SIL wants me to apologise to her DD

[cheathimsilly]

I took her DD to a film whilst my DS was at school. It was a baby friendly showing, to be specific here. My own (baby) DD came along

I bought sweets along but she wanted popcorn and I fancied some too, so we got a large popcorn and a drink to share

Within 15 minutes of the show starting, she said she was scared. I said it's fine, there's a lot of funny stuff. Sit tight and enjoy her treats etc

She said again 5 minutes later, I don't like it, I'm scared. I said please will you just give it a try? Low and behold, 5 minutes later she's giggling at some of the film and fine for the rest of it

Then the credits came up, and she said she was terrified! I said what of? She said the screens gone black

My niece is 7.

She said before the film started she was scared. Don't gaslight a 7 year old.

I think lots of people talking about teaching resilience or pandering to fear making it worse are being ridiculous. If you are a parent you absolutely have to think about those things and make a judgement call. As an aunt if a child says they’re scared you believe them as ask them if they want to leave. Because as an aunt you don’t know the child as well as their parents do, so you are more likely to make the wrong call (as apparently happened here).

Even if she wasn’t scared but wanted to leave for some other reason it really isn’t the end of the world to go home early, and you want the child to enjoy their time with you. The money for the tickets etc had already been spent so the only reason to stay is if you fall victim to the sink costs fallacy.

OP, you make a mistake and should apologise. No need for drama, just next time you see her “I’m sorry I didn’t realise how scared you were, we should have left earlier. Are you feeling better now?”

“Dark crystal is pg so parental guidance to me in that case means watching the comfort levels of the child you're with and intervening as necessary.”

I think @Cw112 is spot on with this.

The real drama llamas are the ones who are basically saying they're still traumatised over an 80s kids' film. I was terrified of ET as a kid, I'm not scarred for life though. 🙄

I can't imagine apologising to a seven year old in these circumstances. Your SIL should believe you when you say it wasn't clear that the DD was scared, but really I think it might have been better for you to tell the child to let you know if it was too much and you would leave if she found it too scary after x amount of time. We can't always rely on a 7-year old to be able to assert themselves without being invited to.

SO you basically told a 7yo to shut up when she said she was scared. Thats not a good way to handle a child's fear.
In my world we do apologize to 1.5 yo if we accidentally scare them so I dont think your SIL in unreasonable . You would -I hope- apologise to any random adult if you scared them. It doesnt matter that you didnt mean to or dont understand why they got scared.

From your post it feels like its you wanted to go to the cinema.

If your SIL suggested the film, I actually think she's more to blame. Maybe she's feeling guilty, and it's easier for her to blame you than to take personal responsibility? A way to purge herself of guilt perhaps?
I actually feel a bit sorry for OP. It was kind of her to look after her niece, and she didn't mean any harm. It was an error of judgement, but nothing deliberate.

aSofaNearYou · Today 11:01

Maybe for your kid, not for everyone's 🤷‍♀️

Well, that's precisely the point.

“I can't imagine apologising to a seven year old in these circumstances.”

@justmaybenot Why on earth not? If you upset someone, even unintentionally, you apologise. Their age has nothing to do with it.

Well, yes! Not to make a point about being in charge, but clearly the adult is in charge and makes the decisions. And given that the OP felt the child would be ok and has habit of being overly dramatic and that the child's mother had picked the film deliberately

Even CommonSenseMedia parents and DCs say over 9 and considering most of their parent reviews are written by DCs trying to get to watch films that are too old for them, that means a general consensus that it's not appropriate for a 7 year old.

I think the child has been indulged quite enough already. Perhaps she should apologise to the OP for being such a drama queen, as well as a snitch.

I would point out to her mother, who chose the film, and insisted it would be suitable for her daughter, that if her child is prone to being terrified by a black credits screeen, she really can't be taken to the cinema, or allowed to watch the television, ever again.

SIL has shot herself in the foot, behaving like this about a film she had vetted and approved.

OP is unlikely to want to take niece anywhere again.

If resilience these days means sitting through the dark crystal then we're all in trouble. People bandy that word around way too much. If you don't like a film, then you don't like it, end of. Boundaries are healthy and it's great the niece spoke up a few times to try to protect hers. It has nothing to do with resilience. I'd have watched Nightmare on Elm Street at barely over 7 - but resilient isn't exactly the word I'd have used to describe myself - maybe someone with poor parental supervision and questionable film voices, but not resilient

My point was clearly wider than just watching the dark crystal. It's about the fuss level made over minor moments of fear.

I can’t relate to this attitude at all. If I took a child out somewhere I’d be hoping for more than them just surviving the experience. I’d like them to actually enjoy themselves. It’s not the dentist or a school lesson that she needs to get through. A trip to the cinema is supposed to be fun!

I'm not sure we can know that these moments were minor sofa . You are up a tree thinking that inconvenient fear goes away if you ignore and repress it. The fact that you think a response equates to making a fuss says it all.

Perhaps she should apologise to the OP for being such a drama queen, as well as a snitch.

A snitch? She's seven. She needs to have an open line of communication to her mother. Is she supposed to know it's right to tell her mother if someone has touched her inappropriately? If so, then there is no such thing as snitching about an adult's behaviour. There are no little secrets. How depressing to think there are people walking around like this. Your username is apt.

Exactly you can't treat other people's kids like that because they are not yours.

And I imagine if the child had continued to seem genuinely upset she would have felt she had no choice but to take her out. But whinging a little and then moving on does invite the possibility that people will, you know, move on. Because it's not uncommon for kids to protest briefly about things that are actually not a big deal, even in their own head.

We don't agree on the severity of how she has been "treated" here.

I'm not sure we can know that these moments were minor sofa . You are up a tree thinking that inconvenient fear goes away if you ignore and repress it. The fact that you think a response equates to making a fuss says it all.

I would have judged it to be minor based on her level of reaction. My DD sometimes gets scared to go to the toilet, lots of kids have a bit of a whinge about going into school but then are fine. We don't always have to jump to the conclusion that it is major, serious fear they couldn't possibly work through,

And I think bringing it up later when she's already over it, to apologise, is making a fuss, yes. To any child I know that would 100% lead to them developing a complex about going to the cinema, because the adults around them keep reinforcing how supposedly bad the experience was.

Kids can be scared of allsorts.

We had to take my oldest DS out of a kids film and miss the rest at 5 year old because there was a scene with a fire and he lost it (we had no idea there was fire in the film, that wasnt what it was about).

Fire was always a trigger for him from about 3 months old (he has never been in a fire or anything just a natural instinctive fear.)

Ironically being in a building that caught fire when he was 6 is what got him over his fear, it was so 'exciting' to tell his friends all about it afterwards.

• he had never been in

@aSofaNearYou You can apologise without making a fuss or putting her off cinema for life. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise how upset you were in the cinema. If you want to go again we can choose the film together and make sure it’s not a scary one.”

As for her seeming to calm down. She said she was scared twice and her feelings were dismissed. No wonder she stopped mentioning it. The fact that she cried when she got home suggests that she had then been holding her feelings in until she had a safe space to release them. I could be wrong, I obviously don’t know the child.

Bottom line, OP continued with an activity that the child clearly wasn’t enjoying. Regardless of whether she was actually scared, I don’t think that’s ok. As I said in my previous post, the cinema isn’t something essential like school. It’s supposed to be fun. Why persevere with it if the child isn’t having fun? I’m sure there’s no serious harm done but it surely wouldn’t hurt to apologise.

I loved horror films as a kid, I had been through worse first hand in real life (was in a horrific accident as a child where I was alone around trapped unconcous adults for hours, lots of blood and gore) so fantasy horrors rarely ever scared me.

I was quite suprised in my teen years too find 14-15 year old girls terrified of horror films I had seen at 4-5 year old but I guess we just have completely different views of life.

I think my complete lack of fear of death or gore freaked people out as a kid, I had LOTS of psych evaluations and the declared it PTSD.

Ironically I was scared of drowning which had nothing to do with anything though, just a random fear.

SIL got wind of this when she got home. She ran into her mums arms in floors of tears. Just a minute earlier, we were chatting about how excited she is to start school on Monday.

Sounds like a drama queen to me.

Why on earth post and then leave out the key information i.e. SIL chose the film. Very strange