before with lifts.

I'd not be confident enough to keep taking her out. Who suggests that you look after her at these times ?

As per my previous post, it really depends what the fear is. My kids were nervous when they learned to ride a bike, upset when they first started nursery, one went through a phase of being terrified of water (she’s an excellent swimmer now), they are both nervous when it comes time to get vaccinations. I supported them through all of those scary times.

In this particular situation I don’t think that applies. If my kids didn’t want to watch a film for whatever reason I wouldn’t push them to do so because I don’t see the benefit. Dark Crystal is weird and quite creepy in places. It could easily give kids nightmares. What’s the advantage of making them watch it if they don’t want to?

But maybe their 'emotional needs' are to be reassured and asked if they could try for a little longer and told that if they're still scared it will be ok to leave!

Except that doesn't work. The child realises after two times that they're not being listened to and their feelings aren't welcome. They should have been taken out of the situation and, if it was something that it would be genuinely helpful for them to conquer fears in relation to, supported to make a choice to return to. A fear that you're forced to confront is not a fear that you're supported to confront. If this was my child, they would also be factoring in the possibility of vivid nightmares and I would respect their decision if they wanted to protect their sleep from the type of images in the film. There's no need for this.

You may think, having basically told your child to keep going, that a lack of further protest means you've cracked it. It is unlikely to mean that. It may mean the child has realised that they would have to display an emotional meltdown in order to be heard and they're not at that point but remain tense. It may be that the child is overly aroused but knows that your reaction if they insisted on leaving would be equally upsetting. There's nothing beneficial about saying put up with it, there you enjoyed it didn't you about a scary movie. It's not a fear to be compared with, say, an irrational fear of going upstairs on a bus. Some fears are not compatible with daily life and a clear case can be made to the child as to why they're safe and it's necessary to do them. The child can then be prepared beforehand to make an autonomous choice about managing their fear to do the activity. Being faced with a terrifying large image is a completely different ball game and is helpful to the child only insofar as they don't upset grown up plans. Children's entertainment should be entertainment and if it's not, you have to ask who it's benefiting.

What makes you think she got over it? She ran to her mum crying as soon as she saw her. Sounds to me like what she actually did was repress her emotions until she reached an adult that gave a shit.

As I said, I think the OP should have checked with the child after a few minutes to see if they were still scared and then made a call depending on the answer. She clearly wasn't scared of expressing herself or not being heard seeing as she said she was scared again at the end because of the dark screen. She isn't the OP's child, the mum wanted her to see the film. She seemed to be enjoying it after a little wobble if she was giggling etc. The only thing the OP did 'wrong' was to not directly ask her again if she was ok.

How many times did you force your child to eat soup until he learned that you wouldn't leave him alone until he ate it?

Having a bully for a parent doesnt do children much good in the long run.

It was not the right choice of film for a child afraid of lifts! She's clearly more anxious than average and if you were taking her out you should have chosen a children's film such as DC life of pets. Would I phone to apologise, no I wouldn't. You've already apologised once, sil needs to give her head a wobble and work on building up her child and working on her nervous disposition.

I wouldn't take her out again and to be fair sil probably won't ask you too.

It is - I said the OP should have talked to the child when she said she was scared and suggested a timeframe within which they'd stay at the film after which if the child was still too scared they could leave. The OP let the child settle and noticed that she seemed fine seeing as she was giggling etc. Giggling would indicate she was enjoying it and not too scared, not that she was repressing her feelings to the extent some other posters have suggested. Seven year olds get scared at all sorts of things, maybe the OP thought that seeing as the mum considered the film appropriate and wanted the child to see it that after the initial fear it was all ok.

@Yupsuuuure

Considering you're someone who thinks encouraging children to face their fears is bullying I don't think you're ever going to understand basic parenting tbh.

It's your job to prepare your child for life

And life includes things that you're scared of, often irrationally so.

You said you would take a sobbing, hysterical child back into the film that had caused the sobbing and hysteria after you’d had a chat. I don’t agree with that. If a film causes that much stress, you just don’t watch that film. That’s not remotely the same as encouraging them to sit upstairs on a bus or try a poached egg!

And the giggling. Have you never known anyone laugh when they’re nervous? Once again, it is very clear from her emotions afterwards that she did not enjoy that film.

It's amazing how little kindness or self awareness some adults have. You have to hope they're more empathic in real life. We wonder why we have a crisis in juvenile mental health. Well, what mental age do their parents have if they equate forcing their child to watch a scary film (because they've 'bought the bits already') with managing stress healthily and overcoming fears constructively in real life situations?

i mean what do you get out of not apologising to a 7 year old, she was scared no matter how much you try to deny it or play it off

Wow I hadn't realised the food and drink couldn't be taken with them if they left

Being scared of a scary movie isn't an inappropriate emotional reaction

@Connie2468

It's a children's film ffs

Of course it's an inappropriate emotional reaction