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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband left baby in pram at a street party

148 replies

MyKidsThrowFood · 11/09/2022 01:26

A few weeks ago we had a street party on our street. We live in a family area but in a big city. It was pretty busy with all our neighbours and their kids, dogs etc there - some of whom we know, others we don’t. I left my 3 month old in pram with DH while I went to chat with some friends. At one point, I looked around and saw DH had left baby in the pram on the kerb while he was getting a drink some 4-5 meters away. He claimed he was watching the pram the whole time but, when I went over to check on baby, it didn’t seem like he immediately noticed me and, anyway, surely that’s not the point? What if a child had knocked the pram with a bike or something worse, and he was too far away to react? AIBU to be upset? Am I helicopter parenting or is he being too lax?

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 11/09/2022 10:27

I think the fact that OP describes the baby as ‘hers’ speaks volumes - she doesn’t see her DH as an equal partner, just some bloke that lives in the house and fails ‘her’ baby by stepping a few metres away from a pram

NeckFanInSoftPlay · 11/09/2022 10:29

TheLadyofShalott1 · 11/09/2022 02:31

Starting my reply at 01:27

Well I do think that it is a pity that you have obviously been holding on to your anger over this for a few weeks now OP (was it actually during the Diamond Jubilee celebrations?).
I think that at the time I would have whispered (crossly - because I couldn't have helped myself) to him to come indoors for a minute, and then once inside I would have 'lost it'!

I am not suggesting for one second that that would have been the best, or even a reasonable reaction - a calm explanation of all the reasons why what he did was not appropriate for that situation, and a discussion with him about how you could both try to learn how to automatically do a mental risk assessment of potential real dangers in any unusual situations, would have probably been a lot better.

I know that sounds way over the top for domestic occasions rather than business ones, but I think that as mothers, most of us will do automatic risk assessments all the time, particularly with our first babies, probably without even realising that we are doing so!

I will most likely be flamed for this, but I do think that we probably do this instinctively much more frequently than most dads do, but that is only my opinion formed by the 3 dads that I have had close contact with, and it certainly doesn't mean that I think that all men walk around with their heads in the clouds when it comes to baby and child rearing.

Going back to my first paragraph, as I said, I think that I would have been so cross with him at the danger he put our DC in, that I may have not reacted in the best way! However, I would have hoped that my strong reaction to him leaving the baby like that, helped him realise that actually it was a very stupid thing to have done. From your post OP, I get the impression that your DH is still trying to deny his lack of responsibility, or that he is no longer thinking about it at all, but that you are not satisfied that he has taken it seriously enough?

I presume that there had not been any incidents in the past that made you doubt your DH's ability to take basic care of your DC, or you would have not left the baby with him without strict instructions to stay with your DC, and to also be constantly attentive to him or her while you were not in the immediate vicinity?

Diamond jubilee was 10 years ago so that's quite a long time to be holding onto anger for! Grin

shrunkenhead · 11/09/2022 10:39

@turningpurpleygreen I'm with you. Just because we have access to so much media coverage these days, hence we're more aware, it doesn't mean the world is full of baby snatchers! I absolutely understand new-mum-paranoia but chances of your baby being stolen are no more likely today than they were back in the 80s when people left the pram outside shops/in the garden etc while they cracked on with life. Obvs you wouldn't do this with a mobile baby as you'd be scared of them falling out of their pram, but I'm guessing the baby in question is under 6 months so not climbing etc yet anyway.

AFS1 · 11/09/2022 10:45

Were you watching your toddler or chatting with friends? Different posts from the OP seem to be saying different things. If you were chatting with friends, who was watching your toddler? I would think a toddler running around unsupervised is significantly more at risk than a 3 mth old baby in a pram.

Having been at a street party yesterday, I think you’re being completely and utterly unreasonable. Your baby was safe in the pram at the side of the road. Your husband went across the road to grab a drink. It’s not as if he wandered out of the street, down to the local pub. He was a few metres away and in eyeshot.

Musti · 11/09/2022 10:46

Highover · 11/09/2022 09:16

You haven’t forgotten your baby yet….
I left one by the side of the swimming pool once. Toddler session. I was in the pool with the two year old. Baby poolside in car seat, lined up with all the others. End of session -got out - wrangled toddler into his dry clothes in the changing rooms and was just about to leave when I remembered my daughter was still poolside.
How lucky was I that there wasn’t a maniac who just happened to be practising his breaststroke, at that very moment?

I do worry about people who live in perpetual fear. It must be very debilitating.

Show quote history

Nope never forgotten any of my 4. They’re all teenagers now. And I did many years of swimming and other sports with all of them in tow as my ex worked away or was far too important to actually do anything with the kids. And I forget stuff all the time. But not my kids.

Cw112 · 11/09/2022 10:47

I don't think the distance matters I think the environment does. Its busy, lots happening and your husband away getting a drink could have brought the pram with him. I would also be annoyed god knows it only takes a second for someone to walk off with a child and in that environment where its busy it wouldn't look out of place. I'd be annoyed too.

Highover · 11/09/2022 10:50

alwaysdarkestbeforedawn · 11/09/2022 09:32

@Highover And did you think it was funny when you realised? Or did you have a moment of panic followed by relief when baby was fine and right where you left her?

Yes - there was a moment of panic. That ‘I’m sure I had something else with me moment….shit where is DD? ‘ .

AFS1 · 11/09/2022 10:51

Who are all these people walking off with 3- month old babies in prams? I can’t remember hearing of a single case in my living memory of an abduction of a tiny baby in a pram.

It’s a miracle some of the posters here ever leave their houses.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 11/09/2022 10:54

NeckFanInSoftPlay · 11/09/2022 10:29

Diamond jubilee was 10 years ago so that's quite a long time to be holding onto anger for! Grin

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You are quite right, that probably was slightly too long to stay angry for 🤭

Highover · 11/09/2022 10:54

Musti · 11/09/2022 10:46

Nope never forgotten any of my 4. They’re all teenagers now. And I did many years of swimming and other sports with all of them in tow as my ex worked away or was far too important to actually do anything with the kids. And I forget stuff all the time. But not my kids.

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Well done you. I have four too. That’s the only time I forgot one of them. I’m human.

MzHz · 11/09/2022 10:57

BlodynGwyn · 11/09/2022 02:15

There was always a line up of prams outside shops in the 50's and 60's. Mums would leave the baby outside the shop so they could get their shopping done. As a baby I had my naps in the pram outside in the fresh air, even in winter.

Dogs too were tied up outside shops. Sometimes to the pram.

My mum and dad forgot about the pram once and walked home without me.

I only just remember babies in prams being left in department store doorways

Jealousofchiliheeler · 11/09/2022 10:57

Christ, try going to the Nordic countries, your head would explode. Totally normal there to always pop your baby outside for naps, including leaving them outside cafés etc while you pop in for a coffee. Apparently they sleep better in the fresh air. Not aware of a mass epidemic of babies being kidnapped there.

Original poster
MyKidsThrowFood · 11/09/2022 11:01

@AFS1 I was chatting with friends who also have toddlers while our toddlers played together close by. I watched the toddler with my eyes and used my mouth to chat. I do agree that an unsupervised toddler would be more risk but A. He was not unsupervised and B. It’s impossible (and maybe not advisable) to always have a toddler in a pram by your side. To me, a baby is different.

OP posts:
justfiveminutes · 11/09/2022 11:02

Could he see the pram while he got his drink?

Was the pram unceremoniously abandoned in a random location or did he leave it, say, at the table he was sitting at or next to your front gate?

Oblomov22 · 11/09/2022 11:07

I'm surprised he didn't take the pram right up to where he was getting drinks. But if it was in sight no harm done. Please see your GP about your anxiety anyway.

justfiveminutes · 11/09/2022 11:07

I do think that anxious parenting is on the rise. I teach and have never known parents to be so protective and worried about every aspect of their child's welfare. It is a shame because you can see it being modelled to the children, who in turn become worried and fearful. OP, nothing bad happened, many think he did nothing wrong, you have told him how you feel, it is definitely time to stop thinking about this now.

mamabear715 · 11/09/2022 11:19

It's a mum thing. We are made that way. I wouldn't have been too impressed with dad either, OP.

Soontobe60 · 11/09/2022 11:24

TheLadyofShalott1 · 11/09/2022 04:40

Time 03:58

Oh, let me see.

Well the most glaring potential danger to any child you may ever be in charge of, is that you apparently see no difference between being indoors with a young child in it's own home, to being outside in the community.

Then there is the danger that (and the OP seems to think that it is the most likely occurance in this scenario) the DF wasn't actually paying any attention to his DC in the pram.

It is also worth noting that unlike when I was a baby, this baby was at a street party where not all of the neighbours were known to the OP and her husband - please let me know if you don't understand what dangers that may pose.

Another factor that I think worth considering is that especially in the cities of the UK, violent crime has increased exponentially in the last decade or more.

Also, through all media and social media sources, we now know that there are a massive amount of paedophiles in our communities - when I was a child my parents warned me not to play in, or even walk through very quiet areas on my own, because they knew that very occasionally there might be a "very bad man" hanging around in order to harm children. An unwatched young child can be snatched from behind a parent's back, never mind from 5 metres away.

There are so many potential dangers in the outside world that a young child needs to be supervised at all times whilst outside. Constantly supervising a young child while they are outside does not does not make a parent a 'helicopter' parent, and I strongly believe that 'helicopter' parenting is often just as dangerous as not paying enough attention to young children, as it can lead to all sorts of negative developmental issues. So I would definitely tell @MyKidsThrowFood if I thought she was even 20 metres away from being a 'helicopter' parent.

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Blimey, what an epic rant!
BTW, the overwhelming majority of injuries that occur to children take place in the home.

Soontobe60 · 11/09/2022 11:34

NOTANUM · 11/09/2022 09:05

The truth is that men have a different risk judgement when it comes to children. This scares the life out of us mothers who are in deep protection mode - especially as babies - but the approaches are deeply complimentary. In fact studies show that growing up with a father figure in your life challenges a child’s boundaries, helps them risk assess situations and gives them confidence.
Doesn’t help our blood pressure though!

So are all the posters saying that they would not be so bothered about this men?

Your post shows you to be extremely sexist. Believing women are more protective of their children than men is ignorant codswallop.

AFS1 · 11/09/2022 11:46

mamabear715 · 11/09/2022 11:19

It's a mum thing. We are made that way. I wouldn't have been too impressed with dad either, OP.

Speak for yourself. As a mother I don’t see anything wrong with leaving a baby in a pram by the side of a road closed to traffic, in your eyesight while you’re a few metres away getting a drink.

Curlygirl06 · 11/09/2022 12:55

Thatswhyimacat · 11/09/2022 02:32

If it helps OP, my grandma always loved to tell the story of when my uncle was born and she left him outside the shop in his pram, then forgot and drove home without him. He was fine when she eventually remembered...

My mil took my dh in the car, left him in the car to go into a shop, came out, saw the bus, jumped on and went home! To be fair she'd not long passed her test so car driving wasn't in her mindset, but she didn't realize until her dh came home. Car and baby were fine.

Johnnysgirl · 11/09/2022 12:57

MyKidsThrowFood · 11/09/2022 02:07

Maybe it was more like 10 meters… but maybe that’s not the point?

😂 The point is that when you were told the distance was ridiculously negligible you immediately doubled it.
What could have happened in a street full of people?!

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 13:07

I absolutely understand new-mum-paranoia but chances of your baby being stolen are no more likely today than they were back in the 80s when people left the pram outside shops/in the garden etc while they cracked on with life

I'm not sure that's actually true - massive paedophile rings connected with the web, with images and videos of child sex abuse being worth large amounts of money, and access to a child worth even more; did not exist in the 80s.

The www and the dark web did not exist in the 80s, not did email etc (outside of limited contexts).

BabyDreamers · 11/09/2022 13:10

Yabu

TheLadyofShalott1 · 11/09/2022 13:19

knittingaddict · 11/09/2022 07:12

Only one person us doing it and I have no idea why. To tell us how long they took to write their rather long post? To indicate their importance? 🤔

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Then you are referring to me @knittingaddict, and I usually put my starting time when I know my answer will take a while, because by the time I have finished my reply can be 1, 2, or maybe even 3 hours later, and it would look as if I had ignored all the other posts in-between the OP's and mine - which can sometimes be many pages later.

My posts take such a long time because I have various disabilities and chronic conditions, one of which makes typing for even short periods of time vary between being quite, to very painful and difficult. So I have to have rests in-between, and I sometimes even fall asleep during my 'rests'. The same condition also means that I keep on hitting the wrong keys - I have the largest keypad available on my phone, and I can't afford a laptop or even a tablet - so correcting my typing errors also takes me longer than probably most other Mumsnetters. Oh, and the same condition has also affected the length and quality of my recall, so trying to come up with the correct words for any response I might wish to give, can sometimes take an age.

Can you please explain to me knitting, why the length of time it takes me to write my responses could possibly indicate my own feelings of my own importance? To me it actually indicates the opposite! I suppose I put my time of starting as a sort of apology to both the OP and the other posters, for the length of time my response has taken - because in this particular case the OP hadn't had any other replys when I started, and I don't like OP's to think that no-one is going to answer them, and also as an apology to anyone who has replied in the meantime, as I don't want them to think that I hadn't read their responses to the OP, or thought that their replys weren't worth bothering about.

None of the above is because I think that the OP's on threads, or the other posters on a thread, will give a damn about me and my replys. It is much more to do with what I consider are good or bad manners, and on the off-chance that someone with self-esteem as low as mine, might actually like to know that I wasn't actually ignoring their post on purpose. I really don't understand why it should bother anyone that I do often put my starting time, but it obviously bothers you knitting and @FredrikaPeri, so I apologise to you both, but I will probably still do it on occassions, hopefully my explanation will help lesson both of your annoyances if there is a next time.

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