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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL is really miserable

252 replies

UppityDIL · 10/09/2022 16:32

DIL has a few mental health issues and takes numerous medication. She sometimes appears very quiet and vacant, I understand this is probably the side effects of her medication.

DH and I are always friendly and ask her if she’s ok, try and make polite conversation etc. Last week they visited and she was particularly ‘off’. I asked if she was ok and she just glanced and muttered something then looked away. She spent the rest of the visit silent.

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

We have tried to support her but she won’t discuss anything with us, which of course is her choice, but makes it harder for us to understand and support her.

Today we were at a family function and she blanked both DH and I. We tried to make conversation and she just looked at us like something she’d trodden in and ignored us.

DH said to DS why is she so rude to us? And he said because she felt we should apologise for suggesting she shouldn’t visit if she’s going to sit there in silence.

im not sure who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 10/09/2022 21:19

I'm amazed by how many posters know the DIL well enough to know she is normally a nice person when her mental illness isn't flared up.

LDN1 · 10/09/2022 21:19

This thread goes to show that we still have a LONG way to go, regarding mental illness being seen as ... AN ILLNESS.

Pitiful really.

You should have not suggested that she doesn't visit. Grow some and be supportive is my advice.

Marynotsocontrary · 10/09/2022 21:19

I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

There are contradictions in your conversation with your son as described in the OP.

You started by saying "if she doesn't feel like she wants to engage in conversation that's fine..."and then go on to say that this makes you feel uncomfortable and that maybe she shouldn't visit if she doesn't want to take part in conversation.

So obviously it's not fine at all and why on earth did you start by saying it was?

MH issues are difficult for everyone I know. You do sound like you're blaming her I think, and it"s obvious you resent her issues and the difficulties they cause everyone.

KiraKiraHikaru · 10/09/2022 21:24

eighteenmonthstogo · 10/09/2022 20:37

K*irakirahiraku
*
What an entirely fatuous response. If I 'disliked' my DH then I wouldn't be married to him ! This ridiculous assumption that one aspect of a person's personality and behaviour requires an immediate stampede to the divorce lawyer just goes to show that you do not spend your day to day existence married to someone with a mental illness. It is just one part of them. Not the whole.

The problem with mental health is that it often (but not always) makes the person extremely self absorbed. They also get very used to having their own way because we who live with them do a large amount of care that often slips into pandering. It becomes expected and then used as a manipulation to have their own desires elevated above all others.

Yes I am sorry that it's not the politically correct opinion but people with mental health issues are no more exempt from selfish self absorbed arsehole behaviour than anyone else. Only we who live with them are always expected to 'understand' .

I’m just grateful my husband doesn’t talk about me like that

Butchyrestingface · 10/09/2022 21:31

Your username is pretty shocking, @UppityDIL . Hard to think someone who opts for that in the circumstances isn't just your average garden variety Saturday afternoon wind up merchant.

strawberrysea · 10/09/2022 21:32

Other than the MH issues maybe she is just very, very shy?

I'm not painfully shy but I'm not much of a conversationalist (just cannot get the hang of it) and I've had people call me rude before.

Itsbadbitchoclockyeahitsthickthirty · 10/09/2022 21:37

topcat2014 · 10/09/2022 21:03

I'll put my hand up and say I have no knowledge of mental illness., I don't take medication, and no one I know has told me they do. I don't know anything about anxiety or depression.

Having experience of how to best deal with this is not a universal thing.

Is this a name change fail? Or a reply from another poster

DuckeyDuck · 10/09/2022 21:44

LDN1 · 10/09/2022 21:19

This thread goes to show that we still have a LONG way to go, regarding mental illness being seen as ... AN ILLNESS.

Pitiful really.

You should have not suggested that she doesn't visit. Grow some and be supportive is my advice.

Op has tried to be supportive. Sounds to me like it’s just been thrown back in her face.

DuckeyDuck · 10/09/2022 21:45

it seems that people with MH issues have a genuine unawareness of how their behaviour effects others

Livelovebehappy · 10/09/2022 21:54

She sounds awful. I’ve been on anti depressants, and taken medication for anxiety, and it doesn’t give you a pass to be ignorant. I agree with you - she should stay home if she purposefully makes you feel uncomfortable. I don’t buy that her rude behaviour is due to any mental health issues, just due to her being not a nice person.

topcat2014 · 10/09/2022 22:00

(Another poster) I find MN presumes that we should all have experience of MH issues, hence OP getting it in the neck.

I was trying to point out that plenty people don't.

fallfallfall · 10/09/2022 22:07

@topcat2014 i agree.

AlrightAlrightAlrightMatthewMcConaughey · 10/09/2022 22:10

I think you are looking at this all wrong OP.

Her behaviour is not all about YOU.

Mental Health struggles are an absolute nightmare, and it is awful having to put on a brave face so other people feel better - and this is seemingly what you want from her.

I don't think you need to do anything, just continue trying to be welcoming. I realise this makes you feel uncomfortable - but you can do better than to just tar someone because they aren't all jovial, surely

crowdedout · 10/09/2022 22:10

I think you sound pretty nasty even putting the story forward entirely from your perspective. Where is your compassion? Are you quite overbearing?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 10/09/2022 22:11

Attitudes like yours are the reason there is STILL stigma around mental illness
For the record I have Bipolar and depressive episodes literally rob me of my personality and confidence
Manic/ hypo manic episodes remove me from reality completely
Try a little kindness and empathy and see where it goes... if you ever see her again, that is.

Howardsbend · 10/09/2022 22:13

You don't need to have a deep understanding of mental health issues to accept that someone being vacant and not finishing sentences may be that way due to medication. It sounds as if the op lost patience with her lack of engagement and deliberately put her on the spot for a response. At that point she, predictably, failed utterly. That triggered the op suggesting she didn't come around again until she's had a personality transplant, basically. Then lots of faux confusion because the Dil has feelings about being told she's unwelcome at the home of her parents in law. Because that really came out of nowhere.

From the op's username, and fancy footwork on this thread, I'm guessing she'd possibly be something of nightmare mil but this is a golden opportunity to tar and feather a sick woman.

In some cultures it would be considered quite rude and callous to excommunicate a family member on the basis that they were ill. It wasn't like the Dil called her a bitch or called her out on her soggy sponge cake. She was vacant and disengaged. She may be hearing voices or afflicted by weird and wonderful side effects. She may be miserable because she is there and perhaps it takes her the whole day to get over it but she thought she was doing the Right Thing. Who knows? I'm willing to bet she didn't really want to be there and it took some effort.

Stickmansmum · 10/09/2022 22:17

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 16:42

She needs to grow up. You said she shouldn't visit if she's going to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. You said it to your son. You've done nothing wrong. You haven't slated or berated her.

Really? A mentally unwell family member should be banished from visiting, which is probably good for her mental health, because she’s not fun or engaging enough.

Honestly people who agree with the OP have clearly not had the sort of mental illness that means you need medicated and causes you to detach and struggle with interactions.

Cameleongirl · 10/09/2022 22:20

She seemed absolutely fine earlier, chatting to plenty of others at the function. We tried to make conversation and were blanked.

If she's able to interact with other people, it's not her mental health that's preventing her from speaking to you - it sounds as if she doesn't like you!
I'm not sure what to suggest, tbh, there's clearly personality clashes or some issues at play here.

AlrightAlrightAlrightMatthewMcConaughey · 10/09/2022 22:25

uncomfortablydumb53 · 10/09/2022 22:11

Attitudes like yours are the reason there is STILL stigma around mental illness
For the record I have Bipolar and depressive episodes literally rob me of my personality and confidence
Manic/ hypo manic episodes remove me from reality completely
Try a little kindness and empathy and see where it goes... if you ever see her again, that is.

Well said

AlrightAlrightAlrightMatthewMcConaughey · 10/09/2022 22:27

She seemed absolutely fine earlier, chatting to plenty of others at the function. We tried to make conversation and were blanked.

Maybe she (quite rightly) feels that judgemental energy you are throwing off.

I have mental health issues and I can tell a mile when someone is being negative and judgey towards me or my issue.

And I avoid them. WHOEVER they are

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 22:47

Honestly people who agree with the OP have clearly not had the sort of mental illness that means you need medicated and causes you to detach and struggle with interactions.

I've got my medication review next week 🖕🏻 I still know how to behave appropriately - and will apologise retrospectively if I've inadvertently offended somebody.

Joelinapinksuit · 10/09/2022 23:01

@girlmom21 Surely everyone’s different though?
I remember years ago, going through a huge depressive episode and being almost unable to speak in social and work situations, v unhappy times. So grateful for the friends and people who stuck by me. To an outsider, perhaps I seemed rude or odd..I was ultra aware of this too and tried my very best, it was so difficult though. Mental health problems present themselves in so many different ways.

MzHz · 10/09/2022 23:08

What is the timeline on her relationship with your ds?

how quickly did they meet/marry, when did her mh take the nosedive?

naomi81 · 10/09/2022 23:47

Your username says it all to me tbh 🙄

Howardsbend · 10/09/2022 23:50

I've got my medication review next week 🖕🏻 I still know how to behave appropriately

I'm glad you're doing so well but a little less judgement for others who aren't so fortunate would be appreciated. You've clearly either never been seriously unwell or don't remember what you were like then. Which is common - most MH health issues are either the worried well, or not uppermost in the patient's memory.