Husband left baby in pram at a street party

[MyKidsThrowFood]

A few weeks ago we had a street party on our street. We live in a family area but in a big city. It was pretty busy with all our neighbours and their kids, dogs etc there - some of whom we know, others we don’t. I left my 3 month old in pram with DH while I went to chat with some friends. At one point, I looked around and saw DH had left baby in the pram on the kerb while he was getting a drink some 4-5 meters away. He claimed he was watching the pram the whole time but, when I went over to check on baby, it didn’t seem like he immediately noticed me and, anyway, surely that’s not the point? What if a child had knocked the pram with a bike or something worse, and he was too far away to react? AIBU to be upset? Am I helicopter parenting or is he being too lax?

He was just 4-5 metres away getting a drink???
I really can't see what the big deal is!!

He was 4-5 metres away not in the pub.
I think you need to unclench a bit.

Plus, it was a few weeks ago. Surely you can't still be chewing it over? Move on.

My kitchen is longer than 5m, that's no distance.

Might be worth giving this a read…… www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/2794674-AIBU-to-ask-you-all-for-your-most-PFB-moments

Maybe it was more like 10 meters… but maybe that’s not the point?

There was always a line up of prams outside shops in the 50's and 60's. Mums would leave the baby outside the shop so they could get their shopping done. As a baby I had my naps in the pram outside in the fresh air, even in winter.

Dogs too were tied up outside shops. Sometimes to the pram.

How is that not the point? You said four or five meters and that is not an unreasonable distance for your husband to stand from a baby sleeping quietly in a pram.

Starting my reply at 01:27

Well I do think that it is a pity that you have obviously been holding on to your anger over this for a few weeks now OP (was it actually during the Diamond Jubilee celebrations?).
I think that at the time I would have whispered (crossly - because I couldn't have helped myself) to him to come indoors for a minute, and then once inside I would have 'lost it'!

I am not suggesting for one second that that would have been the best, or even a reasonable reaction - a calm explanation of all the reasons why what he did was not appropriate for that situation, and a discussion with him about how you could both try to learn how to automatically do a mental risk assessment of potential real dangers in any unusual situations, would have probably been a lot better.

I know that sounds way over the top for domestic occasions rather than business ones, but I think that as mothers, most of us will do automatic risk assessments all the time, particularly with our first babies, probably without even realising that we are doing so!

I will most likely be flamed for this, but I do think that we probably do this instinctively much more frequently than most dads do, but that is only my opinion formed by the 3 dads that I have had close contact with, and it certainly doesn't mean that I think that all men walk around with their heads in the clouds when it comes to baby and child rearing.

Going back to my first paragraph, as I said, I think that I would have been so cross with him at the danger he put our DC in, that I may have not reacted in the best way! However, I would have hoped that my strong reaction to him leaving the baby like that, helped him realise that actually it was a very stupid thing to have done. From your post OP, I get the impression that your DH is still trying to deny his lack of responsibility, or that he is no longer thinking about it at all, but that you are not satisfied that he has taken it seriously enough?

I presume that there had not been any incidents in the past that made you doubt your DH's ability to take basic care of your DC, or you would have not left the baby with him without strict instructions to stay with your DC, and to also be constantly attentive to him or her while you were not in the immediate vicinity?

I’ve read your OP a few times over and I’m struggling to see how that isn’t the entire point…

If it helps OP, my grandma always loved to tell the story of when my uncle was born and she left him outside the shop in his pram, then forgot and drove home without him. He was fine when she eventually remembered...

@TheLadyofShalott1 what damger do you think the baby was in being secured in her pram with dad stood just a few metres away? Most parents will be further away from their babies within their own homes.

I guess I mean maybe you’ll think IBU even if it was 10 m. I’m bad at estimating distance… baby was on one side of street, DH was on the other… about 2-3 car lengths distance maybe?

The difference is this was a public place and someone could have walked past and taken the pram.

Id be upset about this too, especially if I’m reading correctly and he didn’t notice you go to the pram. He should have had eyes on baby the whole time.

@user1471457751 , I don’t mind him leaving the baby in a different room or different floor to nap in our house…but it wasn’t our house. I just feel different in a busy public space, with people you don’t know, kids crashing around on bikes etc…

I wouldn't have been happy, if he didn't notice you going over then he wasn't pating attention and someone could have walked off with the baby, I'm failing to understand why some of the other posters on this thread can't comprehend that

*paying

I think that you and your partner have different viewpoints of what is OK, and what is not.
That's perfectly alright, but I think you need to break it down a little bit.
You have listed a few things that could have happened, but in reality what are the chances that these things could have happened?
What was your partners viewpoint of the situation? What was his reasoning with his assessment of the risks?

This could be an excellent opportunity for you to speak with your partner openly about where your expectations are, and where his are, and how he thinks in regards to your child's safety.
It can be really good to see that he is invested in your child's safety, and loves them, but does have a different viewpoint. It can lead to enhanced trust in his abilities and your child's safety with Dad, and in the world generally.

This is something I have to do multiple times a week. I've got pretty severe OCD and I've recently had child #2 after being told for 12 years I wouldn't be able to have another child. Most of my OCD has shifted to the baby and concerns for his safety.
I'm not saying you have OCD, but the situation you describe would send me into a tailspin, but trying to work through situations like this is really helping, and strengthening the bond I have with DH.

Time 03:58

Oh, let me see.

Well the most glaring potential danger to any child you may ever be in charge of, is that you apparently see no difference between being indoors with a young child in it's own home, to being outside in the community.

Then there is the danger that (and the OP seems to think that it is the most likely occurance in this scenario) the DF wasn't actually paying any attention to his DC in the pram.

It is also worth noting that unlike when I was a baby, this baby was at a street party where not all of the neighbours were known to the OP and her husband - please let me know if you don't understand what dangers that may pose.

Another factor that I think worth considering is that especially in the cities of the UK, violent crime has increased exponentially in the last decade or more.

Also, through all media and social media sources, we now know that there are a massive amount of paedophiles in our communities - when I was a child my parents warned me not to play in, or even walk through very quiet areas on my own, because they knew that very occasionally there might be a "very bad man" hanging around in order to harm children. An unwatched young child can be snatched from behind a parent's back, never mind from 5 metres away.

There are so many potential dangers in the outside world that a young child needs to be supervised at all times whilst outside. Constantly supervising a young child while they are outside does not does not make a parent a 'helicopter' parent, and I strongly believe that 'helicopter' parenting is often just as dangerous as not paying enough attention to young children, as it can lead to all sorts of negative developmental issues. So I would definitely tell @MyKidsThrowFood if I thought she was even 20 metres away from being a 'helicopter' parent.

You're quite right OP. If you're out with a baby you keep it in sight. Some of these answers are crazy. "Your baby being asleep upstairs while you're downstairs is equivalent to it being left unattended on the other side of the road in a busy street long enough that you don't even notice someone interacting with it.". Come on.

Why do people keep writing the time that they wrote their messages on this thread?

@MyKidsThrowFood YANBU at all. Trust your instincts, they’re spot on.

I might have been a bit upset and tell him not to do it again, but I wouldn’t still be going on about it after a few weeks.

there are so many instances ahead of you when your child will a split second from danger even when you’re being very careful.

I’ve learnt to move on and let go of the ‘what ifs’ because it’s going to ruin your life.

I only noticed one poster do that, but yeah it's odd!

I think the fact that you don’t see the distance as relevant probably does mean your a helicopter parent. You’ve also said you were worried about kids on bikes crashing into the pram - was this likely? We’re there kids out of control nearby? I think these details are important because it sounds like you were concerned about possible rather than likely dangers? I wouldn’t mind sleeping baby in pushchair being left while dh or I went and got something but you do. As others have said the normal response would be to talk to dh that it made you concerned when you saw x happening because and allow him to share how he felt so you can co parent together?

I was like this with all of my babies.

It is a natural instinct to protect your baby. You felt it was too busy a place for the baby to left unattended, and I agree.

From now on, in busy places or places you consider potentially unsafe, have an agreement about the care of the baby. Your dh will not have the same hard wired instincts as you.

No unreasonable to want to keep your baby very safe in a crowded party.
No unreasonable to be just 4-5 meters away to grab a drink.

If it is too early to leave your baby in very busy places, then stay with them for now. The feeling eases as the baby grows, and develops and you start to feel more confident. My dc are in mid teens just reaching adulthood, and I do still have that feeling from time to time. Perfectly natural.